I am disappointed in myself. I get comments and emails from friends that read my blog…some random curious readers…some long time readers that have followed my story for over a year now. They ask me questions because they assume I know a lot about submission…it is so much a part of me. I am a good submissive to Richard.
I accused him this weekend of failing me when in truth I failed him. Today he reminded me of my role in his life…what it means to him and what he expects from me. He reminded me that I can be and should expect to be placed on the shelf when he does not want or need to play with me. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me or need me or is not thinking about me….it means that there are other ways I serve him. Some require my presence…some do not.
He had the right to call on me this weekend and expect me to see him…to serve him. He owns me. I do not have the right to feel sad or angry about not having the same rights….he reminded me of all of that today.
Richard rarely punishes me. It goes against what our relationship means…almost as much as my reactions to him over the weekend did. I stand by my earlier post….yes I wrote it one sided. This is my blog after all and I am allowed to express my perception of things…even if it is easy for him to rip it a part with trivial things like fact and accuracy…perception is reality.
Part of my punishment is to offer a public apology to Richard here in front of my readers. This is humbling to me and I feel somewhat humiliated being made to do this…..my other punishment is one that I have to think about a little longer. It involves a new crop that Richard purchased and a container of clothes pins. Today as we sat together his hands roamed possessively over my body he told me what he was going to do. He will cover me with clothespins and then use to crop to remove them.
I am not sure how I feel about this. I am still struggling with feeling as if he misunderstood me…misread my cues and now I am to be punished for being disrespectful and for misunderstanding him.
My Owner….I apologize to you for my behavior. I allowed myself to feel angry and petulant. I should have been gracious to you and to L when invited to share your private time instead of focusing on my own needs and what I felt I needed to ultimately be a better submissive to you. I am sorry for the confusion and angst I caused L….I hope she accepts the apology that I sent to her earlier.
I truly am sorry. I was wrong. I was sad and angry and confused….I had expectations that were unreasonable. I will do better.