Recently pixie said she asked to be released and I refused. Even more recently, comments have appeared telling her that as the submissive, she decides when to give a Dom the keys and she can equally take them back. I agree with this principle. And other comments have asked why I refused and how that works, so I thought I would address this question.
First, let me reiterate: a Dominant can dominate a submissive only so long as the submissive consents. If today pixie said “I am no longer going to submit to you,” my days as her Dominant are over. But what pixie actually said was “Richard, please release me.” Now I know this is a subtle difference, but there is a difference. She was asking me to agree with her that it should end. And I did not, as she claimed in her post :-), refuse. I said we needed to talk about it. I may well have refused to instantly say, “OK, you are free,” but such a precipitous decision would have been incredibly poor judgment on my part, and refusing to give that consent was perfectly appropriate. And as has often been the case, we talked about it, why she was asking, what things might be done that would change her mind, whether she really meant it, was she really ready for all the consequences of that request, and on and on. And up to this point, we have always agreed later that it was not the time, and we were both glad I did not accede to her request.
A little history for those who may have forgotten, twice in the past I have in fact released pixie. I did this under the mistaken belief that I could, or should, push her into another relationship. I was looking for Mr. Right, and when he threatened to leave pixie because of me, I tried to step out of the way. Instead, pixie just refused to end it with me and the potential Mr. Right withdrew his ultimatum. I slowly figured out that she had to manage those relationships, that I could not Dom her into a relationship, that I could not decide for her that she was or should be in love with someone. And so I gave up trying, and now I try to mentor her through those relationships, waiting to see where they take her.
And of course, as I have said before, the parts of pixie’s life which don’t show here always affect my decisions, and so there are times when you may well wonder why I am not agreeing to release her when it would be obvious if you knew her as I do. And that is all BEFORE the elephant which she has now told you about.
And that brings us to today, and the events leading up to her last two posts. In these posts she has clearly been sending me a message, one that she finds difficult or impossible to say to me face-to-face. That is ok, I understand that, and while I would prefer to find out what is on her mind in person rather than reading it here for the first time, I appreciate that writing it may sometimes be easier, and I truly appreciate that I learn about it from whatever source. It is better that I read it here for the first time with all of you than to never know what is going on inside that pretty pixie head. So what is that message she is sending me?
The message is simply: I see what you have with L, and it makes me realize what I don’t have, and that I need that. I know I can’t have it with you, and I know I need it. I need that thing, that long-term, committed relationship, with someone devoted only to me, even though I fear it as well, and have run away from it; I can see I need it.
And of course she does. More importantly, in the last year pixie has gotten over the horrid belief that somehow she didn’t deserve it. Now being the existentialist I am, I don’t believe any of us “deserves” anything, lol! But to the point, pixie is not undeserving – she has done nothing to warrant the belief that other people deserve something that she does not. It is simply not true that “I’ll never get married; no one would want me.” A verbatim quote, by the way. And now, in her post, she says “Most importantly I have learned to love, to really love and to see the value in letting people love me.” She is a good person, loving person, caring person, and worthy of the love of a man that is truly hers. This is a lesson she has learned in the last year, and I am happy for her – happy that she has come to see herself in a more positive light. She really has grown.
Above I have clearly stated the message I have gotten from these posts, and from my conversations with her. My first reading was that she was asking to be released. but today I believe she is finally acknowledging in her own mind, intellectually not emotionally, that she knows it will have to end. Yes, she has said it, we have both said it, many times. But she is now facing that fact head on, and seeing that there is an end and it may be sooner than we had hoped. And we are beginning to prepare for it.
On Wednesday, I did release her. I was met with a look of pain, of accusation, almost “why are you doing this to me?” I told her it wasn’t my choice, it was hers, that I heard the message. We disagreed some on this, perhaps we still do. I did think that the message sent was that she wanted to be released. But we’ve talked a lot, and some of that shows in subsequent posts and comments. Today, I think the message is as stated above, I know what I need and I know this isn’t going to get it for me. But it was also, don’t abandon me, help me get there, support me, counsel me. And so I will.
Last night, L and I visited pixie. As we tucked her in, and I gave her a last hug goodbye before we left, we agreed that I was not letting her go, that she did not want me to let her go, that she wanted to continue to try to find balance – the balance between needing me while preparing to “move forward.” Yes, we still need to define where we are. Yes, we will still evolve, and move forward, and slip backward. We are like fish on the dock – slipping and sliding every which way, jumping about, not knowing which way the water is. But we know how we feel, and we know what is important.