It is pretty amazing what can be done in the name of submission. I sit here and shake my head at the recollection of the other night. I shudder. I close my eyes. I touch the back of my neck. I kneel. I seek for a bright memory, one that doesn’t darken or fade away or become cloudy. One that I can somehow, someway make more than a memory so I can save it forever in my mind. I search and almost touch the feeling. Almost pull it back. It is quickly lost and then almost found again…. those small pieces of myself that somehow became detached by his cruelty.
He urged me to remember it all. He urged me to pull it back into my mind. I wonder if it makes him feel less powerful, less sadistic to know I can escape the pain. That my body allows me to slip away to a place where the hardest stroke of the cane is unfelt. I don’t think so. I think that it is my willingness…no, my desire, my need to take what it is he gives me that gives him power, that fulfills that sadistic urge. I can will myself to go away knowing I won’t fight him if I do. It is my safe place. A place where I know that even though I have escaped the pain I am still being imprisoned, guarded, protected, cherished by Richard. Even scary Richard does this. Even scary Richard has my trust. I think.
He held me in that place the other night. When shards of light pulled me from the quiet darkness he slowly pressed my head back under water. It was quiet where he kept me. The chaos was above me. Beneath me maybe, certainly all around me but never inside me. Outside of the quiet, outside of the darkness Richard was scaring me. He was reminding me of the risks associated with what we do, with what we need, with what we love about each other. He was pushing through that thin glass that separates what he needs from what he imagines. I know Friday night we were somewhere between the two. Richard wrote… I pressed you down and told you to go back to where it was safe, that I was there with you. I neglected to tell you that Scary Richard was there with you. You went away and I gave you three more pairs of hard strokes before you opened your eyes again. Again I comforted you. Again I caned you. I finally got Scary Richard to back off and I untied you. ”
I remember now him comforting me. Not the words he used but the tone of his voice, the soft quietness of his voice. I remember feeling safe even as I was searching for a way out, an escape route from the pain. Richard once said that my mind can take more than my body. That is why he stops before he wants to sometimes, that is why he stops before I want him to sometimes. That theory works if Richard is still able to see me as a thinking, feeling being. One thing I am learning about this scarier side of Richard is that I become something different to him in those long, cold moments where he is unleashed. I am less and more and I know that only makes sense around the cusps but to me it does… He said as he was trying to get me to remember what happened.
“I told you that all you were was 3 holes, and that I was going to fill every one of them. It may have been about then that I pulled out of your cunt and cruelly pushed my cock into your ass…”
I trust Richard. I trust him enough to go away to that deep level of ‘sub space’. I want to trust this scarier Richard…the sadist driving the sadist. I remember resting beside him and realizing that while my own heart had slowed his had not. He was practically growling beside me. His need was obvious yet he held me, stroked me, and loved me back to feeling solid and safe. I remember feeling all of me again. Coming fully awake and being surrounded by him in that warm safe feeling that always lingers after he hurts me. This was when he asked me if I was alright. He told me he loved me, told me that I had taken a lot for him and that he was very, very pleased with me. I felt him roll towards me and I was almost pinned beneath him. His fingers clawed at my breasts and pinched my nipples. He bit at me and caught my moans in his mouth with deep kisses. He told me that scary Richard needed to be caged, that he needed to do something to regain control. I could feel his restraint crumbling and I was afraid.
Right in front of me was the man that I had only seen glimpses of before. He is kept well hidden and only released in small trickling breaths. He was here full force and he had his hands all over me. Richard’s hands were rough on my skin. He cupped my cunt and lifted up, lifting my body off of the bed by the skin. I felt myself thrash about a little…scared but aroused. Terrified but needing to taste this side of him that I had invited in so many times. I just remember him hurting me. I remember him caning my cunt…my breasts and my stomach. I remember his hands in my hair and how he pulled me hard down to his cock and pressed my face into him. He turned slightly and again pressed my head lower and held my face there…back where he likes me to lick and kiss him. He told me to use my tongue, told me to remember I was Owned and that he knew I would do whatever he wanted. His breath was ragged when he pulled me off of him. More cane…all over my body. His fingers were biting and evil as he hurt me again and again. I heard myself whimper beneath him…I cried out again and again wanting it to end…not wanting it to end. He ended up on top of me his body almost straddling my face as he brought the cane down between my legs. He forced my legs open and caned the inside of my thighs there was no where for me to go, no way I could fight him, no safe word to save me.
I was his to do with as he wished and he knew it. Is he out of control I wondered trying so hard to hold still for the cane…wanting still in my fear to please him. I felt a calmness at one point step in and whisper that I was safe. Yes this Richard was more intense….who am I to question his need? Am I not submissive to him when he needs to nurture me, when he just wants to hold me or take me to dinner…to love me and enjoy my company. Today he needed me to just be hurt..to be still and let that scary side of him surface. At one point I remember squirming over on my side to try and escape the cane blows that felt harder and harder. I felt his hand reach down and press my into the bed and from the turn of his body I could feel him raise his arm. He held me down and caned me hard several times on my hip…before turning me back over on my back. I knew he could see my cunt juice dripping out of me…that he must be able to see my need. There was no embarrassment, no shame in my need.
I felt his cum on my cheek and across my mouth and then I felt his hands rubbing it across my face his hand lingering over my mouth. I was covered in him…needing it, loving the way it made me feel. He collapsed beside me and held me tight. Tighter than I ever remember being held. I don’t think either of us spoke for a long time. I felt his cum dry and tighten on my skin as I closed my eyes and dozed beside him.