my dear pixie,
I am compelled to write to you about your last post, the one describing the horrible meeting we had this week. In part I write to clarify things in my own mind; in part to give you some guidance for the future; in part to let you know what I am thinking about our immediate and long-term future. I know you and I both realize it was yet another “snapshot” and that we have already discussed it. I know that you and L have had much discussion about some of the issues you addressed in your post. I know that there are a lot of moving parts, all whirling about us at high speed, faster than we can absorb them. But I still think this exercise will be useful for both of us.
First, we agree it was a bad day. OK, we can agree it was the worst experience we have ever had together that didn’t involve a discussion about ending our relationship. I felt terrible afterwards. I knew before your post that you did too. I want to address how I think we got there, if only to make sure we both can see the reasons, consider whether they were an anomaly or whether they tell us something about where we are or where we are going.
I know I made an insensitive comment. Maybe more than one. And (on the one hand) I know that because of that, and because of the elephant sitting over there in the corner that you have been trying to ignore, you were in need of reassurance from me, reassurance in the form of tenderness. On the other hand, I also know that you have expressed a concern recently about whether I will continue to want and need you in the same way that I have in the past. I came into the room with that on my mind, and a determination to give you reassurance on that in the only way I knew how (since my verbal reassurances have not worked) – by demanding much from you, by being totally Dominant, by insistence rather than by gentle leading. These two competing circumstances made for a very bad mix.
You did fight me – physically resisted. You did disobey me – intentionally refused to do what I asked. You were insolent – your question to me which I described as insulting, was if not that, at least insolent, delivered as it was when it was in the tone you used. If you need me to address how you are feeling, there are ways to do that – I have always listened, I have always insisted on hearing how you feel even when it is not what I want or hope for and even when it hurts me. I need to know to be a good Dom. But I need you to find a way to express it that is different from the way you chose this week. This was the point of my comment the next day that you needed to get your submissive hat back on. And before you feel too bad about what I’ve just said, know that I take a huge amount of responsibility for this disaster – your behavior was so far off the norm that I should have figured it out for myself. Normally I would have, but I was busy with “reassuring” you (see “on the other hand” above).
So I think we can understand how we got there, and hopefully we have gotten a lesson or two out of it, and I want you to let it go and move on. No more beating yourself up about it, no need to “prove” something to me about being able to do better. I know you can. I know you will. I know I will too. And your question to me about your post: “was I too hard on us?” – can only be answered “yes.” Yes, because of the elephant in the room, which none of your readers knows about, and without which they cannot possibly understand how we got to where we were. And while your question was related to how hard you were on “us” I suspect that you really meant if it was too hard on me. I see it completely differently, or maybe I care more about what people think of you than I do what they think of me – the post was too hard on YOU. Give yourself some credit. The stuff going on in your life that appears on your blog is enough to sink a lot of people. The stuff that doesn’t show up at all is stressful far beyond any concerns about L, or your submission, or anything that I might want or need from you. So be kinder to yourself. Be kinder to your SELF!
Moving on to other points in your post, you expressed the thought that it isn’t about the two of us anymore, it is about reassuring L. I have some thoughts about that. First, I agree that we need more time together, whether in person or by phone or whatever. We need more connection. The trouble is that we are finding that the demands of our lives have increased in the last few months. Having L involved in some of the conversations we are having takes time, and that is time that we are not spending just talking to each other. Having her home means I spend more time with her than I did when she was away. And again, that’s just a couple of examples – not at all indicative of the huge time demands we are both facing. So more time is hard because we don’t have enough time in the week. Second, and again you are right, I am spending time giving reassurances to L. However, that is a necessary step in what we are building. Lest you forget, I am also spending time reassuring you – reassurances that were not necessary when L was away – and the time now spent reassuring you was being spent with you, enjoying what we had. And thirdly, it is no longer just about the two of us. It is about me and you, and me and L, and even you and L. It is about the three of us. As we get more comfortable in our roles, I hope we can make some improvement here.
You have on more than one occasion mentioned that I don’t seem in control anymore. That your submission is being micromanaged by L. This is a misperception on your part. When L was not in the picture, the choices I made were all directed toward you and making our experience the best it could be. Now, some of the choices I make are directed toward her and reassuring her that her world is not ending. These are my choices – my efforts at keeping both of you happy with what you are getting. And to take a simple example, if I am on the phone with one of you, and the other calls, I have to decide: who is going to be disappointed? But it is my choice. When you say I am not in control you are saying you don’t like it when I choose her over you. In addition, she is not a submissive. Yes she has some submissive tendencies, but it is a marriage where compromise is necessary. So sometimes my choices are made based on what kind of compromise I have made with her. In that situation, and you have specific examples of this which we have discussed, I do my best to arrive at a solution that protects your interest. You remember, for example, when she first discussed with me that she could accept us meeting once a month and I said no, that won’t work – it has to be more often. So understand that I am in control of my relationship with you, and doing what any partner in a marriage does with the spouse where “control” isn’t a word usually used. And I am making decisions about us, not all of which I expect you to like. But they are my choices and I do my best to do what is best for all of us.
As for the developing situation where the three of us have been discussing meeting, you know how this has been a moving target. You know, I hope, how important it has been that the two of you have talked and conveyed your thoughts to me. You know how seriously I take the situation and how much I want it to be positive. I think you now know that I will call it off in an instant if it doesn’t feel right. You also know that I am working on ideas that will make it safe for all of us. I don’t want to jeopardize what we have built so far. And you know too that the comments on your blog, particularly Greenwoman, have been extremely helpful to me in formulating these ideas and I hope that gives you some comfort. As we have discussed, this did not start as a desire to have a threesome. It started with L’s idea that it would be fun to do a photo session, and then came the realization that that would leave us all feeling sexy and aroused. And we had also had in mind that it might be good for L to see a “scene” between the two of us, limited in nature, just to help her understand what it was all about and to really believe that you enjoy the pain. And from all that we began to think about what might happen, what we might WANT to have happen, how it would make us feel, and what to do about all that. It continues to move – every day I have conversations with each of you about how to make it happen in a way that leaves us all feeling good about ourselves and about what we are doing. So please, continue to talk to me about it, and how you feel, and how you think she will feel, and please, understand that I will not let it go forward AT ALL, as much as we would all be disappointed by that, if I do not have a good safety valve to let us end and walk away feeling good about the experience. I don’t think there is anything here that should surprise you. I just want you to understand that I am not going to start down a road where I am not certain that there is a high degree of comfort from both of you, that YOU want to start down that road. And for me, that means having a way to end the photo shoot and go home happy, if that is where the day ends.
The last point I want to touch on is your concern that the world we created is slipping away. I understand that things seem different, that things ARE different. I continue to believe that what we have now is better than we have (or ever had) any right to expect. We thought we had 3 months. After that we stopped thinking about the future and just grabbed the present. We buried our heads in the sand. That time began to seem endless – but it never was. And reality arrived in mid-December. L has asked me, in essence, “what were you two thinking?” – meaning “what did the you of you think would happen when I (she) got home?” Of course, the only answer is that we stopped thinking about it – it hurt too much. We just stopped thinking about it. And three months became six. And the closer you and I got to each other, the harder it became to think about what was going to happen. When she came home, my life could have gone horribly off the tracks in one of two ways, but instead it stayed on the tracks and went off in a new and unexpected direction. And I continue to believe, and keep hoping you agree, that some is better than none. Our world has changed. And change was always inevitable. Even if I had gotten divorced, our world would have changed, and we would have had to face questions that to this day we do not know the answers to. Questions that we have discussed in the abstract but have never had to really face. No relationship stays the same. Change is what keeps us alive, and we have to deal with it.
We continue to face another question, the question that appears again and again in your thoughts and posts, and my posts and comments, and our discussions: when is it time? This question never goes away. You know that when I read “snapshots” like your post, it drives me toward the conclusion that it is time. I don’t want to revisit the angst of your recent posts, and even my not-so-long-ago posts, that address this issue. Maybe we’re closer to the time. Maybe polyamory will not work for us. Maybe Liam or Jackson will seem a better option at some point. Maybe I should free you up to explore that question more thoroughly, without the influence I have on you. Maybe we should continue as we are, and give this new world we are in time to develop, and give ourselves time to reflect on it. And certainly all the other things going on in our lives will influence us in this. I only know that it is not time today. I trust we will continue to think about this and to talk about it together. And on this journey, never feel bad about yourself or your feelings – just share them with me so that I can do my job in the best way possible, and think with you about when we shall both agree it is time.
As always, so much more to say, so much more already said. The smile in your voice this morning brought a smile to my face, as it always does. Looking forward to dinner tonight!
your loving Owner,