What am I doing?
Sometimes I come face to face with myself and force myself to answer some questions. Today I did just that. I am not sure what is happening here. One day I am eager and adventurous and the next I am scared and holding back. I have lost the part of my submission somehow that converts….I am finding that pain is true pain and the emotional side, well it is tearing me a part. I am trying to do as I am told..to meet the expectations that he has. I am following my body responses and admitting all the changes are erotic and appealing…but that something doesn’t feel right too.
I saw Richard today and for the first time I couldn’t wait for the meeting to end. I felt different with him today. I didn’t know why then and I don’t know why now. I wish I did, I would feel better. I found no comfort in his embrace or in his words today. I walked into the room and felt pain, sadness and resentment. His fingers felt foreign on my skin and I felt flawed…damaged and hurt when he touched me. I didn’t know why I was there or what my purpose was with him. Right now I feel confused. I feel like I am unknown to him all of a sudden and he doesn’t need or want to rediscover how this has changed me.
I am standing in this fog of what I am allowing myself to feel..what I am allowed to say and need and want. I am trying so hard to be a good submissive to Richard, to please him that I feel I have lost track of why I am even in this relationship. I have tried so hard to be strong and walk this line of submission. I want to please him. I don’t want him disappointed in my weakness or inability to do what he asks. I am devastated this second because I let him down today.
All of a sudden what I have with Richard isn’t about Richard and I, it isn’t about him supporting and guiding me…it is no longer about him teaching me and opening up new experiences. I feel like the entire focus of what we had has shifted. I feel overloaded and crowded out…I feel as if I am letting him down with my every thought. It is about finding a comfort level for L now…teaching her about me and D/s and that is good but I don’t feel good about it all the time. When we are all together, like the other night I felt really good. But today when it was Richard and I all alone it felt different and I don’t know why.
It isn’t bad..not all bad anyway….is it just different? Am I just a jealous spiteful needy sub who when it truly comes down to it can not meet the needs of her Dominant. I failed him today. I fought him, I disobeyed him and I realized that part of me was asking if it even mattered. For today anyway I lost that feeling of need…the feeling where I knew that my purpose was to please him. That scared me and left me questioning why.
I miss what we had. I miss him and the small safe world we created together over the past several months. Now I feel as if he has lost control of that world. I feel as if parts of myself are being lost in the shuffle…in the transition. I am scared of what that means. I do not want to end what we have…I want this to work. I do. I want to press forward and see where this goes. I know how Richard feels about me. He loves me and wants me happy. He made me very sad today and I felt a sliver of myself break away. I didn’t like that, it made me sad.
There has been some talk about the next step. Some preliminary discussion about where we go from here. L feels left out of what I share with Richard. Richard feels compelled to educate her on D/s, BDSM….etc. They are both into photography and Richard is expecting me to join the two of them for some photos. And then what he asks…knowing that the session will undoubtedly arouse all of us..what happens then. We have all discussed it. L is surprisingly open to experimenting..to seeing Richard and I interact. Again…I am conflicted. The idea is arousing….it is an opportunity to please Richard, to explore my own sexuality a bit more too but it sits funny around my heart. It doesn’t feel right.
I am not lost on the fact that Richard’s main focus will be on L. She will be seeing her husband with another woman for the first time…with a woman he loves. Plus she will see the sadistic side of her husband. A lot for her to take in. And what about me? I am asked to share my experience..to share my submission and what it means with another. I feel as if I am just holding this together right now and I told Richard tonight that anything bigger could possibly surpass what I can submit to. I failed him. Why am I even questioning him? I trust him to not ask me to do what I am not capable of doing, right? He told me today that I am trying to do his job. Maybe he is right. My steps right now feel tentative as if I am walking on something that could shift and crack at any moment. A weakness on my fault, a flaw in my submission and I am left knowing Richard deserves better.
He told me that yes things are different now. He knows that. He says that the differences are better than the alternative…and that would be he and I not seeing each other again. I almost believe that. Tonight, right now I am not sure. Yesterday and maybe even tomorrow my feelings may be different.
Today was awful. We were talking about what it would be like if after the photo shoot if one thing led to another…what would it be like. I told him that the idea was incredibly hot to me…..spending time with my Owner and his wife is erotic. I can’t help it, it just is. But there will be pain for me. This is what I am worrying about. There will be pain for her, there is no way out of it. So why then is this idea even a little appealing? Why is L even considering it? I am afraid that we will go halfway into ‘something’ and she will meltdown and then it will be over and we will all walk away feeling bad. Except they will walk away together and I will go home alone…and can I set myself up for that?
He said some things that really hurt me and I am sitting here tonight hating myself for showing him how I felt.
His needs have changed. I am not what I used to be to him. I really just wanted my Dominant today and I didn’t want to discuss anything else…I just wanted it to be the two of us and all of the intensity of what we had. The focus is all over the place…how can I be expected to maintain my focus and stay strong in my submission when I can’t get back into a routine? He started telling me as we both made the quick drive to the apartment that he needed to be extra sensitive to her if we all met. I asked what that met and he said that he wouldn’t kiss me in front of her. He said he and I wouldn’t be intimate sexually in front of her….I didn’t want that anyway but it was the kissing that sort of threw me. I don’t want one set of expectations when we are alone and another when we are with her. How is that being open and honest and keeping it real? Isn’t that the point of all of this angst…to keep it all open? And who is protecting me? He’ll do all of that to her in front of me…..as the pet seeing my Owner happy should bring me pleasure. I wonder if that will be the case. I guess I won’t know unless it actually happens. I just feel torn…and so let down. And I miss him, I really miss him and what I was to him. I feel like a shadow of that now.
And where do I go from here? Do I follow that streak in me that says I need to find a place for myself with someone else….do I step into this and see where it goes. I love him, I am his..so is this just a snapshot….a moment of weakness or is it my soul telling me that this type of relationship is not going to work for me? Is it time to seek a new Dominant..or devote myself to the success of one of the relationships that I haven’t given all of my energy to. I just don’t know.
Today…right now I want to build faith back in my Owner…I need to find what I lost and figure out what that is exactly. I feel scared right now and unsure. Help me with this…where do ? go from here and why does it look light one day and so dark the next.