S/M

humbled

I am disappointed in myself. I get comments and emails from friends that read my blog…some random curious readers…some long time readers that have followed my story for over a year now. They ask me questions because they assume I know a lot about submission…it is so much a part of me. I am a good submissive to Richard.

 

Usually.

 

I accused him this weekend of failing me when in truth I failed him. Today he reminded me of my role in his life…what it means to him and what he expects from me. He reminded me that I can be and should expect to be placed on the shelf when he does not want or need to play with me. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me or need me or is not thinking about me….it means that there are other ways I serve him. Some require my presence…some do not.

 

He had the right to call on me this weekend and expect me to see him…to serve him. He owns me. I do not have the right to feel sad or angry about not having the same rights….he reminded me of all of that today.

 

Richard rarely punishes me. It goes against what our relationship means…almost as much as my reactions to him over the weekend did. I stand by my earlier post….yes I wrote it one sided. This is my blog after all and I am allowed to express my perception of things…even if it is easy for him to rip it a part with trivial things like fact and accuracy…perception is reality.

 

Part of my punishment is to offer a public apology to Richard here in front of my readers. This is humbling to me and I feel somewhat humiliated being made to do this…..my other punishment is one that I have to think about a little longer. It involves a new crop that Richard purchased and a container of clothes pins. Today as we sat together his hands roamed possessively over my body he told me what he was going to do. He will cover me with clothespins and then use to crop to remove them.

 

I am not sure how I feel about this. I am still struggling with feeling as if he misunderstood me…misread my cues and now I am to be punished for being disrespectful and for misunderstanding him.

 

My Owner….I apologize to you for my behavior. I allowed myself to feel angry and petulant. I should have been gracious to you and to L when invited to share your private time instead of focusing on my own needs and what I felt I needed to ultimately be a better submissive to you. I am sorry for the confusion and angst I caused L….I hope she accepts the apology that I sent to her earlier.

 

I truly am sorry. I was wrong. I was sad and angry and confused….I had expectations that were unreasonable. I will do better.

53 thoughts on “humbled

  1. I it hard, sometimes, watching from the outside, seeing these snapshots as they flash by, to give an informed comment on your posts.

    However, I would say that even the best submissive is still a human being, no matter how much you might strive to be a pet or toy. Does wanting respect for one’s feelings as a submissive mean failure in the role?

    I don’t know enough about submission to comment on whether your punishment is a good or bad thing but I do worry that to be a “good” submissive means the gradual erosion of the self.

  2. I do know enough about my own submission to comment. The punishment is of course what you need (although…ouch at the clothespins/crop). You won’t be able to forgive yourself until you are punished. However, as I commented on the last post, I understand what you were feeling and why you acted the way you did. You were very hurt and pretty much (as my mom used to say) cutting off your nose to spite your face. It’s not my place to disagree with his refusal to talk with you, but I do disagree with that. I think there is a constant need to know you are important in the life of your dominant and I think the emotional pain of not talking with him when you’re at your worst causes scars that take a long time to heal. You’ve been thru so much in these past few months and I can’t imagine how hard this whole thing is for you. Or maybe I can imagine – and that’s why I feel sad for you.

    I hope the punishment takes place soon and you can feel more peace and less angst.

    Hugs,
    Blush

  3. I’ve been a longtime reader of your blog Pixie, since Jan. ’07. I’ve seen good/bad and always thought to comment. You’re far from perfect but I think that’s what makes people relate to you. You’re honest about it all, as much as you can be. You stumble, you make mistakes that you don’t even realize are mistakes and you blame yourself when you shouldn’t. Who hasn’t done this? But you have an open honesty that draws people to you.

    I may often disagree with things from MY perspective as an outsider looking in, but it’s rare that I think something is so wrong, I’m moved to comment.

    Yes, part of submission is that you can be placed on a shelf, rules changed and Richard can do what he wants. However, he violated the trust you gave him with both his actions and his punishment. You will work this out with him because you love him too much to leave right now. But it’ll remain a sad moment on your heart when you realize your place with him has limits that will never satisfy you.

    I hope when it comes to an end, likely sooner than later, that you’ll be ok. That you remember the love in a positive way and simply realize it can’t be the fullness you need. This “snapshot” is one seen more than the happy ones.

    Best of luck and hopefully all is well,
    reader

  4. yeah, what they said.
    The putting you on the shelf comment makes me feel a little pissy for you. Makes me think of that old movie, nobody puts baby in the corner type of thing.
    Much Love.

  5. pixiepie,
    I have a hard time believing Richard would withhold affection from you as a way to punish you. Everything I have heard, saw and read from him points to that being inaccurate. I am not discounting your feelings. This IS a highly emotionally charged situation. Richard’s wife is as emotional as you are and I imagine his plate is as full as it has ever been.
    I feel sorrow for you that time and time again you are seeing you are not his priority. Every time it hurts you and everytime you act as if it is a first time lesson for you. You need your role reinforced but you also need to feel the postives of what it means to be his sub. Right now you are feeling the restrictions and confinements of it. What is he doing to reinforce the goodness of what you two share. Right now your needs and your dependency has taken on a negative tone- not good for you pixiepie. Perhaps if Richard uses his dominance to set and reinforce rules for you to build your security without breaking you down or hurting L then this may work.
    Take care of yourself and do not be ashamed to feel pain. Often your first reactions are the most accurate. Richard be careful making her second guess her reactions. It is her intuition that will keep her safe when you are gone.

  6. At one point in my life I was in a relationship with someone I loved but over time the relationship changed. There were times it was perfect but outside of those moments I spent a lot of time reminiscing.

    I had friend sit me down and they asked me to step back and think about if I had a friend, feeling and going through what I was dealing with, what advice I would give them. That made me step back and think because while I was great at being objective with my friends I did not treat myself in the same manner. I tended gloss over the bad and focus on the good or the past. I was living in those perfect moments but outside of those moments I felt alone in a room full of people.

    I ended up walking away which was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life but in the long run it was the right choice for me. I am not saying that is what you do but it is so easy to lose yourself in your submission. As a submissive it is in our nature to please, to want to make him happy, to put his needs above all else but at what point do you start sacrificing your needs for his. Only you can define your submission but do not forget your submission is a gift, one that should feed your soul and wrap you in security.

    Good luck! You will be in my thoughts!

  7. I have pointed out to pixie how one-sided her prior post was. When quoting TM’s she conveniently left out all the words of encouragement and love, leaving nothing but the dominance which seemed harsh. And she failed to fully convey the disrespect which came through in some of her TM’s. This punishment is not about her feelings, which I will discuss below. It is about that disrespect.

    pixie got her world turned upside down for a bit. Yesterday we discussed what happened and she complained that if she felt a need to see me over the weekend, she could not call, but if I needed to see her, I could just waltz in and interrupt her weekend. I responded, “yes, and what would be your point?” After all, isn’t that what Ownership is all about? The toy does not cry out from the shelf “play with me now.”

    I recognize that pixie misses me on the weekends, just as I miss her. And I told her that anytime events came about where I could see her on the weekend, I would encourage those events, I would put them into motion. When L suggested a trip to the shore because she hadn’t been there for a long time, and because she knew that I would like to see pixie, and even said that SHE would like to see pixie, I said “great, let’s do it.” And I will do that every time. And it was all done with good intentions.

    The “rules” do not have to be created equal. And if I make a “rule” I can change that rule or make exceptions to it. And I put “rule” in quotes because pixie and I have agreed that what governs our weekends are not “rules” but understandings. She will not contact me unless there is an emergency. That has never stopped me, or L, from contacting her, which has happened on many occasions. This “rule” has never worked both ways. And pixie’s claim that she was hurt by my asking to see her at the beach, and denying her request, almost insistence, on seeing me later in the evening at home, reverses our roles. The submissive does not make such demands on her Owner, least of all in the tone of disrespect that pixie used.

    I know that pixie has needs outside of her need to serve and please her Owner. And I also know that I cannot always fill all of those needs. I do pay attention to those needs. And I do the best I can under the circumstances of balancing the sometimes conflicting needs of two women. But pixie cannot lose site of the fact that the D/s dynamic from the perspective of the submissive is primarily meeting the needs of her Dominant, and taking pleasure from that. D/s 101, if you will. And she lost sight of that for a while this weekend.

    There have been several comments about what a small thing it would have been for me to have allowed pixie to call me. I think that we must remember that even if pixie and I were in a 24/7 relationship, I will not drop everything I am doing every time pixie thinks she needs to talk to me, regardless of how helpful it might be to her at any moment. Sometimes I will; often I will not. Every time my cat meows, he does not get to sit on my lap. When my children call, they do not necessarily get my immediate attention. And all this would be true if there was no L in the picture. If, just as an example, I am in the middle of a serious and important conversation with L (often about our relationship with pixie, lol), I may not interrupt it to take a call from pixie unless it is a real emergency. That isn’t “being mean” on my part, it isn’t neglect, it is the thoughtful ordering of priorities. As I said to pixie in an email after the “Not tonight. Email me” text message she has quoted, you must trust me to make these decisions for all of us. And she must.

  8. Ricard…

    Said like a Dom….I can’t speak for others when I say I wondered who was in control here…..You just cleared that up..

    His fawn

  9. I feel the need to restrain my comments as I’d love to call Richard a few unpleasant names right now but I know Pixie wouldn’t want that.

    Suffice it to say, I really do get your dynamic but I am still so proud of Pixie.

    Maybe, Richard, you should realize that your wife being in the picture has changed a lot and Pixie needs to do what she can to keep her self-respect and some form of independence. She is the one alone at the end of the day and some women maybe weren’t meant to sit on a shelf until needed, submissive or not. I know you own her, but something about this episode just doesn’t feel right.

  10. I don’t know maybe its just me….I find myself in disagreement with a lot of you about pixie’s behavior… as submissive myself I would never talk to Master the way pixie does to Richard …I do understand pixie acting out trying to find her place in Richard’s life…but it doesn’t excuse it…

    As a submissive myself I have always felt my behavior good or bad reflects on my Dom ,that when one looks at me His fawn..they are seeing Him… When one hands over themselves to another, one must trust that person to do the corrct thing by them…If pixie doesn’t trust Richard this relationship is going to fail…No Richard isn’t a perfect Dom anymore than pixie is a perfect submissive they are both growing towards those goals.

    And placing blame on L isn’t right nor is it fair..
    Pixie’s first choice wasn’t a poly relationship nor was it L’s…though pixie did know about “the wife” way before L knew about the “submissive”..

    Maybe I’m too hard on Pixie…but in all fairness she knew Richard was married going in.. I often get the impression if pixie isn’t the center of attention at all times, she doesn’t like nor handle it well…at least that is what one sees when reading her blogs… But in all fairness to pixie thats not all one sees.. Pixie is warm , playful, loyal and very very sweet and beyond all doubt love’s Ricard…

  11. i agree with His fawn.

    It appears pixie was angry all weekend, and then acted out to hurt them like she felt she was hurt by no contact on the weekends.

    pixie knew of L, and yes, L will be a bigger priority than pixie, they have many years history together, while pixie’s history with R is short and limited. It is one thing to be a Dom’s submissive, but it is not a fulltime commitment nor is it a relationship based on companionship which is something that R & L have, and should be respected.

    Richard’s comment here i applaud, He let pixie know her behavior was disrespectful and very selfish.

    i have found, that as a submissive, if my Master’s needs are being met, mine are met. It is not my place to put my needs ahead of His, He determines when my needs are stronger.

    pixie there is a part of you that knows deep down, you behaved as a child that wanted to manipulate and control. you deserve whatever punishment R hands out.

  12. *smiles* Wow…some of your comments today are full of static and heat pixie.

    My comment is that I’ll bet you’ll end up enjoying that caning pixie and that you’ll feel really safe having the boundaries explained to you again in such an erotic way.

    And I am more than sure that Richard has heard every feeling and complaint you’ve uttered here about any of this and that he’s heard the emotion behind the defiant remarks in texts and such…but I have to agree with him that there is an order to doing this D/s thing. It may not always be pleasant to proceed in this order, but it creates a sense of safety to have the boundaries always there and not negotiable….to know that they will be there even when you push against them really hard in order to express feelings that are bursting out of you and in order to ensure that your rules will be there even though everything is changing and that they will be enforced.

    And I have a sneaking suspicion that unconsciously you feel seriously afraid that your illness has rendered you incapable of pleasing Richard no matter how much reassurance he offers you and that pissing him off to this extent so that you can get a ripping hard punishment is a way to prove to yourself that you are still capable. *winks*

    I feel sure that the very valid emotions you felt over the weekend will be dealt with kindly and effectively and that you’ll feel much better once all the dust settles and even a bit chagrined…and I’m sure that Richard will take care of the parts that he might have done better once you feel safe enough to stop being defiant about expressing those feelings.

    Setting you on your ass is what’s going to make you feel safe enough to stop being defiant. You know that I think. *smiles*

    And pixie…Just a point from a friend. That was an okay effort at an apology at the end, but it was still petulant overall….I have a feeling that you aren’t scoring points with this effort and you might want to try again.

    Hang in there.

  13. “…safe enough to stop being defiant.” That’s exactly how I see Pixie’s behavior. Is it no wonder that she feels unsure right now? It’s up to Richard to make it better.

    For the ‘perfect’ ones who pointed out that they would (gasp) never act as she did…bully for you! I’m so very proud of you that you would NEVER be so disrespectful. Of course, if you were to be in Pixie’s situation, you would most probably demand the sympathy of everyone around you. Get off your high horses. It’s very unattractive.

  14. Blush…

    NO one is perfect nor did I claim to be… and actually I am in a poly relationship and I don’t deman any sympathy nor do I wish any.. I simply said I wouldn’t speak to my Master that way..Nor am I on my High Horse.. I happen to like pixie just because I don’t agree with her behavior doesn’t mean otherwise.I happen to wish Pixie the Best..
    And when it comes down to it..it doesn’t matter what you or I think…It only matters what Richard thinks…

  15. Pixie,

    I’m not going to weigh in on whether you’ve been a good submissive or whether Richard was right in what he did. I don’t know what any of us would do in this situation. I know that I have reacted negatively at times in my submission, so I’m not going to judge.

    I just hope you both are able to come back together and restore your connection. There is great love between you and Richard and I know that you both can find your way back.
    Best and be strong,
    Kitten

  16. just to add a little bit on the subject…i think that the comment about neither L nor pixie being prepared for a poly relationship was right on the money. Both women have been put into a situation, neither seemed properly prepared for,by their love for the same man. It seems to me that this requires much more sensitivity from Richard and a special kind of amazing. i wish them all luck…

    fown

  17. I weighed in on this when I commented on the previous post. Now, I am simply here to say I wish you all the best. We can comment until we’re blue in the face, but it is Richard, L and pixie that will work this out. I hope lessons are learned and a greater understanding is the outcome of this situation.

    Lucy

  18. I must say, I have many opinions on this subject but I am going to keep schtum! I think that perhaps some of the reactions/comments above come from how *we* would feel if we were placed in this situation and not how Pixie should/is feeling. Not that there is anything wrong with this, but it just makes being objective that little bit harder…….hence me keeping me trap shut!

    Bring on the next snapshot (and hopefully it is a good one!)

  19. “I could just waltz in and interrupt her weekend. I responded, “yes, and what would be your point?” ”

    If you believe this series of nonsense Richard you are not worthy of pixie. She is your submissive. Where is the respect that you OWE her just for being in that role? Do you really think you have the right to ‘waltz’ in and take away her private time and space even as she is respecting your. wtf? My first reaction was who do you think you are?
    When her well being and emotional health stops being a priority to you it is time to release her.
    Your comment to pixies brave and forced apology was arrogant and an insult to what pixie places at your feet. The saddest part of it is that she doesnt see it. Yet. You should be ashamed of yourself.

    We can call her anytime, we can see her anytime, that is part of her submission…bull shit. It is about a hard on in your pants that you have that over her. Ask yourself if it good for her or good for you. Your answer will be “Me and your point is.”
    You are an elitest bastard and are taking advantage of what she is offering you in truth and honesty.
    Place too many limits on that and you will get what you deserve and it is not her.

  20. Questions:

    Does being owned mean family, friends, work, health (both mental and physical) come second…..?

    And if so, how can people function productively this way day to day?

  21. Reading this and the previous post brought a sadness to my heart and tears to my eyes.

    Pixie is having to fight for her life right now and just wanted stability and connection.

    It may be true that toys don’t ask to be played with… but us humans are not made of plastic. If we were we wouldn’t have to worry about negative emotions eating away at our insides.

    I worry about my guilt eating away at me too. I wish I could let it fly and stop contemplating what might happen to me if I don’t.

    It sounds like Pixie knows exactly how she is feeling about this situation.

    As for her forced apology, it really doesn’t mean anything, does it?

    Love to you Pixie! xxxx

  22. Here is a thought:

    pixie has given Richard control of her dating, but she should have control over when and where she sees Richard?

    Only the two of them can define the lines of her submission and His control. It seems she is fighting it a bit.

    As a submissive, yes we are sometimes faced with a decision our Master makes, that we might not like, is it then that we say, “oh i’m just human i have feelings and not submit?”

    We again, only saw a snapshot of her side of things.

  23. I agree with Mali, and a little with M too. It is apparent to your readers pixie that you were looking for guidance and maybe even a little extra attention.
    Big fucking deal girl…I think you are entitled to some extra atrtention and hand holding right now. If Richard can’t see that then he really is not worthy of you. If he were a family member or a boyfriend and you needed him would he deny you especially in light of what was going on? He sounds as if he did it because he could and maybe because he wanted to show L -see I can put the toy on the shelf. I don’t need her and I can ignore her.
    Cold and cruel.

  24. Put pixie on the self to show L that he could ? In Pixies previous post she said L was depressed and need time alone with Richard….Is everyone forgetting when Pixie was so ill Richard and L going over to pixie’s to take care of her? That L helped cleaned up pixie and mothered her?? So this weekend instead of all going to the beach L needed some alone time with her husband is that unfai ??..Pixie just had some alone time with Richard the day before…. No.. Richard shouldn’t ignore pixie..and its seem to me that On Sunday they “Richard and L” wanted to make that up to pixie and spend time with her……

    His fawn

  25. lost pixie….you sound sad and lost.
    that makes me sad. is R holding your hand through this or is that against the rules.

  26. even as a submissive, it is human nature to want and to have needs…it is only natural that they escape us every once in a while. enjoy the punnishment my dear, and try not to beat yourself up.

    xx, m

  27. Pixie,
    The mixed signals you are getting from Richard are not creating a safe place to feel loved. Submission can only happen if you feel safe and the responses are consistent. Without consistent rules, you cannot let yourself be vulnerable.

    Richard has crossed the line from dominance into selfishness. What are you getting out of this at this point?

    -Jessica

  28. Pixie you have said that you want, need and even deserve someone of your very own…..someone with whom you are top priority where there are No limitations, rules, fitting you in when its convenient for him, sharing etc….. Is this still your desire? or are you happy accepting and being almost made to beg for the crumbs that are now being dropped……having no right to ask for more even tho it seems you are starving.

    The hardest part of growing up is learning to do what’s right for you…even if that means breaking someone’s heart….including your own.

    I hope you find what is right for Pixie….. Richard/L or no Richard/L …..and then embrace it, grow in it and above all be happy within.

  29. so let me get this right.

    you need him..you ask for him…he refuses you and then you get punished for it.

    uh…WTF?

  30. no drew..

    She had him..needed more of him..he said no not now… then he called her and said now..she said no..thats why she is getting punished….

  31. For the most part subs receive punishments simply because their Dom desires it. Richard punished pixie to prove to L he could control pixie.

    I guess he proved his point.
    And how is pixie today? We need to hear how you are, my dear.

  32. I’d be very interested in knowing, His Fawn, exactly what your role is in your poly relationship? Unfortunately there is nothing linked to your name, but of course I have a guess based on your comments and I’d like to see if I am close to correct.

    Thanks so much!
    Blush

  33. Mike, I don’t really agree with you about the punishment statement. For most submissives (and obviously for Pixie too – based on many of her posts) it is the most horrible feeling to know you’ve disappointed your Dom and have caused the need for him to punish you. Punishment and play are two entirely different things. To play at punishment, do it at whim, or deliberately cause your submissive to need punishment is cruel. To play with him/her at whim – that’s entirely different.

    I don’t think Richard deliberately caused Pixie to ‘fail’ him with this, but as I’ve already stated, the way he handled the whole situation makes me sad for her.

  34. one more post..sorry pixie.. blush for the record I am not His girl or any other commenting here.. just His fawn..thanks you..

  35. What an interesting post and commentary. i remember thinking those same words back in the days. It’s easy to think there’s a switch for controlling the “turn on submission” “turn it off”. It is my belief, through experience and all that i’ve come to know and have read, you can’t fake it. Either you are submissive to someone or you’re not.

    You said it best: you just are to Richard. But not a doormat for everyone else.

    Anyway, i have much catching up to do but wanted to peak in and reiterate my sentiment. i’m late to the party, but i knwo where you’re coming from.

    xoxx

  36. wow…i am humbled at times that my readers are willing to offer so many comments and views to my posts.
    it would take me all day to respond to all of them the way i wish i could…some are funny…some are valued because they make me see things about myself…some are just based on opinion and others are just totally off the wall….for example…His girl…you say i was angry all weekend. if you read my prior post you would see i was anything but angry….i describe my mood all day saturday as peaceful and happy.

    i enjoy reading everyone’s words….thank you to those who offer meaningful advice, comments and insight…and extra thank you to those who just make me smile.

    truth is…i was disrespectful to my owner..regardless if i was reaching out for some extra attention or just trying to feel safe with him…i did it in the wrong way. i owed him the apology and i meant it.

  37. Thank you His Fawn. I know it’s not appropriate blog protocal to ask questions of other commenters like that. Thank you for answering.

    Blush

  38. i can appreciate your response pixie.

    i have read your post, and yes you talk of finding peace, but here’s just a thought. if you were at peace why did you react to them wanting to see you as you did? you wrote you felt violated, indignant. your response to their wanting to see you seems angry, and if you were at such a peaceful place and feeling strong, why would your owner & his wife wanting to see you cause you to react so and be disrespectful?

    our subconscious and hold many things at bay and are triggered very easily.

  39. good morning, my pixie pie,
    I think this proves the point made a while back, it isn’t the sex that excites people, it is the drama. If we ever get this right and sail along smoothly, what will your readers do? lol. 🙂

    I just wanted to reiterate, the punishment was not for the “feelings” but for the way they were expressed. I think you and I are on the same page on this. As we discussed, the second part of your punishment will be converted to pleasure – we’ll do it because it will be fun, not punishment. That just seems appropriate under all the circumstances.

    I would not withhold my affection to punish you – that would be cruel. I am not taking any action to “prove” anything to L. That too would be cruel, and unnecessary, I might add. L gets it now, and doesn’t need proof, nor would I ever take any action toward you with that motive even if L didn’t get it.

    Other than that, I won’t stir the pot with specific responses. You and I and L have all moved past this bump in the road and will now turn toward planning our mini-vacation together.

    I want to second pixie’s thank you for all the comments, especially those thoughtful ones, especially those that remember that pixie is a real person, living a real life, full of ups and downs, sometimes painful ones – comments that don’t make sport of it. This was a very painful event, for all three of us. That we have worked through it so quickly, and come out in such a good place, is remarkable. And we are in a good place. 🙂 The sun is shining, both figuratively and literally.

    Now I want to help pixie slow down some and focus more on getting her health back. Do you hear me, ms. pie? Slow down and take care of yourself! Can’t wait to have you home again.
    love, R

  40. *smiles*….

    Very glad to see you both happy again and the sun shining down on three of you…

    Your welcome Blush.. *smiling softly*…just one thing.. it’s “His” fawn..not His “Fawn” …thanks you

    His fawn

  41. Sure thing! I’ve never believed in lowercasing someone online due to their submission to someone else, but I’m happy to do it for those who request it 🙂

  42. pixie,

    i agree with R…rest…relax…get better…and i’m glad to hear, read, that you have all gotten to a good place out of all this.

    fown

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