I remember when it wasn’t as easy for me to understand my own submission. I was learning what it meant, I was confused about all the feelings I found inside myself. I knew, I always knew there was something missing. It was almost as if I wore a mask only I couldn’t see through it. There was this person inside of me that I truly wanted to get to know only I had been told to not love her, to not look at her or talk to her by the very people who should have protected and nurtured me. Surely she was damaged. I was shown how to reject her and treat her badly, to hurt her. Looking back now all of that makes me sad. I soon realized I could look at myself with warm eyes, with love even and didn’t have to continue to push her away.
I am not sure where finding my submission fits into my journey of self discovery. It is really only one part of what makes me whole. I used to not think as much about it. I suppose I didn’t realize I was seeking or trying to discover what was behind the mask. I became quite skilled at escaping myself almost as if I was eluding the truth of who I really was. I would watch her skip through the doorway just ahead of me, just out of reach. And I wanted so badly to reach her, to touch her. At the same time I was desperately trying to embrace facets of myself ….only there were days where I only wanted to escape. I struggled against what I really needed. I could never see myself the way others saw me..I am better at that now.
My thoughts, my feelings, my desire to feel things on a deeper level disturbed me. I remember being very young and realizing there were thoughts in my head that I couldn’t share with my girlfriends. Romance and boys meant nothing to me…I wanted a dark knight. A protector…a strong lover who could take from me what he needed and not be afraid to hurt me. I questioned why I wanted to be hurt. I questioned why when a man touched me did I not feel the soft caress across my skin, it was superficial and I needed something more. I looked for something more and I found Mark. Mark changed everything and I will always hold him in my heart for the gifts he gave me…one gift in particular. I think from the very first time he touched me, and this was years ago, I began the gradual lifting of the curtain that had fallen so heavy across my true desires. I learned from him that all I felt inside was alright…there were others like me, people who danced a bit on the edge of the fire. He showed me the fire.
It was only after I tasted that heat did I begin to realize all that I was. And that is was OK. My true essence was evident in all that I desired. I was shown, albeit briefly, a heightened realm of human emotion. It was a power exchange, pain, love, one that spoke and quenched a true mutual need. My mask was being dismantled…and there was a slight shift where my fascade was exposed. It wasn’t scary anymore. There was clarity, there was direction, there were days where my steps were sure-footed. I was so newly out of my childhood. Still innocent in my thinking and naive in my actions but I knew somehow that what he demanded and what I naturally offered was real. And although our time together so many years ago was brief it made a lasting impression on my life so that when we were finally reunited it all came back.
It was a new beginning. It was a time where I was able to make some major decisions on where I wanted and needed my own life to go. He guided me through the end of a relationship and gave me the courage to follow some dreams I had for myself, dreams I had put on hold for too long. His guidance gave me direction and the direction helped me to grow. His guidance eventually led me to Richard.
My first meeting with him was magic. Unexpected magic. I ran head first into the pleasure that his hands and eyes offered me. He started me on the journey to where I was able to see almost all of my life experiences as positive. Letting go of the sad one…..as I handed them to him to share in my pain. Holding tight to the good ones that will forever hold a place of honor in my heart. And teaching me that all of them shaped me into the person I am today. I tried, even with him, to escape some of my life moments. He didn’t let that happen. I found in the safety of his arms and in the warmth of his love I could not escape myself, I didn’t have to. There is a place that he and I form together that is safe. He holds my head against his chest…right beneath his heart and when I am there all of my whispers can be shared. I have shared so much. He has too. We do not judge each other. I surrender to him. I have more to share.
As I ran towards the pleasure I left so much pain behind. I have learned from him that only in true surrender can I find peace within myself. I have learned to see what is true, what is real and what to discard and let go. I have not only surrendered my body and my heart to Richard I learned that by surrendering the past I could find the present. I could revel in it and capture all of life’s moments…to hold on to pleasure for as long as possible. I have learned that there will always be struggles but they will not always be struggles of the soul. I also know that I won’t face them alone as long as I have Richard. I know the sky can still open up on me. I know that one day I will face great pain when Richard and I part ways. I also know that when the tears dry and the sky folds back in on itself the clouds will part leaving behind a healing sunshine. The brightness of the blue will not remind me of the tears I shed at our parting but of the color of the ocean we swam in together and the color of the sky that sheltered us. I will remember that all I had with him was good. Like a blue rapture….and everything blue can rarely survive for long outside the heart and outside the memory.
My submission does not define me anymore than the clor or the shape of my eyes do. It is but a part of me. A special part of me that was constructed early on I think by people I don’t want to credit with anything positive. I won’t explore that too much. It is what I do with it. It is how I define it, not how it defines me. I won’t be defined. I define it by giving it away. I define it by sharing it with Richard. By giving it to him and by letting him take it all. By feeling that strong current between us and going with it…have you ever felt that current? That magnificent, fantastic charge between two people who truly connect. Divine. I wonder sometimes where it comes from….and then where does it go when our hearts slow and we drift off to sleep? The red sparks that come off of my body when he touches me…when he hurts me…where do they go?
I reflect bravely tonight. I have just left the ocean…I sit here with sand still on my feet and pounding still in my ears. I am called to the ocean, I always have been. Tonight I sat on the shore of the Pacific for the second time in my life. I reflected on so much and tried so hard to find some answers. I found I was distracted….enchanted with this new ocean after spending so much time on the Atlantic. I hear a song in the crashing waves, a song that plays back anytime I need it to. A song that I can dance to and no one can turn it off or stop me from spinning. A cleansing rhythm that I crave just like I crave the strength that Richard gives me. Like him, it resounds through me. Like the warm sand I sink into his embrace and leave all the fears behind. I am never scared in the ocean. I will swim as far out as I can and give it all up to the pounding of the water around me. A lullaby, my own lullaby…maybe I never had that..may be when I needed it I never had it. I have it now. I hear one in the spirit of the sea and it is lulling to me. It is restorative and grounding..I need it, it is part of me. I hear it in my sleep. Like Richard’s voice. I hear it in my sleep and answer it’s call.