I am disappointed in myself. I get comments and emails from friends that read my blog…some random curious readers…some long time readers that have followed my story for over a year now. They ask me questions because they assume I know a lot about submission…it is so much a part of me. I am a good submissive to Richard.




I accused him this weekend of failing me when in truth I failed him. Today he reminded me of my role in his life…what it means to him and what he expects from me. He reminded me that I can be and should expect to be placed on the shelf when he does not want or need to play with me. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me or need me or is not thinking about me….it means that there are other ways I serve him. Some require my presence…some do not.


He had the right to call on me this weekend and expect me to see him…to serve him. He owns me. I do not have the right to feel sad or angry about not having the same rights….he reminded me of all of that today.


Richard rarely punishes me. It goes against what our relationship means…almost as much as my reactions to him over the weekend did. I stand by my earlier post….yes I wrote it one sided. This is my blog after all and I am allowed to express my perception of things…even if it is easy for him to rip it a part with trivial things like fact and accuracy…perception is reality.


Part of my punishment is to offer a public apology to Richard here in front of my readers. This is humbling to me and I feel somewhat humiliated being made to do this…..my other punishment is one that I have to think about a little longer. It involves a new crop that Richard purchased and a container of clothes pins. Today as we sat together his hands roamed possessively over my body he told me what he was going to do. He will cover me with clothespins and then use to crop to remove them.


I am not sure how I feel about this. I am still struggling with feeling as if he misunderstood me…misread my cues and now I am to be punished for being disrespectful and for misunderstanding him.


My Owner….I apologize to you for my behavior. I allowed myself to feel angry and petulant. I should have been gracious to you and to L when invited to share your private time instead of focusing on my own needs and what I felt I needed to ultimately be a better submissive to you. I am sorry for the confusion and angst I caused L….I hope she accepts the apology that I sent to her earlier.


I truly am sorry. I was wrong. I was sad and angry and confused….I had expectations that were unreasonable. I will do better.



He called me a manipulative little cunt with laughter and admiration in his voice.


“That is one of the hottest things you have ever said to me.” I replied laughing back into the phone. That was a lie…the things this man has said to me. I wondered how I could be so aroused at 8 in the morning. I imagined him saying it into my ear instead of into the phone…


I also imagined what could make it better….


1)      having him say it in person…of course I got that last night…but I think he called me a greedy little cunt.

2)      having him say it in person with his hand around my throat holding me against the wall.

3)      holding me against the wall but with my back to him and his knee in my back pressing into me.

4)      him making me say it. J

5)      him making me say it in front of L. J

6)      hearing myself say it right before I ask him to cane me harder.



I suppose I am just never satisfied. I truly am a greedy little cunt. But manipulative…..? I disagree. I wonder why he would say that…oh never mind, I remember. J


perfect worlds

L and Richard are on their way over. They are bringing dinner and we are going to talk. I think we all have come to the conclusion that we need more clarification regarding our roles. L and I are very different. I am the type of girl who really needs a clear picture. I need black or white…..hot or cold. Like I told her gray and warm only confuse me and muddle my mind. Yes….I know considering the state of my mind allowing further muddleification is a problem. I made my needs known to my Owner. I told him I was struggling…that I felt as if I was getting some mixed signals from her. I would get a text from her with a very specific task and she would project this dominant  spirit and then the next day she would make it clear that she didn’t see herself in that role. She is a gray person. Not always having a clear picture is OK with her. We may butt heads…lol.


Fact is….I like her. A lot. It is funny because I don’t think we were supposed to like each other. Richard said the other day how different this would feel right now if he had disclosed his need and then the two of them had found me together instead of how I ended up Richards. I think she wasn’t expecting to like me.


I do not think L will ever dominate me in the traditional sense…yet I feel a natural submission towards her. I think she is growing into her role and she is learning how much it means. I suggested we all write down a perfect world scenario…if we could make this the way we wanted it to be how it would look.


Mine was easy. I described a relationship that has three people openly caring for each other and able to give and receive affection without any angst….I described how important it is for me to feel like the submissive…to be able to live that role.


This is some of what I wrote……..


The right players are in place. That is half the battle. I think when Richard found me we were both lucky. We are even luckier now and I truly mean this that all is out in the open and there are no secrets or lies to shade what is so real.


The idea of being in a relationship where I could really feel owned has always been appealing to me. It was the object of my fantasies for as long as I can remember. I have that now. The idea of being in a relationship with a couple….an established couple meaning there is already a committed relationship in place has been a basis of some of those fantasies.


I would like to have a clearer picture of what it is L wants and expects from me. It is impossible for me to not submit to her even if her tendency never leaned towards dominating me. She is the wife of my Owner. Additionally…it just feels right. I am naturally submissive yet it has to feel right for me to offer it.


In a perfect world I would have two Owners. Both committed to helping me learn and grow and be a better person…not just a better submissive. I see a relationship where love and affection can flow freely between adults secure enough in their own role to let that happen. I see no jealously or insecurity in this perfect world of mine because after all…we are all happy and secure in our roles.

I see Richard being my Dominant.  He is my Owner…full time meaning it is natural and I am allowed to be available to him when he needs me…not just a weekly dose whether he needs it or not sort of thing. J


I see my role with L as one of deference and respect. A relationship where we never try to compete or do anything that would otherwise reflect negatively on Richard.


I see Richard having high expectations of me….having a larger hand in what I do. I see L playing that role too….I see her as the expert in how to please her husband and being instructive to me so I can please him as well. I see L having a better understanding of my desire (my need) to please him and serve him…and eventually feeling comfortable that some of that is projected on her.


I see myself as Richard’s submissive….I see a strong woman by his side that knows and understands her husbands need to keep me. To hurt me and to show me the love and affection that has developed between us without feeling like it subtracts or distracts from what she shares with him. I know nothing could. I see myself always, always being respectful to L and her role and rights as my Owners wife. I see myself as a meaningful part of Richard’s life and would like to be a meaningful part of L’s. I want to be devoted to you both….to feel as if L has some expectations of me.


When Richard told me L referred to me as ‘our pet’ I literally sunk down into this encompassing feeling of being safe and cared for and accepted. I see myself that way…I know it is hard to understand. For me too.


I like the title…pet. It sums up how I see myself in regards to Richard…in regards to you both. I get sad and angry and jealous too….but only when I am allowed to step out of my place and I have tried very hard to explain that to Richard. He has a way of making me feel very young and vulnerable….and when I am allowed to be in that submissive space nothing else matters. When I feel neglected or forgotten I feel lonely and jealous because I have been allowed to forget what I am and what I mean to this relationship.


In my fantasies I imagine….conversations over my head….two people delighted in their pet….two people confident that they have rights to me and all that entails….feeling like property and being cared for gently and lovingly but also being used to fulfill the sadistic urges of my Owner….not worrying that my need to be touched and nurtured is met with anger and resentment. I can’t handle that only because I see it so differently.


I see….three people committed to each others happiness and security. I never want to cause trouble or distract from what my real role is. I see L as an extension of Richard….I want her to know if she tells or asks me to do something that I will do it. I want her to know that….to expect that. I want Richard to hold me more accountable when I allow my submission to slide. I am happier when he is stern with me….it makes my mind less fuzzy….I need that. I need that as much as I need his tenderness. I need tenderness because it reinforces what we are doing is alright….


I see you both supporting me and helping me into the right kind of relationship. I like when Richard sets guidelines for me. I like/need the curfews….the rules…the restrictions he places on me. I would value that from L too….



I feel safe and valued when I am secure in my role. I am pleased when I am asked to give pleasure to my Owners wife. I see myself as a tool of sorts….something that the two of you can use to please each other.


I would like one day for all of us to be comfortable and feel quite natural enough in our roles so my submission to Richard can be fully utilized even when L is there. I do not see or even want hard pain in front of L.…her distress would change my ability to submit the way I need to.




She responded wonderfully and her email made me feel as if this is all going to work out somehow…that we are all working on this for the right reasons. I won’t print her entire email but her main points were bulleted…..

So what do I want?

First that you please try to remember and please understand all this as best you can.  

Then what? To be included in decisions, conversations and texting. It makes me feel like I am involved and I like that.  

To work as your Dominant’s wife, an arm of him only when it feels comfortable and not a threat to either of us, or to Richard.

To be allowed to be a mother figure who shows respect, friendship and a nurturing shoulder & here, most importantly, that respect and friendship be reciprocated and not routed through Richard.

To be able to show affection openly, comfortably between us like married couples should and do when happy

To hug you and be hugged back

To not feel abandoned or forgotten when it is asked that you be strong and on your own

To watch you mature into a confident and assured woman who believes life is good and deserving of you.

Richard is never one to be left out so he also submitted an email explaining his perfect world….I won’t explain that because I think ya’ll all know what he wants. I will quote a short portion….


OK, my turn.

Both of you have taken a really big picture view and I think that is a good place to start.  I will address that but will try to get a little closer to specifics to see if I can narrow the conversation a bit, otherwise we will be at it all night, lol.


Big picture:  I like that both of you have used the analogy of the family.  I told L at lunch that absent children, my perfect world would be pixie living upstairs and all of us being one big happy family.



So we are all moving forward. I think we have shifted to the point where all of us are looking at the bigger picture…that our every action affects each of us. We are all looking at this as long term….I am eager to move forward.







Feeling assault me. So much to think about, so much on my mind. Not bad stuff. Not clutter. Just things that require processing. They pile up around me and fall to pieces or solve themselves before I get a chance to sort through them.

I have spent the past half hour or so chatting by text message back and forth with L. She is in a place where I never expected her to be. She is curious about a role that I never expected her to want or to even find appealing. It is important to her that she feel a part of things. I tell myself that is why is cautiously finding her footing in what Richard and I share. I tell myself the idea of being a Dominant or Owning a ‘pet’ could not possibly be appealing to her. My arguments fall short and I am not able to convince myself. Truth is…..and I still struggle with understanding this- I sort of naturally defer to her. I also tell myself it has to be because of how intense I feel for Richard…his hold on me is strong. Is it possible that my feelings for him are so big they leak out onto her….is it something more? Am I in fact destined to become dually owned and Dommed? Is that even something I want?

I was chatting with Alex the other night and together we were exploring some of the differences in how I feel for L and what I shared with her. Remember Max and Alex are the couple that I met through Mark in Austin around this time last year. I have spent time with them since. I was trying to explain to Alex that I felt submissive to her even when Max was not in the room. I am not sure if I feel that way with L. I think it is out of respect and deference to Richard that I am able to submit to L. Submit is too big of a word at this point. She is not asking that of me. Yet when she questions me about something I do not feel as if I have the choice to answer or not…I do not feel as if a request from her is an option.

I also am attracted to Alex and have been since the first time we met. It is different with L. She is beautiful but there is no chemistry between us. I wonder if it is just that Richard pulls so much of that away from me there is nothing left to offer to her. I also have the desire to please L just as I had the desire to please Alex. In my day to day life I am NOT a people pleaser….so I know it is yet another symptom of my submissive spirit.

When L and I are chatting I get braver. I use that time where we are not face to face to throw a question at her or place an idea in her head to get her response. Tonight I did that. I often find her answers ane noncommitted and vague….laced with ambiguity at times. I compare her to Richard who gives it to me so straight. He understands my need for black and white and must realize the limbo I am in right now.

I am not sure of her role with me. I can’t rush it because she is still figuring it out. I know she does not see us as equals but that was from a lot of pushing and explaining on my part. I like being submissive to her because it pleases Richard. I liked being submissive to Alex because it pleased me. I am trying to understand the different pages of my submission and what page I am on. What page is she on? I am not sure…. I know that her book is wide open. She wants to learn and understand my mind and my need for in doing so she understands Richard.

They have invited me to accompany them on vacation. Do you believe that? It was her idea…she asked Richard if she could give me an assignment. She is stepping forward into this role and I am not sure how I feel about it. One side of my brain struggles to break free of her participation at all. Of course I want my time with Richard all to myself….this aspect of him I want to myself. I only want to give this side of myself to him. Yet the other side of my brain screams YES….isn’t this what I wanted all along? Is this not my ultimate fantasy…the desire that I have always had? Or is it? And what of what Richard wants….pleasing him..isn’t THAT my ultimate goal. So why am I worrying so? I will do as he asks. I will follow him into this knowing that whatever happens I will be safe and cared for and loved. I just don’t know what THIS is…I don’t even think he does yet. I know he understands my need. I know he feels my responses to L when she makes an attempt to be more than my friend. I am not even talking about sex here…nothing physical. I am speaking of the mind…of feeling subservient…of feeling owned. I can’t help where my submissive spirit leads me.

I am open to it all right now. I am wanting to step into whatever is right around that corner calling to me. I have a feeling that I have a place here with them. And that it is good. That it will be good for me. That in serving them both I will feed that part of me that needs it so. That part I only pretend to understand, that part of myself that my readers think I have all figured out. I only know that Richard has been my solid ground.  I welcome anything that supports that. He tells me he has never felt stronger in his Ownership of me. I feel that. I am letting myself feel that. I worried a few days ago that I had less of him. When I was away I didn’t feel the panic…or the loss as much as I did before. It was only after I returned home that I realized it wasn’t distance that settled my heart it was that my feeling of being owned by him lingered with me. It doesn’t fade anymore when he steps away to travel or attend to business. I miss him. But I do not stumble in my submission to him.

I am growing. I feel that. I feel stronger and am only realizing what I am inside. I have faced over the past few months things that once would have broken me. Only they never touched me…not like I expected. I said final goodbyes to people who once held my heart so deeply I thought I would never breath again….but I did. It didn’t break me. Not like I once feared. I feel like somehow there is a shelter over me. It keeps me dry and keeps the pain away and that can only be good for me. I feel that L contributes to that. She shelters me as much as Richard does just in a different way. She gives me the gift of her time.  Not quite a mother figure but something resembling that. So what if she is not ready to call it Owner yet…so what if I am not ready to let that in. It is a path we are slowly walking, a trail that Richard has marked for us.

I am learning that it isn’t so much what is waiting at the end that matters….what really matters is all that you see and do and learn on the way.



….tonight I will show you another way to please me. See my dear; I don’t always need your pain. Your submission is enough.”


“It is?” 


“Yes, of course it is. It is part of it. You know that.”

I guess I did know that too…pain was only part of this entire thing called submission.

“Come here.” He said and he motioned to the floor in front of him. His feet were bare and his jeans hung perfectly around his trim ankles. Without hesitation I slid down off the chair and knelt in front of him. He held my face in his hands and they slowly slid down my shoulders and wrapped gently around my neck.

“There are other ways to get what I need from you.” He pushed me away just a little and told me stand up. Stand up and take off your clothes he told me. I had a dress on that buttoned the whole way down and cream colored panties and bra underneath. I stood there in front of him and started to undress. I realized how warm I felt, how real it all was and how incredibly natural it was to do what he asked me to. I felt owned and warmed through and through by his eyes on me. I was a part of him and he was a part of me and that feeling hung there in the air between us, it hung there and made all that was left unsaid unnecessary. After a minute I was naked and he pulled me back down to my knees. I could have knelt there indefinitely. My submission is something that still surprises me. I think of the select few people that have been able to really, truly draw this type of response from me….and I am reminded of how special, how truly unique and what a gift it is.

He tied my hands behind my back and kissed the back of my neck. I liked the hardness of the floor under my knees…it was a bit of pain that I was offering to him. His hands pulled tight in my hair and he nipped me right at my hairline. I moaned and leaned back into him. His hands covered my eyes.

“You don’t like to be blindfolded, do you pet?” I swallowed hard intuitively knowing what he was going to do. I squirmed and then whimpered softly hoping he heard me as much as I hoped he didn’t. He was asking so little of me…and I was struggling with a simple blindfold.

“No Sir…it scares me.”

I blinked and tried to turn to find him but his hands still covered my eyes.

“What if I took your sight from you?” His hands shifted and he covered my ears so tightly his words were more like vibrations. “What if you couldn’t hear?” His hand covered my mouth. “Couldn’t speak? What if I took all of that from you? I could do that if I desired, I do own you after all. What if I took it all? What if I controlled all of that, your ability to move, to speak, to see, to hear? What if all of that was at my whim or for my pleasure?”


I felt the cloth cover my eyes and he tightened it. First darkness and then the first wave of panic assaulted me. I hate the darkness. Relax…relax…relax I whispered to myself trusting him. I moaned again and strained to hear his voice while I still could. “Please talk to me…I need to hear your voice when I can’t see you. Please, please talk to me.”

“Stop begging pet…trust me to know what you need. To take what I need…….”  Seeing him and hearing him feeds my submission…it pulls me to him somehow and reminds me that I am safe. When he takes that away from me all I have left is what I know….the truths that he has ingrained in my brain. I am Owned…loved…needed. I trusted him, even if he took it al, controlled it all still I would trust him. I thought of that as I knelt there in the darkness feeling his breath on my cheek and he kissed me.

I felt his finger on my ear. He slid the earplug into my ear, first one and then the next and I heard the shifting of the squishy latex expand in my ear cutting off all but the white noise my body generated somehow and the beating of my heart.


I felt my body react to the sensory loss as my skin flushed and grew more and more sensitive. What else did he want I asked myself? “Richard…where are you? What are you doing?”


I could only hear my words as hums and I wondered how they sounded to him. His hand ran through my head brushing my forehead and tipping my head back. I felt his hand open my mouth and tasted the rubber feeling of the gag as he pressed it into my mouth. I whimpered and then moaned seeking and leaning and needing to find and then melt into the comfort of him. Only he was elusive. I felt him between my knees and felt his hands place cuffs around my thighs and slip the spreader bar between my knees. Then he was behind me again. He tied a rope around my cuffed wrists and bound them to my ankles arching me backwards slightly so I was totally immobile.


I felt my wetness on my thighs….a milky offering….a plea maybe. It was as if my body was saying….here- this is what I need, this is what I am. I am yours, take me…does this not prove it all? Am I not Owned? Am I not yours?


His large hand splayed across my stomach raking my skin with his nails just enough to make me shiver…and moan beneath my gag. What was I at that moment if not his toy? My skin was alive like it had never been before. I realized how helpless I was.


How wonderfully….helpless I have always, always, always been with him. I was floaty and relaxed because nothing else really mattered at that second. My submission was pleasing to him. I was pleasing him. What was I at that moment if not his toy?


submissive wanted

Submissive needed. Must be young and eager to please sadistic Dominant man. This is a temporary position. Long term applicants need not apply. He is an equal opportunity Dominant. One rule: Do absolutely EVERYTHING he asks. This position is a difficult one. Demanding, arrogant but scary handsome Dominant needs adventure minded submissive to submit to every whim. Must be healthy. Must be a masochist. Must be experienced or willing to learn about needle and knife play. Applicant must be willing to submit to the following: caning, spankings with various implements including not limited to belts, paddles, home made ‘whippy things’, floggers, straps, hands..etc. Bondage sometimes long term, kneeling, mind control and some daddy/little girl type play. Applicant must be intelligent and educated…he prefers smaller pixie type girls but all body shapes and types may apply. Must be respectful and reverent to his spouse, did I mention he was married? Give her a chance, you will love her. I get her back too. Like I said, long term applicant need not apply. He will do all sorts of things to you…he will shower with you and wash your hair..he will whisper to you and hold you when you cry. He will pee on you and make you swallow his cum. He will make you ask for both. He will make you beg for both. He will make you beg to be hurt, you will learn to take more than you ever thought you could. Must be photogenic and enjoy being photographed. Applicant must be cuddly and sweet. You must be modest; he enjoys breaking down this barrier. He will tell you not to fall in love with him the day you meet him. Ignore this first request. He doesn’t mean it. Follow everything he says after that to the letter. Expect punishment for misbehavior in the form of isolation (he locked me in the closet) severe canings and harsh spankings. Applicant must have the ability to say or be willing to learn to say certain words. Cunt was hard for me…I can say it now…cunt, cunt, cunt…see? I would recommend you choose your own word, this one is mine. Pussy is a suggestion as I can still not say this word. You will be his slut, his whore, his little girl, his lover, his slave and anything else he requires you to be. You will learn to love it. You have to give him back. You have to take care of him while I can’t and see that his needs are met. In return you will be trained to serve your own Owner one day…you will walk away a better person, skilled in the arts of pleasing a man. Your submission will be nurtured into something you are proud of, something you will understand. He will bring clarity and joy into your life. He will teach you. You will not want to give him back. Long term applicants need not apply.




Recently pixie said she asked to be released and I refused.  Even more recently, comments have appeared telling her that as the submissive, she decides when to give a Dom the keys and she can equally take them back.  I agree with this principle.  And other comments have asked why I refused and how that works, so I thought I would address this question.


First, let me reiterate: a Dominant can dominate a submissive only so long as the submissive consents.  If today pixie said “I am no longer going to submit to you,” my days as her Dominant are over.  But what pixie actually said was “Richard, please release me.”  Now I know this is a subtle difference, but there is a difference.  She was asking me to agree with her that it should end.  And I did not, as she claimed in her post :-), refuse.  I said we needed to talk about it.  I may well have refused to instantly say, “OK, you are free,” but such a precipitous decision would have been incredibly poor judgment on my part, and refusing to give that consent was perfectly appropriate.  And as has often been the case, we talked about it, why she was asking, what things might be done that would change her mind, whether she really meant it, was she really ready for all the consequences of that request, and on and on.  And up to this point, we have always agreed later that it was not the time, and we were both glad I did not accede to her request.


A little history for those who may have forgotten, twice in the past I have in fact released pixie.  I did this under the mistaken belief that I could, or should, push her into another relationship.  I was looking for Mr. Right, and when he threatened to leave pixie because of me, I tried to step out of the way.  Instead, pixie just refused to end it with me and the potential Mr. Right withdrew his ultimatum.  I slowly figured out that she had to manage those relationships, that I could not Dom her into a relationship, that I could not decide for her that she was or should be in love with someone.  And so I gave up trying, and now I try to mentor her through those relationships, waiting to see where they take her.


And of course, as I have said before, the parts of pixie’s life which don’t show here always affect my decisions, and so there are times when you may well wonder why I am not agreeing to release her when it would be obvious if you knew her as I do.  And that is all BEFORE the elephant which she has now told you about.


And that brings us to today, and the events leading up to her last two posts.  In these posts she has clearly been sending me a message, one that she finds difficult or impossible to say to me face-to-face.  That is ok, I understand that, and while I would prefer to find out what is on her mind in person rather than reading it here for the first time, I appreciate that writing it may sometimes be easier, and I truly appreciate that I learn about it from whatever source.   It is better that I read it here for the first time with all of you than to never know what is going on inside that pretty pixie head.  So what is that message she is sending me?


The message is simply: I see what you have with L, and it makes me realize what I don’t have, and that I need that.  I know I can’t have it with you, and I know I need it.  I need that thing, that long-term, committed relationship, with someone devoted only to me, even though I fear it as well, and have run away from it;  I can see I need it.


And of course she does.  More importantly, in the last year pixie has gotten over the horrid belief that somehow she didn’t deserve it.  Now being the existentialist I am, I don’t believe any of us “deserves” anything, lol!  But to the point, pixie is not undeserving – she has done nothing to warrant the belief that other people deserve something that she does not.  It is simply not true that “I’ll never get married; no one would want me.”  A verbatim quote, by the way.  And now, in her post, she says “Most importantly I have learned to love, to really love and to see the value in letting people love me.”  She is a good person, loving person, caring person, and worthy of the love of a man that is truly hers.  This is a lesson she has learned in the last year, and I am happy for her – happy that she has come to see herself in a more positive light. She really has grown.


Above I have clearly stated the message I have gotten from these posts, and from my conversations with her.  My first reading was that she was asking to be released.  but today I believe she is finally acknowledging in her own mind, intellectually not emotionally, that she knows it will have to end.  Yes, she has said it, we have both said it, many times.  But she is now facing that fact head on, and seeing that there is an end and it may be sooner than we had hoped.  And we are beginning to prepare for it.


On Wednesday, I did release her.  I was met with a look of pain, of accusation, almost “why are you doing this to me?”  I told her it wasn’t my choice, it was hers, that I heard the message.  We disagreed some on this, perhaps we still do.  I did think that the message sent was that she wanted to be released.  But we’ve talked a lot, and some of that shows in subsequent posts and comments.  Today, I think the message is as stated above, I know what I need and I know this isn’t going to get it for me.  But it was also, don’t abandon me, help me get there, support me, counsel me.  And so I will.


Last night, L and I visited pixie.  As we tucked her in, and I gave her a last hug goodbye before we left, we agreed that I was not letting her go, that she did not want me to let her go, that she wanted to continue to try to find balance – the balance between needing me while preparing to “move forward.”  Yes, we still need to define where we are.  Yes, we will still evolve, and move forward, and slip backward.  We are like fish on the dock –  slipping and sliding every which way, jumping about, not knowing which way the water is.  But we know how we feel, and we know what is important.