S/M

time?

One part of this extraordinary adventure that I find myself on is a piece that I find almost impossible to live with. It’s new.  Yes, Guilt. There has always been a part of me that has tried very hard to place myself in L’s shoes. To imagine what it would be like to be her…to know that her husband needs another woman in his life to feel whole, to be complete. On top of that there is the little addition that he is a sadist, a practicing Dominant and has a submissive entirely devoted to his happiness. Richard has told me many times…over and over again that her pain is his burden. It is on him. It is his responsibility and nothing I need to feel guilty about. He has pointed out that she always has the option of stepping away from the relationship; he is forcing nothing on her. He has pointed out and she has admitted as much to me that she is benefiting from his relationship with me.

As much as I try Richard’s words have not been able to absolve me of my guilt. I guess I don’t want it to. I don’t want to hide behind my submission and say that I am not as much to blame for her pain as he his. I am. L emailed me and it might change everything. Her email was drafted in the form of a letter…a letter written from a wife to a submissive.  She talked about the hours where she had to keep busy to not let her mind wander to what he was doing with me. She told me about the nights where she would lay beside him and in his sleep he would say my name and play with me in his dreams. She explained with words laced with pain and anger that we were asking the impossible of her yet she was doing it. She acknowledged that she is unable and unwilling to give him what he needs to be whole. She acknowledged that I could. She told me that if I lived to be an old woman I would never know the pain she felt at knowing that although he comes home to her he still seeks me out in his sleep. She asked me if that flattered me. No….it doesn’t flatter me. Maybe it would if I needed reassurance of Richard’s love and need of me but I do not. It hurts me for her, it hurts me for Richard. It hurts for multiple reasons. One is that I do not need to live to be an old woman to know that pain. I can imagine it and would not wish it on anyone. Least of all not on the woman that I see as an extension of him.

She wrote…

 He (Richard) tells me not to be afraid. Of whom? Him? Certainly not. Of his dreams? Not really; they are dreams only. Of you? Of the power you have over his mind? Yes. That power disarms me. It alarms me. And the wife wakes up to wonder by herself.” 

I know that we are treading lightly across a great mass of emotions and raw feelings. I know that mine erupt without provocation. I know hers do to. I know that I hold a lot inside. I know that I write a lot…I share a lot here and that makes me feel better  I fight the urge to say out loud to her…to Richard…to myself that she does have a choice. She agreed to this. She said she could make it work and knew that it would hurt. Of course it would hurt. Only I don’t. I can’t. I won’t put this off on her. In her shoes….what wouldn’t I do…what wouldn’t I say to maintain the security of marriage with the only man she has ever loved. Who would risk losing her husband at this point in her life?  Why would she do anything other than everything he asked to make what they share better, more honest and more fulfilling? Richard told me that for the first time in his life he was being completely honest with his wife about who he is and what he is doing. I can’t imagine the load that fell from his shoulders. I am happy for that. I am happy that this exploration into what has always been missing between them has allowed her  let go of some past anger that she had held against him for so long….anger that strained their relationship. That is gone now and I rejoice for them even as I struggle with the reality that my presence in her life comes bearing both pleasure and pain.

 

The pain must come out and although Richard told her not to she sent me this email and her words….well, I can’t ignore them. I can’t ignore her pain. She wrote…

 …. I work to fill my head with busy thoughts outside of you and him together.  When do you climax? How does he make you feel at that moment and one step further, what in his burning mind is he feeling at that very moment he tenses into his own come? This is what the wife thinks. This is what the wife imagines. This is what the wife fears.” 

 Richard warned me it was coming. As I drove home from an out of town trip he called me and said I had an email waiting for me. He was tempted to tell me to not read it. He said that as soon as she sent it she was sorry…she regretted knowing he may be angry at her. I wasn’t expecting to feel emptied out. I wasn’t expecting to feel her sorrow. What it did for me was break something up inside of me. All the little pieces of my conscience that I had neglected and let fall away…that I let listen to Richard’s reassurance that her pain was on him all came back together and swallowed me whole. I read her email and was full of her pain. All I wanted to do as to end it with Richard. To give her Richard back….to allow her to feel normal again.

 

I wrote them a letter. I asked Richard to release me. I asked L to forgive me. I told them there came a time when all the pleasure in the world couldn’t make up for this type of pain. I told L her words were like gravity to me….pulling me down from the cloud that Richard and I created to cushion our own needs.

I wrote to them….

 Richard, what I have given you over the past 10 months has been too beautiful to allow guilt and sadness to cloud it. I will remember it and you always with love and as a time that I found tremendous growth and acceptance in and for myself. I am sorry for all of the pain I caused L. So sorry for being the one who did that. Please know I can’t do it anymore and why. Please forgive me for my weakness as I ask this of you in this way and not face to face where I would fail.
Please respect my choice and allow me to walk away and allow this to end without anger…like we always promised each other. No anger.
L….I hope you can forgive me. I know I will never know when and even if your forgiveness will come but I will hope for it anyway.”
 

So as it stands it is over. I have asked to be released. Richard is refusing my request. L is asking that I reconsider. She doesn’t want this to end. As Richard said…the devil you know. And perhaps that is right. But I am not sure if I want to be the ‘devil’. She told him that his smile is gone. I know the feeling…my smile is gone too. I love my Owner. I love what we have. It breaks my heart to let in end a moment sooner than it has to. Maybe this is the moment. But what means more than all that? Looking in the mirror? Sleeping at night? I told him that there is no way past feeling her pain every time he touches me…that it could never be the same now.

 

There is a lot of sadness to go around right now. I am ignoring their calls…unable to allow myself to be swayed. His face…his voice…his touch all will sway me. I am confused. I don’t know what to do. Moments like this I look to him and only now I can’t.

29 thoughts on “time?

  1. I know how much he means to you. I understand the pain you are in. I wish you never had to go through it. Only time can help you heal. I know how difficult this must be. You are a strong woman and I don’t think you have made the wrong choice. I am sorry that you could not find a life time of happiness with Richard. I really am. I hope you find your happiness sooner than later. We are here if you need to talk.

  2. Oh my…. you really, really touched a part of me that I cloud. My Master is also married and “she” also knows of me.

    I do not think there is anything that can be said to make you feel better, nothing, just know that you opened a piece within me that I too need to reflect upon.

    I feel your sadness pixie, and there is now a budding realisation within me that perhaps I should be more aware of the pain I am causing another.

    I offer you strength from millions and millions of miles away and of course a “hug”.

    rosie
    xxxx

  3. pixie, there is a beautiful maturity and sensitivity reflected here, amidst all the pain. and you have more strength than you maay realize.

    be proud of yourself through your tears.

    my one caution would be to not, in your sadness and confusion, run to Liam as a refuge. sometimes the best thing is to get back in touch with yourself, so that the next time you give yourself in true submissi0n you will have that much more to give.

  4. This is a very compassionate response to the letter from L.

    I would not like to suggest that you go against your convictions on this.

    I do suggest that you decision is being driven by only a small part of the picture.

    First, polyamory is by its very nature a tempering of the heart. It forces us to face our insecurities. It forces us to face our feelings of jealousy and loneliness and the knowledge that we are not all to those we love….just essential, unique and blessed.

    What L is going through would be happening whether you are in the picture or not. Richard is who he is. He will continue to seek nourishment for his need to dominate and give pain. Nor will he be able to ever settle for a facile relationship again. He’s had it with someone he loves now. Nothing less will ever suit.

    So whether you are there or not, L will have to face this. The fact that you show compassion for her and that you love Richard is a gift to them both….it is healing. You can become a sister friend to her. It does not mean you’ll be close…but a comradery in making Richard happy can grow between you.

    L will be a stronger wife and person because of her task in undertaking polyamory.

    One of the things that is hardest about being a catalyst for change in someone else’s life is to accept that growth often involves pain. Giving pain is a very difficult thing for a submissive…but it is the role you hold.

    I suggest that instead of running away, you sit with it….and perhaps decide to give pain well….with love and compassion and with blessing.

    My two cents.

  5. pixie,
    i have been a reader for quite a while now and i am sorry you are in so much pain. i am a Owned submissive who’s husband is aware of my needs, and my Master has another as well. It can be both a very hard yet very rewarding relationship. i am sending you lots of warm hugs and thoughts my dear. Above all be true to yourself and be easy on yourself. It will all work out the way it is meant to. i also agree it took great strength to do what you did. Love, in any dynamic, is not easy.

    pet

  6. No matter how sweet it is, no matter the pleasure it brings into your life; when something starts to make you feel bad inside and dislike the kind of person you are; one has to wonder if that goodness really is good for you?

    Why would Richard reject your request? And L ask you to reconsider? She must’ve know what this letter would do. And if he knows how much you are hurting at the moment, does he want to put his own feelings before yours and allow you to continue to feel rubbish about you are just so he feels good and “whole”? I may still be a learner, but I did not think that was what submission was about…?

    Pixie, whatever happens, your readers will always be here for you.

    The words in this post are ominous……I wonder if this is a snapshot, or indeed the final curtain?

  7. Pixie, I think you’ve done the right thing.

    I can’t agree that L will be a stronger woman for this. As far as I have read, L has only discovered this side of Richard relatively recently. I admire her for how she has handled it this far. I admire you for the dedication you have shown.

    I have had some sympathy for Richard, but I don’t like the way he is behaving over your request to be released. His determination to have what he wants is overriding common sense.

    It is *not* all about what he wants. He married this woman, after all – he has been dishonest with her, and is forcing her to accept a situation most of us would find untenable. I think it fair enough she emailed you. It is not fair for Richard to filter all communication between you – thus making sure he can continue with the status quo.

    I really do think you will not regret asking to be released, and I wish you peace.

  8. I agree with greenwoman pixie. Richard’s need is fulfilled by you. YOU! Of course his wofe does not want it to end, of course that scares her. What happens to her now that you are gone. Perhaps the next ‘sub’ will be closer to his age. Maybe she won’t have a Liam as a buffer. Maybe she will make demands, maybe this time the love he feels for his sub will result in her ending up without him.

    I hope this is indeed a snapshot. I feel your pain, I sympathize with her. I think Richard needs you and you need him. Will he not resent L for her letter being what took you away from him? Good luck pixiepie.

  9. You say he has not agreed to release you. Have you not trusted his judgement up until now. Remember he is seeing all sides of this and it may be easier for him to see L’s letter to you as something more like a ‘snapshot’ and less like a cry for help.
    I am also shocked that he would allow L to put that at your feet. Hurting someone is especially difficult for a submissive and isn’t one of his roles to protect you from pain?

    I second the caution regarding Liam. Go slow here. Remember all the great one has taught you grasshopper. LOL! 🙂 Smile pretty pixie, all will be OK. (that last part was from ~A)

  10. Maybe you are being to rash. L had a world of information given to her at one time. She needs much more time to process it. She apparently truly loves Richard which means she will want him to be happy. He can’t be totally happy with himself or his life without you. She will come to understand this and will also benefit from a complete Richard.

    Give them both more time, Pixie. I’m saying this as an older woman who was married a very long time. Had my X told me something like this, it would have taken me months to work through it but in the end, I would have seen the whole picture, appreciated his opening his heart and soul to me and then wanted his happiness as much as my own.

  11. I agree with what most of your readers here have said. That I think you have made the right choice. A hard choice, and perhaps the most brave and healthy choice.

    I was especially touched by what you said about understanding that L would of course agree to anything to keep the love of the man she has loved for a lifetime. Just becuase she is willing to try everything to keep him- doesn’t mean it’s right to make her. And I was impressed by your maturity in understanding that.

    I think at this juncture your ability to see the truth of things may be greater than Richards. Perhaps your ability to be compassionate as well. He seems caught up in what he wants as opposed to what his wife needs. What you need.

    Perhaps its time for all parties involved, to find their happiness from places that don’t come with equal parts guilt- and the knowledge that their happiness comes at the expense of another.

    I dont mean this in a condescending way- but I feel very proud of you. And I know that happiness and love is in the future of a woman who can be this wise.

  12. I’m so sorry that your hurting pixie and feeling L’s pain! I must agree with Claire and belladonnax for the most part…
    But I do have a guestion.. Perhaps you can view L’s letter to you as snap shot of how she was feeling that moment,her needing to get it out of her system, much like what you do here on your blog?

    As far as Richard not smiling I can’t say I feel sorry for him. I doubt L has smiled sinced the day he dumped all this on her..I think she has handle this with alot more grace then anyone has given her credit..She could have gone to his family, children, his work place told them all about the two of you..she could have let pain take over her actions instead she has let her LOVE of Richard rule and tried the best she can to make him happy….by accepting you into her marriage with the choice if she didn’t there would be no marriage..Yet she swallow her pride to keep her husband..that’s alot to ask of anyone, so perhaps you can find it in your heart to understand “Her” snap shot of the moment..

    I truly hope all of you can find some kind of happiness.

  13. Oh sweetheart,

    I go away for a few days and when I come back…I find that everything has fallen apart. I am so sorry that you are standing alone with your decision right now. Please know that we all support you in whatever you choose to do going forward.

    Hugs,
    Kitten

  14. This is but a bump in the road. I feel as if you are taking a piece of her feelings and turning it into something more like a final outcome. Richard does not want to lose you. I know that on the surface L wants you as far away from Richard as possible yet she knows you bring a great light into his life. It makes what he has with her work because it completes him. Do not forget what she gets out of this three way relationship is a powerful motivator for allowing Richard the luxury of having you in his life.
    Don’t close the lid yet pixie. Things often look different after a closer inspection of all the facts. Talk to L. Find out what provoked the letter and see why Richard allowed it to happen. Or did he in fact not know of it. You said he warned you but I suppose that could mean he knew it was sent only after it was done.

    I am hurting for you and so proud of this mature response you have shown. Good luck and I will not worry too much as these things seem to turn hot and cold. Emotions are like that sometimes.

  15. i have been a reader here for sometime, but have never commented…but feel so compelled to do so.

    i have this concern because i don’t know how you are to be expected to be the dumping ground for L everytime she feels that she needs to ‘share her feelings’. i am not passing judgement, but i don’t think Richard should have ever allowed that letter to be sent. A person can only take SO much. You have your own feelings to deal with…the thought, that everytime she has a ‘moment’ that she feels that she needs to share with you, and then regrets doing so after ‘sharing’ is not your burden to take on….that, she should do with Richard.

    i know that it is not as cut and dry as that. i know that it is much more complicated than this. i just can’t imagine having to struggle with my own feelings regarding this situation, and then being blasted with how she feels about it.

    i am confused why she would ask you to reconsider your request to be released. She doesn’t want you with him, but she doesn’t want you not with him. i thought Richard was the only one allowed to play mind games with you.

    i, too, caution you in regards to Liam. Perhaps, it is time to just step back, and reflect on yourself for a little bit.

    i think there needs to be some closure on this…one way or the other, so the feeling of ‘limbo’ can end for all.

    Please understand, this is just my opinion…it may be worth nothing, but i really feel bad for you in all of this, and just feel like a dom is supposed to protect his submissive. It was never mentioned as to whether or not Richard has instructed L to no longer email you or not, but i just would hate for you to have to live worrying about every warning Richard gives you on an email that shoudn’t have been sent.

    Sorry for going on.

  16. I, too, feel your pain, Pixie.

    My former master chose his wife over me. He wanted to make it work with all of us. She even tried. But in the end, he chose the marriage.

    The pain was immense. It destroyed a part of me. But as I read what you are going through, I think was easier for me in the long run. I ache for you, Dear Pixie.

    The golden lining? I am now in a relationship with a Dom who is truly worth that title, a man who loves me and is able to give me the love and domming I need. (In fact I think you know him…)

    We are still getting to know each other and learning…but it is the best thing that could happen. My former dom would never have been able to give me what I needed.

    I am sending you hugs and love. Do what YOU have to do to find peace. In the end, that is all that matters.

    Much love,
    ~J~

  17. oh my, im nearly in tears for you all…Though i honestly feel he’s at fault, he knew he was hurting his wife, and she loved him too much to ask him to stop. And to here that his wife is now backtracking actully hurts, because shes just scared to lose him and thats his bloodly fault.
    I think you’ve done the right the thing.

  18. Pixie,I really feel for you and the situation you are in,but in your shoes I think I would also have to end it knowing that I was bringing about so much pain to another.
    Hope things become clearer in time. I have to admit that I really feel for L ,and it must be so hard for her to share the man she loves,and also for you too.

  19. Dearest Pixie,
    Only you can decide what is truly best for you. I believe that those of us who are your readers serve you best by our continued offers of support for your well being.

    As to which side to fall on in this matter, that IS a very difficult call. There are 3 sides to this situation. Over the months that I have been reading your blog, you have wondered more then one time if ‘this’ was the ‘time’. Each time you have come close.. and yet, each time you have pulled back. There have been many reasons for this and, as you know better then any of us.. this will continue to be the case until the final ‘time’, be that now, or some latter time.

    There was a good point made by January about moving forward with a Dom to whom you will be the sole focus. I would see Richard as a bridge to that new place. You both have spoken of that as well. Each ‘time’ will be painful.. be it now..or later.

    Be strong… be brave… be true to yourself most of all little pixie. Do not let other’s sway you from what you feel is the most right choice for your heart… soul and well being.

    With deepest compassion,
    Mystress

  20. I read your post this afternoon and couldn’t find the words to comment. I think I find the tone of your post the most telling. Very rational, possibly detached, matter-of-fact. Unsual for us emotional women. I know I only sound like that when I just can’t take it anymore.

    I could be way off on this, it’s just a thought – Somewhere in there I sense anger most of all, way more than guilt or wanting to do “the right thing”. Understandable of course. Anger at both Richard and L. For many reasons maybe, but maybe simply because your relationship with Richard can’t be what it was. I don’t imagine this to be the end by any means.

    Best wishes as always.

  21. Pixie,

    First, thanks for sharing your stories with us. This is my first comment to you, so I apologize for jumping in with both feet on such a difficult topic.

    As part of a poly relationship with a relatively vanilla primary girlfriend and a sub, I’m perhaps in a situation similar to Richard’s with you. However, my partners and I have been together for more than a decade. That has not always been easy and there are frequently tensions. Dealing with the tensions in a poly relationship is more complex and challenging than dealing with them in a monogamous one, but the rewards for success are at least as good.

    You’ve said you want to end the relationship with Richard and L, and they’ve both said they don’t want it to end. In any relationship it’s up to each individual to decide whether they stay or go. So, this is entirely up to you, and I think you should use your instincts to make your decision, not necessarily what seems logical or right. We often find that our instincts are correct, they just can’t explain it to us in terms we understand.

    Having said that, I would advise you to consider both sides before making your decision final. If “guilt” is driving your decision, then be clear on why you feel guilty. IMO, L’s pain isn’t your responsibility or Richard’s; it’s hers. This pain is an emotional pain, not a physical one. If you hit her with your fist, then you would be responsible for her pain. But if she chooses to feel pain because of the relationship, then that’s her responsibility. Cold though that might sound, it is backed up by vast experience.

    We often think that others cause us to feel things through their actions because we don’t see clearly how we ourselves cause those feelings. Feelings are based on beliefs. If your belief is that you should be the only one to spend time with some person, and that person loves and wants to spend time with another, then you will feel pain based on that belief whenever they are with others. If you believe that it is good for someone you love to be with others and have the joy of intimacy with them, then you are more likely to feel good when it happens.

    This is the fundamental difference between monogamous and polyamorous people. The difference in beliefs leads to either feelings of jealousy or compersion, depending on your belief.

    L chose her own beliefs. You didn’t impose those on her. So, you are not responsible for her feelings of emotional pain.

    The general lack of support for polyamory in the wider community makes it hard for people to understand and deal with these kinds of situations. So, those of us in the poly community need to speak up. Really, I think you should change the tag on your entry from “s/m” to “polyamory”. (Well, add that tag.)

    In any case, you should feel supported in whatever decision you make about the relationship–whether to continue it at all and, if so, under what terms.

    Love is not a scarce resource, and I have no qualms about sending you mine. Others obviously are sending theirs, too. Maybe with all of us doing our part, it will help you get past this to a new and happier life.

  22. pixiepie,

    As a fairly recent reader of your writings I am not totally aware of your circumstances or personality. Though, I must say this post impels me to comment.

    Thoughts:

    As a book has many chapters, some good, some bad. So has life, one never knows the outcome until the end. I look forward to reading more .

    Richard denied your request and L asked you to reconsider? I find that interesting, and troubling at the same time. Prompts more questions….

    Thank you,
    -TFP

  23. There’s much that I’d like to say, but having just now read this, I think I’ll comment later when I can provide something thoughtful rather than “I’m so sorry.”

    I would like to comment to the commenter “Rich.” It appears you haven’t been reading for long? The relationship was not between Richard, Pixie and L – but rather between Richard and Pixie and Richard and L. It appears from your comment that you think this was something all three agreed to? It’s only recently that Richard’s wife (L) found out about this. It isn’t as if she said “Oh sure…let’s bring another into our life (and marriage).” While I too agree that Pixie cannot be held responsible for L’s feelings – geez – think about how that must have been for L to find out that her husband is involved with someone else AND into bdsm? Her husband of MANY years btw. I think that L has shown that she loves Richard immensely just by not immediately ending the marriage. I believe that L, by asking Pixie to stay, is making the ultimate sacrifice for her husband – putting HIS desires first.

  24. I am not sure it’s OK for an owner to refuse to let you go. Part of the agreement is that you are both in it willingly. Once one wants to walk away, the other shouldn’t stop them.

  25. I see what blush is saying but somewhere along the way she said yes I will do this. At that point the anger should have been channled into making it work and not bagging all the bad feeling up to have something to hit Richard and pixie over the head with. She could have walked away and should have if she was going to spend the folowing weeks as a victim and not as a participant in making her marriage work.
    Cold? Perhaps but I have seen this happen before in my own life. I will let you have your pixie but you (and she) will pay the price. Richard may not be the only one who is wanting his cake and wanting to eat it too. I too find it curious she would lay all this on pixie and then backstep as soon as she gets what she wants. Just my thoughts.

  26. DesireX..that’s a really good point. Why backstep? Did she do it because she thinks Richard will resent her? Or the does she think that he will find someone who will be less thoughtful and kind than Pixie? I don’t know.

    My point wasn’t to imply for even a minute that L is an angel in all of this or to make her out as a saint. My comment to Rich because it seemed like he believed she went into ‘this’ fully knowing what she was doing and consenting to the poly relationship. She didn’t. This hit her out of the blue (from what I’ve read here). Honestly, I’m not sure what real choice she had once she found out. Leave her husband of so many years or accept as best she could. I really do admire how she is handling this and do see the note as a snapshot.

  27. Blush,

    I agree with you that what you said about L. In offering to allow them to continue their relationship she is acting admirably, and I’m not discounting the pain she is undoubtedly suffering. I just think that pixiepie should not buy into too much guilt about it. That guilt could cause other problems that all three of them would suffer for.

    –Rich

  28. Rich, I agree. Pixie is the sub. Her guilt should be passed to Richard. He takes that load from her. IMO R has been a stella Dom. I do not think he is failing pixie now. I also do not think he is failing L. He would have failed her more had he continued to keep pixie a secret. Now she can possibly share in the joy that pixie has given to Richard.

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