Richard · S/M

there

All of a sudden he was there. Conjured up from beneath all of the shared desires hidden away for so long…yet he was real. This time he was real, he had to be real. She could smell him; she could reach out and touch him. Her hands knew his hands just as his hands knew her body. His mouth was almost smiling at her and she found it hard to allow her eyes to meet his. He crossed the room towards her and she fought the instinct to meet him half way.  There was a deliberate slowness in the way that he moved, a look of lazy seduction that crossed over the fine features of his face. He was beautiful. He flashed darkness and heat and his eyes were a mix of snowy amber that had held on to parts of her from the first time they touched. They had collided again and again. His fingers were long and his body graceful. There was just something about him that she couldn’t get enough of…she couldn’t stop herself. There were times she would fitfully find sleep only to wake up hours later his name blending in her ears with the moans and sighs of where they traveled together in her dream. She was fanciful like that, at times she woke up and thought she felt him beside her, inside her. Only it was only heated girlish dreams that carried her to him, that put her body beneath his; that placed his hands on her flesh.

 

He held out his hand and beckoned for her to come to him. He motioned for her to kneel at his feet. He put her by his knee and his hand rested on her head. Fingers exploring her neck he pressed her head against his leg. She smelled him; breathed his familiar scent as she closed her eyes. Already she was his.

“Tell me little pet…” he said, needing to hear it before he took her, before he touched her. Before he hurt her…. “Tell me, who owns you?”

  

S/M

something to share

I had to share this email. It made me squirm. Second paragraph. Last sentence. Sigh…

Good afternoon, my pet,

Recently L has sent some email to you. On some of these I have later seen copies; on some I was blind copied. She wanted you to be able to Reply without feeling that I would see the answer. Yesterday I told her that you were entitled to privacy when I allowed it – I used the example of my requiring you to leave the bathroom door open (a rule that I cut you some slack on this weekend, for my own purposes – but don’t expect it to continue or assume I wasn’t noticing). In any case, going forward, if you wish to communicate privately with L, you will ask permission. If she inadvertently forgets to copy me on an email, you will send it to me and include me in any reply. In other words, I am giving you, as my submissive, the job of insuring that these communications get to us all.

This is not a criticism of either of you. L is still learning about your role (and has kept me in the loop); and I had not really set forth a rule about this for you, plus I know it would be easy to “Reply to All” without noticing that I was not on the list. I am really using this as an opportunity to show her that your role is one that is controlled by me in all respects, to the extent I choose to control it. I think that privacy is a very good area for me to help her understand your relationship to me and mine to you. It is total control where and when I choose to exercise it. I own you.

I do not object, by the way, to private communications between you. When you ask permission, it will probably be granted. I can see the value of the conversations the two of you had over the weekend!! Those conversations were the main reason Friday night turned into the wonderful Saturday we all had. I would encourage you to continue a dialogue, by phone and in person and through email and text. I just want to know about it when it is happening, and to the extent it is email I would like to be copied.

Each of you is, of course, entitled to and getting private communication with me. Right now I believe everyone is smiling! I cannot tell you how much bigger that makes my own smile today. There is no disappointment or reprimand in this email. It is just an opportunity to teach L about, and confirm in your mind, your role in my life and my control of you.

Love to you both,

R

bdsm · change · D/s · L · poly relationships · polyamory · Richard

white

Some days are assigned certain colors in my mind. Saturday was white. Odd, isn’t it? That my mind would recklessly paint an afternoon full of passion and heat….growth and acceptance with a color typically reserved for innocence and youth? Yet my mind surrounds the memories with white. It is a color that in my mind that pulls shadows from the darkness and forces us to see them. It is a color that relfects true self. Saturday was white.

When I think of Saturday I think of the long talks L and I had. I think of us sitting in white robes watching the day come to life outside our window as we talked about what brought us into each others life. I think of Richard behind us his long body folded across the bed half dozing yet keeping an eye and ear open for his wife and submissive chatting together.

The moments moved slowly and they crept around us without pressure or direction. It was a melted languid feeling where you think that every blink of an eye was recognized and charted. That is how slowly time seemed to move as we talked, as Richard napped and as the world opened to us behind the glass pane. The sheets around him were white, his shirt white. I wonder what he thought about as she and I formed words around feelings that were unthinkable even days before.

Did he know that our words would change the course of the day…did he know that even with all of the work he put into each of us preparing us for our meeting and the shifting of our roles that it would take the strength of two women together to make it all come together? Did he know we both looked back at him at the same time and smile and then look at each other as if to say….yes, I know you love him too. It was strange for all of that to be so open. She told me I was besotted with him and him with me. She said it didn’t scare her as much as it did before even though she saw it more and more. She held my hand as we spoke.

I wonder if Richard worried…did he fear she would hurt my feelings or I would say something to make her feel bad. Couldn’t he tell that we sensed the peace in the room and perhaps even in our minds we knew the afternoon wasn’t going to end bad….that we would take all of the feelings from the day before and convert it into something good?

After a while longer Richard joined us in front of the window. By now the sun was bright and it was warming the glass in front of us trying as hard as it could to erase the slight tint of gray that still haunted our sky. He hugged L and asked how she was. He pulled me against him and asked if I was alright. We both were. Just talking we said. He stepped back and left us alone for a few more minutes.

He began to photograph us from behind…the white light shining in behind us.

S/M

pink panties

““Don’t you know that you come with us wherever we go….you are in this little suitcase that is never too far away from Richard.”

My Owner sent me flowers this morning. A huge beautiful fairy tale bundle of flowers in a lovely vase adorned with a sheer pink ribbon. The card….a simple Thank You.

 

The simplicity of his words brought tears to my eyes. I was a little humbled that he was thanking me when the last 48 hours was full of all the things I should be thanking him for. When I think of this weekend I think of all the lessons learned. When I think this past weekend I think of smiles and tears and growth and a lot of love. What I learned about Richard, what I learned about myself and L and even what I learned about what makes us all human. Even Richard. (Yes…Richard is human…lol)

 

I spent the weekend with Richard and L. Friday I met them at a contemporary hotel in the city for our photo shoot. We were all so excited walking into the weekend. I of course was thrilled to be spending time with my Owner and learning more about my role with them as a couple. Of course at this point I wasn’t even sure if there was a role for me with them being a couple. I am secure in my role with Richard, as his submissive. And with L…the past few weeks we have worked to establish the fragile skeleton of a friendship between us. She is working to understand this entire thing. I think she gets it now more than ever what it means to be in this sort of relationship. I knew that this weekend would be a chance for L to see me being truly submissive to Richard.

 

It was agreed upon that there would be no sex between anyone so that was off the table. I was distressed a bit to realize that initially L was seeing the time together as her sharing Richard with me. I wanted to somehow have that converted in her mind to where it was Richard sharing me with her. I know how far off that is and I also know it may not happen but in my mind it would take the competition out between us that she puts between all of us. I didn’t want to go into this on an equal footing with her. It made me feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure how to take it….she is still learning about submission and dominance and ownership. I am still learning about her and how her knowing about Richard and I changes my role in his life and adds me to hers.

 

The photo shoot was fun. We laughed and talked a lot throughout. The pictures were not porn…they were tastefully erotic. We weren’t making out or touching each other…it was nothing like that. The photos were meant to be more of a documenting of the differences in our ages….the changes in our bodies etc. It was exciting and empowering and arousing. The pictures that Richard took Friday were wonderful. I love being photographed by him. I felt like I was performing for him. L was beautiful and I know she enjoyed herself too. It was playful and allowed us the opportunity to touch and be close with nothing fake in the way…we were simply two beautiful women being photographed by the man they both love and adore. There was a certain freedom in that. The freedom that really came without me having to hide how I felt about my Owner was an indescribable feeling. She has accepted my need of him and how he needs me.

 

After the shoot Richard made the announcement that we all needed to go to dinner. He didn’t feel as if we were ready for anything else…he didn’t think L was ready to witness him doing anything to me. We both argued with him a little. I think we were both at the point where we figured it would happen eventually and here we all were in this great room and we were all kind of mellow from the champagne. We should have obeyed Richard and trusted him. Friday night almost ruined the entire weekend. Lots of feeling surfaced on both sides and poor Richard…well I think he learned how difficult it is to take care of two emotionally needy and vulnerable women at one time. I remember at one point he said as he was stopping it…he said we both needed his full attention and he was unable to give it to either of us.

 

He spanked me in front of her. It wasn’t the spanking that bothered her as much as it was the affection he showed me. To me it was more of a demonstration at first but then he added some harder pain and a small taste of humiliation. It is hard to beg your Owner for something in front of his wife….but looking back it was pretty hot to repeat back to him that I was his cunt. I think she was more prepared for that and less for the tenderness he shows me throughout. The soft touches down my back and the kisses on my neck…stuff like that. And he toned it way down even. I am not sure how prepared for that she was. I know Richard told her that he was affectionate with me…that I needed that and he desired to give it to me but knowing it and seeing it is different. It really wasn’t a secret that he has strong feelings for me or that I ma obviously giving him something he needs. I know he has told her how he feels about me but seeing it in front of her still had to be hard. She and I had a conversation the day before on owning our own feelings. On being there willingly and not making Richard feel responsible or guilty if we were hurt or felt slighted. I don’t think she was capable of holding herself to that yet because she at one point directed a lot of anger at Richard. I will write more about Friday night later on. It just ended badly for all of us. Richard was forced to leave my side earlier than he ever would have and deal with what she needed and even then she felt as if what he was given her was being given to her because he felt obligated to give it. I know at one point I just wanted to point out to the two of them how they were obviously miscommunicating but I never did. I let them work it out on their own and by morning things seemed better. L and I prepared breakfast while Richard ventured out to get us all hot chocolate. We spent some time admiring our presents from Richard. He gave us both a beautiful pair of earrings so we would have something to remember from our first weekend together. The same gift yet so different….he knows us both so well and gave us both something that made us both so happy. He worried that he wouldn’t be able to tell me he loved me while we were with her so he told me whenever he touched his hair he was thinking of how much he loves me. He touched his hair a lot. 

 

L and I had the first of a series of really good conversations while he was gone. I realized that I was needed here and not just because I could give Richard something he needed. L needed to talk to me and I needed to hear all that she had to say. She listened to me too. And of course it all worked out for us…we are the only two people who can so perfectly understand each other. And I do really understand how she is feeling. I don’t like or agree with how she talks to Richard when I see him trying so hard to anticipate and met her needs. I am sensitive to that and I feel bad when I feel as if he is being disrespected. Still…she has a right to her feeling and for all that she is accepting I suppose Richard can tolerate a little crap from her right now. I think she knows that I truly care how she is feeling and that I want the two of them to be successful. I think she knows that. Oddly enough she wants Richard and me to be successful. She thanked me this weekend for what I do for him…what having me in his life has done for him and for them as a couple. She also said that she felt young again planning this weekend and she would do it all over. We validate each other and she recognized my relationship with Richard as something to be valued and respected. She told me how it made her feel to know Richard was thinking about what I needed even while he was with her. I told her how I felt to be placed into a highly submissive state and then left alone. She understood that. She talked about their upcoming vacation and I said that it would be good for them to get away for all this. She looked at me and said.. “Don’t you know that you come with us wherever we go….you are in this little suitcase that is never too far away from Richard.”

 

What do you say to that? I told her I was sorry. And she said for me to not be sorry that things were what they were and she understood why he and I need each other the way we do. She said I give him something he obviously needs and something she knows she never will give him. She said that I settle that part in him and he is happier for having me in his life.

 

Friday had some rocky moments. Saturday was mostly smiles and passion and laughs. I would relive Saturday a thousand times and only change things slightly. The best moment Saturday was after our showers…after Richard shampooed our hair and after he took dozens more pictures of us in towels and robes. L and I were feeling playful and sort of languid and the pictures were of us in white robes….towels on our heads in the rumpled king size bed. We were really having a good time and it somehow turned into this little…let’s taunt Richard with how hot we look. The pictures took a turn…nothing inappropriate. Just a bit more skin…a damp nipple here or there or a little cheek showing. Put that with her and me in bed together with an already frustrated Dominant man. He was literally groaning with every shot. It was great fun. 🙂

 

Finally he joined us on the bed and we sort of just lounged there. He was between us and there was way too much exposed skin for him not to let his fingers wander around. I turned on my stomach and L and I started to talk again. She had pink panties on beneath her robe and her skin looked so pretty against the fabric. I told her how pretty she looked and asked to take a picture of the fabric against her skin. I felt inspired and it hit me suddenly that she really needed some positive feedback from me. I tentatively began to touch her…just her neck and across her stomach and she wasn’t sure if she wanted it or not. All at once Richard reached over and asked to extend our stay one more night. It was such a funny moment…there we were an hour before our already late checkout and none of us wanted our time together to end.

 

It was still playful and fun and really all that comes next is a blur…ok not really a blur. I have seen it over and over in my head. We kept our promise that here was not going to be any sex between any of us. There were plenty of orgasms to go around. It was quite an experience and one that will come out in bits and pieces. Carefully and cautiously. I want to be respectful of the fact L is not aware of my blog and therefore she has not given her consent to be discussed here.

 

So there we were…learning and discovering together. It felt right and we all knew there was a risk one or all of us would walk away with regrets. We didn’t. A Friday photo shoot turned into a Sunday brunch….more amazing conversation and L and I found a new respect and admiration for each other. I realized she was able to add a dynamic to my life that would have been good for me even if there was no Richard. I know she struggles with liking me…in a way I struggle with liking her too. At first it was something I wanted to do to please Richard. I wanted to respect and befriend L to make this easier on him. Now I want to be close to her because it makes it easier on her.

 

After brunch and yet more champagne L and I asked Richard to leave us so we could talk some more. She has so much to say to me and just opens up…I do the same for her. And I found we talk quite openly about what we need and what we get from the same man. What a complex man he is….how is needs differ from me to her and how they all sort of circle around.

 

Finally we said goodbye. Late Sunday afternoon we said goodbye and they went their way and I went home. I was happy the entire way home. I started to feel the let down I expected after 48 hours of being submissive to Richard and all the experiences of the weekend. I missed them both. A lot…both of them. I pushed through the sadness and was almost feeling back to 100% happy when L called me. She called and invited me to meet them for dinner. I was shocked…are you sure I asked incredulous. After all she had not had Richard to herself all weekend other than the past few hours. Yes she said…we insist.

 

And so I did. I am so glad I did. I had more fun out with them at dinner than I remember having in a long time. We shared yet another bottle of really, really good wine and the conversation was fun and exciting and incredibly intoxicating.

 

Nothing is going to be the same now….and yet nothing has changed. I am still owned and loved by Richard. Tomorrow night is our time together just he and I. He is happier than he has ever been. He is very pleased with me. I am pleased with how this has turned out.

 

In my submissive head nothing is better than having my Owner pleased with me. Funny how having his wife pleased with me too ads to that mind set of being owned. In my mind it removed the competitive element and delivered me deeper into my Owners keeping. I can’t think of a better place to be. I am finding ways to carry that feeling with me even when he is not by my side and his hands are not on my body. There is such a sweet freedom in that for all of us I think. I want that because that is when I am truly owned.

S/M

punishment

I have backed myself into a corner. Literally.

Richard is not a believer in punishment. If you remember back on day one when I was still stepping past Mark and what he had me used to….I asked Richard for his rules. I needed to know what he expected of me as his submissive. After he wiped away the astounded look from his face he said he wasn’t into rules….he wasn’t into bratty subs and had only one expectation of me.

Instant obedience. He said the idea of me not wanting to please him and do what he asks without question would never cross his mind. That sort of set the tone and the standard for what would become Richard and pixie.

I am not the perfect submissive. No really…I’m not, honest. Needless to say Richard has had to punish me once or twice. Really no more than that…but when he does they are always so far removed from pleasure they do truly become punishments. There was the time he shut me away in the closet…and then a horrible physical punishment once that I will never forget. Funny how I have never tried to get him to punish me…I know that with Mark we played that game a little. It is different with Richard…not at all like a game and more about what I need and what makes us both tick.

This was the closest I had ever come to testing him to see if he would punish me. I have an online friend….koipx…who has commented here once or twice. We chat from time to time and every time we chat he asks to talk to me or say hi over my web cam. Richard always, always, always says no. At one time he allowed me to chat but then he took that away for the longest time…he loosened that restriction and allowed me to chat. Somewhere along the line we exchanged a cell numbers and the other night we had a brief conversation. I told Richard we talked. I realized that I wasn’t seeing if he would punish me. I was counting on him seeing through it…seeing through my need to get a reaction from him. I figured he would see it and think….oh no…she is needing a little extra attention. And then he would meet my need.

Major backfire.

Instead…he realized I think right away what I was doing and expressed his displeasure. I never expected that he would actually punish me. We sat there together on the bed.

“What, am I just supposed to let this go? Am I supposed to say…because you are so cute I can just ignore deliberate disobedience?”

“Well…”

“I am not going to let this go.” His voice was stoic. “I am going to punish you for this.”

My heart sank. Of course he would….what was I thinking. It brought him NO pleasure of that I was certain…I could tell. He is going to punish me.

Later it came out that he was thinking of punishing me tomorrow night right before the shoot. Oh why…didn’t he just do it right then…when I was still full of a little spunk and attitude? Now I see just how crazy wrong I was to tempt fate…to look to create something that he was already seeing.

So now I have backed myself into this corner and I am to be punished. Only now I don’t know when because he has decided to not punish me in front of L. To keep negativity out of the night for us all….so I have this punishment in front of me and I feel horrible about it. And what is worse now I have to wait.

What do I do…do I ask him to punish me tomorrow and get it over with so I can move ahead and go into tomorrow without any guilt? Do I just do what he asks and wait for my punishment that is sure to come sooner than later. I hate feeling this way. I need to let this go…it is filling up my head and I think I need to let it go but can’t until he takes it away from me.

But how do I do that? Is there anything worse than a real punishment other than waiting for one?

S/M

the beauty

Oh, the comfort – the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person – having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik

My thoughts exactly after spending the afternoon with my Owner. Why do i worry so much..why does my faith in him falter for no other reason than my own insecurities? And aren’t we both so lucky to come together and in a single shared breath all the doubts are gone.

The beauty of what I know as D/s was demonstrated today in it’s rarest form. Thank you my wonderful Owner for today and the whispered promise of all the tomorrows we can share.

S/M

quiet thoughts

I sat all alone on the bank of the Savannah River today watching the water swirl and the reflection of the geese overhead. There were colorful boats out on the water and a scene like that always takes me back to a happy moment in my life. Some of my favorite memories in my life have been on the shore of some ocean or the banks of some river.

It was a beautiful afternoon and I had some quiet time to myself. As usual lots to think about…but there was nothing troubling my heart at that moment. I was pleased to feel a sense of calmness around me that may have had as much to do with the southern sunshine warming my hair and the smell of new grass as the way so many things have fallen into place. I soaked that feeling in and thought about my Owner somewhere off with L for the weekend. I remember hoping they were having as pleasant an afternoon as I was. I realized that we were in a place where if I felt the need I could have picked up my cell and checked in with him. I didn’t need to and that made me feel good. I missed him though…and would have loved to talk to him. It was want not a need…so I left my cell in my pocket. One negative about the Richard…L and me saga is I feel like he and I do not have our own space anymore. Or not as much of it…..that makes me sad. I am trying to see the good in it all though. I also know that Richard and I have lacked the intensity of what we had and I wonder if that makes it easier to not miss him so much.

I just felt happy in the feeling of being Owned and that there weren’t any doubts in my mind about that….about him needing or loving or wanting me. I fingered the dainty little chain around my neck and again…felt a sense of calmness. It has not left my neck since the afternoon he put it on me. Funny how all this falls together. Right now we all have some other things going on that has taken our focus off of what we need from the other. Plus…we are all planning this photo shoot and that is being given a lot of attention. I am looking at it as a way for L and I to become more comfortable with the other and seeing each other with Richard. Plus…the idea is hot…and R is an amazing photographer. To pose and model for him is more erotic that I can even express…and then the fact that there will be two of us. L and I…so many feelings and I am a bit overwhelmed. Also…. it is a way I can please my Owner..and that is ALWAYS a good thing.

Oh…where was I? Being able to call him…yes, funny what a difference it makes to feel like he is accessible if I need him…not that the weekend rules have been lifted officially…but I got two or three emails this weekend from L. I just think if I had some crisis my call would not be met with anger. I obeyed the rule out of respect for them both. I will continue to respect their weekends together but what a difference it makes to be accepted and just knowing if I needed them they are there. Did I say them? I am confused about this…I feel as if I need a red dark line drawn for me somewhere. He is my Owner…yet I am talking and planning with her. It is odd…she sees and understands my relationship with her husband. He has touched me in front of her,,,,held my hand and touched my hair. She has smiled at me while he does this…yet I know she is still struggling. I also know now that some of this is erotic to her. I think it is exciting for her on some level. I am feeling good right now about all of this…. I can’t deny how months of consistent guidance and structure and love have made some changes in my life. Even for all the angst…and the uncertainty so much good as been done. I have grown so much.

I faced some challenges this weekend. Deliberately…I stepped into a challenge to see how I could handle it; to see if I was ready for something. I wasn’t. But I realized that I was strong enough to follow my heart’s lead and see the colors on the other side. I spent the weekend with Jackson…not the first time. But the first time where I not only had permission to allow him to make love to me but I almost thought I was ready. I am not ready…so I didn’t. And I feel good about that. I feel good that I was able to let him hold me and kiss me and touch me….and see his face and feel his hands and almost, almost be OK with it. I did feel a slight sense of betrayal…as if I am letting R down. I worry about that. I know that I have a way of placing men on pedestals….when I love I love with all of myself and where that can be positive it can also be negative. I did it with Mark….I do it now with Richard. I think that is the only two men I have ever been vulnerable enough with to lift them that high. I also think that is why all the Liam’s and Jackson’s of the world will never quite measure up…they will never quite hold on to all of me because of that. I tend to expect perfection and once I am let down I rarely forgive and let go. I know that about myself and struggle with it. It also hurts me deeply when those I hold up so closely to the light let me down.

I face challenges ahead still with Richard and L and even Liam and Jackson…but I think there are some things (and yes…I’m talking about the elephant in the corner) in my life that are quickly bringing everything else into perspective. I feel like I am cleaning out…like I need to throw out all of the old stuff in my head. It can sit there and clutter everything else up….it can ferment and mold and fill your mind and your soul with a poison. A poison that I do not have the energy to fight….poison like that can be my downfall. It is what makes me my own worst enemy and that is why I must shed it. It is why I am shedding it and leaving it behind me. I realize that I am going to need all my energy, all of my strength to push back against my elephant.

I felt an overpowering sense of love today for those people in my life that are most important to me. The ones who count on me and the ones I allow myself to count on and need so very much. I have learned from Richard that the very best people in life have the most amazing capacity to love…I never quite saw myself like that before. I saw love as almost a selfish thing…a curse at times. I think maybe cause one of the primary people in my life withheld it from me…I came to hate what I so craved. So I held it…and sometimes I still hold it just outside my own grasp. I think that is also why I require so much reassurance from those around me who love me. I am doing better now with all of this. I am learning and letting myself feel really for the first time in my life that I am worthy of all the love that is shown me. I like that. I know I will continue to struggle a bit. Even later this afternoon when my Owner called me he commented that I was still questioning why Jackson found me desirable. Sometimes even with Richard I will see the love in his face when he looks at me…and the strength in his voice as his words wrap around my heart and I fall just short of believing it is real.

Not much to say today…I just needed to record my thoughts. Writing…like the water makes it all so much better.

I feel like there is so much ahead of me….