bondage · control · D/s · focus · irrational thoughts · Liam · Life in general · life lessons · pixies pictures · rational thoughts · Richard · scary Richard · sometimes sad

comfort food

butt2.jpg

I am close to being back to good. I am doing my best to focus on the big picture. To not question my feelings so much and to do what has always insured by success in the past. I will from this day forward follow my instincts. I know myself well. I do well with putting stuff away, wiping things from my memory and forgetting to think about them. I think we can survive many traumas that way; it is a gift that I developed when I was young. On the flop side I dwell. I can wallow in a depression of my own making for hours, keep myself up all night thinking and rethinking. It isn’t that I like the drama, I hate it. So I am not sure why I do that. Even Richard has recognized that I can be perfectly fine and a word from him can turn my day around. Liam has noticed that too in regards to Richard. I think that is as much about the nature of our relationship and less a character flaw of mine.

I have two screens right now highlighting the big picture. Pleasure is on screen A and Pain is on screen B. I think a lot about L and what she is going through, I worry over her pain. I know it causes Richard pain. I know it is hard. What it must take for her to share her husband. I allow my own pain to become overshadowed even to myself and I think that is what sparked my last post. If I learned anything from the days leading up to my writing that post it was to not keep it inside. I realized that I was trying to simplify Richard’s life and situation by not being honest with him about where my head was. I wanted him to look at me and be pleased. Pleased with my submission to him and pleased with my ability to meet his expectation that I be strong. So when he asked I was ‘fine’. I was ‘doing well’. And inside I was screaming and walking into walls not knowing if I was in a good place and not knowing if I wanted or even could stay. I recognize that it sounds selfish for me to complain that I am having issues. I am not sharing my husband. I am learning to follow some well intended limits that allow someone else to share theirs. Who am I to complain? As I wrote my last post I realized that not only am I entitled to my feelings but the fact that I have them does not mean that mine are anymore or any less important than Ls. I am Richard’s submissive and if for no other reason than that I need to share with him both my ups and my downs. I believe that he needs that. It is part of what will keep this real for him. The pleasure screen is easier.

Richard and I discussed what it would take for me to be in a better place. I fought the urge to say I didn’t want my submission micro managed by someone with their own agenda. I feel like that a little now. Or at least I did…not so much now. I was really honest with R about what I needed from him to make this work for me and I think there is going to be some minor adjustments made. I asked him to release me. He refused and looking back I support that. When we were talking about it through my tears I fought the voice that wanted to jump out and end it. I felt surges of strength that almost let me say it….that almost let me mean it. I was for brief moments convinced it was time…..that we had walked to the cliff and weren’t allowed to go back. That all of a sudden that ‘one day’ had come. Only at the end of our conversation, at the end of the tears we both said that no..it wasn’t time. I need him right now. Someone on my last post wrote that Richard may need me more than I need him. I hope he does. I know I meet a need in him that no one else ever has or ever could. I also know that I both love and hate that, because I know one day I will walk away from Richard. Richard and I are both fairly certain though I argue this point that I will be the one who ends this. I have a future ahead of me that does not include Richard as my Dom, as my Owner….even as my lover. What he is and what he will always be is that bright spot in my life, that person who could make it all better, the man who shared with me so much strength and wisdom. And I will love him and he will love me and that will not ever go away. So there we were once again at that scary place where we were almost facing the inevitable and it hurt me because I knew he would be lonely for me if I was gone, that I would mourn him. That I would cry. I would miss him and wake up imaging his touch. I also felt sad because I knew that the ache would one day go away. Liam and I may have a future. We may not. And Richard is right my last post lacked any of my reservations regarding Liam. I know that frustrated Richard. Some things are easier discussed in the safety of his arms and that is where I found myself letting go of some other things. He said that he underestimated the importance of his voice. He also underestimates the importance of his touch. When I am with Richard….when he is holding me I can say anything. He lets me cry and doesn’t get angry when I do. Truth is I have many reservations about Liam. I doubt his emotional maturity. I doubt his understanding of me…but most of all he can be cold at times. I can’t do cold. Today Richard came to see me. I wasn’t feeling well and he came by to check on me. I was half asleep when he let himself and I looked up just as he walked through my bedroom door. My wonderful Owner brought me my favorite soup. Not just one kind but both kinds. We ended up sharing both bowls. That is what makes this different. I know Richard gets a lot of slack for ‘scary Richard’. I know some of what we do is edgy. I know it is scary to some people…erotic to others. It also makes some people question my safety. What you don’t see all the time is this Richard. The one I like to keep all to myself….the one who holds me all night…who can say the sweetest most loving things to me. Do you know he told me that I was like something new…something newly found…a bud waiting to open. Imagine that. Richard. My Owner. This man who is beautiful and strong….whose presence makes me want to kneel saying such things, words whispered into naked skin. It was perfect. A perfect series of moments that were full of laughing and play….all the reasons sitting right there between us calmly pointing out why we will always be more than Dom and sub. So we sat on my bed and sipped soup. I was in his shirt and he was all dressed up like a perfectly respectable intelligent attorney…not looking sadistic at all. Naked seems more natural than clothes when I am with him. Pain seems as natural as pleasure….he makes it all flow somehow and I am not….NOT ready to let it go. We finished up and he wanted my head on his lap. I curled into him and he sat on my bed. We just sat there and talked quietly…he stroked my hair and my back. I asked him to lay down with me and hold me. He took off his sweater and joined me under my thick blankets. It was bliss. His hands on me so soft….he is so nurturing and gentle when he isn’t beating me J. He pulled out two small white boxes. One I could open now and one I had to save….I feel shy when he gives me presents. Explain that one Dr. Dom. J Anyway…my Owner gave me a key. A brass…antique style key on a little link. It is SO beautiful. I cried when I opened it. I started to cry and at that moment I couldn’t explain why. A key signals so much and all of what it could signal flooded me. I saw it as the key to walk away….the key to the bonds that I am willingly tied into. I also saw it as the key to my own submission and through him it was all so clear. Maybe I over think a simple gift. It is just a key. I love my present. I can’t think of anything that could be more meaningful. (Of course I haven’t opened the other box. J)I will treasure it always. Funny…I am trying to wrap this up so I can go top bed. I realize there is no theme to this rambling. Just my thoughts….it is so nice sharing them here.

22 thoughts on “comfort food

  1. Nice post Pixie. What a perfect gift. It’s such a roller coaster ride of emotions.

    When Richard first told L, I commented something about him winding up alone, simply because I would have thought his wife may have left and yes, I think you will be the one to move on from Richard. I just wonder if you realize the magnitude of Richard telling his wife about you. I’m sure he’s married over 20 years, he’s only known you since the spring, right? He couldn’t go back to his “normal” life without you in it. Yes, I think he may need you more. I get a little upset to read comments that he is using you and I think Liam tries to convince you that Richard is using you. Liam is jealous for good reason.

    My point is, I hope you stay in that good place and realize when you are alone and missing and doubting Richard, that he has put his marriage on the line for you and how much he has to love and want you. What you must mean to him. You never know what the future holds for you. I think of it like a scale, when the bad outweighs the good, it’s time to move on.

  2. I am so happy you are working through this. I could always see Richards gentle side. It pours through his comments.

  3. This is definitely a roller coaster journey that you are on Pixie and you are taking us along with you.

    I hope that you and Richard do not think badly of us; your readers who reacted in a negative and questioning way to your previous post. We read something that cried out that someone was unhappy, sad and lonely, and reacted to it. This is such a crazy situation that you are both in, so many variables that my head spins thinking about the different sides and different feelings and emotions that are involved for all parties, so I can not imagine what it must feel like for you both.

    I feel embarrassed at the moment regarding what I wrote; it feels like when a friend tells you that they have broken up with their boyfriend, you slag him off and tell her that he was no good, you always knew he was scum etc and then couple of days later they get back together and you feel like a complete and utter knob!

    Although I was not adversely negative, I did question motives and although I stand by what I said I do wish you happiness, whether that means being with Richard or not.

    I suppose what is difficult with reading blogs and especially commenting on them is that you do not know if something that is posted is a “final statement” this is how they feel, I am unhappy and that is it, I have had enough etc or is a snap shot of how they are feeling at that time and that they expect to move on and will feel differently if they see the person and spend some time with them………… I hope that makes sense, I think it kind of does.

    I am glad that you are feeling a lot better, both of you, I guess that all I hope is that you both realise when enough is enough, when it is time to walk away, when the pain outweighs the pleasure….and not in the erotic sense!

  4. Claire, we would never think you a complete and utter knob! LOL Another Brit phrase, I assume? Thanks for making me smile!

    I have bunches of thoughts about these last two posts and the comments, and last night was composing as I fell asleep. If I have time, I’ll write, but (as you can imagine) I’m spread a little thin right now.

  5. pixie,

    Your last post and this one nearly broke my heart. I so want you to be happy and please know that you have my support as you continue to figure out how best to work that out for your life. I do think that Richard has your best interests at heart though – this post shows that he’s always thinking of you.

    The comment from Liam in the earlier post about how you can’t have love without pain…that felt like a punch in the gut to me. I’ve had a “friend” say essentially the same thing to me and I found it very hurtful. Until I considered that person’s ulterior motives and then I was able to move past it. I don’t know Liam and he doesn’t have a voice here, but I’d be wary.

    Best to you all,
    -Kitten

  6. I’ve only been reading your blog for a couple weeks, so I clearly don’t know too much about your relationship. In fact, the first post I read was “more scary Richard.” That was a singularly frightening post to me, because that is the violence of BDSM that always scared me. Even though I could see the caring in certain phrases, I very fully concentrated on the scary Richard part of things…it did make me scared for you, even not knowing you, and a little scared for Richard that he could go to that place.

    So it makes me glad to see this post, to see the caring and the love between the two of you. I don’t have much of an opinion on the situation, I don’t think I know the two of you well enough to give one, but I just felt the need to comment somehow on being able to recognize the differences and that my initial opinion about this being into scary-not-just-BDSM-anymore territory has changed.

    I’m fairly new in my comfortableness with the entire world of D/s and Owners. And I really only wade into the waters with my own lover, but I’m glad I found your blog to be able to see those things that I know I won’t be comfortable with, but everyone needs that limit I think, and it’s relative to each person where the line is. You also express yourselves remarkably well, which I greatly appreciate in reading.

  7. Oh, Rae
    don’t start with scary Richard! That is about the worst place you could start! Go back and get the history. I’d hate for you to become uncomfortable in this world based on a post that is as close to the edge as pixie and I have ever gone, though admittedly we are out toward the edge. It isn’t for everyone, but there is much to be learned here.
    Good luck wading in!
    Richard

  8. “As I wrote my last post I realized that not only am I entitled to my feelings but the fact that I have them does not mean that mine are anymore or any less important than Ls. I am Richard’s submissive and if for no other reason than that I need to share with him both my ups and my downs.”

    YAY!!

    And YAY for Scary Richard too!!

    And YAY for soup and keys and secret-white-box-goodness!!

    =)

  9. yes jenfrog…YAY. 🙂
    especially for secret white boxes…for hot bowls of soup….laps to lay your head on…and for Owners that love you.
    did i mention YAY for secret white boxes?

  10. I like scary Richard better. No offense pixie but all of the scary Richard part is SOOOOOOO arousing. Mike uses scary Richard and he will kill me for saying this. The other night he made me pretend….oh never mind. I guess I don’t really want to get in THAT much trouble. LOL.

  11. I think maybe I should punish A. After all I warned her not to mention just how far I took my ‘inspiration’. Maybe proper revenge would be to tell pixie and Richard how wet you got when I told you scary Richard was going to get you.

  12. One of my favorite lines i say to DL when we speak is “i’m so sorry, here i am rambling again!” i think rambling is like free form therapy, only, in rambling blogging, you end up allowing people portals into your mind that they, too, can relate to. (me- ahem) Sometimes i feel that we have a sort of parallel life, sometimes not, but in all sincerity, rambling aside, what i think this outlet gives to you is the ability to speak no matter what in a concise manner that gives history & purpose to the thoughts in your head. By writing them, they are eased; by sharing them, they are not skeletons in the closet, and by learning to breathe easier, you will have the happiness you so desire. Don’t we all.

    What a nice gift… wonder what part II is!!!

    xoxx
    toy

  13. If everything is out in the open and there are no more secrets why haven’t we heard from L on this blog? Does she know it exists?

  14. Richard – yes, another Brit phrase. It seems that my comments are always peppered with Brit slang….I forget that you guys don’t really use phrases like that!

    But hey, if you ever/next time you visit Britain, you’ll fit right in!

    Pixie – trust me, you are not the only one. I too wallow………..or a Beast calls it, sulking… but what does he know!?!?!

    Oh yes, update: purchased my first cane yesterday!!!!!!!! Big step for us! Thanks for the inspiration!

  15. Not really if I am honest, and neither do I! Obviously Richard gave me a few pointers in a previous comment, but that was aimed at caning between the legs and I am not sure if I am ready for that to be honest…….

    What was your first experience like?

    I am a bit nervous to be honest, for as you know, we are both new to this and still getting to know each other in a D/s sense, as well as exploring it within ourselves and so boundaries have not really been established as yet with regards to pain and what I feel comfortable accepting etc.
    Trust isn’t an issue, I trust him otherwise I would not have purchased it for him, there is just a little niggle of worry, but if anything it makes me want it more…….is that normal?

  16. Claire..how exciting! Yes..my first time with the cane was scary. Exciting and scary. Of course the one who caned me professed to be a pro and to this day I have no reason to doubt that. I think I will write a post as soon as I can about my first caning. I think the fear exciting you is perfectly normal. It does that to me. The idea he could hurt me..really hurt me. The idea that it will hurt and that I will beg and get to the point of not wanting it excites me. Sigh…my advice. Go slowly. The cane can break the skin and you have to watch wrap around. What kind did you get?

  17. Hello Pixie

    My comment isn’t about your blog but rather about your pictures…Darn girlfriend!!…”I’m Jealous!” Pixie you have the nicest rounded bubble butt this one has ever seen !!

  18. It’s interesting how if it’s not Richard it has to be Liam… I am by far not debating that Liam may not be the right guy for you… he seems to not be, but what about “future” guy? I don’t think the struggle needs to be between Liam and Richard… how about Richard and anyone?
    A few weeks ago, your situation came up between sylvanus and myself. He always worries about you, but I know you a bit more on the personal level than he does, though not so much anymore it seems. Anyways, he said, I’m worried that when the day pixie decides to leave, Richard won’t let her. I disagreed with him. I said that Richard loves and respects you. You are his submissive and not his slave. If you wanted to leave, he would let you and not play the “I’m your Dominant and you are my submissive and I order you to stay” card.
    So yes, I’m a little surprised… but I guess Richard has decided you haven’t given this new situation enough of a try?

  19. Mina,
    Of course I will let her go when the time comes. Of course. But I won’t do it willy-nilly. In my view, right now is perhaps the worst possible time, for several reasons. And when she has asked, there has not been certainty in her voice or her actions. So I have refused.

    I still see it as a decision we will make together, and one of us will have to make it stick. But today, we are not thinking of that. Today, we have today, we have been given another day to enjoy. Tomorrow will come when it will, and it will bring us what it brings us.
    R

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s