One part of this extraordinary adventure that I find myself on is a piece that I find almost impossible to live with. It’s new. Yes, Guilt. There has always been a part of me that has tried very hard to place myself in L’s shoes. To imagine what it would be like to be her…to know that her husband needs another woman in his life to feel whole, to be complete. On top of that there is the little addition that he is a sadist, a practicing Dominant and has a submissive entirely devoted to his happiness. Richard has told me many times…over and over again that her pain is his burden. It is on him. It is his responsibility and nothing I need to feel guilty about. He has pointed out that she always has the option of stepping away from the relationship; he is forcing nothing on her. He has pointed out and she has admitted as much to me that she is benefiting from his relationship with me.
As much as I try Richard’s words have not been able to absolve me of my guilt. I guess I don’t want it to. I don’t want to hide behind my submission and say that I am not as much to blame for her pain as he his. I am. L emailed me and it might change everything. Her email was drafted in the form of a letter…a letter written from a wife to a submissive. She talked about the hours where she had to keep busy to not let her mind wander to what he was doing with me. She told me about the nights where she would lay beside him and in his sleep he would say my name and play with me in his dreams. She explained with words laced with pain and anger that we were asking the impossible of her yet she was doing it. She acknowledged that she is unable and unwilling to give him what he needs to be whole. She acknowledged that I could. She told me that if I lived to be an old woman I would never know the pain she felt at knowing that although he comes home to her he still seeks me out in his sleep. She asked me if that flattered me. No….it doesn’t flatter me. Maybe it would if I needed reassurance of Richard’s love and need of me but I do not. It hurts me for her, it hurts me for Richard. It hurts for multiple reasons. One is that I do not need to live to be an old woman to know that pain. I can imagine it and would not wish it on anyone. Least of all not on the woman that I see as an extension of him.
“He (Richard) tells me not to be afraid. Of whom? Him? Certainly not. Of his dreams? Not really; they are dreams only. Of you? Of the power you have over his mind? Yes. That power disarms me. It alarms me. And the wife wakes up to wonder by herself.”
I know that we are treading lightly across a great mass of emotions and raw feelings. I know that mine erupt without provocation. I know hers do to. I know that I hold a lot inside. I know that I write a lot…I share a lot here and that makes me feel better I fight the urge to say out loud to her…to Richard…to myself that she does have a choice. She agreed to this. She said she could make it work and knew that it would hurt. Of course it would hurt. Only I don’t. I can’t. I won’t put this off on her. In her shoes….what wouldn’t I do…what wouldn’t I say to maintain the security of marriage with the only man she has ever loved. Who would risk losing her husband at this point in her life? Why would she do anything other than everything he asked to make what they share better, more honest and more fulfilling? Richard told me that for the first time in his life he was being completely honest with his wife about who he is and what he is doing. I can’t imagine the load that fell from his shoulders. I am happy for that. I am happy that this exploration into what has always been missing between them has allowed her let go of some past anger that she had held against him for so long….anger that strained their relationship. That is gone now and I rejoice for them even as I struggle with the reality that my presence in her life comes bearing both pleasure and pain.
The pain must come out and although Richard told her not to she sent me this email and her words….well, I can’t ignore them. I can’t ignore her pain. She wrote…
“…. I work to fill my head with busy thoughts outside of you and him together. When do you climax? How does he make you feel at that moment and one step further, what in his burning mind is he feeling at that very moment he tenses into his own come? This is what the wife thinks. This is what the wife imagines. This is what the wife fears.”
Richard warned me it was coming. As I drove home from an out of town trip he called me and said I had an email waiting for me. He was tempted to tell me to not read it. He said that as soon as she sent it she was sorry…she regretted knowing he may be angry at her. I wasn’t expecting to feel emptied out. I wasn’t expecting to feel her sorrow. What it did for me was break something up inside of me. All the little pieces of my conscience that I had neglected and let fall away…that I let listen to Richard’s reassurance that her pain was on him all came back together and swallowed me whole. I read her email and was full of her pain. All I wanted to do as to end it with Richard. To give her Richard back….to allow her to feel normal again.
I wrote them a letter. I asked Richard to release me. I asked L to forgive me. I told them there came a time when all the pleasure in the world couldn’t make up for this type of pain. I told L her words were like gravity to me….pulling me down from the cloud that Richard and I created to cushion our own needs.
I wrote to them….
“Richard, what I have given you over the past 10 months has been too beautiful to allow guilt and sadness to cloud it. I will remember it and you always with love and as a time that I found tremendous growth and acceptance in and for myself. I am sorry for all of the pain I caused L. So sorry for being the one who did that. Please know I can’t do it anymore and why. Please forgive me for my weakness as I ask this of you in this way and not face to face where I would fail.
Please respect my choice and allow me to walk away and allow this to end without anger…like we always promised each other. No anger.
L….I hope you can forgive me. I know I will never know when and even if your forgiveness will come but I will hope for it anyway.”
So as it stands it is over. I have asked to be released. Richard is refusing my request. L is asking that I reconsider. She doesn’t want this to end. As Richard said…the devil you know. And perhaps that is right. But I am not sure if I want to be the ‘devil’. She told him that his smile is gone. I know the feeling…my smile is gone too. I love my Owner. I love what we have. It breaks my heart to let in end a moment sooner than it has to. Maybe this is the moment. But what means more than all that? Looking in the mirror? Sleeping at night? I told him that there is no way past feeling her pain every time he touches me…that it could never be the same now.
There is a lot of sadness to go around right now. I am ignoring their calls…unable to allow myself to be swayed. His face…his voice…his touch all will sway me. I am confused. I don’t know what to do. Moments like this I look to him and only now I can’t.