the downs

I do not typically preceed a post with an explanation. Today I am. Today I feel like I have to because of the ups and downs of this journey I am on. I wrote this a couple nights ago. Since then I have spent hours working and talking through some of my feelings. I realize I am keeping him on a roller coaster too. I am going to try and do better. I explain this to you because my writng is a stream of my thoughts and a snap shot of how I am feeling at that exact moment.

This night…I struggled. The morning as it usually is was a little brighter. Yesterday laying naked in Richard’s arms for the afternoon…it was even brighter. I admit I am confused. I admit that I am struggling with all of this. I make no excuses. I am a willing participant of an untraditonal relationship. My snap shot today is a little different than the one below. Everything I expressed below is what I am feeling…what I will feel again. We will continue to work through it. I just wanted you to know…..

What is the matter with me tonight? I am tired. I am tired of feeling. I am tired of not feeling. Most of all I think I am afraid of pretending not to feel, not to care. Pretending everything is alright. Really in many ways it is. Many ways it is not. When I sit and reflect, really reflect on my feelings I am left even more confused. There are so many voices in my head making suggestions or offering me reassurance that I have stopped listening to my core voice. The one I used to trust. The one that has turned into white noise and blocks itself out mostly.

I think for the most part I am in a good place with Richard. I think that and then a word, or an image or a text message from him comes through and it catches me wrong. I think that is part of my problem. OK…that is my problem. I am too sensitive. I am emotional especially when I feel as if I do right now. And how do I feel?

Right beneath the surface of what I project there is this part of me that feels cracked. I feel like I am grabbing at myself trying to hold all the pieces in place but they are falling through my fingers. They are falling around me and they are shattering faster than I can save them. I feel like something has been scraped aside and every touch or caress leaves it aching and even more raw than before. I don’t know why. I don’t know why right now I am feeling some of what I am feeling. I want it to go away. I want to go away. I feel like maybe something has not quite reconnected in my head. I wonder when you are at last broken is it even possible to be put back together the right way? Are there always extra parts?

I miss Liam too. He is out of the country again. He will be gone for six weeks this time- at least. For the past month or so he and I have had monitored contact. Monitored by Richard. No overnights, no sex, adjusted curfews..etc. Liam and Richard have communicated quite often. Part of me feels lost without Liam here as the last several pressure free weeks with him reminded me of why I care so deeply for him. Ever since L returned…really ever since L and Richard have recommitted to their marriage Liam has been what made all of that easier for me to take. My nights weren’t lonely. When I wasn’t with Liam we spent hours on the phone, hours instant messaging. He talked about our future, what he wanted…and that he wanted it with me. He made me laugh…he made me feel special and reminded me that I am more than a submissive..that I have real lasting value with someone.
We shared millions of memories from when I was little. He was the hero figure that I grew up admiring and I was that tag along sometimes too quiet little girl that he teased and tried to make smile. Several years older than me he watched me grow up and he was one of the first people who caught up with me when I moved back home.

I told Richard that Liam knows me. He knows more about me than anyone else does. Even Richard. I also know now that even though the future may be farther away than what Liam would like there is a very real possibility that he is my future. I can imagine building a life with a man like him. I know that he and I had a difficult time. He misunderstood my submission more than once causing me to misunderstand his dominance. He has also stood by me even as I shared my heart and my body with Richard. He understands my need to submit, to be Owned and has made me a promise to not attempt to sway me.

Not purposely. Yet Liam sways me. He sways my submission to Richard, my trust in him and my trust in myself. He told me once that I seek out men like Richard, men like Mark because there is a place inside myself that feels as if love and pain must be blended somehow. That a part of me somewhere deep down is convinced that in order to be loved I must let someone hurt me. He told me that he wants to show me that he can love me and never need to hurt me. That I am worthy of love without pain. I have spent a lot of time figuring out my submission and trying to understand what makes me like what I like, what makes me need to feel pain and to experience humiliation. Finally I decided, like I imagine many of us have decided that what caused it doesn’t matter as much as how it feels, what it completes or what it fulfills. But when I am with Liam all of that matters less somehow. He makes me feel as if there must be a reason….he feels as if it is a weakness somehow. Not a character flaw but a weakness in my spirit that only widens every time Richard reinforces it. Pain and then love…pain and then love. He says Richard should know better. I am confused. I feel a little lost tonight.

I know what I am to Richard. I know he loves me, that he needs me. But is that alright? Am I alright way down there inside where what I give to him is something he should take? Yes…deep thoughts I know.

It’s late, I haven’t slept and I just got off the phone with Liam. He told me that Richard fills a place in me that somewhere along the way someone cruel carved out. We talked a lot about that. About life circumstances, childhood events and people that may have held the knife. He said it is what I do with it from now on that matters. He told me that he loves me. He wanted to know how I was feeling…but it was almost as if he knew. And so we talked…and talked.

There are times that I feel used although I quickly reject that. I feel resentful that L gets Richard all of the time and then wants to dictate my time with him down to the amount of times he can contact me. I feel resentful as if I am boxed up. I am something she can box up and put away….a toy that that she allows him to play with when he behaves at home….when her needs are met. While I am being honest I hate the idea that he sleeps with her every night. I hate that he takes calls from her while we are talking and tells me he is making them dinner reservations. That he makes love to her…. that they go to the movies and dinner and I get a quick message that says….this is the last chance I will get to say goodnight to you. And I look at the time and it is six o’clock. I want to scream…keep your TM. Keep it because now I will imagine what it is you are doing all night. All the nights that he spends with her and I am alone. I hate feeling this despair, I hate feeling ungrateful for what I have of him. I hate the way I feel when I know he is home with her. I really, really hate that the two of them have experimented a little with D/s now. I hate that she will know that side of him and the more she has the less I have, the less he needs me and the more this turns into me feeling used and less about feeling submissive.
I hate that there are days I feel pacified by him. That he is doing what he needs to do and saying what he needs to say to keep me in that submissive mindset of feeling Owned. I hate when Liam points out what I have given up for Richard. The cost of my submission. Even Richard asked me…where would Liam and I be if there was no Richard. Would I be sitting here alone tonight. Or would I be sitting with Liam…being loved by him, by someone who loves only me just as Richard is home tonight loving L. I don’t know. I only know that I have nights like this. When it is so dark outside I can’t stand it and the hours pass so slowly I beg the day to wake up. I beg the sun to come up so I don’t feel so alone. So I don’t picture the two of them curled up together. That I am this weak and that I have lost at least for right now the strength my submission brings me.

I think physically I have given him everything. I feel an empty spot that he doesn’t have the time or energy to fill…he couldn’t even if he wanted to. He told me…this is something I can’t fix for you. I can’t fix lonely he said. I know that. I know he needs strength from me…that he needs me to stand firm in my submission. To remember… to focus on what I get from him and not what L is getting. How can I not focus on that when everything she is getting is what I am not…when everything he gives her is what I need from someone. I know it won’t come from Richard. I also know that Richard being in my life inhibits me from seeking it out for myself even when I so obviously need more. I am not ‘good’ all alone. I am not made like that and it is made even worse feeling so detached from Richard…and knowing Liam is thousands of miles away wanting me.

Am I fooling myself? Is this working? I am a jealous submissive. I am not what Richard needs. I am not being strong or focused. I am letting him down and he deserves better. I have never been closer to ending it with him than I am right now. I feel the urge to fight off the feelings, the good feelings of being Owned, of being submissive. I feel as if all the good is shared with him…all the bad feelings, all the angst, all the long nights alone are spent by myself. I resent him for that and I just realized it. I just realized it. I tasted it today when my answers to him curt and biting….when I became what I hate. How can a submissive resent her Dominant? Have I crossed over into something else…should I ask him to release me? Should I tell him I can’t continue on? Why does the thought of that make me weep yet why do I feel as if I could grow stronger somehow on my own? I am so confused.
He deserves more…and less than me. He deserves a sub that can offer her body without needing to give her soul. I think I had dreams wrapped up with Richard….dreams that are gone now. I can’t see past our next ‘scheduled…timed’evening and I hate that. I hate that I still feel like a scheduled appointment. “OK…Richard needs a D/s fix let’s allow him to spend time with pixie from 5-9 Wednesday night.”

And am I way off….I sit here thinking that Richard deserves more. But don’t I?

I don’t like this shelf.

I don’t like feeling sad or even the fact that I am making Liam feel sad. I don’t like the feeling anymore that he knows I share myself with Richard. I don’t like the idea anymore that I am taking this beautiful, successful, loving generous man who is offering me this dream filled future and rejecting him for a 5-10 o’clock appointment with a man who is going to go home to someone who is having her dream filled future realized.
Am I not in fact worth not worthy of more? Why did I have to care..to love? Why do I balance between yes and no? Why can I not see? Why am I looking for a shell to crawl into, why do I want to curl up and cry myself to sleep? Why is it harder for me everyday to know what would hurt me the most….losing Richard as my Owner or to continue losing myself. How long can I allow myself to get lost in the pleasure side of Richard..of my submission and forget the toll it is taking on the rest of me..on my heart?

17 thoughts on “the downs

  1. Mike and I are sending you a giant blog hug. I just forwarded this to him at work and he was very sad for you. You always spring back pixiepie. I think submission is like anything else there are good and bad days.
    I worry that Richard is not taking care of you emotionally. Does he see you as a ‘sure thing’? Like you are so owned by him you do not need to have your needs met? I guess he has more to lose if he can’t keep L happy than if you are unhappy. This is a hard place to be pixie. Good luck

  2. Oh Pixie. Maybe you just posted this – I’m surprised there aren’t 100 comments yet. I have so much I’d like to say to you, but couldn’t express it all here.

    My first thoughts reading this were – good for you Pixie. Demand what you want, say how you feel, you’re submissive but you haven’t lost yourself. And you won’t.

    In those first jealous sounding posts of yours a bit back, I thought you were a little selfish, it was all so new to L. I figured you’d give it a couple of weeks at least to really feel the jealousy, and you have. It’s so understandable. It’s the reason in my mind single people should never become involved with attached people. Jealousy. It must be unavoidable, and I’ve never even been in that situation. My God, of course you feel lost and alone and in need of the man you love. Don’t we always want what we can’t have??? If Richard were available you may not even miss him this much. I also think you may be painting too rosy a picture of a fantasyland between Richard and L. My guess is that Richard really wants to run to you, 80% if not more of the time. Just a hunch.

    Pixie, the ups and downs are so difficult. No one else can tell you what’s right. I’m not sure Liam should try to influence you like that. Bold of me to say maybe, but you sound a lot like me, and I really just think Liam occupies your time and mind a bit and isn’t the one for you. If he was, I’m not sure you’d have grown so attached to Richard. I think Richard is even more attractive to you because he is unavailable. And I think you’ve yet to meet your man, or maybe have and we don’t know it. Just my thoughts, worthless really.

    I really think Richard loves you and would love to be with you. He is at such a different place in his life. I don’t think you should feel used by him at all, or you can feel it, but I just don’t think it’s true. I actually think he may need you even more than you need him.

    Good luck Pixie.

  3. My wonderful pixie, you know how your words have touched me. For the rest of you, pixie shared this with me the morning after she wrote it, a day and a half ago. We have talked much about it since then.

    First, I must say that there is so much true here. There is so much pain here. There is so much recognition of things that pixie wants and needs that I will not be able to give her.

    Second, I must say that there are things not said here. There is no mention that pixie still has doubts, not superficial ones, about whether Liam really is the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. There is no mention that much of what is being said here is not new to our situation, it has just become more apparent.

    On the day after she wrote this, pixie asked me to let her take a break from this. When I pushed her for details about what “this” was, the discussion ranged from remaining her Owner but putting the sex and scenes on hold, to continuing the sex and scenes but trying to wring the emotion out of it and make it pure D/s, to my releasing her from my Ownership, to my temporarily not acting as her Owner. I told her that, like the 3-way relationship we have been trying to build, it is easy to say what it is you want (a polyamory relationship or “a break from this”), but when you look at the details it is really complicated. So, am I not seeing you tomorrow night? Am I not calling you in the morning like I have every day for weeks and weeks? The email you are about to forward to me from a friend – why would you do that now? When you say you’re about to eat another chocolate, why should I be the one to tell you not to? What exactly, should I do tomorrow that is different from today that will give you the time and space to re-think things? What would cause me to keep all the responsiblity of Ownership in a relationship that was not providing me with the release of my sadistic needs, the entire rationale for my maintaining a relationship outside my marriage? And how long do you need? Long enough to stop loving me (and just how long will that take?)? Long enough for Liam to return? In fact, we have recognized that maybe we are on a 6-week death march, and have discussed ending it now. What exactly do we hope to accomplish in this time frame?

    I cannot begin to detail the conversations that we had over this. Long hours, thoughtful hours, sharing ideas, poking at what made her feel “lost” when we are apart, what changes we could make to help that. Whether she is just caught between conflicting wants and needs where there is no way to reconcile them. It is just beyond listing here. Of course, through most of it I was totally depressed. But last night I was able to tell her that in the morning (this morning) I knew exactly how I would feel and what I would say. I would put on my Dom hat and say, “what? are you crazy? I am most certainly not releasing you while Liam is out of the country and there is nothing, no one, to take my place. When he comes back in 6 weeks, we can talk about it again. ” And that is pretty much what I said.

    I will leave it to pixie to try to describe where we are today, after the second day I spent in her bed, reminding her of why her submission is good, why it is nothing to be ashamed of, why it is not necessarily a good thing to go back and try to find a bad cause in her past that if we could just get some therapy would make it all better.

    Perhaps most importantly, we discussed the fact that pixie is doing no better than I did at being the one to decide when it is “time”. I have reluctantly agreed that it is my job, but with the understanding that much of what I think about that will depend on her honest appraisal of the seriousness of her relationship with Liam. We’ll try that for awhile.

    I have done a totally inadequate job of trying to capture two days of such serious and beautiful conversation with my pixie. I am sure more will be revealed as she continues to write, as our thoughts get refined, as our lives evolve and change. Some things will become clearer. Some we think we understand may cloud up. Maybe amazing pixie can convince Liam that if L can handle it, he should be able to handle it. 🙂

    For those about to ask what L thinks of this, she is not happy that all the work we have done so far is in danger of falling apart, leaving her to deal with a sadistic husband who has no pixie. She says “if I can deal with it, she can.” She doesn’t like the angst that comes over me, and over her, when the fragile boat begins to rock, even knowing that tomorrow she might be the one rocking it.

    Two amazing women. Keep them in your thoughts.

  4. Sending hugs your way Pixie.

    “That a part of me somewhere deep down is convinced that in order to be loved I must let someone hurt me”

    The above,was extremely insightful Pixie,and extremely poignant. I have often wondered whether that may be where the desire for you to have a relationship as you do with Richard,may spring from. I hope that isnt the case though.

    I was also really struck by what Liam had said to you

    “He told me once that I seek out men like Richard, men like Mark because there is a place inside myself that feels as if love and pain must be blended ”

    I wonder if that could be true,and an explanation for some of the current dynamics in your life?

    Take care,and I hope things become clearer in time for you. To me,it seems as if you really need to work out what you want,and want your priorities are in life,and what you can live with,and what you cant?
    If only it was ever that simple though………………………..

  5. Pixie, your post made me ache, there is nothing that I or any of us can say that can ease this pain.

    “Two amazing women” – but do not forget Richard, 2 very different women. What works for one will not necessarily work for the other, as you know :-).

    “she is not happy that all the work we have done so far is in danger of falling apart, leaving her to deal with a sadistic husband who has no pixie” – It is not up to Pixie to ensure that L is happy, to keep the waters calm and the boat still for you and her. She is not L’s sub, she is yours. And I know that “L being happy makes you happy and in a way she is serving you by keeping L happy” blah blah blah etc etc etc, but as “un-submissive” as it may be, she does have to think of herself in this situation and what makes Pixie happy.

    If L knows that Pixie is hurting and unhappy, is she willing to amend the “rules” that she has set and allow you more time with her? Perhaps it is time to push forward and let L know just how you feel about Pixie, the full depth of your feelings for each other. Otherwise L is not going to understand just how badly Pixie is hurting and why. She will build misconceptions of Pixie and her intentions and not know the real reason. Just like she did with D/s and with you Richard.

    Perhaps this in turn will help Pixie? It must be painful and demoralising to be thought of as “a toy that you get to play with when you behave at home” and not as a person, someone who you love. Do you think that this may be contributing to the pain that Pixie is feeing, and may ease some of her doubts, make her feel more secure, if L really knows just what she means to you?

    It seems like you are closer than ever to one of you leaving, and Richard, perhaps now is the time for drastic action. Perhaps it is time to strap on the BIG pair of balls again and rock the boat one last time!

    Wishing you both luck as always.

  6. “How can a submissive resent her Dominant?”

    That’s the first spark of individuality that you’ve shared in a long time, Pixie. Whether you stay or whether you go is almost irrelevant, when compared to actually getting your SELF back. I have always felt that the real strength, the guiding force in a D/s dynamic is how strong the SUBMISSIVE knows and believes in himself/herself, and we all know that I’m no expert. But ‘self’ is vital in any relationship. Do you know yours, honey?

  7. pixie –

    What a beautiful, heart-breaking introspective. When powerfuls words like these flow from you, please don’t ever forget them, because they will be some of the most honest you will ever speak.

    As i read this snapshot, i can’t help but agree with ronjazz that self is vital in any relationship – and often, i think that is forgotten in the thrilling ride that D/s relationships can be.

    It’s my personal belief that interpersonal relationships of any kind must be defined only by the totality of each person…not a (to borrow your term, pixie) “boxed in” version of yourself.

    i would hope that these long hours of conversation with Richard included him telling you to never, ever apologize for exploring your own self – for admitting the realities of what you need as a whole person, no matter how sadly normal they may be.

  8. Where to begin … really? you don’t know why you feel this way? Sweetie, you need more than Richard can give you. There is NOTHING wrong with that. You need a man who can go to bed with you and wake up next to you. Someone whom you can call whenever. Someone who will take you out to dinner. I have been in a relationship with a married man. Even though it wasn’t D/s, it’s still the same. The few good moments are enough to keep you happy… but then what happens when you are alone? Thoughts of unhappiness come in. I would cry myself to sleep, wanting someone there to hold me. A day comes when enough is enough.
    Your feelings of being a toy that L lets Richard play with are absolutely reasonable if not true. You do get to have Richard on her terms.. and now she is exploring D/s… so one day she will be everything Richard needs… and who will get left alone?
    I don’t know if Liam is the man for you.. but I do know you can not have a fulfilling relationship with anyone as long as Richard is in the picture.
    Pixie, you should never feel like anything you feel is awful. It’s how you feel. You are a woman. You have needs. I would not be able to continue a HAPPY relationship with anyone who couldn’t be 100% mine. It’s not possible.

    I wish you the best and hope you find your happiness.

  9. Pixie, You have a wonderful way of expressing your heart. It broke mine to read it. When is it being irresponsible as an ‘Owner’ for Richard to keep you. Are your emotional needs being met? Your need for love? That basic need for one on one consistent affection?

    Good Luck Sweetie!

  10. pixie,

    reading how you feel a struggle to disconnect your love from your submission and your emotions from your physicality, reminds me of how i felt when i was struggling with john. he was a married man, too, whose wife had OK’s his time with a submissive (me).

    not that i can even compare my relationship and yours. it isn’t really even all that helpful to do anyway. more than anything, i’m trying to say that i feel as though i know what you are going through. i recognize pieces of your emotional turmoil as though they were mine. and i’m sorry that you are going through this now.

    but i also know you are going to be alright. i’m always just an email or a click away if you need a friend (although you have lots of them, i know). sometimes it’s just nice to feel people reach out.

    i’m reaching. big hugs!

  11. Pixie,

    I find it hard to understand how Richard can say you and his wife are both amazing, but treats neither of you the way you both deserve to be treated — you are both sorely short-changed.

    I like your idea of taking a break from Richard. In some of his comments it sounds like he twists your words, and the comments of your other readers, to meet his own needs.

    Maybe you could see a therapist, you know, someone who would not gain sexually or romantically in helping you understand what is best for YOUR future.

  12. Heartwrenching. Pretty pixie, you do not need your Doms permission to ‘take a break’. This is not slavery. If you feel the need to step away your history is there to show you that you can do that. Successfully I might add.
    Sometimes a break is in order. I agree with Ally. It appears at times that your words are twisted to fall into Richard’s plan of possessing you and there is not much regard given to what is best for you. As a Dominant, as a man I fail to see how he can read your words and do anything less than let you go. Is that not his forst responsibility to you.

    Are you happy pixiepie?

  13. So many people have already posted a comment and shared their thoughts. Pixie, I just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts. I felt so sad reading this post. I hope everything works out the way it should, and a way that is best for everyone (but particularly you). It’s not going to happen instantly, but I feel that something’s gotta give.


  14. Someone has been busy. One never knows what they might find here. 🙂

    I have played catch up and I think you guys need to lay off Richard..lol. No one is 100% selfless. I think he is doing his best. He loves pixie. Of course he is devoted and loves his wife.

    I imagine he wouldn’t leave either of them willingly. It might be easy for many people to say that if given a choice or an ultimatum that hw wouls have to pick his wife. I don’t feel that is what pixie is asking, wanting or needing from Richard. I read this as her cry for help to her Dom that has consistently met her needs for several months. It must provide and off balnce feeling to have that kind of pulled away.

    This is a tough place to be. I also think you need to stick it out pixie and see what happens. I hope L can see past her own pain to recognize yours. I hope you both (pixie and L) can appreciate Richard for trying to meet both sets of needs. A secret is sometimes easier. It shows how much he loves both of you that he is going to such lengths.

  15. I have tried to keep my comments to a minimum. I have to comment on els comments above. I do not understand your need to encourage L and pixie to appreciate Richard. You know what they say about making beds, tangling webs etc. I can go on.

    I also do not like the way Richard says “I will leave it to pixie to try to describe where we are today, after the second day I spent in her bed, reminding her of why her submission is good, why it is nothing to be ashamed of, why it is not necessarily a good thing to go back and try to find a bad cause in her past that if we could just get some therapy would make it all better.”

    I feel him summarizing and then discounting Liams words. I will not condone a few of Liams actions in the past but he sounds like out of the two that he has more of a care for pixies well being. Richard says he spent two days in pixies bed and that tells us what? All of the problems in her little world are over because he gave her a little attention?

    I am not sure what to think about all of this right now. Mmmm. I think Richard can do better. It is like having two jobs when you don’t really need the money. Are you committed to either of them or do you just want to work?

  16. oh boy. i’ve been holding off weighing in on this, because i think we tend to see the situation through the lens of our own experiences and sore spots.


    i am always suspicious of the man who wants to have everything – and who, however he may phrase it, is essentially telling the people in his life “take it or leave it.” i do admire Richard for coming out to L, for giving her the chance to know and accept him for who he is. that takes a lot of courage, especially since he does seem to love L and to be committed to the marriage – which now has the chance of being a full, honest relationship.

    i admire L for working to understand and accept Richard and his needs, and for realizing that accepting his need for you, pixie, relieves her from the pressure to do things she is unwilling or not yet ready to do. she gets extra points for any concerns and consideration she has for pixie. but really, no one has a right to expect it from her.

    and then there’s our pixie. sweetie, you are in this relationship with Richard of your own free will. and while i know that a D/s relationship can form particularly complicated ties, you must remember that in the end your responsibility is to yourself and your own needs. i think Richard is trying to do his best by both of you, but his main concern seems to be his own needs.

    so you must look after yours. not Liam’s. not Richard’s. yours. with no apologies.

    you do deserve more.

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