S/M

growing

I have this insatiable desire to please Richard.  It is a feeling that gnaws at me at times….forcing me to reflect on my flaws and imperfections. I have been Richard’s submissive for almost a year. The day rolls closer and I am in awe of the changes I feel within myself. I notice that I tend to look at things with a new sense of maturity. I think that Richard has taught me that. I have this small little bag of gifts that he has given me that I carry around with me all the time. I don’t always remember to use them but when I do my days are smoother, less hectic.

I am also more in tune with my body. I have more self control; I am less impetuous, more focused. I also have the ability to almost control my orgasms. Tuesday night we were together and I realized that a word from him can bring my release to the surface or stifle it until he is ready for it. It truly is amazing because part of me wonders if I have truly learned to control my own orgasm or is it my body’s response to his command. I guess there is no way of knowing…and I suppose it doesn’t matter at all.

I also realize that there are so many different levels of D/s…and that it is real and not just something that people read about. It is significant because we are real people here in blog land that risk so much just to tell our story. And that it is valued and meaningful to so many people. That is pretty special to me.

Richard taught me that a person can risk a lot to finally be true to oneself. I am honored that I was able to assist him in this. I know what I mean to him. He amazes me…his capacity to give and to love is nothing short of inspiring. I hope that years from now I will be able to follow his lead and love the way he loves. When I think of what he did to make sure he could keep me in his life and stop leading a double life I feel very proud of him. I know, it feels and may even sound odd because I have no right to be proud of him. I think he should be proud of himself. I admire his strength in sitting L down and telling her the truth. I know a lot of people have commented here that it appears as if R has his cake and gets to eat it too. Perhaps that is true but really….what is wrong with that? He is doing it openly and honestly with two women who by their own choosing are sticking by him to make it work.

I remember one of my last conversations with Mark. He said that perhaps there are just things a person has to sacrifice for other people, that there are things one just has to be willing to give up for someone else. He was speaking of his own dominance and what it meant to him, perhaps even what I meant to him. I can see his point. But my counter point….is yes, but why should you have to? Would you lose the part of your personality that makes you laugh, or makes you cry or makes you love someone else if it pacified your spouse/significant other? And what does it say about the person who is asking you to forsake that part of yourself that defines a side of you they refuse to understand? I don’t understand that way of thinking the way I once did. It seems to me that is backwards thought and confining and selfish. I hope I never find myself in a relationship that would ask me to forsake part of my core. I refuse to be loved just for what is acceptable to that person. It is settling and too much sacrifice and I won’t….no I can’t and shouldn’t have to do it.

I see L as nothing short of amazing. Most women would have allowed pride and their own pain to get in the way of what was really being communicated. He was saying this is what I need to be whole…can you allow me to have it, would you deny me? At one time I said to L that in her shoes I would have walked away, I would have been hysterical and forced ultimatums even not knowing the outcome….I would have left. And I would have lost. Now though through her example I have learned that love is the most unselfish of characteristics that make us human, or at least it should be. Through their combined influence on my life my capacity to love and to be loved has increased. How do you thank someone for that? Is that not D/s in its purest form…is that not love in its purest form? I don’t even know what to do with that other than sit quietly and absorb it and learn from it.

I have learned a valuable lesson about love. I have learned that somewhere a long the way we are conditioned to think that love comes around once and when it does you need to latch onto it. I have learned this could not be further from the truth. Love does come around…but there is no limit on when it does or even when it can. I think that loving Richard taught me that. I see that love is not a measured cylinder in your body that can be used up or emptied. It is ever filling and often overflowing. I loved Liam while I was in love with Richard. I have no doubt that Richard loves me- really and deeply loves me just as I have no doubt he loves L. Him loving L does not take away from the love I get from him. I need to be reminded of that sometimes. (Especially when the built in dynamics and just the politics of our given roles cover my eyes.) I am his submissive. L is his wife. To say there isn’t a difference there would be foolish of me but the line of commitment and devotion are less obvious than you might assume. I am learning to be happy within my role even with its limitations because it is allowing me to grow and love and be loved both with him but with the Liams that come along. (Maybe because I am not seeing them so much as limitations as much as opportunities.) Another added benefit to this for me is having that couple that has been there, they have looked around the corners that I am just beginning to approach in my life and they are advising me. That alone is priceless.

From the first time I looked at Richard I had a feeling that my life would never quite be the same. I remember sitting across from Ms. Anna and him walking into the restaurant. She had warned me he was always late. It makes me smile because that first meeting between us was the only time he has ever been late.  I felt our connection from across the table and even if I didn’t know it then at that very second I became his.

I realize and this has been a more recent revelation that this is less about he and I and more about the three of us. I have had some pretty blunt lessons showing me that each of us can make this worse or better for all of us. And shouldn’t we all try to make it better. Early on someone gave Richard the advice that it was not Ls job to make this easy for me just as it was not my job to make this work for L. We are past that. It is our job. I could make her life miserable, she could make mine hell. And we could both rip Richard apart by refusing to settle into the newly defined roles we have created for ourselves in his and in each others life. We don’t do that. For many reasons. I think we have learned that we like each other. I see why Richard loves her, why their marriage has spanned my lifetime. She sees why Richard loves me; she acknowledges and respects that love and she allows him to revel in it. She allows him to have me without taking herself away from him. There are still bad days. I still flounder around and stumble. She does too….I imagine there are days where she will ask herself why she is doing what she is doing? Why has she allowed this third person into her life?

I won’t speak for her. She has her reasons.

We all do.

9 thoughts on “growing

  1. I am very deeply happy for you.

    Your remarks about how to thank someone for teaching you about love…those touched me deeply today.

    I have been wondering that myself. How does one thank a person for that…? Its priceless gift and I seem to have so many people I owe great thanks to.

    As usual, you make me think pixie. You are right. You give a great deal to the community by speaking your truth and even dealing kindly with those who comment here. That’s made me smile and I’ve even wondered myself a few times at my own brevity when I’ve commented here. But you do allow people to be themselves in this space and that sense of safety is a beautiful thing. I appreciate all that about you. And I appreciate your bravery in sharing your story. I have certainly received a great deal of healing from it. It is a profound joy to me to watch the three of you figuring this out. You are gaining all the blessings in this that may be gleaned and doing so with such an open and willing heart. Good for you. And good for Richard and L. Love is the most important thing in this life. Without Love there is no legacy that we ever existed here and now but the bones we leave behind.

    Blessings…

  2. pixie,
    Just stopping by to “catch up” on your journey. You seem to be in a wonderful place now. i have always agreed with the saying that people come into our lives for a reason and it would seem you, Richard and L are all serving the needs of each other. How wonderful for us, your readers, that we get to be apart of this wonderful lesson you are learning together. Patience and sacrifice, but more importantly (to me!) you each seem to be learning to be true to yourself and that is truly a gift.

    Thank you, once again, for sharing your voice.

    ~s/nik

  3. You writing is beautiful pixie. It is nice to see you more at peace with yourself and your owner.

  4. It surprised me to read that it’s been less than a year that you and Richard have been together. You relationship is so deep, that it always seemed like more to me.

    Thank you for sharing your story so openly. I have greatly enjoyed the story of transformation and hope that the three of you embody.

  5. Pixie,

    What a lovely post you need to give yourself a hug and a pat on the back. you deserve it…You have found and tap into the well of deep understanding of one’s self and of those around you….not a easy feat congratulations..

    Good wishes and many blessings
    His fawn

  6. pixie,

    thanks for such wonderful insights and sharing them with everyone. i have been faced with the question “what should i do?” when a wife finds out that their husband has another or vice versa. my answer is always the same, “do what you can live with and live with what you do.” i am so glad that L has chosen that path and is following it with honor.

    i also receintly had the conversation about love and acceptance with someone. i agree with you that if you love someone but wish for them to change a part of themselves then you don’t really love “them” but the idea or illusion that you prefer to hold about “them”. you put it so beautifully.

    many happy thoughts on the journey you, R and L are on.

    fown

  7. for some reason, this particular post i found very chunky – full of insight and of special note to me. there’s a lot to think on here, and this one above the others moved me deeply. so, thanks.

  8. sweet pixiepie,
    Could it possibly be you are growing up a bit? I found this post full of maturity and growth, Your Owner should be proud of you.

  9. And I AM Dr.Dom! The very word I used to describe this post to pixie – maturity, it shows maturity.

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