I have backed myself into a corner. Literally.
Richard is not a believer in punishment. If you remember back on day one when I was still stepping past Mark and what he had me used to….I asked Richard for his rules. I needed to know what he expected of me as his submissive. After he wiped away the astounded look from his face he said he wasn’t into rules….he wasn’t into bratty subs and had only one expectation of me.
Instant obedience. He said the idea of me not wanting to please him and do what he asks without question would never cross his mind. That sort of set the tone and the standard for what would become Richard and pixie.
I am not the perfect submissive. No really…I’m not, honest. Needless to say Richard has had to punish me once or twice. Really no more than that…but when he does they are always so far removed from pleasure they do truly become punishments. There was the time he shut me away in the closet…and then a horrible physical punishment once that I will never forget. Funny how I have never tried to get him to punish me…I know that with Mark we played that game a little. It is different with Richard…not at all like a game and more about what I need and what makes us both tick.
This was the closest I had ever come to testing him to see if he would punish me. I have an online friend….koipx…who has commented here once or twice. We chat from time to time and every time we chat he asks to talk to me or say hi over my web cam. Richard always, always, always says no. At one time he allowed me to chat but then he took that away for the longest time…he loosened that restriction and allowed me to chat. Somewhere along the line we exchanged a cell numbers and the other night we had a brief conversation. I told Richard we talked. I realized that I wasn’t seeing if he would punish me. I was counting on him seeing through it…seeing through my need to get a reaction from him. I figured he would see it and think….oh no…she is needing a little extra attention. And then he would meet my need.
Instead…he realized I think right away what I was doing and expressed his displeasure. I never expected that he would actually punish me. We sat there together on the bed.
“What, am I just supposed to let this go? Am I supposed to say…because you are so cute I can just ignore deliberate disobedience?”
“I am not going to let this go.” His voice was stoic. “I am going to punish you for this.”
My heart sank. Of course he would….what was I thinking. It brought him NO pleasure of that I was certain…I could tell. He is going to punish me.
Later it came out that he was thinking of punishing me tomorrow night right before the shoot. Oh why…didn’t he just do it right then…when I was still full of a little spunk and attitude? Now I see just how crazy wrong I was to tempt fate…to look to create something that he was already seeing.
So now I have backed myself into this corner and I am to be punished. Only now I don’t know when because he has decided to not punish me in front of L. To keep negativity out of the night for us all….so I have this punishment in front of me and I feel horrible about it. And what is worse now I have to wait.
What do I do…do I ask him to punish me tomorrow and get it over with so I can move ahead and go into tomorrow without any guilt? Do I just do what he asks and wait for my punishment that is sure to come sooner than later. I hate feeling this way. I need to let this go…it is filling up my head and I think I need to let it go but can’t until he takes it away from me.
But how do I do that? Is there anything worse than a real punishment other than waiting for one?