I have to admit I am smiling tonight.
I am not sure why except I am realizing my sense of humor is hard to suppress even when faced with the inevitable pain of letting people go or being let go. Maybe it is because L just called and invited me to lunch or that I know at this very second Richard is thinking of me. Admittedly when I returned to my office this afternoon after being with Richard I was moping as I smelled him on me and realized it was likely the last time. I couldn’t get the sadness of our conversation out of my mind. He held me so close to him today as I poured out my fears and needs and suggestions…we said so much yet we have concluded little that was not already known.
Tonight though I was thinking about the circles we twirl around and smiled at the truth in front of me. How very weak we are! We tried today to say goodbye…we actually did say goodbye and maybe we even meant it but already we look at ways to redefine what we have and not end it. I know where we are…he knows where we are. We both know what I have of him is not enough and that even if he could give me more at this point and I think he would if I asked it wouldn’t solve the problem that continues to lead us here.
I asked him what would change if he was not my Owner….if I asked for that part of myself back? What would change if he was only my Dominant? At this point can one step backwards? Can you clearly draw a line between the two with no overlap or ambiguity, would I want to? Would he? Can you go back to what you once had….and when was that? How long ago was he only my Dom and not the one I felt Owned by? I can’t remember only that it was early on and when I was still getting over the pain of letting M go.
We talked about M today and Richard compared what he could do for me now with what he did for me then. When I asked Richard to help me let go of that relationship he clearly defined his expectations regarding my contact with M. All TMs would be forwarded to him…all emails would be cc to him. I asked him to help me hold my resolve and not let me go backwards. I think he quite effectively Dommed Mark from my mind. Now I think he believes he can at my request Dom himself from my mind. I know….as crazy as that sounds it may actually work.
He can place demands on me that would make me less dependent on him…more dependent on myself or even Jackson. I told Richard that I know we are getting close to the day it is over…when it can’t be denied any longer. Perhaps I will relocate and proximity will play a role…or maybe I will fall in love with Jackson and want to be with him. Maybe I will just decide to be alone for awhile and grow that way…though I don’t do well alone. I have tried that. Maybe the two will go hand in hand…all we know is that the pain has started to outweigh the pleasure for me and when that happens it is time to walk away. Of course I am saying that on the edge of Richard and L being away together for a long vacation and a heavy Jackson influence….a month ago I was in an entire different place. Regardless of all that we know there will be a time to let it go. And maybe it is now…maybe not….maybe now when there is still only love between us and no anger or resentment…only a shared sorrow that we can’t hold what is so precious to us both together. Or is it the wrong time because I need him so much…I need his judgment as I deal with Jackson and learn my place in that world, I need his support and love as I deal with the elephant haunting me.
Perhaps this is the very WORST time to be released…perhaps the day I pack up and move away or dress in my wedding gown would be the better day. I wonder if he is still willing to help me find Mr. Right if Jackson turns out to be a toad. What makes it harder right now is we are starting this new side of our relationship that is both appealing and intriguing to me. I know that I could be a part of something that would bring me great pleasure and if there is inevitable heartache at the end why not gather all the pleasure that I can right now. Is it wasting pleasure to deny myself what he gives me…would it take so much more of his time to assure I remain committed and Owned during the final days of our relationship?
I have been accepted by his wife…she likes me and wants me not only in his life but in hers as well. I really think that if given the choice at this point she would prefer I remain Owned by her husband. As you know they vacationed the past week…she purchased me lovely French lingerie during their trip. She suggested to Richard that I try it on for them both…things are so different on that end. Not that she doesn’t have hard moments….of course she does. But what has helped us both is that we seem to have developed a friendship between us.
Today when I was despairing I actually wanted to call her…to talk to her about Richard, about Jackson, about how I was feeling. So how do you redefine what should very well be ending? Will redefining it make it harder or easier? Can I be effectively dominated out of not needing Richard so much by the very man I need? Is that foolish…can he even do it? This is why I smiled tonight. The absurdity of it all actually makes sense to me.
It comes down to finding something wonderfully suited to yourself…a soul mate of sorts who knows me…really knows me and just not having enough of him. Funny how life brought us together, funny what I have both lost and gained in this past year. I have learned so much about myself…about relationships and what to hold onto and what to let go of. I have learned about sacrifice and how even sacrifice can be selfish. I have learned that people can do the unthinkable and lose so much in the name of love, selfish love. I have also learned that I am not the great judge of character that I once believed myself to be. Richard helped me with this.
I see people clearer than I ever thought possible and have learned to not judge myself too harshly because of it. Most importantly I have learned to love, to really love and to see the value in letting people love me. It is not coincidence that I look to men who are unavailable…I thought maybe it was…I don’t think so. Liam was mine…and I pushed him away time and time again because it was scary…it was risky to go where he was leading me. Richard was safer. Jackson is here now and is waving this amazing life in front of me and all I see are the red flags. Am I just scared of love…of love that I have to commit to, that I can commit to…where fidelity and monotony are expectations? To give myself to someone where I already can not see the natural end? In my mind do I still have those feelings of inadequacy telling me I don’t deserve, that I could never hold together a real relationship with a man who is devoted and committed just to me? I have a lot on my mind right now as I sort through this maze of feelings collecting and multiplying by the minute in my brain.
Am I ready to force Richard’s hand…do I ask to be released? Today we talked and tentatively agreed on a trial departure from what we have together. I don’t know what that means tonight except it made us both cry and feel the loss. I don’t know what to do without him yet I know I will survive. I know his love is the finest I have ever known…but it may not be the finest I will ever know. I can see a light ahead. Whether it ended today or it ends two months from now I do not believe this is all I will ever have or need or be…my life will not ever be defined by a man or by his dominion over me. It is my own will that will lead me to the softer side of this harsh reality…I will create my own soft place to fall even as use the tools given to me by Richard to do it. Wherever the next few days may lead me I know that through all the pain I will emerge on the other side a better stronger person for having felt it. The pain can come from letting myself love and be loved by Richard or the pain can come from walking away from him.
Which is sweeter….which will break my heart or are they one in the same? I told him tonight we can’t cold turkey each other and he agreed. I also believe that I can remain his submissive on a different level if that is where we choose to take it. I also know that if overnight he decides it is best to let me go I will accept that. Right now I am sitting in the spot where he held me so close to him today and I am remembering his words and the love on his face and in his eyes as he looked at me. We are a reflection of the other’s pain just as we have reflected this great pleasure and passion and connection we found together. Together I think we will solve this and walk away happy with what we shared and content in the memories of what we were to each other.
It just may not be today.
Tomorrow is another day and I will wake up with the one certainty and that is he loves me and needs me and whatever we do and whenever we do it it will be done because of that love and need we share.