I want to hang on to this feeling. THIS is why I am a submissive, THIS is the ultimate goal..the best outcome and THIS is why I know that I am getting what I need out of my relationship with Richard.
I am happy. So happy. I feel as if everything kind of snuck up on me almost overnight and blended quite nicely together. I feel settled deeply into my role as Richard’s submissive. It is such a real relationship. It merits respect. It is not traditional. It is not socially accepted. Yet it is real and it feels so wonderful. There are no doubts in my mind that I am precious to him. Loved by him…that he needs me. I see it all so clearly now….I am not envious of what my Owner has with his wife. Not anymore and there have been times where I was. I am not sure why that changed. I am sure it will sneak back in from time to time…after all I am a girl. 🙂 Yet I can wipe it away…I know I can.
I think some things have changed. We are evolving into something a little different than what we were. I am not sure what that is or what it all means I only know it feels as if something has changed. I feel accepted by L. I do not feel as if she is being forced to accept me or to care about me. And I do believe that she does care about me. We have had a few conversations that proved that to me. I wonder if we think alike a little bit. I told Richard and I may have even told L that I see myself deferring to her and offering her respect because of who she is to Richard. I would have never imagined that. It is a little confusing to me. I never saw myself as her equal in relation to Richard. She is his wife and I am his submissive, his pet. I love my role, I respect hers. I do not think she will ever actively participate in anything between Richard and I. I know she is curious. She has asked to see pictures of what we do. She is seeing the eroticism in it all but I know she is a long way from understanding what it means to be a submissive. We have made great leaps and I feel like there is the possibility of she and I becoming friends. Two women, both strong in their own way wanting to love and to be loved by the same man. Is that polyamory?
I will say again I am not sure where this is going. I do know I trust him to make these choices for all of us.
I trust Richard. I trust him more than I have ever trusted another adult. Isn’t that odd that I can say that without reserve, without question? How can that be so? Yet it is true. I wonder if he knows that?
I realized pretty early into my relationship with Richard that I had found something special in him. More and more I turned to him with questions..looking for answers, for guidance. Was that wrong? Should he have pushed me to stand strong on my own two feet? Yes…if I wasn’t a submissive. If I didn’t know, if he didn’t know that I needed that from him. I think that a man…not even a Dominant but any man can risk taking a girl and locking her away and not letting her mind develop. She will fail to grow. In my case…I have grown so much since Richard first walked into my life.
I feel almost totally all grown up in my mind. I have adult responsibilities and adult relationships yet a word from Richard can turn me into this trembling little girl that needs him so badly. He makes me vulnerable and allows me through that strong gift of submission to be weak. Time and time again he has spread layers of a moist calm acceptance over my mind. He takes away the chaos that threatens to shake me time and time again. I don’t know how he does it. I don’t know how his words, his voice, his presence can sooth me.
It’s about dependence sometimes I think. I remember the other night after I had spent about five hours completely under his care we stopped to have a snack before we went our separate ways on the Interstate. We walked in and he ordered my drink and asked me what I wanted to eat. I stood there and had no idea. It was so funny. I couldn’t make a decision…when I am with him I regress even while I move forward. He told me to go sit down and he would just get me something I liked. I walked over to the tables and just wandered back to where he was. I had no idea where we should sit. When he saw me walking back towards him he laughed at me and pulled me close to his side. He told me to just stand there with him, he told me I didn’t have to think. It is a silly example yes but I am amazed at what he does to my mind.
I have had 10 months of constant, consistent, positive discipline and guidance from Richard. He has reinforced my positive behavior…..my ability to make sound decisions when I am not in a submissive state and he has guided me away from negative behavior. He has been a sounding board for me…talking me through decisions regarding Liam or Jackson. He has provided me the pain I need to pull those tangled unruly thoughts together in my mind. It is lasting. I never knew, I could only speculate what it would be like to have someone to guide me and to help me grow and feel this way.
There is a place when I am cuddled against Richard that makes everything safe. I can tell him anything. He has never, ever judged me. And believe me I have told him some pretty dark secrets…secrets that I have hidden since I was very small.
I am feeling the change in myself. I am feeling the benefits of having him in my life more now than ever.