progress..whatever that means

I have to admit I am smiling tonight.

I am not sure why except I am realizing my sense of humor is hard to suppress even when faced with the inevitable pain of letting people go or being let go. Maybe it is because L just called and invited me to lunch or that I know at this very second Richard is thinking of me. Admittedly when I returned to my office this afternoon after being with Richard I was moping as I smelled him on me and realized it was likely the last time. I couldn’t get the sadness of our conversation out of my mind. He held me so close to him today as I poured out my fears and needs and suggestions…we said so much yet we have concluded little that was not already known.

Tonight though I was thinking about the circles we twirl around and smiled at the truth in front of me. How very weak we are! We tried today to say goodbye…we actually did say goodbye and maybe we even meant it but already we look at ways to redefine what we have and not end it. I know where we are…he knows where we are. We both know what I have of him is not enough and that even if he could give me more at this point and I think he would if I asked it wouldn’t solve the problem that continues to lead us here.

I asked him what would change if he was not my Owner….if I asked for that part of myself back? What would change if he was only my Dominant? At this point can one step backwards? Can you clearly draw a line between the two with no overlap or ambiguity, would I want to? Would he? Can you go back to what you once had….and when was that? How long ago was he only my Dom and not the one I felt Owned by? I can’t remember only that it was early on and when I was still getting over the pain of letting M go.

We talked about M today and Richard compared what he could do for me now with what he did for me then. When I asked Richard to help me let go of that relationship he clearly defined his expectations regarding my contact with M. All TMs would be forwarded to him…all emails would be cc to him. I asked him to help me hold my resolve and not let me go backwards. I think he quite effectively Dommed Mark from my mind. Now I think he believes he can at my request Dom himself from my mind. I know….as crazy as that sounds it may actually work.

He can place demands on me that would make me less dependent on him…more dependent on myself or even Jackson. I told Richard that I know we are getting close to the day it is over…when it can’t be denied any longer. Perhaps I will relocate and proximity will play a role…or maybe I will fall in love with Jackson and want to be with him. Maybe I will just decide to be alone for awhile and grow that way…though I don’t do well alone. I have tried that. Maybe the two will go hand in hand…all we know is that the pain has started to outweigh the pleasure for me and when that happens it is time to walk away. Of course I am saying that on the edge of Richard and L being away together for a long vacation and a heavy Jackson influence….a month ago I was in an entire different place. Regardless of all that we know there will be a time to let it go. And maybe it is now…maybe not….maybe now when there is still only love between us and no anger or resentment…only a shared sorrow that we can’t hold what is so precious to us both together. Or is it the wrong time because I need him so much…I need his judgment as I deal with Jackson and learn my place in that world, I need his support and love as I deal with the elephant haunting me.

Perhaps this is the very WORST time to be released…perhaps the day I pack up and move away or dress in my wedding gown would be the better day. I wonder if he is still willing to help me find Mr. Right if Jackson turns out to be a toad. What makes it harder right now is we are starting this new side of our relationship that is both appealing and intriguing to me. I know that I could be a part of something that would bring me great pleasure and if there is inevitable heartache at the end why not gather all the pleasure that I can right now. Is it wasting pleasure to deny myself what he gives me…would it take so much more of his time to assure I remain committed and Owned during the final days of our relationship?

I have been accepted by his wife…she likes me and wants me not only in his life but in hers as well. I really think that if given the choice at this point she would prefer I remain Owned by her husband. As you know they vacationed the past week…she purchased me lovely French lingerie during their trip. She suggested to Richard that I try it on for them both…things are so different on that end. Not that she doesn’t have hard moments….of course she does. But what has helped us both is that we seem to have developed a friendship between us.

Today when I was despairing I actually wanted to call her…to talk to her about Richard, about Jackson, about how I was feeling. So how do you redefine what should very well be ending? Will redefining it make it harder or easier? Can I be effectively dominated out of not needing Richard so much by the very man I need? Is that foolish…can he even do it? This is why I smiled tonight. The absurdity of it all actually makes sense to me.

It comes down to finding something wonderfully suited to yourself…a soul mate of sorts who knows me…really knows me and just not having enough of him. Funny how life brought us together, funny what I have both lost and gained in this past year. I have learned so much about myself…about relationships and what to hold onto and what to let go of. I have learned about sacrifice and how even sacrifice can be selfish. I have learned that people can do the unthinkable and lose so much in the name of love, selfish love. I have also learned that I am not the great judge of character that I once believed myself to be. Richard helped me with this.

I see people clearer than I ever thought possible and have learned to not judge myself too harshly because of it. Most importantly I have learned to love, to really love and to see the value in letting people love me. It is not coincidence that I look to men who are unavailable…I thought maybe it was…I don’t think so. Liam was mine…and I pushed him away time and time again because it was scary…it was risky to go where he was leading me. Richard was safer. Jackson is here now and is waving this amazing life in front of me and all I see are the red flags. Am I just scared of love…of love that I have to commit to, that I can commit to…where fidelity and monotony are expectations? To give myself to someone where I already can not see the natural end? In my mind do I still have those feelings of inadequacy telling me I don’t deserve, that I could never hold together a real relationship with a man who is devoted and committed just to me? I have a lot on my mind right now as I sort through this maze of feelings collecting and multiplying by the minute in my brain.

Am I ready to force Richard’s hand…do I ask to be released? Today we talked and tentatively agreed on a trial departure from what we have together. I don’t know what that means tonight except it made us both cry and feel the loss. I don’t know what to do without him yet I know I will survive. I know his love is the finest I have ever known…but it may not be the finest I will ever know. I can see a light ahead. Whether it ended today or it ends two months from now I do not believe this is all I will ever have or need or be…my life will not ever be defined by a man or by his dominion over me. It is my own will that will lead me to the softer side of this harsh reality…I will create my own soft place to fall even as use the tools given to me by Richard to do it. Wherever the next few days may lead me I know that through all the pain I will emerge on the other side a better stronger person for having felt it. The pain can come from letting myself love and be loved by Richard or the pain can come from walking away from him.

Which is sweeter….which will break my heart or are they one in the same? I told him tonight we can’t cold turkey each other and he agreed. I also believe that I can remain his submissive on a different level if that is where we choose to take it. I also know that if overnight he decides it is best to let me go I will accept that. Right now I am sitting in the spot where he held me so close to him today and I am remembering his words and the love on his face and in his eyes as he looked at me. We are a reflection of the other’s pain just as we have reflected this great pleasure and passion and connection we found together. Together I think we will solve this and walk away happy with what we shared and content in the memories of what we were to each other.

 It just may not be today.

Tomorrow is another day and I will wake up with the one certainty and that is he loves me and needs me and whatever we do and whenever we do it it will be done because of that love and need we share.

14 thoughts on “progress..whatever that means

  1. “Am I just scared of love…of love that I have to commit to, that I can commit to…where fidelity and monotony are expectations?”

    Does fidelity HAVE to mean monotony?

    I’m posing this as a real question. I’ve yet to be in a monogamous relationship both rich enough and long enough for a fully researched answer, but like to believe it is possible to keep things alive and stimulating and loving over the years.

    I WANT to believe it….

  2. ‘where fidelity and monotony are expectations’ did you really mean monotony?! i can’t help but think you might have meant monogamy; a freudian slip? that makes me laugh so hard!!! good luck as you find your way, little one. thinking of you. xoxo

  3. Pixie…so many juicy questions. So many. You do indeed have lots of figure out.

    I have faced these many questions myself in my life…many times over. Love is the most intense pleasure there is I think. It is so intense that its terrifying alot of times….and most people don’t realize that intense pleasure is often times so much harder to tolerate than intense pain. Its just so…intimate. There is no hiding anything in the face of love.

    You are right to question yourself about your ability to invest in a relationship that is fully available to you.

    You will only know all the answers to this question when you actually do it.

    But I can share this with you about it….when you’ve found the right person to invest this kind of love and intention in, it will seem as natural as breathing to you…You won’t be able to imagine doing anything else.

    Richard is a gift in so many ways and your new friendship with L…Gee. The poly person in me wants to see you make a place in your life for these beautiful relationships that is nourishing to you all.

    But you must do what is right for you…and I hope that you’ll see that life is rarely an all or nothing proposition for most of us. Society makes us think that’s how the world works, but old ladies and men will tell you that’s BS 95% of the time.

    In my own life, when big decisions need to be made and when there’s way more questions than I can possibly answer about the future or about me and my relationship to it…I seek the stillness and silence in the center of me. I sit there while the whirl wind flows around me…all the thoughts and message and queries are swirling around me…but in the eye of that, there’s stillness…and if I sit there long enough, the stillness and silence will reach toward what’s right for me….and I need only follow my peace….and keep following it to have all that I need, to have all that’s right for me, to meet my destiny.

    You can do the same. If you do, you’ll know what’s right to do. If Richard does this, he’ll know what’s right for him as well. Hopefully there will be common ground that will give your love for each other a place to be expressed and you’ll be able to design a life that meets your needs in context with that.

    And if not, gee…you’ve got lots of amazing memories…if even a smidgen of what you’ve written here is any indication.


  4. Oatmeal Girl, I’m remembering that line from an Erica Jong book (she was possibly quoting someone else): “The bonds of marriage are so heavy it takes two to carry them….. sometimes three.”

    And I am on the phone with pixie (this a.m. she is dealing with her elephant), and she asks me to tell you: “yes I did mean mean monotony, but I could as well have said monogamy. Arent’ they the same thing?” lol

    pixie, dear pixie – what a wonderful description of yesterday. Wonderful in that it captures in a few words all the ambiguity and pain in the day, and yet leads us out of the darkness with a new appreciation for what we have and what we might still have.

    Yesterday, I too came back to my office and moped, and smelled you on me, your hair – it would have been unbearable but for the fact that we spent the entire afternoon chatting online.

    I am glad that we are both able to smile this morning, and even laugh – we share that irrepressible sense of humor. It will help us through this. And even L can laugh at the absurdity of it all. I repeated to her your line about wanting to talk to her, and when I asked what would you say, you said: “I’m breaking up with your husband and want you to talk me out of it.” We all laugh at that one. Just too funny.

    I also had to laugh when I read that you know where we are and I know where we are. Right, we’re both totally lost! lol. We are at a point where we will try to redefine our lives but we have very little idea of how that will work, if it will work, even what it will look like. But we will try.

    For the record I want to state my side of our disagreement yesterday – this is not something I am pushing you into, it is not what *I* want for either of us. It is not what I would choose. For me, this would go on as it is for as long as possible. And even for you, putting on my responsibility hat as your Dom and Owner, I would not push you away now because the more I hear about Jackson, the more I am convinced that he is not Mr. Right. This would be easier if I thought he was – and you don’t just see red flags, btw. You are very clear about his good qualities, but those red flags are very real. And L agrees, although she hears most of it through me- but that one TM in particular she heard directly from you. You should talk to her about him – as a sounding board. She won’t try to push you either way.

    So, as it was with M, it was your decision, not mine. All I did was help you stick to it. And every day I asked you to reconfirm that ending it with him was your choice, that you hadn’t changed your mind. The same here – you can say that your post was a snapshot, but it is a repeating one. The “good” posts in between (and yes, there are those) are all about you being content within the limits, and then the limits hit home and you know it isn’t enough. So when I told you it was time, it wasn’t because I want it, it wasn’t my decision. It was and is yours. You must remember that I gave that back to you a while back – we have an understanding that I will not worry about when it is time, you will tell me. And you ARE telling me over and over again.

    So yesterday, you changed it a little – you said the time is coming, you are giving me notice (I love that analogy), and we agreed not to go cold turkey, but to look for a path to the end. And so we will. And I will always be your confidant, your mentor, if you want that. I would be happy to play that role in your life for however long.

    Over the next few days, let’s explore what the new world might look like. Let’s see if there is a way – maybe it is more of me, maybe it is less. Maybe we can redefine some things. And whatever, we will hold on to the guiding principle: no anger, just sadness and pain, and always with love.

    Hang in there, pixie pie. We will survive all this.
    Love you,

  5. Pixies Elephant?

    I have ideas on that,more then likely I’m wrong..But I do wonder if its why shes been getting ill alot as of late? Hope all is well..sends you lots of love and blessings…

    His fawn….

  6. having just met you, this all seems so heartwrenchingly complex. i am wishing you the seperation you feel you need, and much peace in that (soft) place you land.

    xx, m

  7. Well now that you said that, it was on my list..only I couldn’t see Richard whippping a “Pregant Woman” so I crossed it out… Other things make one ill as well….Best wishes and prayers.

    His fawn….

  8. i have some idea what the elephant is…there’s really only one thing that i’ve ever heard refered to as an “elephant” in the room…i may never know if i’m right but i hope that what ever it is you are getting sufficent help to deal with it…if i can be of any help…even just as a voice in the darkness…let me know…

    hugs fown

  9. I just look up “elephant in the room”..
    is an English idiom for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed. There’s been no talk of a ‘pink elephant” an idiom for alcohol abuse.. So unless pixie tell us, will just have to continue wondering and hope all is well for her…

    His fawn…

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