poly relationships

the visit..meeting L

My confusion started to grow soon after I sent the email to Richard and L that I was asking to be released. I pushed send and felt detached. I sat on my bed and ignored the flashes of all I was giving up that came shooting towards me. I could ignore that just like I ignored it when my cell phone started to ring…and when the TM came through from Richard ordering me to call him.  L left me a voice mail and said I was being rash…she said that she and Richard were both going to continue to try and reach me. She said she didn’t mean for her email to hurt me and she asked that I please call Richard.

 

I went to the gym. I took a nap and then I went to the park. I realized I couldn’t ignore Richard. He left me a voice mail and told me that I owed him a response, that I needed to take his call or call him back. And when his next call came through a few minutes later he didn’t seem surprised I answered it. He sounded sad and I think he could tell that I was trying hard to not cry.

 

I tried to explain that her pain was on me. He said it wasn’t. He said that it was his to deal with…that he was furious she sent that email to me and he promised it wouldn’t happen again. No I told him..that I welcomed the email because it made me see what she was going through. A snapshot he said….it was but a snapshot of how she was feeling. He reminded me that I didn’t see the happy side……the times when all this has improved her marriage…made their life better together. I told him that I agreed…I didn’t see that. That was not something I could or even wanted to take credit for. I was caught up in her words and in her pain and he was telling me that I needed to let that go. She had made the choice to keep this together and we had all acknowledged we would have bad days. I said I didn’t want to feel the lash of her bad days. I didn’t want to get back into the cycle of associating guilt with love and love with guilt. And I knew she was right.

 

He said that she was feeling horrible. That she didn’t want this to end, that she was sorry her words hurt me, sorry that she sent me the email. We talked for almost and hour and I ended the conversation telling him I stood by my decision to end it. I again asked him to release me. Again…he refused. He wanted me to think it through.

 

I tried hard to understand why L still wanted me in Richard’s life when what we do is agonizing for her. She sees me as safe. She knows that Richard and I will never run away together and live happily ever after. She asked him if I told him I loved him and he said yes. Then of course she asked him if he told me he loved me and again he said yes. The physical…I think she can handle; she can see that as a need. The emotional bond that has formed between Richard and I is seen as a betrayal. Anyone who has been in a D/s relationship…knows that feeling develop and they are intense. (Especially if all the other factors are there to make for a happy partnership) Richard once told me that there was nothing I couldn’t give him. We have a rare sort of connection that is both tender and savage.

 

L acknowledges that even if I walk away Richard’s need doesn’t change. He is still a sadist. He is still a dominant…somewhere scary Richard still lurks. Will the next submissive me as ‘safe’ as me? Will she be at a different point in her life….will he fall in love with her and not have the large age gap that Richard and I do keeping us from attempting something more? Remember they have been married much longer than I have been alive. Of course I am safe to her. All except for the fact Richard loves me. And I love him. And how do you stop that? We never planned it…didn’t want it. Goodness …when I met Richard I was in a long distance relationship with Mark. I though quite naively that all my D/s needs were being met. That I didn’t need more. I see Mark now as a dream that I held onto for the longest time. He was that first magic experience to me and I would have never imagined letting that slip away for another. Yet Richard walked into my life and everything changed.

 

We said our goodbyes and he said he was going to call me in the morning. He said that we would talk and that I needed to think. He was not releasing me. I received an email from L once again explaining why she sent me what she did…another apology and an acknowledgment that she had hurt me. My mind was foggy…..I wasn’t sure what I needed. What mattered and what didn’t. I had this heart wrenching plea begging me to let go of the grasp I have on her husband and then we almost came full circle with her saying that he needed me.

 

I couldn’t eat dinner. I showered and my friend Joey stopped by. Joey knows about Richard and I. Joey had just broken up with his boyfriend and needed a shoulder never expecting that I needed my own…lol. We sat on my bed for about an hour just talking and my doorbell rang. In my flannel pajamas I answered the door.

 

Richard and L stood there. I didn’t see her at first as much as I sensed her there. Richard asked to talk to me…they wanted to see me. I couldn’t breath. Until this second I hadn’t met L….now she was at my front door. We decided to go to a coffeehouse and talk.

I am not deliberately leaving a cliffhanger here…I am just out of time to write as I have someplace to be in an hour. I appreciate the emails and all the responses from my last post so I wanted to get this up so everyone knows I am OK. Richard is OK….L is OK. There is so much to say…and I will write more later today if I can.

 

23 thoughts on “the visit..meeting L

  1. pixiepie, keeping my fingers crossed for you. i know what a wrenching experience this is for you, and am hoping that things have worked themselves out. Sending you hugs …

  2. Well Pixie,

    If someone is going to fight to keep you, and it sounds like in this case, it is two someone’s… it is inevitable that they will show up on your doorstep and plead their case.

    Other’s commented on the points that Richard made in the phone call. That you are a known to L. That even though you two love each other, and even if that knowledge hurts, you are indeed a ‘known’ factor and that you and Richard have something of a ‘safe’ relationship in regards to her.

    It seems they both have reason’s to want you to stay with ‘them’. And make no mistake about that pixie.. as a married Mystress with male sub I do know these dynamics very well. (although I was encouraged by My husband to find this male sub and the two of them are friends and Paladin spends time with us here as I spend time alone with him. Even though My husband is very straight, Paladin is to some degree considered ‘ours’ by virtue of what is Myne, is also My husbands) and now, there is now a ‘them’ (as in Richard and L) .. for a triad has now truly formed in your relationship.

    For if L wants you to stay with Richard, then she in essence is agreeing to a polyamory relationship. And that does change things. For this will mean that even if she is never intimate with you, she is still now a part of your relationship with Richard.

    Wouldn’t it be an irony if you found yourself in a relationship like dear little persephone. (soft smile) owned by two? Well.. it may be closer to that then you think in the end. And THAT is a totally different circumstance then what you have been… and then.. there IS no guilt associated with that. Just as Paladin has no guilt in our relationship, for he is owned and loved and accepted by us both, just as persephone is owned and loved by her two owners. L may not love you, but if she is going to accept you, and plead for you to stay.. well then.. that does change things – rather drastically. And hopefully, for the better for all 3 of you. Like everyone else, I’ll be waiting to see how things went.

    Sending you continued good wishes,
    Mystress

  3. Hi Pixie this indeed sound like good news..

    I would like stay something about all the comments that L can just leave if she wants..Well folks it’s not that easy to leave a man you have loved for over 30 years or more on top of that, having loved him since high school been his help mate the mother of his child or children, of course we don’t know all the facts here, But think on it folks,you’re a woman in her 40’s maybe late 40’s you have given all your youth to one man, then to find out all these years later he is a dom, and a sadist and has a submissive that’s young enough to be her daughter or almost young enough.then to top it off he loves the submissive..and to keep him you must accept her … If you ask me thats a lot to assimulate, in not even two months remember folks she just found out Jan 6,.. Of course she rather not have pixie in her life..but she loves Richard and to keep him she must do as he wishes..seems to me we have a submissive in the making.. I don’t think you folks realize how humilating this must be for L, knowing she isn’t enough for Richard ,but she is trying, give the lady some credit… She should be allow her pain and anger..Just as Pixie should be allowed hers.

    Pixie I truly wish you the best .

  4. Richard has always seemed like kind of a prick to this outsider — to L, as well as to you. He can’t accept that he can’t have everything, and so he has to get dramatic bringing L by unannounced. It seems to me that you are much, much better off without him.

  5. I would like to add I wish Pixie, Richard, L the best..

    But one more point to Richard you may get angry with this one but so be it.. it should be said as a lawyer you know that in many court rooms your behavior to L would be seen as emotional abuse.. I know you don’t see it that way or mean that way but it does will look like it to many…and before others get all upset with me, think on it.. A person who cares for others will point out what may be seen, even if what is beening seen isn’t correct.. .. fawn

  6. emotional abuse? please…we don’t have enough facts to even speculate on that one. I see a lady who knows she has a good thing and doesn’t want to lose it. He gives her a good stable life and maybe putting up with a little sub on the side is a small price to pay for retiring in marital security.
    No one is selfless and yes she could just walk away.

    I also wonder if pixie realizes how the very act of L asking her to stay with Richard changes everything. The entire dynamic is changed. It has almost overnight became more of a poly relationship. Does L realize that while pixie is Richard’s sub almost by default she is now a proud owner of a bouncing baby pixie. 🙂
    smile pixiepie, you are loved and there are many here thinking of you.

  7. I can’t imagine how you must have felt when she was at your doorstep. Brave and humbling of her.

    What a fascinating journey you are on little one.

  8. I wonder if L was actually put under some pressure to meet you,or perhaps was made to feel guilty after sending the e-mails to you? Just a thought really.

  9. Thank you L.. perhaps I didn’t convey that in my post.. I too wonder …as my posts are too just something to think about , as it has been said none of us know all the facts.. desire x you see one way I see another…perhaps we are both correct and both wrong..
    Either way its alot for L to take in under 2 months…

  10. I am sorry,but I still feel that the person who is coming off the best in all of this is Richard! He can have it all as it is,whereas others would appear to be left a little “underchanged” maybe?

  11. desireX, i can’t help but wonder what is behind your heartless characterization of L. we’ve seen nothing to indicate that she has no true feelings for Richard. there has certainly been nothing to even hint that she has stayed in the marriage only for the money and security.

    marriages are complex creations. and no matter the ambivalence or pain, it is not in fact that easy to “just walk away.” and please don’t speak so flippantly of “retiring in martial security” until the specter of quite the opposite has kept you awake nights.

    fawn, your points are very well taken, and being sympathetic to L does not mean denying what pixie has been going through. they both of course have many strong feelings, perhaps even ambivalent ones, which should all be heard and respected. i think it would be glorious if a poly relationship could work for each of them, and i wish them all the best of luck, with the hope that they will ALL feel at peace and have their needs met.

    hugs all around.

  12. I agree that once L made it clear to pixie she wanted her to stay in the relationship that the rules changed. This IS more of a poly relationship now that it is a Richard and pixie thing. Pixies role with Richard is owed more respect. And what are we all talking abot…..as far as we know it is over. Right? Right pixie…lol.

    And this is a lot for L to take in in couple months. But look at pixie too, even Richard. Pixie went from being owned by Richard and having him anytime she desired him to having his wife back in his life and her knowing about pixie. This is hard for all of them but it has glorious potential.

  13. Thoughts:

    When one plants flower seeds, one expects beautiful flowers to bud n bloom.

    What seeds have been sown here?

    -TFP

  14. I have to agree with thouse saying, richard looks like theones pulling the strings, He loves pixies, then why not leave his wife for her? Because pixie is much younger and may not always want their realtionship, richard seems just as weak and a bit of a dick making L apoligiues for her feelings and dragging her round. Where is he saying he loves his wife? He says he loves pixie, pixies says she loves him, L says she loves richard but where is richard saying he loves L?
    I feel sorry for pixie too, butyour guilt is justifyed. maybe L should make Richard fight for *her*, and if not being separarted might be the answer

  15. For the record, there has never been any questoin in my mind of how much Richard loves his wife. He tells me does. I know that he does. He is devoted to her and to their marriage. At times I saw myself especially right before all this happened as almost a last chance to save what they have. Ironically they are closer, more loving and more satisfied in their relationship now that he can be whole and there is honesty between them.

    Please don’t say mean things about Richard. It really hurts me. He has an amazing capacity to love and I feel the benefits of that as does L. Seeds have been sown…the seeds of trust and love and an acceptance that I never had in my life prior to him. Everything he does is deliberate and he would never knowingly hurt either of us unless the good outweighs the bad.

  16. pixie,

    i wish you the best whatever you all decide. As i stated before i am married but not to my Master, and the journey can be very hard but also very rewarding as long as you all talk openly and continue to do so as much as you all need to. My husband and i have become closer, and so have Master and i.

    Thank you pixie for sharing your pain, and your journey with us all. you are helping others see that they are not alone.

    i sincerely wish you all the best, and please do not decide anything when feelings and emotions are high. i am thinking of you all…..

    pet

  17. It’s good to see you’re okay Pixie we all have been worried..

    I do have one question,
    How can you say that Ricard devoted to L and their marriage when he has told her more then once, no pixie, no marriage? He may not have said it in those words but that’s what it amounts too.. He may love L but he wants Pixie more…I know my comments come across as though I don’t feel for you I do…You too are getting a raw deal…Ricard is on the winning end…And no matter how much L asks you to come back she has no choice if she wishs to keep her marriage in tact….I would also like to say perhaps if given enough time and understanding L may come around totally..again its been less then two months….. Pixie again I truly hope the best for all of you…. as you can see by all these commments you are very much loved and cared about from friends to unknown friends.. fawn

  18. I have been in a similiar situation pixie and I agree that people are being hard on Richard. I haven’t heard him say no pixie no marriage. You are specualting that he forced an apology out of L. Speculating and that isn’t fair to Richard and it is insulting to L. She is not the submissive -pixie is. Who are we to assume Richard could force her to do or not do anything.
    To you pixie, I have a feeling this tale isn’t over and Richard has not let you go. Good Luck to you all. There is a lot of pain here but I have a feeling the pleasure will outweigh the pain for all.

  19. Suelynn you need to read earlier posts from pixie..Ricard told L she could leave, but he wasn’t giving up pixie for for L or their marriage.. hence no pixie no marriage..

    I’m not saying he force an apology.. I’m saying L had no choice if she wish to keep her husband.. More than once its been said by Pixie and Richard ..L can leave if she doesnt like it..

    I’m not saying Pixie isn’t in pain as well as Ricard .. you know I do wonder, does L have the support like Pixie does from her readers.. Perhaps L has a blog and readers that are helping her through this too..As its been said we don’t know the whole story.. again Pixie know you are very much cared and loved.. fawn

  20. Pixie.

    I truly hope I haven’t hurt your feelings, that was not my intent..There are many sides and views and I didn’t mean to make your blog a debate..after all this is an outlet for your feelings and views which your allowing us to share..

    I shall be still….

    Thank you for your gift…. fawn

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