I am close to being back to good. I am doing my best to focus on the big picture. To not question my feelings so much and to do what has always insured by success in the past. I will from this day forward follow my instincts. I know myself well. I do well with putting stuff away, wiping things from my memory and forgetting to think about them. I think we can survive many traumas that way; it is a gift that I developed when I was young. On the flop side I dwell. I can wallow in a depression of my own making for hours, keep myself up all night thinking and rethinking. It isn’t that I like the drama, I hate it. So I am not sure why I do that. Even Richard has recognized that I can be perfectly fine and a word from him can turn my day around. Liam has noticed that too in regards to Richard. I think that is as much about the nature of our relationship and less a character flaw of mine.
I have two screens right now highlighting the big picture. Pleasure is on screen A and Pain is on screen B. I think a lot about L and what she is going through, I worry over her pain. I know it causes Richard pain. I know it is hard. What it must take for her to share her husband. I allow my own pain to become overshadowed even to myself and I think that is what sparked my last post. If I learned anything from the days leading up to my writing that post it was to not keep it inside. I realized that I was trying to simplify Richard’s life and situation by not being honest with him about where my head was. I wanted him to look at me and be pleased. Pleased with my submission to him and pleased with my ability to meet his expectation that I be strong. So when he asked I was ‘fine’. I was ‘doing well’. And inside I was screaming and walking into walls not knowing if I was in a good place and not knowing if I wanted or even could stay. I recognize that it sounds selfish for me to complain that I am having issues. I am not sharing my husband. I am learning to follow some well intended limits that allow someone else to share theirs. Who am I to complain? As I wrote my last post I realized that not only am I entitled to my feelings but the fact that I have them does not mean that mine are anymore or any less important than Ls. I am Richard’s submissive and if for no other reason than that I need to share with him both my ups and my downs. I believe that he needs that. It is part of what will keep this real for him. The pleasure screen is easier.
Richard and I discussed what it would take for me to be in a better place. I fought the urge to say I didn’t want my submission micro managed by someone with their own agenda. I feel like that a little now. Or at least I did…not so much now. I was really honest with R about what I needed from him to make this work for me and I think there is going to be some minor adjustments made. I asked him to release me. He refused and looking back I support that. When we were talking about it through my tears I fought the voice that wanted to jump out and end it. I felt surges of strength that almost let me say it….that almost let me mean it. I was for brief moments convinced it was time…..that we had walked to the cliff and weren’t allowed to go back. That all of a sudden that ‘one day’ had come. Only at the end of our conversation, at the end of the tears we both said that no..it wasn’t time. I need him right now. Someone on my last post wrote that Richard may need me more than I need him. I hope he does. I know I meet a need in him that no one else ever has or ever could. I also know that I both love and hate that, because I know one day I will walk away from Richard. Richard and I are both fairly certain though I argue this point that I will be the one who ends this. I have a future ahead of me that does not include Richard as my Dom, as my Owner….even as my lover. What he is and what he will always be is that bright spot in my life, that person who could make it all better, the man who shared with me so much strength and wisdom. And I will love him and he will love me and that will not ever go away. So there we were once again at that scary place where we were almost facing the inevitable and it hurt me because I knew he would be lonely for me if I was gone, that I would mourn him. That I would cry. I would miss him and wake up imaging his touch. I also felt sad because I knew that the ache would one day go away. Liam and I may have a future. We may not. And Richard is right my last post lacked any of my reservations regarding Liam. I know that frustrated Richard. Some things are easier discussed in the safety of his arms and that is where I found myself letting go of some other things. He said that he underestimated the importance of his voice. He also underestimates the importance of his touch. When I am with Richard….when he is holding me I can say anything. He lets me cry and doesn’t get angry when I do. Truth is I have many reservations about Liam. I doubt his emotional maturity. I doubt his understanding of me…but most of all he can be cold at times. I can’t do cold. Today Richard came to see me. I wasn’t feeling well and he came by to check on me. I was half asleep when he let himself and I looked up just as he walked through my bedroom door. My wonderful Owner brought me my favorite soup. Not just one kind but both kinds. We ended up sharing both bowls. That is what makes this different. I know Richard gets a lot of slack for ‘scary Richard’. I know some of what we do is edgy. I know it is scary to some people…erotic to others. It also makes some people question my safety. What you don’t see all the time is this Richard. The one I like to keep all to myself….the one who holds me all night…who can say the sweetest most loving things to me. Do you know he told me that I was like something new…something newly found…a bud waiting to open. Imagine that. Richard. My Owner. This man who is beautiful and strong….whose presence makes me want to kneel saying such things, words whispered into naked skin. It was perfect. A perfect series of moments that were full of laughing and play….all the reasons sitting right there between us calmly pointing out why we will always be more than Dom and sub. So we sat on my bed and sipped soup. I was in his shirt and he was all dressed up like a perfectly respectable intelligent attorney…not looking sadistic at all. Naked seems more natural than clothes when I am with him. Pain seems as natural as pleasure….he makes it all flow somehow and I am not….NOT ready to let it go. We finished up and he wanted my head on his lap. I curled into him and he sat on my bed. We just sat there and talked quietly…he stroked my hair and my back. I asked him to lay down with me and hold me. He took off his sweater and joined me under my thick blankets. It was bliss. His hands on me so soft….he is so nurturing and gentle when he isn’t beating me J. He pulled out two small white boxes. One I could open now and one I had to save….I feel shy when he gives me presents. Explain that one Dr. Dom. J Anyway…my Owner gave me a key. A brass…antique style key on a little link. It is SO beautiful. I cried when I opened it. I started to cry and at that moment I couldn’t explain why. A key signals so much and all of what it could signal flooded me. I saw it as the key to walk away….the key to the bonds that I am willingly tied into. I also saw it as the key to my own submission and through him it was all so clear. Maybe I over think a simple gift. It is just a key. I love my present. I can’t think of anything that could be more meaningful. (Of course I haven’t opened the other box. J)I will treasure it always. Funny…I am trying to wrap this up so I can go top bed. I realize there is no theme to this rambling. Just my thoughts….it is so nice sharing them here.