L · poly relationships · Richard

what happened next

We went to Starbucks..the three of us. I asked them to wait for me outside and I ran in to change. I answered the door in pink flannel jammies…not exactly what I wanted to have on the first time I med L. I had been crying and hoped no one noticed but I had a feeling they did. Richard and L had been at the gym and from there L suggested they ride over to my house to talk to me. Yes…L suggested. Richard didn’t force her to meet me and he certainly never would force an apology out of her. He has too much respect for her to do that.

My first impression of her was that she was quite pretty. I imagined that when she was younger she was strikingly beautiful. She and Richard looked good together and I felt the positive force of energy that comes from a couple who have spent a lifetime together. I was a little amazed that they were at my front door. I threw on some clothes and ran outside to L’s car. Richard was driving and he got out and let me inside the back seat. Funny…there were no introductions, nothing formal anyway. We knew who each other was and I could tell she was as nervous as I was. It was almost frightening to be in the car with them. I kept waiting for her to turn around and speak to me but she never did. Once we got to the coffee shop I walked a little behind them into the familiar shop. They ordered a drink and we found a corner table and sat down. It was pretty late…after ten and we weren’t sure how late they were opened. They sat in matching chairs and Richard pulled a wooden chair away from another table and told me to sit down.

L right away started to speak. She said she never meant for her words to hurt me…she didn’t want to make me feel guilty or sad. She told me she did not want me to end this relationship and she said there was good here. She reminded me that she was still getting used to her husband being a sadist and having a submissive. I knew how hard it was for her to sit across from me. I felt her eyes on me and I wondered if she imagined me with Richard. I was amazed when I felt Richard’s hands on me.

He cradled my head in his hand and brushed his thumb across my face. He was tender and gentle and kept my head tilted up so he could look at me as he spoke. I was uncomfortable to have him touch me in front of her but after a few minutes it felt natural. I think that is why he did it…to show her it was OK. That I was her husband’s toy….his submissive and that touching me gave him pleasure. It also reminded me that until he released me I was owned. His hands on me reminded me of that. I hated allowing myself to want him. I was becoming quite swept away in the full blown submissive feeling of sitting there with Richard….his voice and hands owning me even in front of L. I felt her eyes watching us and I think it was a learning experience for her. I know she commented to Richard later that the feelings between us were obvious; she commented on the tenderness he showed me. I think it was odd for her to see him touch me with gentleness given the nature of our relationship. He told her that he feels gentle and tender towards me when he isn’t hurting me….lol. I think you have to have a pretty firm grasp on the whole D/s dynamic to understand that. L said, “I was nervous about meeting you but now I see meeting you is easy.” I smiled at her somewhat shyly I think because I wasn’t sure if she had complimented me or insulted me. Richard reached out and pinched my cheek, “See, she doesn’t think you are ‘evil’.” Evil was a word I had used…I said she must think I was evil to be in his life the way I was.

The conversation was what you would expect. Halting…a little awkward…but between Richard and me it was business as usual. He demanded the same respect from me he always had and his very presence shook my core. She said that she needed to pour her hurt out and that it should have been directed to Richard and not me. She also said that at times since opening communication with me that she has felt censored with me. I understand that.

“You have no idea how badly I want you on your knees.” Richard said to me with that voice he uses. I heard L’s intake of breath blend with my own as I looked up at him a little amazed at what he had said. I again realized he was showing her what I was to him. He glanced at her and said.. “She would love that.” He asked me if that was true and I said “Yes Sir.”

The conversation went on. We talked about Liam and Jackson and she said that she felt like I would never give any one else a chance as long as I had Richard. I felt Richard’s hand on my arm and he pulled me down on the floor in front of him. The coffee shop was empty but I suppose I didn’t look too unusual sitting there on the floor. It felt right and immediately I felt more secure with Richard. It crossed my mind that I had been asking for the past six hours to be released and he had just somehow pulled me out of that and put me back in my place. And in front of L too.

L asked me several questions. She wanted to know where I saw myself in a year. Didn’t I want to get married..?etc. Richard was encouraging me to answer her the best I could. She later told him that he never took his hands off of me. Not accurate entirely though…he touched me often but he also held her hand and squeezed her leg. I remember him asking her to be strong. She had a quiet dignity about her that I admired. She moved with a grace that knew was appealing to Richard and I could see why he loves her.

Even with all the upheaval in my heart and my yearning for him to release me I never felt more Owned than I did kneeling at his feet with his wife by his side. She didn’t get up and walk away, she didn’t say a word. She didn’t get angry when he made me kneel. It felt natural for Richard and I and I think it was a moment for her…a moment where she must have thought ‘oh…I am starting to see.’

She told me that she had an issue with the emotional side of what Richard and I share, she said they discussed the love between us and that scared her. She was honest with me and said that she would like to see that separated. I was honest right back and said that it couldn’t be separated. Like ‘un-ringing a bell’ I think Richard may have said. She commented that I was bright and intelligent and expressed myself well and because of that she had trouble understanding why I would look to Richard for answers and support. She didn’t understand my need to get more than pain from him…where really my need with Richard is a daily sort of guidance and nurturing and support. Pain and power exchange is the overall basis for it but the core of our relationship is trust.

L said she worried that I had everything I wanted with Richard and that would keep me from moving forward with someone else. I was confused on and off because sometimes it seemed as if her words were meant to reassure me regarding my relationship with Richard and at times it seemed like she was pleading her case to get me to disappear. I certainly can acknowledge her own confusion as she must have mixed emotions. Richard stopped me from answering her a few times as her questions were getting more and more direct and demanding. He told her to stop that she was intimidating me and that was not why he had me on the floor. I told him later that I felt as if I was doing a good job of answering her talking with her when I was sitting at her eye level. Once on the floor my mind became a little fuzzy and I found myself leaning into Richard more and more.

She asked again why I needed him so much and said she would like this better if I didn’t need to hear from everyday. I looked directly at Richard and asked him if he was telling me that he didn’t want to hear from me daily, if he was asking me to not need him. He said ‘No.’ Of course he wasn’t asking that, he didn’t want that. I asked her if she knew about the rules that Richard had for me…the ones regarding Liam and even Jackson, the rules about curfews and bedtime and all the guidelines he has given me to help me focus my life. She had told Richard before that she felt his rule about me not sleeping with Liam was self serving. I told her that Richard and I had discussed many times the possibility of him keeping me from Mr. Right. I told her I was confident he would let me go if that time came. She looked doubtful and I realized she was not totally approving of her husband’s techniques as far as his ownership of me. Oddly enough it felt as if she was looking out for me a little and that made me smile inside.

I have a face now to her and the world has not ended. She has a clear picture of what I mean to her husband and I have the feeling that she is more secure of her own place after seeing me firmly in my own. Richard has not released me. I am not asking him to again. L and I are continuing to get to know each other. Richard continues to own me. I read some of your comments about her owning me by default now and that made me smile. I do not think she is quite ready for that just yet. Her interactions with me since our meeting have been kind and supportive and I think the more she gets to know me the less threatening I will become. I agree that some things have changed now. She mentioned to Richard that one of her feelings regarding him and I is one of feeling ‘left out’. I don’t know what that means exactly or how much involvement she would like to have in our relationship. I don’t know what Richard wants in that respect either. I will of course do whatever Richard asks me to do. I am confident that he will protect me from her anger in the future and I know it will surface again. It has to and I understand it, I am less guilty now that I have heard it from her that she doesn’t want this to end. She acknowledged to me that she can’t give him everything that he needs, she said I can and that she wants me to. I don’t think it is all about her not wanting to lose him. I think she truly wants him to be happy and settled. She commented about the weight he had been carrying around without anyone to understand who he was and what he needed. I think she seemed almost thankful to me for being in his life to be that needed release for him…to be the release that would allow him to find joy in his marriage and life partner again.

I am not sure where this is all going. Liam is home next week. I am seeing more and more of Jackson. I am happy with Richard but know it isn’t forever. I am trying to see things without this cloudy confusion and trying instead to see them as ‘options’. Life is going on and I saw Richard the other night. I was worried it would feel different. That her words would come to my mind and the guilt of what I was to him would block my submission. Nothing changed. Nothing blocked what I give him, what he takes, and what he gives to me. From the moment he walked and pushed me to my knees…to the stinging smacks across my face…and the belt lashing my back and bottom nothing had changed. I take that back….the only thing that changed was meeting L afterwards for a drink. Now that was different. Again…I am not sure where all this is going.

31 thoughts on “what happened next

  1. oh…god…you both make me sick. Really. He is so insecure and such a manipulative bastard. And you just play into it. You romanticise his emotional abuse of you, like the immature child that you are. And he is no more mature than you. You are both such drama queens, really!

  2. to me (yes I know that sounds funny)
    pixie and Richard do not delete comments here even those made by rude people. they most likely will not respond but i will. how is Richard emotionally abusing pixie? he has been supportive of her. loving and nurturing. how often can a person find another person to help look out for their own best intrest.

    good luck pixie, Richard and L. i hope your individual relationships thrive just as your poly relationship continues to grow.

    ignore me. (lol..you know what i mean) 🙂

  3. I wonder if any of you realize how much this has changed the very nature of your relationship. L is not the outsider. Nor is pixie on the outside of this marriage. yes there will be boundaries in both relationships but the beginnings of a true poly relationship is starting to develop. In my practice I have seen this work and fail, rise and fall.
    This changes everything. In meeting pixie and acknowledging her she has accepted her.

    Good luck to all.

  4. what a twist. i can’t imagine how you were feeling. thank you for giving us the gift of your journey.

    Richard, i think you handled yourself and pixie perfectly.

  5. What do you imagine next pixie? You said you will do whatever Richard asks. What if he wants L to play a role in your discipline etc?

    I am so happy this is starting to settle. Ignore bitter ass monglers like ‘me’ above. Whatever.

  6. You all live your own lives, and make your own karma. And as it happens, your blog is sexually titillating to your readers. So they are likely to encourage any situation that means they will get a sex/discipline story in the near future.

    All I can think as I read this, is that I pray my husband would never treat me as Richard treats L. Her desperation to not make you mad, and to make you stay, so that she will not lose him breaks my heart.

    Of course Richard still has a need to be a sadist if you leave. But his wife will never be able to provide for, or understand that part of him whilst he goes to you to get it. And sadly she is stuck, making nice with you, out of fear of who Richard would go to next… if not you. What a terrible place to be after so many years of marriage and trust.

    Perhaps your being young, makes you think that the drama of this is romantic, as one reader said. In anycase- perhaps you can alert readers by your blog title, once things have ended with Richard. I wish good things for you. But it’s upsetting to read about you and Richard getting what you want at the expense, and emotional blackmail of another real person.

    I’ll catch up to your blog again, perhaps in happier times.

  7. I have to agree somewhat with what the previous commenter has said. I do wonder in fact how much pressure L is under to accept you in order that she can keep Richard. Some of the things that she asked you and said also very much demonstrated to me the pain which she so intensely feels right now, such as the fact that Richard may be actually preventing you from moving on etc etc and meeting someone else. I should imagine that secretly shes actually hoping that you will in fact meet someone else. Also the fact that she finds the emotional side of it so much to bear,made me feel very sad for her,but also for you,as I believe that sadly you may be entangled into a no win situation in all this.
    I still very much feel that its Richard who is coming out with the most in it all,and that worries me for you and L especially.

  8. Hello, all,

    I think pixie did a really good job of describing what happened, so I won’t elaborate much. I will admit that I put pixie on the floor with the absolute intent of bringing her back to me – showing her how good that felt. It had the added benefit of showing L just how that all worked. The negative effect, of course, was that it put pixie into shallow sub-space and she was not well equipped to deal with L’s intense questioning. But it all worked out very well and I am glad it happened.

    To respond to a few comments, trying always to remember pixie’s advice (just reiterated to me over the phone): take it with a grain of salt, Richard!

    To jenfrog: yay for your making us both smile, again and again!

    To Previously Proud of You: your suggestion that the readers all want sex and discipline is not supported by the stats and comments. It amazes both of us how pixie’s stats jump when her posts are about the difficulties of the relationship(s) and how it all feels compared to posts about sex and discipline. And look at the comment numbers! I think a lot of people read pixie because she pours her feelings onto the page and is obviously real about it, and she does so with wit and honesty.

    To any number of you: thank you for the comments supporting L. And I send that to those of you that support her while castigating me, not just those that are supportive of me as well. She has the most work to do here. She has had the least amount of time to absorb it all. She has the most change to absorb. She is making the most sacrifices. And she is doing it with style and grace. And she has the least voice here, because pixie cannot fully represent her feelings, and I have said I will not bring her life into this any further than necessary to make myself understood. So your support of her and what she must be feeling is appreciated, even when you can’t see the whole picture. You can at least see that she has it hard.

    The rest of what I’d like to say is pushing my limits on what I want to talk about but let me try to add some flavor. I have never said the words no pixie, no marriage. In an effort to discourage ultimatums from either direction, I HAVE said I am not willingly giving up either of you, and I am not giving up ON either of you (meaning just because you have a bad day or week doesn’t mean I am going to throw up my hands and say ok I give up). I have pulled both of them back from the brink more than once. Both of them see positives and negatives. To the extent this is successful, it is because people see the positives outweighing the negatives, not at every single moment in time, but over time, taking the long view.

    L should be allowed her pain and anger. She should even be able to direct some of it at pixie. I have pointed out that doing so has consequences that are not always in my control, that doing so can upset the apple cart, that doing so causes me just a whole bunch of angst and work, that doing so is not the best way to build something, and that doing so is really aiming it at the wrong person anyway. These are my choices that cause L pain.

    A repeated comment is how Richard seems to have it the best. I am not sure how to respond to that. I am not whining about how bad I have it. I would love nothing more than for each of us feel good about what we have. I am not looking to have it “best.” I am looking to have what I need to have a fulfilled life, and who doesn’t? If there is anyone out there who is not looking for what they need, then what the hell? – get working on it!! I am looking to do my best to provide two women with what each of them needs. And I am working really hard at that. Maybe I will succeed. Maybe I won’t. Should I apologize for having worked really hard to have what I want and need, knowing that I can’t get all of it from one place? I mean I really don’t know quite what to say to this complaint, so maybe I’ll just take it with a grain of salt. I just find it perplexing…. I am not even sure that given all the ways this might shake out, that I even DO have it best. I guess I’m just not measuring it that way – I want us all to have what we need to be happy, and that is my goal.

    OK, enough. I’m going to shut up now, with just one last thank you all for your thoughts and concerns for pixie, and your advice – over three posts. It continues to be an amazing journey, and there is more to come. I feel we have turned a corner somehow, and that things are going to get easier. Knock on wood.

  9. see what i mean? stellar domming Richard.
    This reader can’t wait to hear what happens next. You are right though about why most of us read. Not to take anything away from the eroticism that pixie gives us her posts that tell us her feelings are as appealing.
    Pixie, you are loved here in blogland. Please continue to gift us with your honesty and expereinces. I for one have learned so much.

  10. Everyone has a choice. L does. Richard does. Pixie does I think. Nobody is in this for selfless reasons. Even supersub pixie is getting her needs met. Give Richard a break. He may not be getting the most out of this. Pixie sounds pretty satisfied to me. 🙂 Love to all.

  11. Let’s see…if I had a kid would I wany him/her in my situation.

    Yes. This entire relationship has been based on losing my inhibitions, finding peace within myself, learning to love and trust, and allowing strong role models into my life. It has also been about finding myself and being true to what I am finding there.

    So yes….if my child needed this sort of relationship to find happiness and peace within herself I would offer him/her the unconditional love that only a parent can. A love that I might mention has been denied me. I will not make the same mistakes as my mother. My child/children will never doubt they are loved for all they offer and all they are inside.

  12. it is so clear that we are all viewing this saga through the lens of our own lives, and it is very very hard to step back and truly try to understand it from the perspective of each of the people involved.

    i have my own concerns, which i have expressed, but i can’t guarantee they are without prejudice.

    a few years ago i found myself in a very curious and complex relationship, having fallen in love with my male lover’s supposedly former girlfriend who was not in fact former at all. we struggled along for a few months, 3 intersecting pairs, until an assortment of issues drove me apart from her. since then, i’ve tried to stop myself from being too harsh about other people’s arrangements with the thought “who am i to be judgmental?”

    concern is fair. some polite wake-up calls are fair, maybe even an occasional “hey you all, stop and think a minute.” but do try to be respectful. if nothing else, when you attack people, they get defensive and don’t hear what you’re saying.

    after all, just thnk what nasty thing some people would say about us if they knew we were reading this blog…

  13. Sorry he i came off as an asshole. I did not mean it that way. Oatmeal girl is right, i guess did see my younger more naive self in there. I got fucked over alot. Just dont want to see anyone go thru the shit i did. But i did overstep. Sorry again.

  14. Richard, you say L is handling herself with style and grace. I won’t pretend to know it all but so far we have seen her castigate pixie in an ill tempered email in addition to her skewering her with questions as she knelt at your feet. How is that grace? I see a woman scared to anger her husband so she takes her anger out on your pixie. You let her and that disgusts me. It upset me to read you talk about her as if she is some saint to allow you to find yourself. If you lose pixie it will be your own fault for not protecting her and not acknowleding that pixie has had a lot to get used to too. I haven’t heard you recognize her struggle at all. Are things not different in her world too? Has pixie not been graceful in her forgiveness of L for the harshness of her words? You never acknowledged her style or what it must have takes for her to face L that night.
    Pixie, don’t you see that he is putting you far, far behind L? What is that doing to you?

  15. desireX, pixie knew when she started with Richard he was married. She KNEW of L for over 10 months. It’s not like she just found out he’s married.

    Richard, you may not have said the words except pixie or no marriage but to say to L I’m not giving her up… umm kind of the same meaning.

  16. Umm, I don’t think it is the same thing at all. His words were he was not giving up either of them. It puts the choice to live with it and quit bitching about it or walk away back on their shoulders. I am positive they both have many reasons for wanting to continue this relationship. L’s are more obvious. Pixie has other relationships like Liam too.

    L is an adult. She is not Richard’s submissive she can walk away or just put her foot down and say “This ain’t happening”. She hasn’t. Did you ever think that the idea of this is erotic to her too? That Richard having a sexy little sub that she can play with and interact with is not appealing to her.

    I see a shift here in the water. Does anyone else?

  17. Some thoughts:
    desireX, if you haven’t heard me recognize pixie’s struggle, then let me tell you directly that I understand it and help her with it and appreciate that she is working hard to help make this work. She has exhibited a level of maturity beyond her years. She too has exhibited grace and style. And let me add that both of them have maintained their sense of humor – being able to laugh at ourselves has kept us all sane.

    And trust me, L has not been averse to expressing her wants and needs to me, including her anger. And this is the second comment I have read where I somehow “let” L do something. You must remember that L is not my submissive and to suggest I ought to “control” everything she does is a little naive. When pixie got the email, I instructed her not to respond for 24 hours. About 24 MINUTES later, she replied to the email, and she IS the submissive, lol. So the level of control I have over these emotional events is less than optimal. We are all learning our way.

    Gemini-A, I am sure pixie appreciates your apology, but I don’t think you should assume that she is naive – young, yes, but a very self-aware, mature adult who has a lot of life experience, both positive and negative, that is not apparent here. I agree with you that Oatmeal Girl is right to remind us (as others have previously) that all pixie’s readers see the partial story here through the prism of their own lives. But that is the beauty of the comments – all the different perspectives, the different takes on the same events – that is what makes them useful to pixie, and to me, and probably to others as well.

    Lastly, I really appreciate the comments from those of you who have experiences in a poly relationship. They are helpful not only in the informative sense, but in the support sense – they help give me the strength to hold on and keep trying to make things work, even on those days when both sides seem to be collapsing in on me.

    Today? Well today pixie, L and I are all smiling! (Knock on wood again!).

  18. Richard, you are in the most difficult place you could possibly be. Navigating the emotional waters of two strong women…wow. I don’t envy you the task. Love, listening and taking your time should be the key for all three of you. There is no need to rush to respond. The situation will still be there with some time to fully sift the emotions….to take time for getting some additional perspectives like these comments hold. They are something to push against, to test if the feelings are passing or indicate an underlying boundary that needs addressing. And each of you in the end will need to set limits with each other in order to hold a safe place…even pixie. Accepting that is a part of the process.

    You’ll all do fine if you keep focused on loving.

    I deeply appreciate the story you are all sharing. I wish that my situation with M had ridden along these lines. I loved him so deeply….

    Its been very painful to let him go. What the three of you share is a very beautiful thing and I hope that the years bring you each joy and happiness.

  19. Nothing about your situation worries me, because it is what I expected, if not the way I expected it. I have read your latest post, “An Odd Sort of Change.”

    As I said, I can only feel sad for you.

  20. Sylvanus, is your sadness for pixie because you are seeing this through the prism of your own life (your blog suggests that might be the case) or is there something else going on that makes you feel that way – something unique to what you read here? And I know from so many comments that separating the two out might be impossible, but I thought I’d ask. Or maybe I’m asking if there is something we can learn from your experiences that might be helpful as we go forward?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s