Feeling assault me. So much to think about, so much on my mind. Not bad stuff. Not clutter. Just things that require processing. They pile up around me and fall to pieces or solve themselves before I get a chance to sort through them.
I have spent the past half hour or so chatting by text message back and forth with L. She is in a place where I never expected her to be. She is curious about a role that I never expected her to want or to even find appealing. It is important to her that she feel a part of things. I tell myself that is why is cautiously finding her footing in what Richard and I share. I tell myself the idea of being a Dominant or Owning a ‘pet’ could not possibly be appealing to her. My arguments fall short and I am not able to convince myself. Truth is…..and I still struggle with understanding this- I sort of naturally defer to her. I also tell myself it has to be because of how intense I feel for Richard…his hold on me is strong. Is it possible that my feelings for him are so big they leak out onto her….is it something more? Am I in fact destined to become dually owned and Dommed? Is that even something I want?
I was chatting with Alex the other night and together we were exploring some of the differences in how I feel for L and what I shared with her. Remember Max and Alex are the couple that I met through Mark in Austin around this time last year. I have spent time with them since. I was trying to explain to Alex that I felt submissive to her even when Max was not in the room. I am not sure if I feel that way with L. I think it is out of respect and deference to Richard that I am able to submit to L. Submit is too big of a word at this point. She is not asking that of me. Yet when she questions me about something I do not feel as if I have the choice to answer or not…I do not feel as if a request from her is an option.
I also am attracted to Alex and have been since the first time we met. It is different with L. She is beautiful but there is no chemistry between us. I wonder if it is just that Richard pulls so much of that away from me there is nothing left to offer to her. I also have the desire to please L just as I had the desire to please Alex. In my day to day life I am NOT a people pleaser….so I know it is yet another symptom of my submissive spirit.
When L and I are chatting I get braver. I use that time where we are not face to face to throw a question at her or place an idea in her head to get her response. Tonight I did that. I often find her answers ane noncommitted and vague….laced with ambiguity at times. I compare her to Richard who gives it to me so straight. He understands my need for black and white and must realize the limbo I am in right now.
I am not sure of her role with me. I can’t rush it because she is still figuring it out. I know she does not see us as equals but that was from a lot of pushing and explaining on my part. I like being submissive to her because it pleases Richard. I liked being submissive to Alex because it pleased me. I am trying to understand the different pages of my submission and what page I am on. What page is she on? I am not sure…. I know that her book is wide open. She wants to learn and understand my mind and my need for in doing so she understands Richard.
They have invited me to accompany them on vacation. Do you believe that? It was her idea…she asked Richard if she could give me an assignment. She is stepping forward into this role and I am not sure how I feel about it. One side of my brain struggles to break free of her participation at all. Of course I want my time with Richard all to myself….this aspect of him I want to myself. I only want to give this side of myself to him. Yet the other side of my brain screams YES….isn’t this what I wanted all along? Is this not my ultimate fantasy…the desire that I have always had? Or is it? And what of what Richard wants….pleasing him..isn’t THAT my ultimate goal. So why am I worrying so? I will do as he asks. I will follow him into this knowing that whatever happens I will be safe and cared for and loved. I just don’t know what THIS is…I don’t even think he does yet. I know he understands my need. I know he feels my responses to L when she makes an attempt to be more than my friend. I am not even talking about sex here…nothing physical. I am speaking of the mind…of feeling subservient…of feeling owned. I can’t help where my submissive spirit leads me.
I am open to it all right now. I am wanting to step into whatever is right around that corner calling to me. I have a feeling that I have a place here with them. And that it is good. That it will be good for me. That in serving them both I will feed that part of me that needs it so. That part I only pretend to understand, that part of myself that my readers think I have all figured out. I only know that Richard has been my solid ground. I welcome anything that supports that. He tells me he has never felt stronger in his Ownership of me. I feel that. I am letting myself feel that. I worried a few days ago that I had less of him. When I was away I didn’t feel the panic…or the loss as much as I did before. It was only after I returned home that I realized it wasn’t distance that settled my heart it was that my feeling of being owned by him lingered with me. It doesn’t fade anymore when he steps away to travel or attend to business. I miss him. But I do not stumble in my submission to him.
I am growing. I feel that. I feel stronger and am only realizing what I am inside. I have faced over the past few months things that once would have broken me. Only they never touched me…not like I expected. I said final goodbyes to people who once held my heart so deeply I thought I would never breath again….but I did. It didn’t break me. Not like I once feared. I feel like somehow there is a shelter over me. It keeps me dry and keeps the pain away and that can only be good for me. I feel that L contributes to that. She shelters me as much as Richard does just in a different way. She gives me the gift of her time. Not quite a mother figure but something resembling that. So what if she is not ready to call it Owner yet…so what if I am not ready to let that in. It is a path we are slowly walking, a trail that Richard has marked for us.
I am learning that it isn’t so much what is waiting at the end that matters….what really matters is all that you see and do and learn on the way.