Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own. ~Harold Coffin
I had some visitors last night. My Owner and his wife stopped by to see me. THAT is a line I never expected to write in my blog. It was decided about halfway through the day that they would visit. The main reason is allowing she and I the time to bond, to get to know each other better and to learn to deal with seeing each other be the focus of Richard’s attention. I know that is hard for me….I am so used to being his focus when we are together that it is a hard transition for me to spend time with the two of them. I am required to not only share him but to restrain my need to to have his hands on me the entire time. It was good for me.
I am starting to like her. The feelings between the two of them are evident. They are closely bonded and they obviously love each other very much. I knew this before, yet I wondered how I would feel to be a part of that somehow. Would I be consumed by jealously, would I be sad or wistful or happy and aroused to see a deep love? Yes, I think my heart leapt across all of those emotions but didn’t linger for too long on any one feeling. I focused more on the look of satisfaction on my Owners face as he relaxed with both of us. He loves me too..of that I have no doubt and I am learning to focus on what I get from him…not what she gets from him. I am getting better at this. I am adjusting my need, my expectations and my heart to accomodate all the changes. It feels different to me in so many ways.
They brought over a bottle of wine and I poured the three of us a glass. While I was in the kitchen they got comfortable on my couch… I sat on the floor off to the side of L where I could see them both. It felt odd to be in the same room with her…oddly natural. 🙂 I was taken off guard by the lack of awkardness in this meeting. We were laughing and talking and it all seemed pretty relaxed. Before when we were all together there was always an undertone of angst as we were working through the newness of it all.
L and I had a lot to talk about even though there is a major generation gap there. We share some of the same passions…children and photography..Richard…lol. So there was a lot to say. We talked about submission and what it means. We also talked about being his wife and what that means. I think she needed to say somethings to me and last night gave her an open venue to do it. One of the things she said was that she was not giving up her husband. I realized the significance of what she said and why she felt like she needed to say that. I laughed gently when she said it and responded by saying… ‘what would I do with him?’ I meant it as a way to cover up the intensity of her words but I also needed her to see…and maybe even for Richard to see that I realize the impossibility of he and I being more than what we are. I also recognize the significance of what we have and in a way her saying that she is not giving him up is her saying she is not going to force Richard to give me up. I don’t mean to say that Richard and I will never have more than what we do as if I am settling somehow for less than what I deserve or want or even need from him. If I had to choose between being his wife or being his sub I would choose being his submissive.
She is clearly able to define in her head the difference between the two of us. I think that she is not afraid that I am going to someday run away with her husband. I think she wants and even needs to feel apart of what he and I share she is afraid of feeling left out. I understand that, even as I explore my own reservations I welcome the experience. I doubt it will ever be similiar to what Meg shares with Morgan and Andrew..meaning I can’t see her ever wanting to play a role in my discipline..etc. Still, just having her there with him is more of an acceptance than what I expected.
She has a slightly different outlook on submission and my goal is for her to see it as a strength and not as a weakness…or a character flaw. She hasn’t made either of those statements but I know she has trouble understanding why or how I can obey Richard explicitly. She said that he doesn’t tell her what to do…she says from a feministic point of view that generations of women before me fought so women did not have to be submissive to a man. I think she worries about me a little and that touches me.
I don’t have to be submissive to men. I am not submissive to men. I am submissive to Richard. I choose who I offer my submission to. That makes all the difference and from my side of the rope it all makes perfect sense. I can see where there is some ambiguity surfacing for her. In time I believe she will have a better understanding of what it all means. Part of our discussion was how we can make that happen. Whatever happens is going to be well planned and thought out with plenty of escape routes if it gets to hard on one of both of us. I imagine that one day she will see me be more submissive to him than just kneeling at his feet. I think one day she will be in the room when Richard spanks me or hurts me somehow. Right now I am treasuring every second where I have my Owner to myself…and that does not mean I regret her involvement. I just like what we had too..and it makes me sad a little to feel like it has changed so much even if the changes are for the better.
Richard explained to her my ability to eroticize being with the two of them. He realizes that when they are together and I am there my role as his pet…as his toy has never been more clearly defined. I like how all that makes me feel. I liked keeping a respectful distance from the two of them last night, I liked waiting for his permission to come sit by his knee and even the feelings that flooded me when the two of them touched. Their connection reinforced my own connection to my Owner. It made me feel accepted and safe somehow…cemented firly in not only my role as HIS submissive but validating my submission as a role deserving respect and space of its own.
L brought me a gift. A beautiful black night gown. It is short and sort of flirty…with a snug bodice and a flippy bottom. I was so touched that she would pick something out for me….that it was her idea even. Richard made me go try it on and she went with me into my bedroom when I did. I was not shy at all as I changed in front of her. Richard tells me she appreciates the female form…that she is somewhat of an artist and seeing me wouldn’t shock her. Plus I am certainly not ashamed of my body and I assumed this wouldn’t be the last time she saw me undress. We chatted as I changed and after a minute or so Richard followed us. She was standing behind me and started adjusting my straps. I realized this was the first time she had touched me. Her fingers were warm and soft on my skin. The overriding thought in my head other than ‘OMG my Owners wife is helping me try on lingerie that I am getting ready to model for him’ was that she was gentle. As she fixed the straps she talked about the size and how she thought I needed an extra small but was pleased the small fit me so well. She told me later that night that she wanted to like me…but I have a feeling she already does. I found that entire scene frustratingly arousing and Richard knows me too well because he asked me how I was feeling…he made me tell L how I was feeling. This sparked a brief conversation on how humiliation plays a role in my interaction with my Owner.
We went back into the living room and sat for a bit longer. Richard told me to come sit by him….the only spot beside him was between them so I sat on the floor at his feet. I know for her it was strange at first as I imagined her first thought was that all of a sudden I was between them but it really wasn’t like that at all. I also know that in order for this to work or go any further she is going to have to see it that way. Richard played with my hair and neck as we all talked. He pressed my head down on his knee and I was swept away in that warm feeling of everything being right. I was quieter as we all sat there and the conversation continued on between the two of them. I heard them kiss and he told her she was being strong. I was feeling a bit subby sitting there with my head on his knee…it felt good. It felt like I had found a place and settled into it.
I wish I knew what was going to happen next. Right now I am keeping myself looking too far ahead. Past tomorrow nothing really matters anyway…tomorrow I spend the afternoon with Richard. Just he and I. I need that more than I ever have. I just need to give myself to him…it is the surrender that I crave right now. I need to have my own role in his life reinforced by seeing what it is I provide him…by reminding myself of the connection that we have and not feeling inadequate because of what we do not.
It’s been a long day and Liam is on his way over. I don’t talk to much about him anymore. Remember he has been out of the country. Well…he is back and is deserving of some answers. He wants a future together…I don’t. Not now..maybe not ever. I need to say that to him tonight but I feel my resolve weaken. I forget until I see him how he makes me feel….how I have the chance to sit ‘on’ the couch with a man who will love me forever…and only need me. I could be enough for him I think. Something I will never be to Richard. But at what cost?
So much to think about.