S/M

scary Richard continued……

It is pretty amazing what can be done in the name of submission. I sit here and shake my head at the recollection of the other night. I shudder. I close my eyes. I touch the back of my neck. I kneel. I seek for a bright memory, one that doesn’t darken or fade away or become cloudy. One that I can somehow, someway make more than a memory so I can save it forever in my mind. I search and almost touch the feeling. Almost pull it back. It is quickly lost and then almost found again…. those small pieces of myself that somehow became detached by his cruelty.

He urged me to remember it all. He urged me to pull it back into my mind. I wonder if it makes him feel less powerful, less sadistic to know I can escape the pain. That my body allows me to slip away to a place where the hardest stroke of the cane is unfelt. I don’t think so. I think that it is my willingness…no, my desire, my need to take what it is he gives me that gives him power, that fulfills that sadistic urge. I can will myself to go away knowing I won’t fight him if I do. It is my safe place. A place where I know that even though I have escaped the pain I am still being imprisoned, guarded, protected, cherished by Richard. Even scary Richard does this. Even scary Richard has my trust. I think.

He held me in that place the other night. When shards of light pulled me from the quiet darkness he slowly pressed my head back under water. It was quiet where he kept me. The chaos was above me. Beneath me maybe, certainly all around me but never inside me. Outside of the quiet, outside of the darkness Richard was scaring me. He was reminding me of the risks associated with what we do, with what we need, with what we love about each other. He was pushing through that thin glass that separates what he needs from what he imagines. I know Friday night we were somewhere between the two. Richard wrote… I pressed you down and told you to go back to where it was safe, that I was there with you. I neglected to tell you that Scary Richard was there with you. You went away and I gave you three more pairs of hard strokes before you opened your eyes again. Again I comforted you. Again I caned you. I finally got Scary Richard to back off and I untied you. ”

I remember now him comforting me. Not the words he used but the tone of his voice, the soft quietness of his voice. I remember feeling safe even as I was searching for a way out, an escape route from the pain. Richard once said that my mind can take more than my body. That is why he stops before he wants to sometimes, that is why he stops before I want him to sometimes. That theory works if Richard is still able to see me as a thinking, feeling being. One thing I am learning about this scarier side of Richard is that I become something different to him in those long, cold moments where he is unleashed. I am less and more and I know that only makes sense around the cusps but to me it does… He said as he was trying to get me to remember what happened.

“I told you that all you were was 3 holes, and that I was going to fill every one of them. It may have been about then that I pulled out of your cunt and cruelly pushed my cock into your ass…”

I trust Richard. I trust him enough to go away to that deep level of ‘sub space’. I want to trust this scarier Richard…the sadist driving the sadist. I remember resting beside him and realizing that while my own heart had slowed his had not. He was practically growling beside me. His need was obvious yet he held me, stroked me, and loved me back to feeling solid and safe. I remember feeling all of me again. Coming fully awake and being surrounded by him in that warm safe feeling that always lingers after he hurts me. This was when he asked me if I was alright. He told me he loved me, told me that I had taken a lot for him and that he was very, very pleased with me. I felt him roll towards me and I was almost pinned beneath him. His fingers clawed at my breasts and pinched my nipples. He bit at me and caught my moans in his mouth with deep kisses. He told me that scary Richard needed to be caged, that he needed to do something to regain control. I could feel his restraint crumbling and I was afraid.

Right in front of me was the man that I had only seen glimpses of before. He is kept well hidden and only released in small trickling breaths. He was here full force and he had his hands all over me. Richard’s hands were rough on my skin. He cupped my cunt and lifted up, lifting my body off of the bed by the skin. I felt myself thrash about a little…scared but aroused. Terrified but needing to taste this side of him that I had invited in so many times. I just remember him hurting me. I remember him caning my cunt…my breasts and my stomach. I remember his hands in my hair and how he pulled me hard down to his cock and pressed my face into him. He turned slightly and again pressed my head lower and held my face there…back where he likes me to lick and kiss him. He told me to use my tongue, told me to remember I was Owned and that he knew I would do whatever he wanted. His breath was ragged when he pulled me off of him. More cane…all over my body. His fingers were biting and evil as he hurt me again and again. I heard myself whimper beneath him…I cried out again and again wanting it to end…not wanting it to end. He ended up on top of me his body almost straddling my face as he brought the cane down between my legs. He forced my legs open and caned the inside of my thighs there was no where for me to go, no way I could fight him, no safe word to save me.

I was his to do with as he wished and he knew it. Is he out of control I wondered trying so hard to hold still for the cane…wanting still in my fear to please him. I felt a calmness at one point step in and whisper that I was safe. Yes this Richard was more intense….who am I to question his need? Am I not submissive to him when he needs to nurture me, when he just wants to hold me or take me to dinner…to love me and enjoy my company. Today he needed me to just be hurt..to be still and let that scary side of him surface. At one point I remember squirming over on my side to try and escape the cane blows that felt harder and harder. I felt his hand reach down and press my into the bed and from the turn of his body I could feel him raise his arm. He held me down and caned me hard several times on my hip…before turning me back over on my back. I knew he could see my cunt juice dripping out of me…that he must be able to see my need. There was no embarrassment, no shame in my need.

I felt his cum on my cheek and across my mouth and then I felt his hands rubbing it across my face his hand lingering over my mouth. I was covered in him…needing it, loving the way it made me feel. He collapsed beside me and held me tight. Tighter than I ever remember being held. I don’t think either of us spoke for a long time. I felt his cum dry and tighten on my skin as I closed my eyes and dozed beside him.

19 thoughts on “scary Richard continued……

  1. that was so very dark…..scary for certain.

    i just have one question, and if i may it is for Richard:

    Were you in control?

  2. Good question. I hope he answers.

    My question is for pixie. How do you pull yourself back together after scens like this? Or can you? Isn’t your time limited now? I mean when you ‘dozed’ you didn’t wake up together. Did you? In fact he went home and woke up beside someone else?
    Now this is directed towards Richard. How does that work? Is ‘scary Richard’ appreciated at home? How can you do ‘that’ and then go home and be ‘normal’?

    How can you even leave pixie after a scene like that? How does a girl recover from that? Not being judgemental. Just thinking of pixie and worrying about the long term effects on her. How responsible is Richard here? He can do this to her. Does that mean he should?

  3. I’ll try to answer these questions – but simple yes or no probably won’t work. To make sure we have the timeline straight, pixie didn’t doze and wake up alone, except that I had momentarily left the room and immediately came back to her (previous post). She and I slept a bit, and I spent a long time with her before we left the apartment together. We went and had a hot chocolate at Starbucks together before we parted. I was sure she was ok and back to near normal before leaving her. I will let pixie speak for herself, but from my perspective she pulls herself together mostly by the passage of time in my arms, feeling safe and protected. It often takes an hour before she really begins to be pulled together, before she begins to speak to me in full sentences. I have left her too soon on an occassion or two, and it tends to be a disaster to be avoided at all costs.

    to Doubleknot’s question: pixie and I talked a lot about this after she wrote this post. It is clear that I have the desire, and the ability (by which I mean I have the mental ability – I am not, for example, too squeamish) to hurt her more than she wants to be hurt. But oh, so complicated – that fact is erotic to her and drives her to accept more than she might want or choose, simply to satisfy the need of her Dominant. And when she simply “goes away” or even when she is asking for more, it is really up to me to decide what is right. And I do. I have stopped when she was asking for more. I have stopped when she was so far gone she couldn’t express an opinion or a need. We are clearly exploring the edges here. So was I in control? Yes. I never lost sight of the understanding we have that I will not intnentionally do her permanent bodily damage. (Yes, I know the “intent” word leaves wiggle room, but that is not what I mean – we both know that I might accidently do something or that a blow of a cane might cause an internal bleeding – we know that what is happening inside her body cannot always be known, and that is the risk we accept and try to minimize). In other words, I always know what is “right” (the difference between right and wrong in the context of what we are doing). And I did stop. So I was in control.

    What was most scary about the situation is that I found myself near a point where I could see the other side – where I had to really work to hang on to the good side, the side that denies what it might want for the good of the other. It was right over ‘there’ and I could see it and feel it pulling at me. I verbalized it to her – we need to deal with this, I need to stop, I need to end this, Richard needs to orgasm or take a cold shower or something to put out the fire in his brain.

    Scary Richard is only just beginning to be understood by L. I guess I would just say she finds him ‘scary’. As to acting ‘normal, I have had a lot of practice at that – I live a non-kinky life and no one really knows this side of me. Obviously it is harder after a scene like this, easier the next morning. L and I are working on the mechanics of my coming home after being with pixie, with the understanding that I might be a little weird for a while.

    that’s the best I can do right now. There is a lot of food for thought here.

  4. Richard, It is good that you have addressed the part about the risk of internal bleeding and trying to minimise that.

    Are there certain places that you do not cane? Or places that you cane harder than others? For example: caning of someone’s vagina/cunt/pussy/whatever….how do you “safely” cane this area?

  5. Hi Claire,
    thin cane, light taps, repetitions rather than force. Phew, wait – my screen just steamed up thinking about it…….
    R

  6. Ok, that makes more sense. I just has visions of you beating the hell out of Pixie down there and couldn’t understand how doing that wouldn’t cause any damage or could be arousing!

    Why use a cane though when you can use a hand? Why use a props at all? Have been thinking about this a lot lately, how and why “props” are used. Does one get less enjoyment using hands more than a instrument for example? I only ask as my Beast is more a hands on person than props and I was wondering what different dynamic using a cane as apposed to using a hand brings? For both the D and the s?

  7. L..yes a ridiculous but unikely risk. And isn’t there risks associated with all we do in life to some extent?

    Good question Claire. 🙂 I love the cane…every implement provides a different sensation. I get PLENTY of Richard’s hands…everywhere. 🙂

  8. I think you are right Pixie,in that there is risk attached with everything we do in life.

    However,some risks can be more carefully calculated than others,I guess.

  9. I mention internal bleeding only as an example. Less likely an issue an caning the butt. More risk associated with breast caning. The breast and nipple are complex organs/appendages (what the hell do we call them anyway?). Caning the breast and nipple area, not to mention needles, poses a not insignificant risk which should not be ignored or treated lightly. I throw this out only to encourage people to make sure they are aware and understand that there are risks, and not just plunge ahead into Richard & pixie-land. It isn’t for everyone. A brief description can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tit_torture

    Has anyone noticed that the risk factor can add to the eroticism? Or are pixie and I the only ones so far out there that that is a factor?

  10. I think that at the moment, you are both WAY ahead of me and Beast, I am just trying to get my head around caning of the pussy!!!

    But I don’t mind reading about it!

    Pixie – Also, there gets a time when the hand gets tired and a bit red and sore, using the cane gives it a rest as well! Perhaps it is time to make some purchases………..

  11. i agree with pixie on the difference in sensation from different implements. there are also different emotional components, both for the recipient and for the evil, sadistic dom 😉

    i would suspect part of the latter’s experience comes from the actual physical feel of the action, and part from the reaction of the poor submissive.

    sorry, i’m having trouble focusing on this post. i’m receiving a very welcome visitor for Valentine’s night, and it will be a very, um… stimulating weekend. i must be some sort of masochist – ok, i AM some sort of masochist – because i sent on to the academician Richard’s instructions on cunt caning. i am BADLY in need of being hurt…

  12. Definitely different emotional components for each implement. For me, a hand is personal and intimate; a belt is disciplinary; a cane is harsh and dismissive. He uses each one depending on whether he’s trying to train me, punish me, humiliate me, etc.

    Plus isn’t it fun to have a lot of toys at your disposal?

    -Kitten

  13. I don’t have anything to say, It’s scary. It’s intense. It leaves me breathless. I can’t imagine going thru the same.

  14. Mina…yes you can imagine going through the same. haven’t you..aren’t you now? if not…why are you breathless? 🙂

  15. I do not doubt that Richard was in control. I have seen this happen. It is almost as if a Dominant steps outside himself. There is an awareness of what he/she is doing and also an awareness og what the sub needs but he is feeling and thinking on a heightened level.
    I worry more for pixie. I think she is a young submissive. My bet is that you are somewhere between 20 and 25. I would say you were younger but you have a mature writing style and have an amazing insight to yourself. My concern is that you are not allowing yourself enough emotional recoverage. Is recoverage a word? No matter- Iwould like to hear from Richard what he does to make sure you are OK after the toys are packed up and you both head home. Pixie to what we assume is to an empty house and you to a spouse that needs reassurance. When I read ALL of this that is the part that draws me in the most. How is all this working? Pixie must linger with you. You with her. L must sense that just as Liam must have sensed that.
    Lots of questions and they are NOMB. I care about the writers of this blog and I can say that wihout pretneding to know you.

    dX

  16. Of course internal bleeding is a ridiculous risk. The chances of that actually happening between two (almost) sane and consenting adults is close to nil. Richard is obviously experienced. He obviously loves and cares for pixiepie deeply. Even in the depths of his ‘Dom-Space’ he must be taking note of her needs, her reactions, her limits. He is a good Dominant and good Dominants do that. Now with that said- because pixie can go into what Richard described as the ‘zone’ he must be watchful that she not fall too deeply into her ‘zone’ and he fall too deeply into being ‘Scary Richard’. I do not fear for pixies physical safety as much as I do for the lack of emotional support all of the new twists allow her.
    Pixie also mentioned not having a safe word again. People go round and round about the need for a safe word every once in awhile. Submissives like pixie do not need safe words when they have owners like R. Now if the man of steel was still in the picture I may be speaking differently simply because it was long distance and Mark wasn’t able to know her the way R knows her.

    It should also be said and this is only my professional opinion and that is all relationships need to be evaluated and then reevaluated. If pixie strays farther from R’s side he may find he knows her less. She may trust him less and then possibly a safe word is in order. I also wonder if the idea of a safe word has been discussed with L? How does she feel about her huspand taking risks with this small, frail looking pixie? Does she have worries that pixie could be injured? Is there a plan in place if that should happen?

    Always a pleasure. 🙂 pixiepie your pictures are breathtaking. Nice shots Richard.

  17. desireX, just briefly in response. First the admission that I haven’t always done it right. Second, it is just time – she needs time. Third, and this is the hard part, she needs subsequent contact, not always but often, and we have struggled with that a little. It has pretty much eliminate Friday nights for us, since the weekends are by agreement off limits with some exceptions. So we’re working on that.
    At the other end, yes there is a spouse needing reassurance while pixie yet lingers with me. L and I have some understandings about that, we have started some routines – but that end is easier because of my physical presence. That is the part that pixie misses and needs, and we don’t have that totally figured out yet.

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