I am learning about this blog thing. I am learning from pixie, who tells me I must learn to take comments with a grain of salt. When you put yourself out there, there will be times when you get comments that hurt. Sometimes they hurt for the right reasons – someone sees something that you don’t see and tells you about it, points out the error of your ways. Sometimes they hurt for the wrong reasons, which would be anything I disagree with LOL (I remember a Dilbert cartoon where Dogbert says “Never listen to other people. They are either agreeing with you or saying something stupid.” I have too much Dogbert in me, I know.) Sometimes they hurt because you know that the commenter doesn’t know all the facts, couldn’t possibly know all the facts, and you feel misunderstood.
In these cases, pixie is helping me to understand that I do not need to defend my position. I do not need to run out and tell everyone all the facts and try to persuade them that with these new facts they should agree with me. I don’t need to argue about it. I know I have pissed some people off here and for that I am sorry. I am trying to learn to be better. That is the value of the comments posted here – sometimes I have learned to be a better Dom, sometimes I have learned another way to view an event that I may have missed, sometimes I just learn to be a better person.
The last two posts have inspired a lot of comments, and without totally losing sight of what I just wrote 🙂 I want to make a couple of points. I’ll try to be the kinder, gentler Richard in this.
First, to Claire’s recent comment about snapshots – I am with pixie on that. Every post is a snapshot. Some are taken at the top of the emotional cycle; some at the bottom; some moving from one to the other in either direction. But always a snapshot.
A related interesting thing is that sometimes by the time her post is up, and frequently before I have commented, pixie and I have a had a number of conversations about it, and my comments start to reflect those conversations. I have often said “this is a snapshot.” Occasionally I am hinting that it is going down hill, although it would be impossible for me to say “I know pixie sounds great in this post, but pay no attention because since then she has crashed and burned.” It is more likely that I will be hinting that things are turning brighter in her mind. I may misunderstand or misinterpret her words; I am certainly not above doing so; I may have done so on many occasions. But often I am bringing new facts to the conversation, facts not apparent to anyone who has only the posts to go by.
We are three people, in an emotionally difficult spot, and all of us have a lot of volatility in our emotions these days. It is to be expected. I tell them both that it is OK to have down days, it is OK to feel bad, there is nothing wrong with it or unusual about it, and it happens to me as well. My recent email to pixie which appeared in a post of hers said something like I can’t be as strong for you today as I have usually been, because I am just “down” right now. It happens. I want pixie to write about it when it happens to her, without feeling guilty about it, but without telling us what a “horrible” sub she is for feeling that way. I tell you that again, pixie – publicly – I need you to write about it and you don’t need to feel bad about it. And for you doubters, I do not censor this blog – would I have allowed that last post (“the downs”) if I did? It is pixie’s blog and it will be hers when I am long gone.
Which brings me to the hardest part, the hardest thing pixie and I face. And the real point of the last couple of posts and the comments. We started this as a summer thing, when I would provide some discipline to pixie and M would remain in the picture. Well it didn’t work out that way, and I became her Dom almost overnight. And under the circumstances, I took that role seriously. We spent a lot of time talking about how we would find her the perfect Dom, the long-term Dom. Then….. we became “way too close.” You can read the angst, all throughout this blog over that time. The end was always just around the corner. I just told pixie in the last week that I feel like I am going around the corner, and there, just ahead, I see “the end” disappearing ahead of me around the next corner. I can see it, always just ahead. It is difficult. It has always been difficult. And my disclosures to L, while making some of it easier, have made other parts harder.
And each time we get to the brink, we pull back. We decide, and I mean WE decide, that we don’t want the end. I am not Svengali here. We talk, we think about it, we argue with ourselves and with each other, and we conclude – the pleasure outweighs the pain, today at least, and who knows what tomorrow may bring? Maybe fate will intervene and no decision will need to be made. Maybe the gods will make the decision for us. Maybe tomorrow there will be a better reason to end it. Maybe then it will make sense. Maybe later the pain will outweigh the pleasure and we will know it is time. Maybe…..
And while this is the hardest thing for me and pixie, it is also the hardest for me as her Owner, and someone responsible for her best interest. I know I will have to let her go. I know that she has a future that does not include me. Whether it comes tomorrow or ten years from now, it is coming. I have always seen that. She has recently seen that. And it hurts to know it is true. That is what tragedy is all about, isn’t it?
I know there are days when pixie writes that she needs to end it; and know that there are days when I know that I need to end it in her best interest. And then we meet, and then we talk, and then we touch, …. and then she says I am not ready, and I am committed to making this work, for however long we have. And then I know that it isn’t quite time yet.
There will come a day when I am no longer part of this story, or a small part – an occasional reader. There are those who will be overjoyed, I know. There are those that feel I am bad for pixie. To those people I say: you know so little of pixie, that when you contact her after I am gone to tell her how glad you are to see me gone, you will hurt her, you will insult her, as you do whenever you question why she remains committed to me. You insult her intelligence, and strength and self-awareness and needs. Your pleasure at my departure will be just another wound to her. You cannot be there to see what we have, and if you were you would not understand it. So, when I am gone, please don’t gloat. For me, I don’t give a shit. But for her, at least understand her well enough to know it will hurt. Just try, OK? You know who you are. And I know that the rest of you will be there to help, and comfort her, without denigrating the relationship that she has and cherishes today. I have said it before – I count on you to do that, I expect it of you. Help her through the pain without judging how she got there, for that is all behind us and we did the best we could.
I know that I am lucky to have what I have. For all the work, I am lucky. For all the pain, and the pain to come, I am lucky to have this. The pleasure, emotional as well as physical, the joy, outweighs the pain. For me, that is easy. I understand that for each of them it is not as easy – they each want all of me, and there is only one of me to go around. Yes I could leave L; yes I could release pixie. Yes, there are those who think I should do one or the other. Yes I understand I could end up alone. Yes… and yes… and yes… all those points of view are valid. And yes, I reject them for reasons far too complex to pour onto this page. And there is never a day that I don’t worry about pixie and her needs, those needs for her future, and those needs in her present. You all worry about her – can you imagine how much more I worry about her? How much more I hurt when she is hurting? How difficult it is for me to know that no matter what course of action I might take, keeping her or ending it, there is hurt waiting for her that I cannot avoid? I struggle to resolve the dilemma that my presence in her life might cause her to miss out on Mr. Right, yet knowing that until she gets closer to finding him she is not ready to have me release her. Not looking for sympathy – I know my own choices have led me here. I just hope that you can believe that I worry about this more than all of you combined. And I still consider myself a lucky man.
None of this was meant to offend anyone, and I apologize if I have missed the target yet again. OK, that one paragraph was kind of nasty, but I meant it to be educational, not defensive. I am still trying to learn from pixie to take it with a grain of salt, and I have a ways to go yet. But I’m trying. And I do welcome your comments, as long as you know I’ll be doing my best to take them with a grain of salt.