S/M

Release….refusal

 

Recently pixie said she asked to be released and I refused.  Even more recently, comments have appeared telling her that as the submissive, she decides when to give a Dom the keys and she can equally take them back.  I agree with this principle.  And other comments have asked why I refused and how that works, so I thought I would address this question.

 

First, let me reiterate: a Dominant can dominate a submissive only so long as the submissive consents.  If today pixie said “I am no longer going to submit to you,” my days as her Dominant are over.  But what pixie actually said was “Richard, please release me.”  Now I know this is a subtle difference, but there is a difference.  She was asking me to agree with her that it should end.  And I did not, as she claimed in her post :-), refuse.  I said we needed to talk about it.  I may well have refused to instantly say, “OK, you are free,” but such a precipitous decision would have been incredibly poor judgment on my part, and refusing to give that consent was perfectly appropriate.  And as has often been the case, we talked about it, why she was asking, what things might be done that would change her mind, whether she really meant it, was she really ready for all the consequences of that request, and on and on.  And up to this point, we have always agreed later that it was not the time, and we were both glad I did not accede to her request.

 

A little history for those who may have forgotten, twice in the past I have in fact released pixie.  I did this under the mistaken belief that I could, or should, push her into another relationship.  I was looking for Mr. Right, and when he threatened to leave pixie because of me, I tried to step out of the way.  Instead, pixie just refused to end it with me and the potential Mr. Right withdrew his ultimatum.  I slowly figured out that she had to manage those relationships, that I could not Dom her into a relationship, that I could not decide for her that she was or should be in love with someone.  And so I gave up trying, and now I try to mentor her through those relationships, waiting to see where they take her.

 

And of course, as I have said before, the parts of pixie’s life which don’t show here always affect my decisions, and so there are times when you may well wonder why I am not agreeing to release her when it would be obvious if you knew her as I do.  And that is all BEFORE the elephant which she has now told you about.

 

And that brings us to today, and the events leading up to her last two posts.  In these posts she has clearly been sending me a message, one that she finds difficult or impossible to say to me face-to-face.  That is ok, I understand that, and while I would prefer to find out what is on her mind in person rather than reading it here for the first time, I appreciate that writing it may sometimes be easier, and I truly appreciate that I learn about it from whatever source.   It is better that I read it here for the first time with all of you than to never know what is going on inside that pretty pixie head.  So what is that message she is sending me?

 

The message is simply: I see what you have with L, and it makes me realize what I don’t have, and that I need that.  I know I can’t have it with you, and I know I need it.  I need that thing, that long-term, committed relationship, with someone devoted only to me, even though I fear it as well, and have run away from it;  I can see I need it.

 

And of course she does.  More importantly, in the last year pixie has gotten over the horrid belief that somehow she didn’t deserve it.  Now being the existentialist I am, I don’t believe any of us “deserves” anything, lol!  But to the point, pixie is not undeserving – she has done nothing to warrant the belief that other people deserve something that she does not.  It is simply not true that “I’ll never get married; no one would want me.”  A verbatim quote, by the way.  And now, in her post, she says “Most importantly I have learned to love, to really love and to see the value in letting people love me.”  She is a good person, loving person, caring person, and worthy of the love of a man that is truly hers.  This is a lesson she has learned in the last year, and I am happy for her – happy that she has come to see herself in a more positive light. She really has grown.

 

Above I have clearly stated the message I have gotten from these posts, and from my conversations with her.  My first reading was that she was asking to be released.  but today I believe she is finally acknowledging in her own mind, intellectually not emotionally, that she knows it will have to end.  Yes, she has said it, we have both said it, many times.  But she is now facing that fact head on, and seeing that there is an end and it may be sooner than we had hoped.  And we are beginning to prepare for it.

 

On Wednesday, I did release her.  I was met with a look of pain, of accusation, almost “why are you doing this to me?”  I told her it wasn’t my choice, it was hers, that I heard the message.  We disagreed some on this, perhaps we still do.  I did think that the message sent was that she wanted to be released.  But we’ve talked a lot, and some of that shows in subsequent posts and comments.  Today, I think the message is as stated above, I know what I need and I know this isn’t going to get it for me.  But it was also, don’t abandon me, help me get there, support me, counsel me.  And so I will.

 

Last night, L and I visited pixie.  As we tucked her in, and I gave her a last hug goodbye before we left, we agreed that I was not letting her go, that she did not want me to let her go, that she wanted to continue to try to find balance – the balance between needing me while preparing to “move forward.”  Yes, we still need to define where we are.  Yes, we will still evolve, and move forward, and slip backward.  We are like fish on the dock –  slipping and sliding every which way, jumping about, not knowing which way the water is.  But we know how we feel, and we know what is important.

19 thoughts on “Release….refusal

  1. The dynamic between the two of you is hard to imagine. Do you ever wonder if you are doing’right’ by her by denying her? And pixie, do you worry that he can’t release you because he can’t be objective enough to do it? Will there always be a reason? Will he ever willingly allow you leave his life? pixie, has he in fact created in you a person who lacks the ability to ask for release and mean it even if it is what is best for you? I am NOT saying this is the best time to release her all signs point that it is not the best time but I wonder if there will ever be a time?
    Best of luck to you both.

  2. Doug,

    of course I wonder, …no, actually I worry. And so does pixie. And so does L. And all I can say is that it isn’t a subject we are afraid to discuss. We have and do talk about it.

    I think that in the past, I was the one talking about it in rational terms. As time goes along, pixie has come to terms with it on a rational level. Neither of us has proven very good at dealing with it emotionally.

    Each time we come close, I think we harden ourselves a bit, we absorb more of the pain and deal with it, and I hope that when the time really does come, we will make it happen and be better prepared to deal with it.

    I do know there will never be a good time, just as I know there will be a time. Even knowing that, let alone saying it, hurts.

    I don’t believe that I have created a person who can’t ask to be released and mean it. I don’t even think I have created a person who can ask and mean it, but not make it stick. I just think that it is the nature of our relationship that makes getting there and staying there difficult. I also think pixie is in the process of learning how to get there, and I am in the process of learning how to help her with it. We will both have to know it is time and want to make it stick before we will be able to do it.

    I know that from my perspective, and even from L’s, I (and we) want this relationship to continue. If pixie could be happy with it, we would make it last. We both know that the limitations, and pixie’s needs, will keep us from making it last as long as we would like it to. That is the hand fate has dealt us. That is what pixie and I have faced since the beginning, even when we weren’t facing it but were ignoring it. We will deal with it. Like I said, we know now more than ever what is really important in life – and we will do the best we can.

    Thank you for the good wishes.
    R

  3. If nothing else, Richard, please do not let Pixie settle for less because she can’t have what she wants with you. She can’t will herself to fall in love with someone nor can she deny the essence of what she is. To go to another man, knowing that he is wonderful and all the things she SHOULD want, but unable to even discuss her need for pain…she is setting herself up for a horribly sad relationship that will never, ever live up to what she has with you.

    It makes me cry.

    ~January~

  4. ImHO…it sounds like maybe release is to strong a word…maybe what pixie and You are looking for is a redefining of the total relationship between the three of you… something that allowed You and L to support her in a way that’s not “ownership” but more familial and comforting…

    hugs and good wishes to all of you…

    fown

  5. As always, Richerd, you analyse perfectly what is going on. Pixie did not ask for release. If she wants and needs release, she will probably just tell you she takes it.
    Not ask.

    You really helped her recreate herself into the woman she is now. Therefore I am confident she will know and feel when the right time to be released hase come.

    Best luck to both of you

  6. the depth and complexity of emotions are all surfacing…you are all being so thoughtful, gentle and caring to one another and that is what really matters here. what will follow may not be simple, but it with be where you need to go because it will carry the truth.
    much love
    xx, m

  7. I have so much respect for you Richard!
    To walk away at a time like this would be madness, yet so many others might take the easy option and walk.
    Not you, you are caring for Pixie when she needs you most.
    Relationships can be deeply hurtful when ended suddenly, a gradual withdrawal is the ideal… if only every man would realize this.

  8. Hi again, Ron

    I used to wonder what I had ever done to make you hate me. Now I just don’t care! So hate away! I’m sure it will make your life better.

    I suppose it might be related to the fact that I once had to ask you to refrain from sending pixie suggestive and, frankly, crude messages, which I did try to do in a gentlemanly fashion, and which, by the way, she asked me to do – it wasn’t me monitoring her email. Or maybe you thought I was condescending when I tried on many occassions to help you understand what our sadist/masochist relationship was like. I am sorry if it seemed that way – it wasn’t intentional. But I gave up caring, about you or about what you think of me.

    So the point of my comment is this: As I and others have noted, it really doesn’t help pixie, the one you claim to be so concerned about, to have you malign me here, or in private email, TM or IM’s to her as you have done in the past, nor will it help when (as I have predicted) you will gloat when I am gone. So why don’t you just stop pretending to care about her since all of your recent comments have been an effort to assuage your own fragile ego, rather than adding anything helpful to pixie.

    Disagree with me, fine. Express some thoughtful comment, positive or negative, that might be of use to pixie. You want to throw mud at me? Ask pixie for my email address and send it direct, and just leave her out of it. She doesn’t need this kind of crap from you ever, let alone at this point in her life.

    In short, whatever you have against me, direct it at me in private, not on pixie’s blog. If you want to disagree with what I’ve written, put it in a thoughtful, polite, comment. If you just want to take cheap shots with no content at all, take it somewhere else.

    Apologies to all for this rant.

    Richard

  9. What i feel most of this relationship is warmth, love and caring for each other. That’s what counts. I wish you all much love, happiness, good luck and strength.

    Sweet greetings, mo

  10. Pixie…sorry about that! I have recently moved my site and I guess I typed in the old website addy without thinking.

    This should get you there.

    Peace to you,
    ~January~

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