I have this insatiable desire to please Richard. It is a feeling that gnaws at me at times….forcing me to reflect on my flaws and imperfections. I have been Richard’s submissive for almost a year. The day rolls closer and I am in awe of the changes I feel within myself. I notice that I tend to look at things with a new sense of maturity. I think that Richard has taught me that. I have this small little bag of gifts that he has given me that I carry around with me all the time. I don’t always remember to use them but when I do my days are smoother, less hectic.
I am also more in tune with my body. I have more self control; I am less impetuous, more focused. I also have the ability to almost control my orgasms. Tuesday night we were together and I realized that a word from him can bring my release to the surface or stifle it until he is ready for it. It truly is amazing because part of me wonders if I have truly learned to control my own orgasm or is it my body’s response to his command. I guess there is no way of knowing…and I suppose it doesn’t matter at all.
I also realize that there are so many different levels of D/s…and that it is real and not just something that people read about. It is significant because we are real people here in blog land that risk so much just to tell our story. And that it is valued and meaningful to so many people. That is pretty special to me.
Richard taught me that a person can risk a lot to finally be true to oneself. I am honored that I was able to assist him in this. I know what I mean to him. He amazes me…his capacity to give and to love is nothing short of inspiring. I hope that years from now I will be able to follow his lead and love the way he loves. When I think of what he did to make sure he could keep me in his life and stop leading a double life I feel very proud of him. I know, it feels and may even sound odd because I have no right to be proud of him. I think he should be proud of himself. I admire his strength in sitting L down and telling her the truth. I know a lot of people have commented here that it appears as if R has his cake and gets to eat it too. Perhaps that is true but really….what is wrong with that? He is doing it openly and honestly with two women who by their own choosing are sticking by him to make it work.
I remember one of my last conversations with Mark. He said that perhaps there are just things a person has to sacrifice for other people, that there are things one just has to be willing to give up for someone else. He was speaking of his own dominance and what it meant to him, perhaps even what I meant to him. I can see his point. But my counter point….is yes, but why should you have to? Would you lose the part of your personality that makes you laugh, or makes you cry or makes you love someone else if it pacified your spouse/significant other? And what does it say about the person who is asking you to forsake that part of yourself that defines a side of you they refuse to understand? I don’t understand that way of thinking the way I once did. It seems to me that is backwards thought and confining and selfish. I hope I never find myself in a relationship that would ask me to forsake part of my core. I refuse to be loved just for what is acceptable to that person. It is settling and too much sacrifice and I won’t….no I can’t and shouldn’t have to do it.
I see L as nothing short of amazing. Most women would have allowed pride and their own pain to get in the way of what was really being communicated. He was saying this is what I need to be whole…can you allow me to have it, would you deny me? At one time I said to L that in her shoes I would have walked away, I would have been hysterical and forced ultimatums even not knowing the outcome….I would have left. And I would have lost. Now though through her example I have learned that love is the most unselfish of characteristics that make us human, or at least it should be. Through their combined influence on my life my capacity to love and to be loved has increased. How do you thank someone for that? Is that not D/s in its purest form…is that not love in its purest form? I don’t even know what to do with that other than sit quietly and absorb it and learn from it.
I have learned a valuable lesson about love. I have learned that somewhere a long the way we are conditioned to think that love comes around once and when it does you need to latch onto it. I have learned this could not be further from the truth. Love does come around…but there is no limit on when it does or even when it can. I think that loving Richard taught me that. I see that love is not a measured cylinder in your body that can be used up or emptied. It is ever filling and often overflowing. I loved Liam while I was in love with Richard. I have no doubt that Richard loves me- really and deeply loves me just as I have no doubt he loves L. Him loving L does not take away from the love I get from him. I need to be reminded of that sometimes. (Especially when the built in dynamics and just the politics of our given roles cover my eyes.) I am his submissive. L is his wife. To say there isn’t a difference there would be foolish of me but the line of commitment and devotion are less obvious than you might assume. I am learning to be happy within my role even with its limitations because it is allowing me to grow and love and be loved both with him but with the Liams that come along. (Maybe because I am not seeing them so much as limitations as much as opportunities.) Another added benefit to this for me is having that couple that has been there, they have looked around the corners that I am just beginning to approach in my life and they are advising me. That alone is priceless.
From the first time I looked at Richard I had a feeling that my life would never quite be the same. I remember sitting across from Ms. Anna and him walking into the restaurant. She had warned me he was always late. It makes me smile because that first meeting between us was the only time he has ever been late. I felt our connection from across the table and even if I didn’t know it then at that very second I became his.
I realize and this has been a more recent revelation that this is less about he and I and more about the three of us. I have had some pretty blunt lessons showing me that each of us can make this worse or better for all of us. And shouldn’t we all try to make it better. Early on someone gave Richard the advice that it was not Ls job to make this easy for me just as it was not my job to make this work for L. We are past that. It is our job. I could make her life miserable, she could make mine hell. And we could both rip Richard apart by refusing to settle into the newly defined roles we have created for ourselves in his and in each others life. We don’t do that. For many reasons. I think we have learned that we like each other. I see why Richard loves her, why their marriage has spanned my lifetime. She sees why Richard loves me; she acknowledges and respects that love and she allows him to revel in it. She allows him to have me without taking herself away from him. There are still bad days. I still flounder around and stumble. She does too….I imagine there are days where she will ask herself why she is doing what she is doing? Why has she allowed this third person into her life?
I won’t speak for her. She has her reasons.
We all do.