We went to Starbucks..the three of us. I asked them to wait for me outside and I ran in to change. I answered the door in pink flannel jammies…not exactly what I wanted to have on the first time I med L. I had been crying and hoped no one noticed but I had a feeling they did. Richard and L had been at the gym and from there L suggested they ride over to my house to talk to me. Yes…L suggested. Richard didn’t force her to meet me and he certainly never would force an apology out of her. He has too much respect for her to do that.
My first impression of her was that she was quite pretty. I imagined that when she was younger she was strikingly beautiful. She and Richard looked good together and I felt the positive force of energy that comes from a couple who have spent a lifetime together. I was a little amazed that they were at my front door. I threw on some clothes and ran outside to L’s car. Richard was driving and he got out and let me inside the back seat. Funny…there were no introductions, nothing formal anyway. We knew who each other was and I could tell she was as nervous as I was. It was almost frightening to be in the car with them. I kept waiting for her to turn around and speak to me but she never did. Once we got to the coffee shop I walked a little behind them into the familiar shop. They ordered a drink and we found a corner table and sat down. It was pretty late…after ten and we weren’t sure how late they were opened. They sat in matching chairs and Richard pulled a wooden chair away from another table and told me to sit down.
L right away started to speak. She said she never meant for her words to hurt me…she didn’t want to make me feel guilty or sad. She told me she did not want me to end this relationship and she said there was good here. She reminded me that she was still getting used to her husband being a sadist and having a submissive. I knew how hard it was for her to sit across from me. I felt her eyes on me and I wondered if she imagined me with Richard. I was amazed when I felt Richard’s hands on me.
He cradled my head in his hand and brushed his thumb across my face. He was tender and gentle and kept my head tilted up so he could look at me as he spoke. I was uncomfortable to have him touch me in front of her but after a few minutes it felt natural. I think that is why he did it…to show her it was OK. That I was her husband’s toy….his submissive and that touching me gave him pleasure. It also reminded me that until he released me I was owned. His hands on me reminded me of that. I hated allowing myself to want him. I was becoming quite swept away in the full blown submissive feeling of sitting there with Richard….his voice and hands owning me even in front of L. I felt her eyes watching us and I think it was a learning experience for her. I know she commented to Richard later that the feelings between us were obvious; she commented on the tenderness he showed me. I think it was odd for her to see him touch me with gentleness given the nature of our relationship. He told her that he feels gentle and tender towards me when he isn’t hurting me….lol. I think you have to have a pretty firm grasp on the whole D/s dynamic to understand that. L said, “I was nervous about meeting you but now I see meeting you is easy.” I smiled at her somewhat shyly I think because I wasn’t sure if she had complimented me or insulted me. Richard reached out and pinched my cheek, “See, she doesn’t think you are ‘evil’.” Evil was a word I had used…I said she must think I was evil to be in his life the way I was.
The conversation was what you would expect. Halting…a little awkward…but between Richard and me it was business as usual. He demanded the same respect from me he always had and his very presence shook my core. She said that she needed to pour her hurt out and that it should have been directed to Richard and not me. She also said that at times since opening communication with me that she has felt censored with me. I understand that.
“You have no idea how badly I want you on your knees.” Richard said to me with that voice he uses. I heard L’s intake of breath blend with my own as I looked up at him a little amazed at what he had said. I again realized he was showing her what I was to him. He glanced at her and said.. “She would love that.” He asked me if that was true and I said “Yes Sir.”
The conversation went on. We talked about Liam and Jackson and she said that she felt like I would never give any one else a chance as long as I had Richard. I felt Richard’s hand on my arm and he pulled me down on the floor in front of him. The coffee shop was empty but I suppose I didn’t look too unusual sitting there on the floor. It felt right and immediately I felt more secure with Richard. It crossed my mind that I had been asking for the past six hours to be released and he had just somehow pulled me out of that and put me back in my place. And in front of L too.
L asked me several questions. She wanted to know where I saw myself in a year. Didn’t I want to get married..?etc. Richard was encouraging me to answer her the best I could. She later told him that he never took his hands off of me. Not accurate entirely though…he touched me often but he also held her hand and squeezed her leg. I remember him asking her to be strong. She had a quiet dignity about her that I admired. She moved with a grace that knew was appealing to Richard and I could see why he loves her.
Even with all the upheaval in my heart and my yearning for him to release me I never felt more Owned than I did kneeling at his feet with his wife by his side. She didn’t get up and walk away, she didn’t say a word. She didn’t get angry when he made me kneel. It felt natural for Richard and I and I think it was a moment for her…a moment where she must have thought ‘oh…I am starting to see.’
She told me that she had an issue with the emotional side of what Richard and I share, she said they discussed the love between us and that scared her. She was honest with me and said that she would like to see that separated. I was honest right back and said that it couldn’t be separated. Like ‘un-ringing a bell’ I think Richard may have said. She commented that I was bright and intelligent and expressed myself well and because of that she had trouble understanding why I would look to Richard for answers and support. She didn’t understand my need to get more than pain from him…where really my need with Richard is a daily sort of guidance and nurturing and support. Pain and power exchange is the overall basis for it but the core of our relationship is trust.
L said she worried that I had everything I wanted with Richard and that would keep me from moving forward with someone else. I was confused on and off because sometimes it seemed as if her words were meant to reassure me regarding my relationship with Richard and at times it seemed like she was pleading her case to get me to disappear. I certainly can acknowledge her own confusion as she must have mixed emotions. Richard stopped me from answering her a few times as her questions were getting more and more direct and demanding. He told her to stop that she was intimidating me and that was not why he had me on the floor. I told him later that I felt as if I was doing a good job of answering her talking with her when I was sitting at her eye level. Once on the floor my mind became a little fuzzy and I found myself leaning into Richard more and more.
She asked again why I needed him so much and said she would like this better if I didn’t need to hear from everyday. I looked directly at Richard and asked him if he was telling me that he didn’t want to hear from me daily, if he was asking me to not need him. He said ‘No.’ Of course he wasn’t asking that, he didn’t want that. I asked her if she knew about the rules that Richard had for me…the ones regarding Liam and even Jackson, the rules about curfews and bedtime and all the guidelines he has given me to help me focus my life. She had told Richard before that she felt his rule about me not sleeping with Liam was self serving. I told her that Richard and I had discussed many times the possibility of him keeping me from Mr. Right. I told her I was confident he would let me go if that time came. She looked doubtful and I realized she was not totally approving of her husband’s techniques as far as his ownership of me. Oddly enough it felt as if she was looking out for me a little and that made me smile inside.
I have a face now to her and the world has not ended. She has a clear picture of what I mean to her husband and I have the feeling that she is more secure of her own place after seeing me firmly in my own. Richard has not released me. I am not asking him to again. L and I are continuing to get to know each other. Richard continues to own me. I read some of your comments about her owning me by default now and that made me smile. I do not think she is quite ready for that just yet. Her interactions with me since our meeting have been kind and supportive and I think the more she gets to know me the less threatening I will become. I agree that some things have changed now. She mentioned to Richard that one of her feelings regarding him and I is one of feeling ‘left out’. I don’t know what that means exactly or how much involvement she would like to have in our relationship. I don’t know what Richard wants in that respect either. I will of course do whatever Richard asks me to do. I am confident that he will protect me from her anger in the future and I know it will surface again. It has to and I understand it, I am less guilty now that I have heard it from her that she doesn’t want this to end. She acknowledged to me that she can’t give him everything that he needs, she said I can and that she wants me to. I don’t think it is all about her not wanting to lose him. I think she truly wants him to be happy and settled. She commented about the weight he had been carrying around without anyone to understand who he was and what he needed. I think she seemed almost thankful to me for being in his life to be that needed release for him…to be the release that would allow him to find joy in his marriage and life partner again.
I am not sure where this is all going. Liam is home next week. I am seeing more and more of Jackson. I am happy with Richard but know it isn’t forever. I am trying to see things without this cloudy confusion and trying instead to see them as ‘options’. Life is going on and I saw Richard the other night. I was worried it would feel different. That her words would come to my mind and the guilt of what I was to him would block my submission. Nothing changed. Nothing blocked what I give him, what he takes, and what he gives to me. From the moment he walked and pushed me to my knees…to the stinging smacks across my face…and the belt lashing my back and bottom nothing had changed. I take that back….the only thing that changed was meeting L afterwards for a drink. Now that was different. Again…I am not sure where all this is going.