small sacrifices

What am I doing?

Sometimes I come face to face with myself and force myself to answer some questions. Today I did just that. I am not sure what is happening here. One day I am eager and adventurous and the next I am scared and holding back. I have lost the part of my submission somehow that converts….I am finding that pain is true pain and the emotional side, well it is tearing me a part. I am trying to do as I am told..to meet the expectations that he has. I am following my body responses and admitting all the changes are erotic and appealing…but that something doesn’t feel right too.

I saw Richard today and for the first time I couldn’t wait for the meeting to end. I felt different with him today. I didn’t know why then and I don’t know why now. I wish I did, I would feel better. I found no comfort in his embrace or in his words today. I walked into the room and felt pain, sadness and resentment. His fingers felt foreign on my skin and I felt flawed…damaged and hurt when he touched me. I didn’t know why I was there or what my purpose was with him. Right now I feel confused. I feel like I am unknown to him all of a sudden and he doesn’t need or want to rediscover how this has changed me.

I am standing in this fog of what I am allowing myself to feel..what I am allowed to say and need and want. I am trying so hard to be a good submissive to Richard, to please him that I feel I have lost track of why I am even in this relationship. I have tried so hard to be strong and walk this line of submission. I want to please him. I don’t want him disappointed in my weakness or inability to do what he asks. I am devastated this second because I let him down today.

All of a sudden what I have with Richard isn’t about Richard and I, it isn’t about him supporting and guiding me…it is no longer about him teaching me and opening up new experiences. I feel like the entire focus of what we had has shifted. I feel overloaded and crowded out…I feel as if I am letting him down with my every thought. It is about finding a comfort level for L now…teaching her about me and D/s and that is good but I don’t feel good about it all the time. When we are all together, like the other night I felt really good. But today when it was Richard and I all alone it felt different and I don’t know why.

It isn’t bad..not all bad anyway….is it just different? Am I just a jealous spiteful needy sub who when it truly comes down to it can not meet the needs of her Dominant. I failed him today. I fought him, I disobeyed him and I realized that part of me was asking if it even mattered. For today anyway I lost that feeling of need…the feeling where I knew that my purpose was to please him. That scared me and left me questioning why.

I miss what we had. I miss him and the small safe world we created together over the past several months. Now I feel as if he has lost control of that world. I feel as if parts of myself are being lost in the shuffle…in the transition. I am scared of what that means. I do not want to end what we have…I want this to work. I do. I want to press forward and see where this goes. I know how Richard feels about me. He loves me and wants me happy. He made me very sad today and I felt a sliver of myself break away. I didn’t like that, it made me sad.

There has been some talk about the next step. Some preliminary discussion about where we go from here. L feels left out of what I share with Richard. Richard feels compelled to educate her on D/s, BDSM….etc. They are both into photography and Richard is expecting me to join the two of them for some photos. And then what he asks…knowing that the session will undoubtedly arouse all of us..what happens then. We have all discussed it. L is surprisingly open to experimenting..to seeing Richard and I interact. Again…I am conflicted. The idea is arousing….it is an opportunity to please Richard, to explore my own sexuality a bit more too but it sits funny around my heart. It doesn’t feel right.

I am not lost on the fact that Richard’s main focus will be on L. She will be seeing her husband with another woman for the first time…with a woman he loves. Plus she will see the sadistic side of her husband. A lot for her to take in. And what about me? I am asked to share my experience..to share my submission and what it means with another. I feel as if I am just holding this together right now and I told Richard tonight that anything bigger could possibly surpass what I can submit to. I failed him. Why am I even questioning him? I trust him to not ask me to do what I am not capable of doing, right? He told me today that I am trying to do his job. Maybe he is right. My steps right now feel tentative as if I am walking on something that could shift and crack at any moment. A weakness on my fault, a flaw in my submission and I am left knowing Richard deserves better.

He told me that yes things are different now. He knows that. He says that the differences are better than the alternative…and that would be he and I not seeing each other again. I almost believe that. Tonight, right now I am not sure. Yesterday and maybe even tomorrow my feelings may be different.

Today was awful. We were talking about what it would be like if after the photo shoot if one thing led to another…what would it be like. I told him that the idea was incredibly hot to me…..spending time with my Owner and his wife is erotic. I can’t help it, it just is. But there will be pain for me. This is what I am worrying about. There will be pain for her, there is no way out of it. So why then is this idea even a little appealing? Why is L even considering it? I am afraid that we will go halfway into ‘something’ and she will meltdown and then it will be over and we will all walk away feeling bad. Except they will walk away together and I will go home alone…and can I set myself up for that?

He said some things that really hurt me and I am sitting here tonight hating myself for showing him how I felt.

His needs have changed. I am not what I used to be to him. I really just wanted my Dominant today and I didn’t want to discuss anything else…I just wanted it to be the two of us and all of the intensity of what we had. The focus is all over the place…how can I be expected to maintain my focus and stay strong in my submission when I can’t get back into a routine? He started telling me as we both made the quick drive to the apartment that he needed to be extra sensitive to her if we all met. I asked what that met and he said that he wouldn’t kiss me in front of her. He said he and I wouldn’t be intimate sexually in front of her….I didn’t want that anyway but it was the kissing that sort of threw me. I don’t want one set of expectations when we are alone and another when we are with her. How is that being open and honest and keeping it real? Isn’t that the point of all of this angst…to keep it all open? And who is protecting me? He’ll do all of that to her in front of me…..as the pet seeing my Owner happy should bring me pleasure. I wonder if that will be the case. I guess I won’t know unless it actually happens. I just feel torn…and so let down. And I miss him, I really miss him and what I was to him. I feel like a shadow of that now.

And where do I go from here? Do I follow that streak in me that says I need to find a place for myself with someone else….do I step into this and see where it goes. I love him, I am his..so is this just a snapshot….a moment of weakness or is it my soul telling me that this type of relationship is not going to work for me? Is it time to seek a new Dominant..or devote myself to the success of one of the relationships that I haven’t given all of my energy to. I just don’t know.

Today…right now I want to build faith back in my Owner…I need to find what I lost and figure out what that is exactly. I feel scared right now and unsure. Help me with this…where do ? go from here and why does it look light one day and so dark the next.

20 thoughts on “small sacrifices

  1. Pixie I feel for you sweetie I really do. Firstly I would say you haven’t failed Richard, if you are failing anyone you are failing L. You are right to be scared of the 3 of you together, my guess is Richard will leave with her if she becomes upset and wants to end it and if I were you it would break my heart to go home alone like that. The only advice I can give that is worth your time is listen to your soul, think of your future.

    Life is light, life is dark , I see you shine eternal spark.

  2. *Big Hugss* to you as you work this all through pixie.

    i read you faithfully, and well, rarely feel i have anything useful to say.

    But this one, just sounded to me like you could use a hug. i’m sure you could use clarity as well. i hope that comes quickly for you.


  3. Perhaps it does this as you are really realising and coming to terms with the fact that L truly does come first and you come second. And that although you are both a part of Richard’s life, and he loves you both, you and L are not equal priorities in his life.

    As noble as Richard is, trying to ensure that you both have equal parts of him, you do not, you see him less, you spend less time with him and you both have very different relationships with him and at the moment, from your posts, your relationship with him seems very L orientated and not Pixie orientated, which is hardly fair is it?

    Does Richard ever say that, for example, he is not going to do something with L as he knows this will upset you? Using your example, kiss her in front of you? Does he not do things with her that he knows upset you?

    To me, and this is totally my opinion, these days you seem to be having more unhappy snapshots than good ones. A lot more.

    I too hope you find clarity and I am sending you good wishes.

  4. You say you don’t understand why you have all these feelings. That one day things are great and the next, things are dark and painful. Pixie, you are a submissive, but you are not void of feeling and thoughts. You are not Richard’s mindless submissive vegetable. I don’t think he would enjoy you if you were. Take away all the layers of your submission, and in the end you will find you are a human being… more specifically, a woman. You are not in an easy situation. Any woman, no matter what kind of relationship she is in, would have trouble dealing with a 3rd. If Sylvanus and I were to bring a 3rd into our bedroom, even if it was for casual vanilla sex, there will be things I hated about it and loved about it. I am woman after all, and I will get jealous seeing him with another. My point is Pixie… you are too hard on yourself. YOU ARE HUMAN. Sure, maybe tomorrow you feel like you are on cloud 9 again.. or maybe these feelings will stick around. Yes, things have changed between you and Richard. It is no longer about you and Richard. Now it is about figuring out if the 3 of you can make it work and be happy. And yes, if you choose to allow L to observe you and Richard together, be prepared for things to end abruptly and be prepared to know that he will be going home with her.

  5. Three can be fun, but it can also be a difficult number for intimate scenes. You are right, L might melt down. But I think it’s just as likely that you might melt down, if it doesn’t feel right to you. You have to take care of yourself. By taking care of yourself, you are taking care of your owner’s precious property.

  6. Just to address Mina’s post, I disagree that any woman would have a problem with a 3rd. My Dom and I regularly play with another woman. It’s really hot when it works, and I find that it enhances my submission to him. I don’t feel jealous because we only play with others together. However, this topic is timely for me because I am feeling a little “off” this week in my submission, and I have asked him if we can postpone our weekend plans with her. Everyone has to be into it, or it can really be a disaster.

  7. pixie, of course you are hurting. your earlier posts from the summer are all full of you and Richard growing together and him being YOUR teacher. Now he is teaching another and using you as the example. He rarely comments here anymore and we have no idea how he is feeling or what he is needing or expecting from you. Yes things are different and I agree with one commenter above that YOU are bing too hard on yourself. You are his submissive but are you really still? You aren’t seeing him as often. Are your needs being met not just as a sub but as a woman? Does he care? It seems like he has two people devoted to meeting his needs. He is meeting L’s needs, he goes home to her every night. He wakes up with her every morning. ANd yet YOU feel guilty and are made to feel guilty for that small insufficient amount of time you receive. How old are you? In your twenties, your early twenties I would say and sex once a week is to be enough for you?
    Of course things have changed pixiepie. Follow your heart.

  8. Settle your heart pixie and look to your owner for guidance and strength. He loves you and you do have a place with him. Maybe you are both just figuring out what it is.

  9. Dear Pixie,

    I believe what your feeling is very normal things have been changing in a fast pace as of late you’re trying to get your footing on solid ground.Perhaps you can ask Richard to slow it down a bit and let you take a deep breath continue meeting L just slow down the train on L watching the both of you. As far as Richard not kissing you in front of L this one disgrees, it’s not fair to you Pixie and its not fair to L..either show her the truth of your relationship or not all otherwise it does a disservice to both you and L. By all means do tone down the scene , no cutting and such as that for it will be the first time L is seeing this side of her husband up close and personal..But not to kiss and show you the affection the way he does when you are alone isn’t right ..L should be shown the full picture..As far as you coming second place next to L it’s not such a bad place to be Pixie if you
    feel loved wanted and needed ..
    As far as L melting down lets hope that doesn’t happen, in case it does happen is there a trusted friend you can have close by if Richard has to leave ? I hope my humble opinion helps you in some small way… *great big hugs* and good luck!

    His fawn

  10. Hi there….This is speeding along a bit fast pixie….It is no wonder you are doubting and feeling so insecure.

    You asked for feed back…? My two cents for what its worth…

    I really think that each couple in this situation needs to settle in to a point of security and routine before there’s anything sexual going on on a threesome level. Its just a tinder box….and it could seriously hurt all concerned. It is just terribly unwise at this point. Its only been a few weeks now. Several months of time is what’s wise pixie…

    And the three of you together should be done with limited time…Because its the two couple relationships that need the focus and attention and that’s where the trust for a threesome will come from…not from familiarity with each other as a threesome.

    And my opinion is that it should remain platonic indefinitely. If the two of them want to experiment with a third party in their marriage on a sexual level it shouldn’t be with a submissive to start with. There are some huge hurdles for the two of them to deal with in their marriage and it should not be done with a person who is supposed to be surrendered in the situation. You will simply not be safe in that situation right now. It doesn’t matter how Richard handles it. They have to get this stuff out of the way before they involve you. I know you want to please him, but this is one of those times when you need to set a boundary with him. It doesn’t have to be a permanent boundary…just in place long enough for them to work on some stuff that really you should be left out of because there’s just no way to make this part safe for you because its her feelings that simply have to take priority in a threesome situation and frankly any time its true that her feelings have to be priority, you shouldn’t be involved because you are the submissive. If you were an equal partner, then it would be different. You could advocate for yourself. So long as you are in the situation where submitting is required of you, its your needs that must be seen to.

    He cannot be there for both of you at the same time, nor in an equal manner.

    And he is equally responsible to the both of you to be there for you unconditionally…Instinctively you know that…and you feel let down by him.

    Until you ‘both’ (you and his wife/you and Richard/Richard and his wife) feel safe enough with each other emotionally that neither of you need him to protect you, its not right for him to involve you in anything that requires you to perform in front of her.

    And to be absolutely clear…he’s new to this dynamic. There’s alot to think about here. I’m not criticizing him. I’m pointing out something that likely didn’t/hasn’t occurred to him, but most certainly will when he’s had more time to consider things. And that’s the biggest reason to give this months, not weeks. It takes time to process all this. Even if you think things are being processed well….time needs time. There needs to be repetitive events that prove the emotions match the actions for all concerned.

    That’s how you’ll all feel safe. And until all of you feel utterly safe and comfortable with everything involved in this, its not time to proceed or change or challenge anyone. The slowest in the bunch is the one who sets the pace for this. That’ s the cardinal rule in polyamory. If anyone pushes past that, its harmful to trust. Period. And submission has nothing to do with this. This is a relationship issue, not a submission issue….and its unwise to treat it any other way.

    I hope you can see that….and I hope you’ll find the courage to discuss this with him from this perspective and not from a submission perspective.

  11. I just wanted to chime in in response to the comment that you don’t hear much from me anymore, to say that I have been more focused on dealing with the volatility of two women than I have been on commenting on pixie’s blog.

    What you see here, the ups and the downs, are duplicated by L on the other side. Oh, did I mention that some days I myself am insanely happy and other days I am completely depressed and/or discouraged? Now who called me a lucky bastard?…. 🙂

    Yesterday was not a good day – pixie and I did not have a good day. And it spilled over to L. And at the end of the day, while I sat and listened to the two of them talk on the phone for an hour, I did not feel significantly better, except that they were talking and agreeing with each other, which I suppose has to be good.

    Did someone say slow down? No, not just soeone, but many people are saying it, including L and pixie. So we are.

    I could go on, and there are comments above that deserve my attention, and I just can’t right now. We are all working. And you don’t know the half of it. So I hope you can be patient if you’re wondering what I am doing about all this. Right now I just got off the phone with pixie and said I’d call on her other phone in a few minutes. So don’t hold your breath waiting for me to show up here, lol.

  12. Greenwoman, I was writing while you were commenting and thank you for that thoughtful comment which I am going to read several times more for sure.
    I think you just added yet another “slow down”. Good advice.

  13. I just want to echo what everyone else has said.

    Follow your heart, and take care of yourself.

    You are a special person!


  14. Pixie and Ricard,

    I just wanted to add that Master and I have been in a poly relationship for a few years now and why it works so well for us and our 3rd is because we(with our 3rd) have set aside time to have a no holds barred meeting once a week. I can’t tell you how much this has help us work out our problems or fears allowing each of us to understand where the other is coming from..

    The rules are simple ..respect each others feelings , allow the person to voice them without interruption and don’t brush them aside.
    Then talk about what we all can do to make these fears or concerns lighter to the one with them.. you may be surprised how well these meetings work. By getting everything out in the open it frees us up to enjoy the loving ,playtimes without the buried resentments and hurt feelings…
    I hope this helps you a little…

    His fawn

  15. Hi Pixie dear. *warm hugs to honey*. Been reading your blog for almost a year now. Now seems like a good time for me to come out of the closet and comment. You are an exceptional writer. Very articulate. Please don’t be angry with yourself for your feelings and emotions. They are there to guide you in a way. And to protect you. Time heals all. Take care and i hope it all works out for the best.

  16. Hi again. I meant warm hugs to you pixie. Sorry, i am a crappy typist without spellcheck. I will proof read next time.

  17. *Smiles and waves to Angie* I don’t think pixie minds..and don’t be so hard on yourself.. I just notice I mispelled Richard..Sorry Richard.. jeez

    His fawn

  18. We are all assuming if L had a meltdown that Richard will leave. Has he not proven himself a better Dom than that? I imagine leaving a distraught pixie would not his first thought.

  19. pixie, i call them as i see them and my advice is not going to be to slow down. it is going to be to pull yourself away from this unhealthy relationship. i am a submissive yet my D validates my feelings and he is my protector. are you feeling protected? loved? cherished? or are you feeling the strain of pleasing too many people on someone else’s timetable. submissive does not mean doormat, you have never been one- do not start now. Richard, there is a day in the near future when you are going to have to see if you are damaging the spirit of your pixie. do you really want that? are YOU doing what is best for her or for yourself and L?

  20. Sweet pixie girl…
    You ask for our thoughts, and I offer up these…

    (soft smile) you are having a difficult time little
    one. I’d like to offer a different kind of advice for you. And that is more for your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being.

    I would like to say a bit about being aware of the massive amounts of buffeting energy that you have been exposed to you over the past couple months. I am a Reiki Master and energy worker.. and I am very aware of how energy can smack people around when e-motions run high. Be aware that other peoples ‘energy’ can stick to you.. and affect your emotions and make you feel very unbalanced. Like on a see-saw.. up and down, up and down. (sound familiar?) And it is cumulative.. it ads up if you don’t’ make sure you get rid of it.

    Yes.. you are submissive.. but…you have many facets that are all affected by what’s going on in your life right now.

    Take deep, slow breaths… ground yourself as best you can. Some favorite music that is reassuring it also good to help you get a grip on yourself. Being as centered and calm as you can be during the most challenging situations that you find yourself in will help keep you feeling a bit more balanced. If you feel overwhelmed sometimes, a simple thing you can do is sit on the ground and place the palms of your hand on the ground. Then envision all that extra high emotion flowing out of you and into the earth to be healed. When you find yourself in situations with Richard and L in particular this can help a lot. The fact that he often has you on the floor will give you a good opportunity to do this.

    In addition to what you are doing.. I would offer this suggestion.. take long cleansing showers when you find yourself feeling more overwhelmed and emotional. Visualize all the energy that you’ve been covered in after each encounter.. and then wash it all conscientiously off and envision it going down the drain. Then you are fresh and clean, with only pixie in your space for a while.

    The emotional whirlpool that you have found yourself swirling around is more then enough to confuse anyone. As I have commented before, you are the only one who can truly decide what is best for you.

    As for the submissive parts of you feeling lost and not at the current center of things with Richard right now within the context of L learning about D/s. I suppose that depends again, on your perspective and if this is something you feel you can live with. Perhaps if you were to look at all this as another form of being ‘trained’ by Richard… a different kind of service to be sure.. but tis still, a form of service none the less. And at this point.. a very important service. See if you can find some of your submissive nature in this different service to him.

    I do somewhat have to agree with other commenter’s on the issue of the kissing. Your relati0nship is what it is. And indeed…if L desires to know of it’s trueness, then all those most intimate emotional aspect are a huge part of it. Just as you need to ‘deal’ with her being there and learning.. then if she really does want this to continue as she says.. then she accepts and wants to participate in ‘watching’.. then she needs to ‘deal’ with the kissing aspect.

    On a final note… from those of us out there that are in poly relationships (Myself, Persephone, His fawn – I am sure that there are others) it can work out wonderfully and be very rewarding. I suggest that you don’t make any rash decisions..

    and.. just (as everyone else says)
    Take it slooooow!!!

    Wishing you all the best,

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