S/M

an odd sort of change

I want to hang on to this feeling. THIS is why I am a submissive, THIS is the ultimate goal..the best outcome and THIS is why I know that I am getting what I need out of my relationship with Richard.

I am happy. So happy. I feel as if everything kind of snuck up on me almost overnight and blended quite nicely together. I feel settled deeply into my role as Richard’s submissive. It is such a real relationship. It merits respect. It is not traditional. It is not socially accepted. Yet it is real and it feels so wonderful. There are no doubts in my mind that I am precious to him. Loved by him…that he needs me. I see it all so clearly now….I am not envious of what my Owner has with his wife. Not anymore and there have been times where I was. I am not sure why that changed. I am sure it will sneak back in from time to time…after all I am a girl. 🙂 Yet I can wipe it away…I know I can.

I think some things have changed. We are evolving into something a little different than what we were. I am not sure what that is or what it all means I only know it feels as if something has changed. I feel accepted by L. I do not feel as if she is being forced to accept me or to care about me. And I do believe that she does care about me. We have had a few conversations that proved that to me. I wonder if we think alike a little bit. I told Richard and I may have even told L that I see myself deferring to her and offering her respect because of who she is to Richard. I would have never imagined that. It is a little confusing to me. I never saw myself as her equal in relation to Richard. She is his wife and I am his submissive, his pet. I love my role, I respect hers. I do not think she will ever actively participate in anything between Richard and I. I know she is curious. She has asked to see pictures of what we do. She is seeing the eroticism in it all but I know she is a long way from understanding what it means to be a submissive. We have made great leaps and I feel like there is the possibility of she and I becoming friends. Two women, both strong in their own way wanting to love and to be loved by the same man. Is that polyamory?

I will say again I am not sure where this is going. I do know I trust him to make these choices for all of us.

I trust Richard. I trust him more than I have ever trusted another adult. Isn’t that odd that I can say that without reserve, without question? How can that be so? Yet it is true. I wonder if he knows that?

I realized pretty early into my relationship with Richard that I had found something special in him. More and more I turned to him with questions..looking for answers, for guidance. Was that wrong? Should he have pushed me to stand strong on my own two feet? Yes…if I wasn’t a submissive. If I didn’t know, if he didn’t know that I needed that from him. I think that a man…not even a Dominant but any man can risk taking a girl and locking her away and not letting her mind develop. She will fail to grow. In my case…I have grown so much since Richard first walked into my life.

I feel almost totally all grown up in my mind. I have adult responsibilities and adult relationships yet a word from Richard can turn me into this trembling little girl that needs him so badly. He makes me vulnerable and allows me through that strong gift of submission to be weak. Time and time again he has spread layers of a moist calm acceptance over my mind. He takes away the chaos that threatens to shake me time and time again. I don’t know how he does it. I don’t know how his words, his voice, his presence can sooth me.

It’s about dependence sometimes I think. I remember the other night after I had spent about five hours completely under his care we stopped to have a snack before we went our separate ways on the Interstate. We walked in and he ordered my drink and asked me what I wanted to eat. I stood there and had no idea. It was so funny. I couldn’t make a decision…when I am with him I regress even while I move forward. He told me to go sit down and he would just get me something I liked. I walked over to the tables and just wandered back to where he was. I had no idea where we should sit. When he saw me walking back towards him he laughed at me and pulled me close to his side. He told me to just stand there with him, he told me I didn’t have to think. It is a silly example yes but I am amazed at what he does to my mind.

I have had 10 months of constant, consistent, positive discipline and guidance from Richard. He has reinforced my positive behavior…..my ability to make sound decisions when I am not in a submissive state and he has guided me away from negative behavior. He has been a sounding board for me…talking me through decisions regarding Liam or Jackson. He has provided me the pain I need to pull those tangled unruly thoughts together in my mind. It is lasting. I never knew, I could only speculate what it would be like to have someone to guide me and to help me grow and feel this way.

There is a place when I am cuddled  against Richard that makes everything safe. I can tell him anything. He has never, ever judged me. And believe me I have told him some pretty dark secrets…secrets that I have hidden since I was very small.

I am feeling the change in myself. I am feeling the benefits of having him in my life more now than ever.

control · D/s · Richard

fight me

Sometimes when Richard and I meet he beats me to the apartment other times I get there first. From the very start he has set certain expectations for my behavior. When I get to the apartment he expects me to be showered and ready for him. Ready for him can mean a number of things. It can be resting quietly…napping until he gently wakes me. It can also mean kneeling in the middle of the bed on my hands and knees with my back arched slightly. This position is more of a default position, it is what I do when he does not specify something else.

Lately it seems as if he gets there before I do. I find him waiting for me. I love that moment..walking in and finding him there. I become fully cognizant of what I am to him and I feel flooded by what we have. I feel an amazed sort of excitement knowing that for the next several hours it is just the two of us- no distractions.

The apartment was empty when I walked in. I tossed my backpack down on the chair and wondered when he would join me. His last text message just said that he was running a little behind. He told me to rest up and he’d be there as soon as he could. I wasn’t sleepy at all so I just curled up there and read some poetry. I undressed down to my panties and pulled on one of his dress shirts he had left behind. It smelled like him and I snuggled down into the softness of it and like a good submissive I waited.

I didn’t wait too long and soon he was walking through the door. He tossed his jacket over the back of the chair and began to undress. I sat up and looked at him and he noticed what I was wearing. He told me if given the choice he would keep me in his dress shirts..naked beneath. He smiled, kissed me and then said he was going to take a quick shower.

“Be a good girl and I’ll be right back.” he said kissing me again. I realized how happy I was as he walked away. Secure in what we share and not doubting the realness of it or what it means. A few minutes later I heard him come out of the bathroom and he walked over to the bed dropping his towel on the way to me. He pulled the covers off of me and I turned to look up at him waiting to see what he wanted or needed from me. I rolled over on my back and felt my hands go up and rest slightly over my head in that natural submissive state that comes over me when I face him. He pulled me up and kissed me hard on the mouth. I struggled slightly not expecting that. I was waiting for his words and instead he kissed me. I realized I struggled and made my hands fall from his chest. He pushed me back down and I misunderstood his action. I thought he was upset that I showed resistance.

“I am sorry Sir…I won’t fight you, I am not sure what I was thinking.”

He laid down beside me and rested his body half across mine. His hands roamed my body.

“Fight me.”

“What?” I whispered.

“Fight me pixie, fight me. I want you to.”

“No..no, I can’t fight you, I don’t want to. It doesn’t feel right.” In my mind fighting him was unnatural. It went against all he had taught me, all I knew was expected of me. I wanted him to do to me whatever he wanted to do to me. I didn’t like to struggle.

He smacked my face..hard once and then again.

“Obey me. I said fight me.”

“I can’t Richard…I don’t want to fight you.” I felt confused and out of my element unsure of what he was asking, unsure of what he wanted. He smacked me again and I started to cry. Not because he was hurting me but because I was not able to do what he asked. He pinned my arms over my head with one had and smacked my face once more. I felt hot and a little angry that he was doing it this way. I wasn’t supposed to fight him. I was his submissive. I was there to please him. Not fight him.

In my irritation and confusion I felt myself struggle. I strained against the tight grasp he had on my wrists and I told him to stop. I told him to get off of me. Only he didn’t. He kissed my neck and my breasts and bit at my skin leaving hot red marks across my shoulders. I pushed against him and tried to turn away.

“That’s my good girl, fight me.” So I did. I fought him I turned back and forth and side to side escaping his biting mouth and his angry hands. I tried to get away and he seemed delighted that I couldn’t. I felt his hand again on my face…a sharp stinging slap. One that wasn’t intended to hurt or leave anything other than a soon to fade hand-print but it felt demeaning and harsh. I was soaked between my legs. I wanted him this way. I liked that he was forcing me to take him this way. I felt as if he wanted to force the submission that I so willingly gave. I realized it was his right to ask me to fight…to struggle. What was the difference…had he not asked me to beg him. My struggle pleased him. I struggled. I begged. I was his to do with as he wished. Fight you…yes Sir. Please you….yes Sir.

“Please, please…let me up. Stop, stop, don’t hurt me.” I was lost in the idea that I couldn’t escape him. For a few minutes I wasn’t his submissive. Who was I? Some girl he stumbled upon..lost and alone that he could take and hurt? So many scenarios crossed my mind. I realized I was living a fantasy. It was safe. I was being forced to submit to him and it felt different than what I had always offered him willingly. It was raw and erotic and he was lost in the power exchange of what we share.

It was odd. I struggled. I did my best to keep him from taking me but knew I wanted it. All I wanted was for him to go back to the expectation that I would obey him instantly. He forced my legs apart and pressed into me….thrusting hard and deep over and over. I wanted to melt into him to wrap my arms and legs around him and be taken. I felt his hand around my throat and he squeezed me hard and my hands came up to capture his wrists.

“Fight me.” He urged. I did. I fought for my breath and he continued to thrust inside me as he controlled my air. He allowed me small little gasps of air and I was grateful for them. I felt a heat deep within and I knew I was close to a hard orgasm.

“Please…”I whispered and he knew what I was asking him. I realized the same time he did that there was no struggle left in me. I came hard against him…the evidence of my fight dripping across us both.

When it was through we were both exhausted. I learned a lesson. I learned once again that my submission must be given to him in different forms. It is whatever he needs. He can make me fight him…he can make me beg him. He can turn me into his slut..his little girl..his bad girl. But always, always his submissive. And as his submissive I will do my best to meet his needs.

L · poly relationships · Richard

what happened next

We went to Starbucks..the three of us. I asked them to wait for me outside and I ran in to change. I answered the door in pink flannel jammies…not exactly what I wanted to have on the first time I med L. I had been crying and hoped no one noticed but I had a feeling they did. Richard and L had been at the gym and from there L suggested they ride over to my house to talk to me. Yes…L suggested. Richard didn’t force her to meet me and he certainly never would force an apology out of her. He has too much respect for her to do that.

My first impression of her was that she was quite pretty. I imagined that when she was younger she was strikingly beautiful. She and Richard looked good together and I felt the positive force of energy that comes from a couple who have spent a lifetime together. I was a little amazed that they were at my front door. I threw on some clothes and ran outside to L’s car. Richard was driving and he got out and let me inside the back seat. Funny…there were no introductions, nothing formal anyway. We knew who each other was and I could tell she was as nervous as I was. It was almost frightening to be in the car with them. I kept waiting for her to turn around and speak to me but she never did. Once we got to the coffee shop I walked a little behind them into the familiar shop. They ordered a drink and we found a corner table and sat down. It was pretty late…after ten and we weren’t sure how late they were opened. They sat in matching chairs and Richard pulled a wooden chair away from another table and told me to sit down.

L right away started to speak. She said she never meant for her words to hurt me…she didn’t want to make me feel guilty or sad. She told me she did not want me to end this relationship and she said there was good here. She reminded me that she was still getting used to her husband being a sadist and having a submissive. I knew how hard it was for her to sit across from me. I felt her eyes on me and I wondered if she imagined me with Richard. I was amazed when I felt Richard’s hands on me.

He cradled my head in his hand and brushed his thumb across my face. He was tender and gentle and kept my head tilted up so he could look at me as he spoke. I was uncomfortable to have him touch me in front of her but after a few minutes it felt natural. I think that is why he did it…to show her it was OK. That I was her husband’s toy….his submissive and that touching me gave him pleasure. It also reminded me that until he released me I was owned. His hands on me reminded me of that. I hated allowing myself to want him. I was becoming quite swept away in the full blown submissive feeling of sitting there with Richard….his voice and hands owning me even in front of L. I felt her eyes watching us and I think it was a learning experience for her. I know she commented to Richard later that the feelings between us were obvious; she commented on the tenderness he showed me. I think it was odd for her to see him touch me with gentleness given the nature of our relationship. He told her that he feels gentle and tender towards me when he isn’t hurting me….lol. I think you have to have a pretty firm grasp on the whole D/s dynamic to understand that. L said, “I was nervous about meeting you but now I see meeting you is easy.” I smiled at her somewhat shyly I think because I wasn’t sure if she had complimented me or insulted me. Richard reached out and pinched my cheek, “See, she doesn’t think you are ‘evil’.” Evil was a word I had used…I said she must think I was evil to be in his life the way I was.

The conversation was what you would expect. Halting…a little awkward…but between Richard and me it was business as usual. He demanded the same respect from me he always had and his very presence shook my core. She said that she needed to pour her hurt out and that it should have been directed to Richard and not me. She also said that at times since opening communication with me that she has felt censored with me. I understand that.

“You have no idea how badly I want you on your knees.” Richard said to me with that voice he uses. I heard L’s intake of breath blend with my own as I looked up at him a little amazed at what he had said. I again realized he was showing her what I was to him. He glanced at her and said.. “She would love that.” He asked me if that was true and I said “Yes Sir.”

The conversation went on. We talked about Liam and Jackson and she said that she felt like I would never give any one else a chance as long as I had Richard. I felt Richard’s hand on my arm and he pulled me down on the floor in front of him. The coffee shop was empty but I suppose I didn’t look too unusual sitting there on the floor. It felt right and immediately I felt more secure with Richard. It crossed my mind that I had been asking for the past six hours to be released and he had just somehow pulled me out of that and put me back in my place. And in front of L too.

L asked me several questions. She wanted to know where I saw myself in a year. Didn’t I want to get married..?etc. Richard was encouraging me to answer her the best I could. She later told him that he never took his hands off of me. Not accurate entirely though…he touched me often but he also held her hand and squeezed her leg. I remember him asking her to be strong. She had a quiet dignity about her that I admired. She moved with a grace that knew was appealing to Richard and I could see why he loves her.

Even with all the upheaval in my heart and my yearning for him to release me I never felt more Owned than I did kneeling at his feet with his wife by his side. She didn’t get up and walk away, she didn’t say a word. She didn’t get angry when he made me kneel. It felt natural for Richard and I and I think it was a moment for her…a moment where she must have thought ‘oh…I am starting to see.’

She told me that she had an issue with the emotional side of what Richard and I share, she said they discussed the love between us and that scared her. She was honest with me and said that she would like to see that separated. I was honest right back and said that it couldn’t be separated. Like ‘un-ringing a bell’ I think Richard may have said. She commented that I was bright and intelligent and expressed myself well and because of that she had trouble understanding why I would look to Richard for answers and support. She didn’t understand my need to get more than pain from him…where really my need with Richard is a daily sort of guidance and nurturing and support. Pain and power exchange is the overall basis for it but the core of our relationship is trust.

L said she worried that I had everything I wanted with Richard and that would keep me from moving forward with someone else. I was confused on and off because sometimes it seemed as if her words were meant to reassure me regarding my relationship with Richard and at times it seemed like she was pleading her case to get me to disappear. I certainly can acknowledge her own confusion as she must have mixed emotions. Richard stopped me from answering her a few times as her questions were getting more and more direct and demanding. He told her to stop that she was intimidating me and that was not why he had me on the floor. I told him later that I felt as if I was doing a good job of answering her talking with her when I was sitting at her eye level. Once on the floor my mind became a little fuzzy and I found myself leaning into Richard more and more.

She asked again why I needed him so much and said she would like this better if I didn’t need to hear from everyday. I looked directly at Richard and asked him if he was telling me that he didn’t want to hear from me daily, if he was asking me to not need him. He said ‘No.’ Of course he wasn’t asking that, he didn’t want that. I asked her if she knew about the rules that Richard had for me…the ones regarding Liam and even Jackson, the rules about curfews and bedtime and all the guidelines he has given me to help me focus my life. She had told Richard before that she felt his rule about me not sleeping with Liam was self serving. I told her that Richard and I had discussed many times the possibility of him keeping me from Mr. Right. I told her I was confident he would let me go if that time came. She looked doubtful and I realized she was not totally approving of her husband’s techniques as far as his ownership of me. Oddly enough it felt as if she was looking out for me a little and that made me smile inside.

I have a face now to her and the world has not ended. She has a clear picture of what I mean to her husband and I have the feeling that she is more secure of her own place after seeing me firmly in my own. Richard has not released me. I am not asking him to again. L and I are continuing to get to know each other. Richard continues to own me. I read some of your comments about her owning me by default now and that made me smile. I do not think she is quite ready for that just yet. Her interactions with me since our meeting have been kind and supportive and I think the more she gets to know me the less threatening I will become. I agree that some things have changed now. She mentioned to Richard that one of her feelings regarding him and I is one of feeling ‘left out’. I don’t know what that means exactly or how much involvement she would like to have in our relationship. I don’t know what Richard wants in that respect either. I will of course do whatever Richard asks me to do. I am confident that he will protect me from her anger in the future and I know it will surface again. It has to and I understand it, I am less guilty now that I have heard it from her that she doesn’t want this to end. She acknowledged to me that she can’t give him everything that he needs, she said I can and that she wants me to. I don’t think it is all about her not wanting to lose him. I think she truly wants him to be happy and settled. She commented about the weight he had been carrying around without anyone to understand who he was and what he needed. I think she seemed almost thankful to me for being in his life to be that needed release for him…to be the release that would allow him to find joy in his marriage and life partner again.

I am not sure where this is all going. Liam is home next week. I am seeing more and more of Jackson. I am happy with Richard but know it isn’t forever. I am trying to see things without this cloudy confusion and trying instead to see them as ‘options’. Life is going on and I saw Richard the other night. I was worried it would feel different. That her words would come to my mind and the guilt of what I was to him would block my submission. Nothing changed. Nothing blocked what I give him, what he takes, and what he gives to me. From the moment he walked and pushed me to my knees…to the stinging smacks across my face…and the belt lashing my back and bottom nothing had changed. I take that back….the only thing that changed was meeting L afterwards for a drink. Now that was different. Again…I am not sure where all this is going.

poly relationships

the visit..meeting L

My confusion started to grow soon after I sent the email to Richard and L that I was asking to be released. I pushed send and felt detached. I sat on my bed and ignored the flashes of all I was giving up that came shooting towards me. I could ignore that just like I ignored it when my cell phone started to ring…and when the TM came through from Richard ordering me to call him.  L left me a voice mail and said I was being rash…she said that she and Richard were both going to continue to try and reach me. She said she didn’t mean for her email to hurt me and she asked that I please call Richard.

 

I went to the gym. I took a nap and then I went to the park. I realized I couldn’t ignore Richard. He left me a voice mail and told me that I owed him a response, that I needed to take his call or call him back. And when his next call came through a few minutes later he didn’t seem surprised I answered it. He sounded sad and I think he could tell that I was trying hard to not cry.

 

I tried to explain that her pain was on me. He said it wasn’t. He said that it was his to deal with…that he was furious she sent that email to me and he promised it wouldn’t happen again. No I told him..that I welcomed the email because it made me see what she was going through. A snapshot he said….it was but a snapshot of how she was feeling. He reminded me that I didn’t see the happy side……the times when all this has improved her marriage…made their life better together. I told him that I agreed…I didn’t see that. That was not something I could or even wanted to take credit for. I was caught up in her words and in her pain and he was telling me that I needed to let that go. She had made the choice to keep this together and we had all acknowledged we would have bad days. I said I didn’t want to feel the lash of her bad days. I didn’t want to get back into the cycle of associating guilt with love and love with guilt. And I knew she was right.

 

He said that she was feeling horrible. That she didn’t want this to end, that she was sorry her words hurt me, sorry that she sent me the email. We talked for almost and hour and I ended the conversation telling him I stood by my decision to end it. I again asked him to release me. Again…he refused. He wanted me to think it through.

 

I tried hard to understand why L still wanted me in Richard’s life when what we do is agonizing for her. She sees me as safe. She knows that Richard and I will never run away together and live happily ever after. She asked him if I told him I loved him and he said yes. Then of course she asked him if he told me he loved me and again he said yes. The physical…I think she can handle; she can see that as a need. The emotional bond that has formed between Richard and I is seen as a betrayal. Anyone who has been in a D/s relationship…knows that feeling develop and they are intense. (Especially if all the other factors are there to make for a happy partnership) Richard once told me that there was nothing I couldn’t give him. We have a rare sort of connection that is both tender and savage.

 

L acknowledges that even if I walk away Richard’s need doesn’t change. He is still a sadist. He is still a dominant…somewhere scary Richard still lurks. Will the next submissive me as ‘safe’ as me? Will she be at a different point in her life….will he fall in love with her and not have the large age gap that Richard and I do keeping us from attempting something more? Remember they have been married much longer than I have been alive. Of course I am safe to her. All except for the fact Richard loves me. And I love him. And how do you stop that? We never planned it…didn’t want it. Goodness …when I met Richard I was in a long distance relationship with Mark. I though quite naively that all my D/s needs were being met. That I didn’t need more. I see Mark now as a dream that I held onto for the longest time. He was that first magic experience to me and I would have never imagined letting that slip away for another. Yet Richard walked into my life and everything changed.

 

We said our goodbyes and he said he was going to call me in the morning. He said that we would talk and that I needed to think. He was not releasing me. I received an email from L once again explaining why she sent me what she did…another apology and an acknowledgment that she had hurt me. My mind was foggy…..I wasn’t sure what I needed. What mattered and what didn’t. I had this heart wrenching plea begging me to let go of the grasp I have on her husband and then we almost came full circle with her saying that he needed me.

 

I couldn’t eat dinner. I showered and my friend Joey stopped by. Joey knows about Richard and I. Joey had just broken up with his boyfriend and needed a shoulder never expecting that I needed my own…lol. We sat on my bed for about an hour just talking and my doorbell rang. In my flannel pajamas I answered the door.

 

Richard and L stood there. I didn’t see her at first as much as I sensed her there. Richard asked to talk to me…they wanted to see me. I couldn’t breath. Until this second I hadn’t met L….now she was at my front door. We decided to go to a coffeehouse and talk.

I am not deliberately leaving a cliffhanger here…I am just out of time to write as I have someplace to be in an hour. I appreciate the emails and all the responses from my last post so I wanted to get this up so everyone knows I am OK. Richard is OK….L is OK. There is so much to say…and I will write more later today if I can.

 

S/M

time?

One part of this extraordinary adventure that I find myself on is a piece that I find almost impossible to live with. It’s new.  Yes, Guilt. There has always been a part of me that has tried very hard to place myself in L’s shoes. To imagine what it would be like to be her…to know that her husband needs another woman in his life to feel whole, to be complete. On top of that there is the little addition that he is a sadist, a practicing Dominant and has a submissive entirely devoted to his happiness. Richard has told me many times…over and over again that her pain is his burden. It is on him. It is his responsibility and nothing I need to feel guilty about. He has pointed out that she always has the option of stepping away from the relationship; he is forcing nothing on her. He has pointed out and she has admitted as much to me that she is benefiting from his relationship with me.

As much as I try Richard’s words have not been able to absolve me of my guilt. I guess I don’t want it to. I don’t want to hide behind my submission and say that I am not as much to blame for her pain as he his. I am. L emailed me and it might change everything. Her email was drafted in the form of a letter…a letter written from a wife to a submissive.  She talked about the hours where she had to keep busy to not let her mind wander to what he was doing with me. She told me about the nights where she would lay beside him and in his sleep he would say my name and play with me in his dreams. She explained with words laced with pain and anger that we were asking the impossible of her yet she was doing it. She acknowledged that she is unable and unwilling to give him what he needs to be whole. She acknowledged that I could. She told me that if I lived to be an old woman I would never know the pain she felt at knowing that although he comes home to her he still seeks me out in his sleep. She asked me if that flattered me. No….it doesn’t flatter me. Maybe it would if I needed reassurance of Richard’s love and need of me but I do not. It hurts me for her, it hurts me for Richard. It hurts for multiple reasons. One is that I do not need to live to be an old woman to know that pain. I can imagine it and would not wish it on anyone. Least of all not on the woman that I see as an extension of him.

She wrote…

 He (Richard) tells me not to be afraid. Of whom? Him? Certainly not. Of his dreams? Not really; they are dreams only. Of you? Of the power you have over his mind? Yes. That power disarms me. It alarms me. And the wife wakes up to wonder by herself.” 

I know that we are treading lightly across a great mass of emotions and raw feelings. I know that mine erupt without provocation. I know hers do to. I know that I hold a lot inside. I know that I write a lot…I share a lot here and that makes me feel better  I fight the urge to say out loud to her…to Richard…to myself that she does have a choice. She agreed to this. She said she could make it work and knew that it would hurt. Of course it would hurt. Only I don’t. I can’t. I won’t put this off on her. In her shoes….what wouldn’t I do…what wouldn’t I say to maintain the security of marriage with the only man she has ever loved. Who would risk losing her husband at this point in her life?  Why would she do anything other than everything he asked to make what they share better, more honest and more fulfilling? Richard told me that for the first time in his life he was being completely honest with his wife about who he is and what he is doing. I can’t imagine the load that fell from his shoulders. I am happy for that. I am happy that this exploration into what has always been missing between them has allowed her  let go of some past anger that she had held against him for so long….anger that strained their relationship. That is gone now and I rejoice for them even as I struggle with the reality that my presence in her life comes bearing both pleasure and pain.

 

The pain must come out and although Richard told her not to she sent me this email and her words….well, I can’t ignore them. I can’t ignore her pain. She wrote…

 …. I work to fill my head with busy thoughts outside of you and him together.  When do you climax? How does he make you feel at that moment and one step further, what in his burning mind is he feeling at that very moment he tenses into his own come? This is what the wife thinks. This is what the wife imagines. This is what the wife fears.” 

 Richard warned me it was coming. As I drove home from an out of town trip he called me and said I had an email waiting for me. He was tempted to tell me to not read it. He said that as soon as she sent it she was sorry…she regretted knowing he may be angry at her. I wasn’t expecting to feel emptied out. I wasn’t expecting to feel her sorrow. What it did for me was break something up inside of me. All the little pieces of my conscience that I had neglected and let fall away…that I let listen to Richard’s reassurance that her pain was on him all came back together and swallowed me whole. I read her email and was full of her pain. All I wanted to do as to end it with Richard. To give her Richard back….to allow her to feel normal again.

 

I wrote them a letter. I asked Richard to release me. I asked L to forgive me. I told them there came a time when all the pleasure in the world couldn’t make up for this type of pain. I told L her words were like gravity to me….pulling me down from the cloud that Richard and I created to cushion our own needs.

I wrote to them….

 Richard, what I have given you over the past 10 months has been too beautiful to allow guilt and sadness to cloud it. I will remember it and you always with love and as a time that I found tremendous growth and acceptance in and for myself. I am sorry for all of the pain I caused L. So sorry for being the one who did that. Please know I can’t do it anymore and why. Please forgive me for my weakness as I ask this of you in this way and not face to face where I would fail.
Please respect my choice and allow me to walk away and allow this to end without anger…like we always promised each other. No anger.
L….I hope you can forgive me. I know I will never know when and even if your forgiveness will come but I will hope for it anyway.”
 

So as it stands it is over. I have asked to be released. Richard is refusing my request. L is asking that I reconsider. She doesn’t want this to end. As Richard said…the devil you know. And perhaps that is right. But I am not sure if I want to be the ‘devil’. She told him that his smile is gone. I know the feeling…my smile is gone too. I love my Owner. I love what we have. It breaks my heart to let in end a moment sooner than it has to. Maybe this is the moment. But what means more than all that? Looking in the mirror? Sleeping at night? I told him that there is no way past feeling her pain every time he touches me…that it could never be the same now.

 

There is a lot of sadness to go around right now. I am ignoring their calls…unable to allow myself to be swayed. His face…his voice…his touch all will sway me. I am confused. I don’t know what to do. Moments like this I look to him and only now I can’t.

S/M

Sugasm #119

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #120? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
The Rule of Blowjobs for Women
“Tease. Spend time. Don’t just start out like a Hoover on overdrive.”

Commercialising Romance or “I bought you this card now where’s my blowjob?”
“If it takes a specific date for your partner to show you he loves you then what do you have?”

Relax
“She smiled up at him, from her vantage point between his knees, and continued what she’d been doing.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Questions…

Editor’s Choice
Hazards of the Biz

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Erotic Writing and Experiences
Catalina loves Fantasies (about Friends)
Clit Notes
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Erin with a capital oooaaaaahhh
I saw and I came!
I will take Pancakes with a side of Camel Toe!
No Special Occasion
Phantom Fire
A Promise Kept
Quickie in men’s room
Relax
The Reunion (Part I)
Sanctuary
Wake me up with your tongue a Friday night bedtime story

Sex Advice
The 3 Best Positions for MFM Threesomes
I Didn’t Use a Condom

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews
The Bedpost Interview: Lux Alptraum
Cop Seduced By Hot Tranny & Forced To Suck Cock
Njoy fun wand
Ode to my hitachi magic wand
Screaming Orgasm from Mr Vacuum
Review: Working Sex, Sex Workers Write About a Changing Industry
Stoya Bot HotMovies Interview
Texas Make Up For Lost Time With FREE Sex Toys!

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Feminist Carnival #53
Of Lust, Loss, Film Stars & Humor (Or, Get Me On Vince’s Bus)
Polyamory is SCARY!

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Pictures from Last Night: Playing Dress Up

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Dark Hearts…A BDSM Fantasy
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Gabriel, and self realization
I Love
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She likes to feel pretty.
Shoe Slut
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Today

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How To Tell If That Domme You’re Emailing Is Really A Man
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The Red HNT
Satine Phoenix Is A Feminine Feline Fantasy In This Corset And Collar

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bdsm · bondage · breast torture · control · D/s · needles · piercings · restraints · Richard

still

I needed something that only he could give me. The quiet part of my brain is sometimes easy to ignore. It whispered to me to make it stop…to ask to be untied even as the pounding part of my brain, the darker side whimpered a need that few people can understand. All around me was charged air. There was feeling of needing to be taken, of needing to feel the pain that he needed to give me.

I knelt there on the bed. I was still….even as parts of me trembled …my core was still for I knew I was right where I needed to be. He was standing by the counter in the apartment. I could smell the alcohol on the cotton balls and I could hear the rubbery gloves slide over his strong hands. I was almost ready for this again. It had been a long time since he needed to do this to me. It has been too long he said. I do not question what it is he needs from me anymore. I am past that. I am past second guessing the pain…I take it and allow it to sooth me as I know it completes him.

Kneeling there I realized I was quite caught up in my own senses…the smells, the sounds…the clench of my own desire that pounded though my body causing my nipples to pucker and my cunt to clench. I didn’t hear him walk back to the bed. My eyes were tracing the pattern on the wall made by an errant painter bored with the white that covered the walls of our apartment. His hand went around my neck and he forced my head up so that my eyes were meeting his. The gloves on his hand felt odd…as if he was detached somehow. I struggled against his grasp allowing that last moment of panic wash over me. Knowing that in a moment I would be on my back tightly tied awaiting the assault of the cold alcohol on my skin.

He squeezed my neck harder and reminded me with his words what he was going to do to me. He stepped back and showed me the tray on the bed beside me. A line of needles decorated the tray. It was a blend of my Richard that was standing in front of me; so caring and his hands had softened…his eyes half reassuring me that all was alright yet the darkness was there. The darkness that would allow him to tie me down and through my pleas…through my whimpers of panic and finally through the calmness of what can only be called pure submission…he would slide the thin needles beneath my skin.

He was deliberate in how he touched me…in how he lifted my wrists and my ankles in the tight cuffs. How his eyes flashed up at me as he tightened them…how the language of his body spoke of total dominance….I was trusting and owned and I was still.

The hard smell of the alcohol hit my nose. I felt the coldness of it on my skin and I turned my head away from him. He told me he was going to go slow, he told me that he knew what I could take and that he would ask no more of me. I felt the needle slide quickly in and then out of my skin….no pain. I breathed deep and felt the hot desire pulse through his fingers scorching my skin. He told me he was proud of me and to get ready for another…and another. I felt the needles collect across my skin…..I knew he covered both my breasts with needles. After the first few I stopped feeling anything except warm. I was warm everywhere as my body struggled to get past the horror of what was happening. I felt surged with desire. I felt dizzy with all that was happening…the cool alcohol on my skin…the pinch as the metal bit into me…..the heat on his fingers.

I realized that although I was tightly restrained I did not struggle. I was still. I was safe there with him. I wanted to offer him all of me….I hoped he would take it. When the first needle touched my cunt I only shivered slightly. I knew struggling would be pointless…by then I did not want to struggle. I wanted to submit. I loved that feeling that was all over me…the feeling of being another’s canvas…of meeting his need through my submission. I don’t question his needs…even when they turn dark. Even when they come in the form of hypodermic needles.