S/M

an odd sort of change

I want to hang on to this feeling. THIS is why I am a submissive, THIS is the ultimate goal..the best outcome and THIS is why I know that I am getting what I need out of my relationship with Richard.

I am happy. So happy. I feel as if everything kind of snuck up on me almost overnight and blended quite nicely together. I feel settled deeply into my role as Richard’s submissive. It is such a real relationship. It merits respect. It is not traditional. It is not socially accepted. Yet it is real and it feels so wonderful. There are no doubts in my mind that I am precious to him. Loved by him…that he needs me. I see it all so clearly now….I am not envious of what my Owner has with his wife. Not anymore and there have been times where I was. I am not sure why that changed. I am sure it will sneak back in from time to time…after all I am a girl. 🙂 Yet I can wipe it away…I know I can.

I think some things have changed. We are evolving into something a little different than what we were. I am not sure what that is or what it all means I only know it feels as if something has changed. I feel accepted by L. I do not feel as if she is being forced to accept me or to care about me. And I do believe that she does care about me. We have had a few conversations that proved that to me. I wonder if we think alike a little bit. I told Richard and I may have even told L that I see myself deferring to her and offering her respect because of who she is to Richard. I would have never imagined that. It is a little confusing to me. I never saw myself as her equal in relation to Richard. She is his wife and I am his submissive, his pet. I love my role, I respect hers. I do not think she will ever actively participate in anything between Richard and I. I know she is curious. She has asked to see pictures of what we do. She is seeing the eroticism in it all but I know she is a long way from understanding what it means to be a submissive. We have made great leaps and I feel like there is the possibility of she and I becoming friends. Two women, both strong in their own way wanting to love and to be loved by the same man. Is that polyamory?

I will say again I am not sure where this is going. I do know I trust him to make these choices for all of us.

I trust Richard. I trust him more than I have ever trusted another adult. Isn’t that odd that I can say that without reserve, without question? How can that be so? Yet it is true. I wonder if he knows that?

I realized pretty early into my relationship with Richard that I had found something special in him. More and more I turned to him with questions..looking for answers, for guidance. Was that wrong? Should he have pushed me to stand strong on my own two feet? Yes…if I wasn’t a submissive. If I didn’t know, if he didn’t know that I needed that from him. I think that a man…not even a Dominant but any man can risk taking a girl and locking her away and not letting her mind develop. She will fail to grow. In my case…I have grown so much since Richard first walked into my life.

I feel almost totally all grown up in my mind. I have adult responsibilities and adult relationships yet a word from Richard can turn me into this trembling little girl that needs him so badly. He makes me vulnerable and allows me through that strong gift of submission to be weak. Time and time again he has spread layers of a moist calm acceptance over my mind. He takes away the chaos that threatens to shake me time and time again. I don’t know how he does it. I don’t know how his words, his voice, his presence can sooth me.

It’s about dependence sometimes I think. I remember the other night after I had spent about five hours completely under his care we stopped to have a snack before we went our separate ways on the Interstate. We walked in and he ordered my drink and asked me what I wanted to eat. I stood there and had no idea. It was so funny. I couldn’t make a decision…when I am with him I regress even while I move forward. He told me to go sit down and he would just get me something I liked. I walked over to the tables and just wandered back to where he was. I had no idea where we should sit. When he saw me walking back towards him he laughed at me and pulled me close to his side. He told me to just stand there with him, he told me I didn’t have to think. It is a silly example yes but I am amazed at what he does to my mind.

I have had 10 months of constant, consistent, positive discipline and guidance from Richard. He has reinforced my positive behavior…..my ability to make sound decisions when I am not in a submissive state and he has guided me away from negative behavior. He has been a sounding board for me…talking me through decisions regarding Liam or Jackson. He has provided me the pain I need to pull those tangled unruly thoughts together in my mind. It is lasting. I never knew, I could only speculate what it would be like to have someone to guide me and to help me grow and feel this way.

There is a place when I am cuddled  against Richard that makes everything safe. I can tell him anything. He has never, ever judged me. And believe me I have told him some pretty dark secrets…secrets that I have hidden since I was very small.

I am feeling the change in myself. I am feeling the benefits of having him in my life more now than ever.

13 thoughts on “an odd sort of change

  1. does that sort of submisive head space worry you ever? what if he wasn’t there to guide you afterwards? how long does it last and how do you eventually come around?
    Richard, do you ever worry for her safety. Is there a point where she shouldn’t be expected to make decisons. Like even asking you to stop or saying she has had enough?

  2. Jade, yes I worry about this and take responsibility for it. I don’t rely on her to tell me to stop – I know it is my job to know when to stop.

    On the night in question (getting the snack), I had spent a fair amount of time with her at the apartment before leaving, and still – as I was following her – I concluded she really shouldn’t be driving yet. That is always my biggest concern – when is it safe to let her drive. Once there, it was just amusing to watch her look at the display case blankly and then look at me with a helpless look of “I can’t decide.”

    If there is pain involved, as opposed to just submission, I always try to leave at least an hour for recovery before I have to leave her. Better if we have an hour and then can go someplace normal for coffee or something. That really helps bring her back.

  3. Pixie, I love reading your blog, you inspire me in many ways. Say you’ll always write, for you help me understand so much about myself through your words. You are an amazing woman, so strong and articulate. I admire you x

  4. I am glad that Mali made her comment. I do not feel as if as much attention is paid to how you write. It is beautiful. It is honest and inspiring. You have helped me see submission as a strength. Yes pixiepie ‘promise’ you’ll never stop writing. 🙂

  5. Two women, both strong in their own way wanting to love and to be loved by the same man. Is that polyamory?

    Yes Virginia, this is polyamory.

  6. i think you mention a very valid, fine point here; one to which everything else sets upon and everything else can be answered by: “…any man can risk taking a girl and locking her away and not letting her mind develop. She will fail to grow…I have grown so much since Richard first walked into my life…”

    You and Richard acknowledge this and for me, what is more amazing is that Richard has taken the time to notice your needs… and that if, for any reason, should things change, he will also prepare you and walk you through it. However, for your best interest, let’s assume that things will remain blissful & lovely!

    i certainly hope so.
    (wow)

    You amaze me.
    –toy

  7. pixiepie,

    I do enjoy a lengthy book, wrought with a good plot, ideas, and drama. Realistic feminine expressions are so delightful. I am happy for your current emotional state. Basque in the light…

    admiration,

    -TFP

  8. thank you for the quick response Richard. I am all nervous and shy talking to you so be patient if I sound stupid. 🙂
    I was not questioning your ability to take care of pixie. I worry that she is alone after serving you. I have been there and I know the loneliness that can come when your dominant walks away from you after serving him. Especially when he walks away and goes to his wife or girlfriend.
    It can test the most devoted sub.

  9. Jade, there is no need to feel nervous or shy and you certainly do not sound stupid.
    The loneliness that can descend after we part is a problem – I know this. I don’t have a solution quite yet, but I recognize the problem and you are right: it does test pixie.

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