My confusion started to grow soon after I sent the email to Richard and L that I was asking to be released. I pushed send and felt detached. I sat on my bed and ignored the flashes of all I was giving up that came shooting towards me. I could ignore that just like I ignored it when my cell phone started to ring…and when the TM came through from Richard ordering me to call him. L left me a voice mail and said I was being rash…she said that she and Richard were both going to continue to try and reach me. She said she didn’t mean for her email to hurt me and she asked that I please call Richard.
I went to the gym. I took a nap and then I went to the park. I realized I couldn’t ignore Richard. He left me a voice mail and told me that I owed him a response, that I needed to take his call or call him back. And when his next call came through a few minutes later he didn’t seem surprised I answered it. He sounded sad and I think he could tell that I was trying hard to not cry.
I tried to explain that her pain was on me. He said it wasn’t. He said that it was his to deal with…that he was furious she sent that email to me and he promised it wouldn’t happen again. No I told him..that I welcomed the email because it made me see what she was going through. A snapshot he said….it was but a snapshot of how she was feeling. He reminded me that I didn’t see the happy side……the times when all this has improved her marriage…made their life better together. I told him that I agreed…I didn’t see that. That was not something I could or even wanted to take credit for. I was caught up in her words and in her pain and he was telling me that I needed to let that go. She had made the choice to keep this together and we had all acknowledged we would have bad days. I said I didn’t want to feel the lash of her bad days. I didn’t want to get back into the cycle of associating guilt with love and love with guilt. And I knew she was right.
He said that she was feeling horrible. That she didn’t want this to end, that she was sorry her words hurt me, sorry that she sent me the email. We talked for almost and hour and I ended the conversation telling him I stood by my decision to end it. I again asked him to release me. Again…he refused. He wanted me to think it through.
I tried hard to understand why L still wanted me in Richard’s life when what we do is agonizing for her. She sees me as safe. She knows that Richard and I will never run away together and live happily ever after. She asked him if I told him I loved him and he said yes. Then of course she asked him if he told me he loved me and again he said yes. The physical…I think she can handle; she can see that as a need. The emotional bond that has formed between Richard and I is seen as a betrayal. Anyone who has been in a D/s relationship…knows that feeling develop and they are intense. (Especially if all the other factors are there to make for a happy partnership) Richard once told me that there was nothing I couldn’t give him. We have a rare sort of connection that is both tender and savage.
L acknowledges that even if I walk away Richard’s need doesn’t change. He is still a sadist. He is still a dominant…somewhere scary Richard still lurks. Will the next submissive me as ‘safe’ as me? Will she be at a different point in her life….will he fall in love with her and not have the large age gap that Richard and I do keeping us from attempting something more? Remember they have been married much longer than I have been alive. Of course I am safe to her. All except for the fact Richard loves me. And I love him. And how do you stop that? We never planned it…didn’t want it. Goodness …when I met Richard I was in a long distance relationship with Mark. I though quite naively that all my D/s needs were being met. That I didn’t need more. I see Mark now as a dream that I held onto for the longest time. He was that first magic experience to me and I would have never imagined letting that slip away for another. Yet Richard walked into my life and everything changed.
We said our goodbyes and he said he was going to call me in the morning. He said that we would talk and that I needed to think. He was not releasing me. I received an email from L once again explaining why she sent me what she did…another apology and an acknowledgment that she had hurt me. My mind was foggy…..I wasn’t sure what I needed. What mattered and what didn’t. I had this heart wrenching plea begging me to let go of the grasp I have on her husband and then we almost came full circle with her saying that he needed me.
I couldn’t eat dinner. I showered and my friend Joey stopped by. Joey knows about Richard and I. Joey had just broken up with his boyfriend and needed a shoulder never expecting that I needed my own…lol. We sat on my bed for about an hour just talking and my doorbell rang. In my flannel pajamas I answered the door.
Richard and L stood there. I didn’t see her at first as much as I sensed her there. Richard asked to talk to me…they wanted to see me. I couldn’t breath. Until this second I hadn’t met L….now she was at my front door. We decided to go to a coffeehouse and talk.
I am not deliberately leaving a cliffhanger here…I am just out of time to write as I have someplace to be in an hour. I appreciate the emails and all the responses from my last post so I wanted to get this up so everyone knows I am OK. Richard is OK….L is OK. There is so much to say…and I will write more later today if I can.