S/M

clarity

I am overwhelmed by good feelings right now.  I am smiling, I am happy and all is right in the world of pixie and Richard. Somehow I have emerged unscathed. Yes..my Owner, I am still smiling tonight. 🙂

 

Today’s snapshot is bright, clear and full of hope and relief that everything is turning out as it should. I saw Richard last night and carried with me a skeptical heart. I had convinced myself somehow that things were different…I had allowed myself to let my trust in Richard slip. A submissive’s folly for sure.

 

He told me that he would take everything from me…that I would give him all he needed, all he expected and that he would leave me empty. And that together we would refill me and only good feelings would linger. I read those words again…and again. I fought the urge to melt into them and follow my instinct to be led, to trust. I knew he mishandled me last week, he knew that he did too. Even the best Dominants are entitled to a misstep every now and then….and I easily forgave him and was slightly in awe that he validated my feelings the way he did.

 

Richard knows me. He seems to be just intuitive enough to know what I need, what I can take and what I can’t. He also knows how to take me just past where I am comfortable going. I know that even as he takes from me what he needs he is ever mindful of my pleasure…of my desire to be taken, to feel pain, to submit. That is why he is not just my Dominant…that is why I am truly and fully Owned by this wonderful man who knows me so well.

 

Last night I beat Richard to the apartment. I showered and slipped naked beneath the warm quilt on the bed. I told him I was going to show up early and take a little nap. I love our apartment…I feel so at home in the cozy, small place that holds so many memories. It was really never my intention to fall asleep, I really didn’t mean to. I only wanted to lay quietly there and focus on the wall I had built around myself over the past few days..a few more bricks needed to be added. He would be there any minute and I could tell I wasn’t ready or strong enough or half prepared to even see him let alone submit to him.

 

I was so scared that I was going to fail him…that somehow I needed too much of him and that if I could just give him my body all would be alright. I had figured out all on my own that because emotionally Richard is in a good place with L that he didn’t need love from me. I decided to hold that part of myself from him. I also convinced myself that I was not going to let myself ‘feel’ enough to go away, to drift away into sub space. I didn’t want Richard to put me there and then feel obligated to nurture me back. I was confused and wounded…and so very, very wrong. There is a reason why I am submissive and Richard the Dominant…he reminded me of that last night. He taught me that it is up to him what he takes from me, what he needs from me, what I give to him. I tried to control it and to monitor it…deliberately holding that one piece of myself out of his reach and then once he finally reached it I struggled with allowing him to see where I was. I was determined to take all the pain for him and give no emotional response…to not allow my need for his tenderness and nurture to guide me. I tried to control what is not in my right to control….it isn’t even about rights. I tried to control what I gave to him over eight months ago and that is my submission.

 

He needs my love…he needs my submission now more than ever he said.  I almost ruined an amazing night by trying hard to hold back….to be a shell of what he has made me.

 

I knew it was going to be hard if not impossible to hold back from him right away. I woke up and there he was…beside me…gathering me in his arms and holding me close…kissing me and telling me how he loves me….marveling at my nakedness and stroking me gently with the same hands that hold a knife to my throat or draw blood from a cane. The tenderness and love that emanated from him pulled at my heart and I fought it off even as I allowed myself to be loved, to feel cherished.  He quickly showered and lay down by my side again pulling me against him. We talked…about our day… about L… about us…about how I was feeling. We talked about trust and how I needed to trust him to take care of me….or neither of us would get what we wanted. He sat up and pulled me up so I was sitting beside him. He knew part of me wasn’t there, a part of me that couldn’t be there for I had convinced myself there were pieces of me that he didn’t want.….I said that maybe he shouldn’t kiss me anymore. And he pressed me down in the covers and kissed me a million times on my lips and face…some hard and demanding others soft and gentle. I told him that maybe ‘this’ part is what is messing with my head…making me want and need more from him. ‘This’ meaning the soft touches of his fingers on my skin, his hand cupping my head or in my hair. As he ran his hands gently up and down my body lingering on his spot….the back of my neck…allowing a finger to rest gently on the curve of my back…I trembled beneath him. He whispered again that he took what he needed from me….it wasn’t my job to monitor it. He wanted all of me. I said that maybe I shouldn’t tell him I loved him…that he shouldn’t tell me. He whispered it in my ear. “I love you, you are a part of  me. This..”  he said pulling the blankets away and pressing me back down into the bed this time on my stomach, “completes what I am, who I am. I need you to do that.” He covered me with his body…the entire weight of him threatening to smother me and all I could think of was my feelings for him and how I would be doing him a favor by shifting my submission to something less complete.  I closed my eyes and absorbed it all…knowing that part of me still resisted, still shielded me from the pain. I wanted this to be perfect. I wanted to meet his needs and my own and interfere as little as possible in what L needs and deserves from Richard. Loving him and having him love me in return is the only part of what we have that L does not know, and maybe she doesn’t need to know. That isn’t my decision to make…only her not knowing makes it seem like something to hide. And I guess it is…and really what does that hurt? I wonder though if it is something he doesn’t need from me…but where would he and I be without it? I am certain that it is almost impossible to do what we do…and then on top of that be so much alike to not love each other. Someday I will figure all that out because it is a different sort of love, it is so different from how I have ever felt. It isn’t like the love I’ve had for anyone else in my life up until now.

 

I learned my lesson. Submission is just that…submitting. I tried to control what I gave up control of a long time ago. I know this post is vague and I apologize for that. I am figuring it all out…I only know that I have climbed over something. I am at a point of acceptance…a point of wonder that all of this has meshed together. It is working..it is going to work. I am amazed this is happening. Amazed that Richard successfully maneuvered a conference call between the three of us yesterday…and that L and I are exchanging emails…or that we are finding some humor in this situation. I also know she is curious about what we do…sop curious now she may want to observe. I still think that is a ways off…and I want to go slowly into that. I am encouraged her reaction has changed from…’you people are sick….lol’ to a curiosity surrounding what makes her husband who he is.

 

In my last post toy made a comment about becoming the supplement and not the substitute. I cried when I read that. Yes…I thought to myself…..that is the plateau I have been trying to reach and the word I was seeking to describe it. Thank you toy.

Thank you to all my readers and commenters….even those who say what is hard for me to read. In many ways it is your comments I need to hear the most.

 

What a journey….what a swift crossing, a leap from where this all could have ended on both/either side and now there is so much good ahead of us.

 

12 thoughts on “clarity

  1. it seems we are all struggling in our lives and our loves. I am happy to hear things are going well. I just wish you happiness Pixie.

  2. I am glad that the snapshot today is a happy one and that all is right for you both. You are correct, everyone makes mistake, even the fallible Richard. It seems that this “mistake” has been dealt with and is forgotten now though, which is good to hear. There is no need for you both to live in the past now, dreaming of what you did have and drawing comparisons; for you now have future, and should look towards that.

    I understand now why she referred to you as an arrangement……however I am troubled. If L does not know about the love that you both share, if/when she does watch an “interaction” between you both, will that not be apparent? I am guessing that you will not tailor it for her needs or to shield her, so will this not cause further issues and ruin the foundations that are being laid now?

    Sending warm wishes to you both.

  3. a wonderful point as usual Claire. Richard wants to go a bit more slowly into the uncovering of the emotions between us. However she does know we have feelings for each other….like he told her ‘how can you not feel something for someone who gives you so much’…and me..’whenever you allow yourself to feel vulnerable with a person…to take pain feelings will develop’.
    So the foundation for that is also being laid. I imagine some of a scene betwwen us will be tailored in regards to her sensitivities…for example I doubt Richard will cut me with a knife the first time we are all together…but I imagine he WILL take as good care of me before during and after as he always have regardless of who else is in the room. My needs have been explained to her…the intesnity of what we do is now being put on the table. Richard would never withhold himself from caring for me afterwards…ideally he would encourage her to play a role in the ‘nurture’ side of getting me back into the role of a normal functioning adult state of mind.

    Thanks again Claire….I always enjoy your insights.

    Mina..I hope all is well with you…I will stop in at Longingsend and see for myself…much love.s

  4. i’ve been away from your blog for a while, and just got caught up between last night and today. I’m glad to see your pendulum swinging to the positive side today.

    It has been painful and familiar reading for me, there is so much that echoes my own situation. i am envious of the peace and focus you demonstrated in some of your posts in terms of your understanding and acceptance of your role as supplement and support to his relationship with L. i wish i could find that inside myself, instead of constantly wanting what i will never have.

    My Master’s wife has known about me all along, since i was just His girlfriend, before i was His submissive. But unfortunately, she hates me, so the kind of hopeful future you imagine is not anything i can even dream of. My Master tells me that my existence in his life does improve His relationship with her, but she will never realize or accept that.

    Sink yourself into your happiness today – suck up as much of it as you can. The pendulum will continue to swing – that’s what it does. So don’t punish yourself when and if you find yourself holding back or hurting again. Richard loves you and will bring you back.

  5. wonderful for you pixie! I love that you sound happy! That makes me happy. I wonder what will happen now? So much is ahead of you. See what happens when you place your trust in your Master. 🙂
    Now, what happened? The D/s stuff, what did he do to you? (lol)

  6. That is really good to hear – was worrying for you all. Last thing that is needed are nasty surprises, for everyone; because they could ruin all of the progress that has been made.

    No, i think your right. Perhaps knife play should be left for a lot longer down the line, that could freak her out a bit!

    I can understand her curiosity though, and perhaps seeing for herself what goes on will diminish any trashy scenarios that she perhaps has picked up; you know what I mean, pre-conceived assumptions and ideas that have been developed from books, tv, films etc.

    I hope that today you are still smiling!

  7. Pixie,

    I respect your strength. I don’t know if I could manage with the stress that you have been under recently. But I think you’re doing a wonderful job, not just by putting your trust in Richard but also by accommodating L into your world.

    Your love for Richard is unique and special, as is his for you. It will grow and change as circumstances warrant. It will bend, but I have faith that it will not break.

    -Kitten

  8. I have just lived through 5, yes FIVE, straight days with virtually no uncontrolled angst. Yes, Dr. Dom, I have to pinch myself again – I must be dreaming. Of course there have been little rumblings of worry here and there, but nothing major, nothing that a quickly given word of reassurance has not been able to resolve.

    L continues to ask many questions, about pixie, about what we do, about why this or why that…. But all these questions are giving her some comfort. pixie got through her first weekend without contacting me one time – she should be so proud of herself, and she is and that makes me feel so good for her.

    My goal? A period of stability, just like the last 5 days, where we actually live with the guidelines I have laid out, and we learn to trust them, and pixie and L learn to trust that the other will live by the guidelines, and we begin to get a little bit comfortable that the world is going to keep spinning in its orbit. Can I hope? I can hope.

  9. you are right Richard…all weekend and I didn’t contact you one time. 🙂

    How did that work out for you?

  10. i would be finding diversion…but while we shared a period of committed ownership prior to my moving to serve full time, my Master was aware of this part of my nature….and He gave me tasks to occupy me and remind me of His ownership..again i know i speak only of my own nature and i do NOT believe “if you can’t be with the One you love, fuck the one your with.” The ego and the libido are fragile things and i admire your maturity, pixie, in seeing your following your owners rules will allow you the opportunity to continue to explore this journey with him. You, he and L are all traveling into uncharted territory and i am very much enjoying the journey, without the gut wrenching angst you must have felt at some point this weekend.

    ps…chocolate did help!!

    ~s/nik~

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s