I do not typically preceed a post with an explanation. Today I am. Today I feel like I have to because of the ups and downs of this journey I am on. I wrote this a couple nights ago. Since then I have spent hours working and talking through some of my feelings. I realize I am keeping him on a roller coaster too. I am going to try and do better. I explain this to you because my writng is a stream of my thoughts and a snap shot of how I am feeling at that exact moment.
This night…I struggled. The morning as it usually is was a little brighter. Yesterday laying naked in Richard’s arms for the afternoon…it was even brighter. I admit I am confused. I admit that I am struggling with all of this. I make no excuses. I am a willing participant of an untraditonal relationship. My snap shot today is a little different than the one below. Everything I expressed below is what I am feeling…what I will feel again. We will continue to work through it. I just wanted you to know…..
What is the matter with me tonight? I am tired. I am tired of feeling. I am tired of not feeling. Most of all I think I am afraid of pretending not to feel, not to care. Pretending everything is alright. Really in many ways it is. Many ways it is not. When I sit and reflect, really reflect on my feelings I am left even more confused. There are so many voices in my head making suggestions or offering me reassurance that I have stopped listening to my core voice. The one I used to trust. The one that has turned into white noise and blocks itself out mostly.
I think for the most part I am in a good place with Richard. I think that and then a word, or an image or a text message from him comes through and it catches me wrong. I think that is part of my problem. OK…that is my problem. I am too sensitive. I am emotional especially when I feel as if I do right now. And how do I feel?
Right beneath the surface of what I project there is this part of me that feels cracked. I feel like I am grabbing at myself trying to hold all the pieces in place but they are falling through my fingers. They are falling around me and they are shattering faster than I can save them. I feel like something has been scraped aside and every touch or caress leaves it aching and even more raw than before. I don’t know why. I don’t know why right now I am feeling some of what I am feeling. I want it to go away. I want to go away. I feel like maybe something has not quite reconnected in my head. I wonder when you are at last broken is it even possible to be put back together the right way? Are there always extra parts?
I miss Liam too. He is out of the country again. He will be gone for six weeks this time- at least. For the past month or so he and I have had monitored contact. Monitored by Richard. No overnights, no sex, adjusted curfews..etc. Liam and Richard have communicated quite often. Part of me feels lost without Liam here as the last several pressure free weeks with him reminded me of why I care so deeply for him. Ever since L returned…really ever since L and Richard have recommitted to their marriage Liam has been what made all of that easier for me to take. My nights weren’t lonely. When I wasn’t with Liam we spent hours on the phone, hours instant messaging. He talked about our future, what he wanted…and that he wanted it with me. He made me laugh…he made me feel special and reminded me that I am more than a submissive..that I have real lasting value with someone.
We shared millions of memories from when I was little. He was the hero figure that I grew up admiring and I was that tag along sometimes too quiet little girl that he teased and tried to make smile. Several years older than me he watched me grow up and he was one of the first people who caught up with me when I moved back home.
I told Richard that Liam knows me. He knows more about me than anyone else does. Even Richard. I also know now that even though the future may be farther away than what Liam would like there is a very real possibility that he is my future. I can imagine building a life with a man like him. I know that he and I had a difficult time. He misunderstood my submission more than once causing me to misunderstand his dominance. He has also stood by me even as I shared my heart and my body with Richard. He understands my need to submit, to be Owned and has made me a promise to not attempt to sway me.
Not purposely. Yet Liam sways me. He sways my submission to Richard, my trust in him and my trust in myself. He told me once that I seek out men like Richard, men like Mark because there is a place inside myself that feels as if love and pain must be blended somehow. That a part of me somewhere deep down is convinced that in order to be loved I must let someone hurt me. He told me that he wants to show me that he can love me and never need to hurt me. That I am worthy of love without pain. I have spent a lot of time figuring out my submission and trying to understand what makes me like what I like, what makes me need to feel pain and to experience humiliation. Finally I decided, like I imagine many of us have decided that what caused it doesn’t matter as much as how it feels, what it completes or what it fulfills. But when I am with Liam all of that matters less somehow. He makes me feel as if there must be a reason….he feels as if it is a weakness somehow. Not a character flaw but a weakness in my spirit that only widens every time Richard reinforces it. Pain and then love…pain and then love. He says Richard should know better. I am confused. I feel a little lost tonight.
I know what I am to Richard. I know he loves me, that he needs me. But is that alright? Am I alright way down there inside where what I give to him is something he should take? Yes…deep thoughts I know.
It’s late, I haven’t slept and I just got off the phone with Liam. He told me that Richard fills a place in me that somewhere along the way someone cruel carved out. We talked a lot about that. About life circumstances, childhood events and people that may have held the knife. He said it is what I do with it from now on that matters. He told me that he loves me. He wanted to know how I was feeling…but it was almost as if he knew. And so we talked…and talked.
There are times that I feel used although I quickly reject that. I feel resentful that L gets Richard all of the time and then wants to dictate my time with him down to the amount of times he can contact me. I feel resentful as if I am boxed up. I am something she can box up and put away….a toy that that she allows him to play with when he behaves at home….when her needs are met. While I am being honest I hate the idea that he sleeps with her every night. I hate that he takes calls from her while we are talking and tells me he is making them dinner reservations. That he makes love to her…. that they go to the movies and dinner and I get a quick message that says….this is the last chance I will get to say goodnight to you. And I look at the time and it is six o’clock. I want to scream…keep your TM. Keep it because now I will imagine what it is you are doing all night. All the nights that he spends with her and I am alone. I hate feeling this despair, I hate feeling ungrateful for what I have of him. I hate the way I feel when I know he is home with her. I really, really hate that the two of them have experimented a little with D/s now. I hate that she will know that side of him and the more she has the less I have, the less he needs me and the more this turns into me feeling used and less about feeling submissive.
I hate that there are days I feel pacified by him. That he is doing what he needs to do and saying what he needs to say to keep me in that submissive mindset of feeling Owned. I hate when Liam points out what I have given up for Richard. The cost of my submission. Even Richard asked me…where would Liam and I be if there was no Richard. Would I be sitting here alone tonight. Or would I be sitting with Liam…being loved by him, by someone who loves only me just as Richard is home tonight loving L. I don’t know. I only know that I have nights like this. When it is so dark outside I can’t stand it and the hours pass so slowly I beg the day to wake up. I beg the sun to come up so I don’t feel so alone. So I don’t picture the two of them curled up together. That I am this weak and that I have lost at least for right now the strength my submission brings me.
I think physically I have given him everything. I feel an empty spot that he doesn’t have the time or energy to fill…he couldn’t even if he wanted to. He told me…this is something I can’t fix for you. I can’t fix lonely he said. I know that. I know he needs strength from me…that he needs me to stand firm in my submission. To remember… to focus on what I get from him and not what L is getting. How can I not focus on that when everything she is getting is what I am not…when everything he gives her is what I need from someone. I know it won’t come from Richard. I also know that Richard being in my life inhibits me from seeking it out for myself even when I so obviously need more. I am not ‘good’ all alone. I am not made like that and it is made even worse feeling so detached from Richard…and knowing Liam is thousands of miles away wanting me.
Am I fooling myself? Is this working? I am a jealous submissive. I am not what Richard needs. I am not being strong or focused. I am letting him down and he deserves better. I have never been closer to ending it with him than I am right now. I feel the urge to fight off the feelings, the good feelings of being Owned, of being submissive. I feel as if all the good is shared with him…all the bad feelings, all the angst, all the long nights alone are spent by myself. I resent him for that and I just realized it. I just realized it. I tasted it today when my answers to him curt and biting….when I became what I hate. How can a submissive resent her Dominant? Have I crossed over into something else…should I ask him to release me? Should I tell him I can’t continue on? Why does the thought of that make me weep yet why do I feel as if I could grow stronger somehow on my own? I am so confused.
He deserves more…and less than me. He deserves a sub that can offer her body without needing to give her soul. I think I had dreams wrapped up with Richard….dreams that are gone now. I can’t see past our next ‘scheduled…timed’evening and I hate that. I hate that I still feel like a scheduled appointment. “OK…Richard needs a D/s fix let’s allow him to spend time with pixie from 5-9 Wednesday night.”
And am I way off….I sit here thinking that Richard deserves more. But don’t I?
I don’t like this shelf.
I don’t like feeling sad or even the fact that I am making Liam feel sad. I don’t like the feeling anymore that he knows I share myself with Richard. I don’t like the idea anymore that I am taking this beautiful, successful, loving generous man who is offering me this dream filled future and rejecting him for a 5-10 o’clock appointment with a man who is going to go home to someone who is having her dream filled future realized.
Am I not in fact worth not worthy of more? Why did I have to care..to love? Why do I balance between yes and no? Why can I not see? Why am I looking for a shell to crawl into, why do I want to curl up and cry myself to sleep? Why is it harder for me everyday to know what would hurt me the most….losing Richard as my Owner or to continue losing myself. How long can I allow myself to get lost in the pleasure side of Richard..of my submission and forget the toll it is taking on the rest of me..on my heart?