I sat all alone on the bank of the Savannah River today watching the water swirl and the reflection of the geese overhead. There were colorful boats out on the water and a scene like that always takes me back to a happy moment in my life. Some of my favorite memories in my life have been on the shore of some ocean or the banks of some river.
It was a beautiful afternoon and I had some quiet time to myself. As usual lots to think about…but there was nothing troubling my heart at that moment. I was pleased to feel a sense of calmness around me that may have had as much to do with the southern sunshine warming my hair and the smell of new grass as the way so many things have fallen into place. I soaked that feeling in and thought about my Owner somewhere off with L for the weekend. I remember hoping they were having as pleasant an afternoon as I was. I realized that we were in a place where if I felt the need I could have picked up my cell and checked in with him. I didn’t need to and that made me feel good. I missed him though…and would have loved to talk to him. It was want not a need…so I left my cell in my pocket. One negative about the Richard…L and me saga is I feel like he and I do not have our own space anymore. Or not as much of it…..that makes me sad. I am trying to see the good in it all though. I also know that Richard and I have lacked the intensity of what we had and I wonder if that makes it easier to not miss him so much.
I just felt happy in the feeling of being Owned and that there weren’t any doubts in my mind about that….about him needing or loving or wanting me. I fingered the dainty little chain around my neck and again…felt a sense of calmness. It has not left my neck since the afternoon he put it on me. Funny how all this falls together. Right now we all have some other things going on that has taken our focus off of what we need from the other. Plus…we are all planning this photo shoot and that is being given a lot of attention. I am looking at it as a way for L and I to become more comfortable with the other and seeing each other with Richard. Plus…the idea is hot…and R is an amazing photographer. To pose and model for him is more erotic that I can even express…and then the fact that there will be two of us. L and I…so many feelings and I am a bit overwhelmed. Also…. it is a way I can please my Owner..and that is ALWAYS a good thing.
Oh…where was I? Being able to call him…yes, funny what a difference it makes to feel like he is accessible if I need him…not that the weekend rules have been lifted officially…but I got two or three emails this weekend from L. I just think if I had some crisis my call would not be met with anger. I obeyed the rule out of respect for them both. I will continue to respect their weekends together but what a difference it makes to be accepted and just knowing if I needed them they are there. Did I say them? I am confused about this…I feel as if I need a red dark line drawn for me somewhere. He is my Owner…yet I am talking and planning with her. It is odd…she sees and understands my relationship with her husband. He has touched me in front of her,,,,held my hand and touched my hair. She has smiled at me while he does this…yet I know she is still struggling. I also know now that some of this is erotic to her. I think it is exciting for her on some level. I am feeling good right now about all of this…. I can’t deny how months of consistent guidance and structure and love have made some changes in my life. Even for all the angst…and the uncertainty so much good as been done. I have grown so much.
I faced some challenges this weekend. Deliberately…I stepped into a challenge to see how I could handle it; to see if I was ready for something. I wasn’t. But I realized that I was strong enough to follow my heart’s lead and see the colors on the other side. I spent the weekend with Jackson…not the first time. But the first time where I not only had permission to allow him to make love to me but I almost thought I was ready. I am not ready…so I didn’t. And I feel good about that. I feel good that I was able to let him hold me and kiss me and touch me….and see his face and feel his hands and almost, almost be OK with it. I did feel a slight sense of betrayal…as if I am letting R down. I worry about that. I know that I have a way of placing men on pedestals….when I love I love with all of myself and where that can be positive it can also be negative. I did it with Mark….I do it now with Richard. I think that is the only two men I have ever been vulnerable enough with to lift them that high. I also think that is why all the Liam’s and Jackson’s of the world will never quite measure up…they will never quite hold on to all of me because of that. I tend to expect perfection and once I am let down I rarely forgive and let go. I know that about myself and struggle with it. It also hurts me deeply when those I hold up so closely to the light let me down.
I face challenges ahead still with Richard and L and even Liam and Jackson…but I think there are some things (and yes…I’m talking about the elephant in the corner) in my life that are quickly bringing everything else into perspective. I feel like I am cleaning out…like I need to throw out all of the old stuff in my head. It can sit there and clutter everything else up….it can ferment and mold and fill your mind and your soul with a poison. A poison that I do not have the energy to fight….poison like that can be my downfall. It is what makes me my own worst enemy and that is why I must shed it. It is why I am shedding it and leaving it behind me. I realize that I am going to need all my energy, all of my strength to push back against my elephant.
I felt an overpowering sense of love today for those people in my life that are most important to me. The ones who count on me and the ones I allow myself to count on and need so very much. I have learned from Richard that the very best people in life have the most amazing capacity to love…I never quite saw myself like that before. I saw love as almost a selfish thing…a curse at times. I think maybe cause one of the primary people in my life withheld it from me…I came to hate what I so craved. So I held it…and sometimes I still hold it just outside my own grasp. I think that is also why I require so much reassurance from those around me who love me. I am doing better now with all of this. I am learning and letting myself feel really for the first time in my life that I am worthy of all the love that is shown me. I like that. I know I will continue to struggle a bit. Even later this afternoon when my Owner called me he commented that I was still questioning why Jackson found me desirable. Sometimes even with Richard I will see the love in his face when he looks at me…and the strength in his voice as his words wrap around my heart and I fall just short of believing it is real.
Not much to say today…I just needed to record my thoughts. Writing…like the water makes it all so much better.
I feel like there is so much ahead of me….