S/M

grain of salt

I am learning about this blog thing. I am learning from pixie, who tells me I must learn to take comments with a grain of salt. When you put yourself out there, there will be times when you get comments that hurt. Sometimes they hurt for the right reasons – someone sees something that you don’t see and tells you about it, points out the error of your ways. Sometimes they hurt for the wrong reasons, which would be anything I disagree with LOL (I remember a Dilbert cartoon where Dogbert says “Never listen to other people. They are either agreeing with you or saying something stupid.” I have too much Dogbert in me, I know.) Sometimes they hurt because you know that the commenter doesn’t know all the facts, couldn’t possibly know all the facts, and you feel misunderstood.

In these cases, pixie is helping me to understand that I do not need to defend my position. I do not need to run out and tell everyone all the facts and try to persuade them that with these new facts they should agree with me. I don’t need to argue about it. I know I have pissed some people off here and for that I am sorry. I am trying to learn to be better. That is the value of the comments posted here – sometimes I have learned to be a better Dom, sometimes I have learned another way to view an event that I may have missed, sometimes I just learn to be a better person.

The last two posts have inspired a lot of comments, and without totally losing sight of what I just wrote 🙂 I want to make a couple of points. I’ll try to be the kinder, gentler Richard in this.

First, to Claire’s recent comment about snapshots – I am with pixie on that. Every post is a snapshot. Some are taken at the top of the emotional cycle; some at the bottom; some moving from one to the other in either direction. But always a snapshot.

A related interesting thing is that sometimes by the time her post is up, and frequently before I have commented, pixie and I have a had a number of conversations about it, and my comments start to reflect those conversations. I have often said “this is a snapshot.” Occasionally I am hinting that it is going down hill, although it would be impossible for me to say “I know pixie sounds great in this post, but pay no attention because since then she has crashed and burned.” It is more likely that I will be hinting that things are turning brighter in her mind. I may misunderstand or misinterpret her words; I am certainly not above doing so; I may have done so on many occasions. But often I am bringing new facts to the conversation, facts not apparent to anyone who has only the posts to go by.

We are three people, in an emotionally difficult spot, and all of us have a lot of volatility in our emotions these days. It is to be expected. I tell them both that it is OK to have down days, it is OK to feel bad, there is nothing wrong with it or unusual about it, and it happens to me as well. My recent email to pixie which appeared in a post of hers said something like I can’t be as strong for you today as I have usually been, because I am just “down” right now. It happens. I want pixie to write about it when it happens to her, without feeling guilty about it, but without telling us what a “horrible” sub she is for feeling that way. I tell you that again, pixie – publicly – I need you to write about it and you don’t need to feel bad about it. And for you doubters, I do not censor this blog – would I have allowed that last post (“the downs”) if I did? It is pixie’s blog and it will be hers when I am long gone.

Which brings me to the hardest part, the hardest thing pixie and I face. And the real point of the last couple of posts and the comments. We started this as a summer thing, when I would provide some discipline to pixie and M would remain in the picture. Well it didn’t work out that way, and I became her Dom almost overnight. And under the circumstances, I took that role seriously. We spent a lot of time talking about how we would find her the perfect Dom, the long-term Dom. Then….. we became “way too close.” You can read the angst, all throughout this blog over that time. The end was always just around the corner. I just told pixie in the last week that I feel like I am going around the corner, and there, just ahead, I see “the end” disappearing ahead of me around the next corner. I can see it, always just ahead. It is difficult. It has always been difficult. And my disclosures to L, while making some of it easier, have made other parts harder.

And each time we get to the brink, we pull back. We decide, and I mean WE decide, that we don’t want the end. I am not Svengali here. We talk, we think about it, we argue with ourselves and with each other, and we conclude – the pleasure outweighs the pain, today at least, and who knows what tomorrow may bring? Maybe fate will intervene and no decision will need to be made. Maybe the gods will make the decision for us. Maybe tomorrow there will be a better reason to end it. Maybe then it will make sense. Maybe later the pain will outweigh the pleasure and we will know it is time. Maybe…..

And while this is the hardest thing for me and pixie, it is also the hardest for me as her Owner, and someone responsible for her best interest. I know I will have to let her go. I know that she has a future that does not include me. Whether it comes tomorrow or ten years from now, it is coming. I have always seen that. She has recently seen that. And it hurts to know it is true. That is what tragedy is all about, isn’t it?

I know there are days when pixie writes that she needs to end it; and know that there are days when I know that I need to end it in her best interest. And then we meet, and then we talk, and then we touch, …. and then she says I am not ready, and I am committed to making this work, for however long we have. And then I know that it isn’t quite time yet.

There will come a day when I am no longer part of this story, or a small part – an occasional reader. There are those who will be overjoyed, I know. There are those that feel I am bad for pixie. To those people I say: you know so little of pixie, that when you contact her after I am gone to tell her how glad you are to see me gone, you will hurt her, you will insult her, as you do whenever you question why she remains committed to me. You insult her intelligence, and strength and self-awareness and needs. Your pleasure at my departure will be just another wound to her. You cannot be there to see what we have, and if you were you would not understand it. So, when I am gone, please don’t gloat. For me, I don’t give a shit. But for her, at least understand her well enough to know it will hurt. Just try, OK? You know who you are. And I know that the rest of you will be there to help, and comfort her, without denigrating the relationship that she has and cherishes today. I have said it before – I count on you to do that, I expect it of you. Help her through the pain without judging how she got there, for that is all behind us and we did the best we could.

I know that I am lucky to have what I have. For all the work, I am lucky. For all the pain, and the pain to come, I am lucky to have this. The pleasure, emotional as well as physical, the joy, outweighs the pain. For me, that is easy. I understand that for each of them it is not as easy – they each want all of me, and there is only one of me to go around. Yes I could leave L; yes I could release pixie. Yes, there are those who think I should do one or the other. Yes I understand I could end up alone. Yes… and yes… and yes… all those points of view are valid. And yes, I reject them for reasons far too complex to pour onto this page. And there is never a day that I don’t worry about pixie and her needs, those needs for her future, and those needs in her present. You all worry about her – can you imagine how much more I worry about her? How much more I hurt when she is hurting? How difficult it is for me to know that no matter what course of action I might take, keeping her or ending it, there is hurt waiting for her that I cannot avoid? I struggle to resolve the dilemma that my presence in her life might cause her to miss out on Mr. Right, yet knowing that until she gets closer to finding him she is not ready to have me release her. Not looking for sympathy – I know my own choices have led me here. I just hope that you can believe that I worry about this more than all of you combined. And I still consider myself a lucky man.

None of this was meant to offend anyone, and I apologize if I have missed the target yet again. OK, that one paragraph was kind of nasty, but I meant it to be educational, not defensive. I am still trying to learn from pixie to take it with a grain of salt, and I have a ways to go yet. But I’m trying. And I do welcome your comments, as long as you know I’ll be doing my best to take them with a grain of salt.

9 thoughts on “grain of salt

  1. Richard and Pixie

    I have been reading here for a while now, but this posting has drawn me to comment. There is so much written here that I can imagine M saying. How he worries about me, about us. How we both know, however much we want it to be different, that there will come a day when we won’t be in each others lives. We believe, at the moment, that day is a long way off, but there are times its been so close too.

    Others can watch from the sidelines, and feel they know enough to offer their views and sometimes judgements on a relationship, but what we read, or even see with our eyes if we know people for real, is only part of the picture. So much is held in the sub-plot of our hearts and minds, often things no-one else but each other gets to see, and those things too make up the full story.

    Being misunderstood is difficult……its one of the reasons I gave up public blogging. Like you say, its gets to a point with some things where the pain outweighs the pleasure.

    There are days when I wonder at the wisdom of your honesty with L, and other days when I believe for you to all live an authentic life there was no choice. Most importantly, it was your choice, and should be respected as such by others. Those who mean kindly will try to support you both, and even unknowingly, L, by the comments they leave here. Others when they leave comments which effectively say ‘this wouldn’t do for me’ should remember this isn’t.

    I leave you both for now wishing you all the luck and every good wish that your future contains far more pleasure than pain… whether from each other or from your readers.

    x

  2. Richard – I do not think that there is anything wrong with this post; you should feel more relaxed and confident about your writing, you do a good job! (don’t take that one with a grain of salt, I mean it as a compliment!)

    I guess that sometimes commenter’s like to think that they know what is best, myself included sometimes, that we obviously know what is better for you both than you do, but like you said, we know nothing of true feelings involved, situations, emotions etc; we know snapshots, point in time expression, and so basically when we offer advice, sometimes we are talking out of our arses! And perhaps we do not even know that we are until we read a comment from you both that paints an up to date picture and then we wish we had the power to delete a comment and start again! I guess as readers we are always playing catch up!

    Thanks for the name drop by the way – I am famous, I can already feel myself changing and being overcome by the urge to make diva-like demands! : – )

    Pixie – The cane I purchased is about 26″ long, thin and quite light. I am not sure what wood it is, but it is quite light. I got it out of Ann Summers, not sure if you guys have that over there, it is a main stream adult/women friendly store. Like I said, we are starting off lightly, and frankly some of the adult stores in London kinda scare me! A little at a time I think……

    Yes please do, I would love to read that. It would be good to hear about Richard’s first experience if he has the time as well, a D/s perspective; cool.

    I hope that today’s snapshot is a good one for you both…….and Happy Valentines Day!

  3. That you both share things so personal is amazing to me and I am honored by it. That you are able to do this with such honesty is what keeps me reading. I do not pretend to know you and I do not judge.
    What I conclude from your words is that you have found something that needs to be, it is like no other experience. There is a balance of pain and joy in everything – welcome the pain as a reminder of the joys shared.

  4. sometimes i feel like a voyour reading these posts. as if they aren’t meant for the world. like the commentor above i am honored that you share all of what you hold so dear to your heart. it is clear pixie and Richard have found a gift in each other that continually needs to be opened. i read you everyday and am finding this as a point of inspiration as i look for strength in my own relationship. thank you both.

  5. Richard,
    Do you really think it is possible for you to turn her over to another? Even if you found him for her? How could you go a night knowing she was with another knowing you put her there. What a terrifying and painful prospect for you both.
    Thank you for being so clear on how you feel and what this blog means to you Richard. Have you ever considered writing your own blog?

  6. What I find the most fasciniating is when two people ‘collide’. Do not lose track of how rare it is to find the person who can take what you need taken or give what you need given. It is what needs to be held on to at all costs. Some needs are more complex than others. Some needs are easier filled. This need, in its complete form is difficult if not impossible to find a ‘someone’ who can meet it. Good luck to you both.

  7. Richard,
    Has pixie said she wants all of you? I have not read that here and if so I wonder how that complicates the choices you must make regarding keeping or releasing her. But alas, is that not the point of this post? To remind us we only see a snapshot?

  8. Dear Richard and pixie~
    I have been avidly reading here for some time now, but have never commented. I do so now to let you know how very much I can empathize with you both. I too was a submissive to a married man and bore the same struggles, ups and downs, joys and sorrows as you both have now had to endure. There are days when I sit here wishing I could reach for the phone to call you and say I’ve been there and understand.

    Everyone here, because of the beauty of pixie’s writing feels that they know her, and you also Richard. It’s a funny thing that happens in blogland. Why do we feel we somehow have the right to someone else’s life? Who knows, but such is the beauty and downfall of sharing a journal and then taking comments.

    What I can tell you is simply this. You both agonize about wondering if “now” is the time, or Richard as you shared with us about turning the corner? When that moment has finally arrived, you will know it. There will be a place deep inside that can no longer deny what needs to be done.

    I loved my Master dearly, and he loved me. As time passed, just like it is with you two, we both were caught up in these same questions. Is it time? When will I know it is the right time to finally step away?? My gosh, I use to cry myself asleep wrestling with that question.

    You will know. And then, yes Richard, we will be here. For Your sweet pixie, and You.

    Forgive the length of this post and if it rambles. I have not pixie’s talent for writing, but felt moved to try.

    Peace~

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