S/M

punishment

I have backed myself into a corner. Literally.

Richard is not a believer in punishment. If you remember back on day one when I was still stepping past Mark and what he had me used to….I asked Richard for his rules. I needed to know what he expected of me as his submissive. After he wiped away the astounded look from his face he said he wasn’t into rules….he wasn’t into bratty subs and had only one expectation of me.

Instant obedience. He said the idea of me not wanting to please him and do what he asks without question would never cross his mind. That sort of set the tone and the standard for what would become Richard and pixie.

I am not the perfect submissive. No really…I’m not, honest. Needless to say Richard has had to punish me once or twice. Really no more than that…but when he does they are always so far removed from pleasure they do truly become punishments. There was the time he shut me away in the closet…and then a horrible physical punishment once that I will never forget. Funny how I have never tried to get him to punish me…I know that with Mark we played that game a little. It is different with Richard…not at all like a game and more about what I need and what makes us both tick.

This was the closest I had ever come to testing him to see if he would punish me. I have an online friend….koipx…who has commented here once or twice. We chat from time to time and every time we chat he asks to talk to me or say hi over my web cam. Richard always, always, always says no. At one time he allowed me to chat but then he took that away for the longest time…he loosened that restriction and allowed me to chat. Somewhere along the line we exchanged a cell numbers and the other night we had a brief conversation. I told Richard we talked. I realized that I wasn’t seeing if he would punish me. I was counting on him seeing through it…seeing through my need to get a reaction from him. I figured he would see it and think….oh no…she is needing a little extra attention. And then he would meet my need.

Major backfire.

Instead…he realized I think right away what I was doing and expressed his displeasure. I never expected that he would actually punish me. We sat there together on the bed.

“What, am I just supposed to let this go? Am I supposed to say…because you are so cute I can just ignore deliberate disobedience?”

“Well…”

“I am not going to let this go.” His voice was stoic. “I am going to punish you for this.”

My heart sank. Of course he would….what was I thinking. It brought him NO pleasure of that I was certain…I could tell. He is going to punish me.

Later it came out that he was thinking of punishing me tomorrow night right before the shoot. Oh why…didn’t he just do it right then…when I was still full of a little spunk and attitude? Now I see just how crazy wrong I was to tempt fate…to look to create something that he was already seeing.

So now I have backed myself into this corner and I am to be punished. Only now I don’t know when because he has decided to not punish me in front of L. To keep negativity out of the night for us all….so I have this punishment in front of me and I feel horrible about it. And what is worse now I have to wait.

What do I do…do I ask him to punish me tomorrow and get it over with so I can move ahead and go into tomorrow without any guilt? Do I just do what he asks and wait for my punishment that is sure to come sooner than later. I hate feeling this way. I need to let this go…it is filling up my head and I think I need to let it go but can’t until he takes it away from me.

But how do I do that? Is there anything worse than a real punishment other than waiting for one?

15 thoughts on “punishment

  1. Well, yeah (two syllables, as in yeah-eh, and a touch of sarcasm) … what did you expect? 🙂
    pixie, pixie, pixie……

    You know you would lose all respect for me if I let you off when you knowingly chose to ask forgiveness (counting on that cuteness to get you off the hook) rather than asking permission (which you knew would be denied).

    Amazingly, even L sees this. She kind of squirmed when I told her I had to punish you, she doesn’t want to see it, but she completely understands why I have to give it to you.

    So your quandry is timing, and I can’t help you with that. 😦 Sorry sweetie. Let go of it for now. It will come in its own time.

  2. Oh yeah. He is good. Very good.
    Sorry pixie. I think you just need to take your punishment whenever your Owner decided. Be a good girl.

  3. darn it…i AM a good girl! {stomps foot}
    🙂 lol…yes, i know. This does have me worried though….and i imagined getting advice similiar to yours Mike.

  4. Pixie ,

    What can one say? Here’s my opinion for what its worth. You pushed Richard into a corner with your actions ,you knew the rules when you decided to give out you cell number without your Doms permission, you expect Richard to look out for you and protect you, in my view you took that right away from him when you gave out your phone number without talking to Richard first, Granted you did it for attention and Richard saw right though it..now Richard is behaving as your Dom should by determining how and when he will punish you.. In your shoes I would ask Master forgiveness but as far as asking Him to just punish me and get it over with , in my humble opinion that would be trying to control Master.. Trust Richard to do what’s best …
    Again thats just my humble opinion.. *great big hugs to you*

    His fawn

  5. LOL! You are just too cute pixie…

    I guess you needed to test whether its still safe eh? I suppose that you’ve found out it is.

    Good for both of you….This will probably make things feel alot safer to you both…and cement things for L even.

    I am very glad for the two of you…It is good to know that some stories seem to have a happy ending.

    It is very healing to know that does really happen.

  6. poor pixiepie….I never imagined Richard finding cause to punish you. You really are just too cute.

    Will you enjoy it all do you think?

  7. Pixie, my friend…

    1.) I’ve found that asking for punishments to be meted out at a time of your choosing does not work very well with Masters. They know what they want to do to you, and how long they want you to think about he error of your ways beforehand. You have to learn to assume that they know what they are doing. Richard has factored every data point into how he is doing things. You have to just accept it as gracefully as possible. Asking for him to do it sooner, or anything like that, will only make him more disappointed in you, and possibly make the punishment worse.

    2.) The real punishment is waiting for the punishment. It doesn’t matter what the punishment actually is — the wait is worse! And of course, our Masters know that, and make use of it. The only thing to do is to let go, and submit to your fate. If you try and hold onto any sort of control (except controlling your own behaviour, which should be at its most submissive and respectful right now!) you will just make the waiting-period all the worse. Just let go.

    And, good luck!

    (And, in response to “~A” — I know a submissive girl who broke up with her Dominent because he had come to feel that she was “just too cute” to punish. “I can’t punish her,” he’d say affectionately hugging her, “she’s just too cute!”

    But us cute girls need punishment and order just as much as the not-as-cute girls. Maybe more so, since we are used to getting our own way through cuteness in life! Not punishing someone because they are cute is a terrible mistake, and as I say, it’s caused the end of at least one relationship!)

  8. I am lost by how you distinguish what is punishment -vs- what is reward. Any punishment unless you restrict her from seeing you is going to be reward for pixie. She admittedly did this for attention and we can see why given the current climate of your relationship why she would feel the need to ‘test’ you. If you spank her- reward. If you cane her harder than normal- reward. What do you do in a case like this? I do not think you would do as M did and douse her with cold water. I also do not think you should or even would ‘let this go’. My question is real. What do you do to a sub that truly needs punishment yet everything you do is reinforcing the negative behavior and need for attention?

  9. Doug, I think pixie did a post on this quite a ways back. The pain is not the same when it is punishment, and I always make sure it is pointed out to her when the punishment begins and ends. I have also put her in the closet – another post WAY back. Mostly it is in her head – punishment does not feel good, and a bunch of submissives chimed in to agree (could it be they are all trying to trick us?….). pixie… care to add anything? I don’t really consider the option of forced separation (except the 5 minutes in the closet) as the negatives generally outweigh the positives.

  10. Sir Richard i have to agree with You. Never is being apart from my Owner a viable option. Punishment for me at least, whether it is physical or mental, is very clearly defined in the disappointment in my Owner’s voice, or look on His face. Punishment at least for me is never something i strive for, nor look forward to…because i know i have displeased my Master…..and sometimes waiting for it, and all the thoughts that run in my head, are punishment enough. The games i play in my head while waiting….are more troublesome to me than any actual physical pain He could give me….however i do welcome punishment only in the regards that i am growing, for Him and for myself….

    pet

  11. yes.

    it’s all in the head.

    the disapproval and disappointment are the real punishment. even if the punishment is a caning, even if the number of strokes is the same as in a scene, even if he brings the cane down with exactly the same force as in a scene, even if i am bound in the same position as in a scene, it will feel completely different when it is designated as a punishment.

    a sub’s mind is incredibly powerful.

  12. Just knowing I’ve disappointed my Sir is painful. The actual punishment is usually redemption for me – it takes away the guilt and pain of disappointing him.

    Yes – the waiting is the worst. I hope it’s over soon for you.

    Hugs,
    Blush
    Oh! PS…I tried to find an email for you after I read your comment at Rosie’s blog. I’ve moved my blog to a public one and would love to invite you to it –
    hisblushingprincess.blogspot dot com. I’ve added you as a link – hope that’s ok?

  13. Well, I don’t have any advice from this point of view, but as a wayward child waiting for that spanking was bad. Then the standing there and waiting for that sharp sting was even worse. I’m sure this isn’t going to be easy for you…which sounds like what you need.

    Is there something to be said for doing something you knew would cause a need for punishment?

  14. Pixie,
    I stand by just letting the punishment come. You know you can make it worse by asking for it to be over and done with, right?

    Anyway, just my thoughts.

    Lucy

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