L and I had dinner together last night. We met in the restaurant of the wonderful hotel where we all spent time together a couple months ago. Our meeting was casual but it was planned. L had some pretty specific questions for me. As you know we have a vacation planned and it is coming up in less than two weeks.
She was already there when I arrived and sat waiting quietly. She never seems to take up too much space. I don’t know what I mean by that except she seems sort of quiet and unassuming until you spend any amount of time with her. Then you soon see she is a woman of great depth and interest. I like her, I like people like her. She has a way of being direct to the point of making people a little uncomfortable and her logic is sometimes one sided but I think that is all part of her charm. I found myself studying her a little more than usual…I was looking at her shoulders (she had a really nice sleeveless black dress on and the cutest shoes that had five or six colors in them that really set off the scarf she wore) and her face; sort of studying this woman that my Richard has been with for so long. I imagine she has done the same to me. I realize I was trying to imagine the two of them together. Richard kissing her or touching her…stuff like that. I am not sure why except things like that ground me and oddly enough for today anyway make me feel more bonded to both of them.
Our conversation was light at first. We exchanged gifts like we often do when we meet. We ordered dinner together and kind of laughed because we had decided on the same thing. It was just incredibly nice. We were outside on the patio overlooking some pretty landscaping and a trickling country creek sipping champagne. I imagine that everyone sitting close to us believed we were mother and daughter.
The questions began.
Her concern is regarding my submission. She is trying her best to figure all this out. She asked me if she had ever been with me when I was not in a submissive state. My mind tumbled her question around and then I realized what she was saying. She has come along way but bless her heart she still has so much to learn. I realized she didn’t fully understand that my submission is a part of me. Like what makes me giggle or what I like to eat or wear….it is part of what makes up who I am. It’s as much a part of me as my blue eyes are. I told her that my submission is always there. She mentioned when she and I were shopping with Richard that I didn’t seem submissive to him then. I clarified and said ‘I AM his submissive, it isn’t anything I have to do and isn’t how I need to act. It flows along with what his expectations are of me at that moment.” I told her that it isn’t as if there is a switch that he can reach over and turn off and on as he needs. It is ALWAYS there. Even if it isn’t blinking and calling attention to itself it is always there. I told her that at any time during our shopping trip he could have made me kneel or touch me or have me touch him and my response would have been immediate and obedient. I am his submissive; it is a state of mind. I hope I helped her see the difference.
Her other worry is of course the dynamic of the three of us being on vacation together. She said that she knows there will be periods were we will all be aroused. She wonders what we will do with all of that energy. She knows Richard is going to allow me to be in my natural role with him this time unlike last time when I felt as if my submission to him was somewhat stifled. He said that when we get to where we are going I do not need to make anymore decisions. He told us both that I will spend a lot of time ties to the bed and when we are in the room it is likely I will remain naked that entire time. I think I should be more nervous than what I am.
She and I like being together, we get along and we both get immense pleasure from the smile that never leaves Richard’s face when the three of us are together. It is fun for me to hang out with them; I am looking to them both as role models as I never really had a lot of positive adults in my life to seek guidance from. They are good for me. So we talked about our trip and we talked about how it made each of us feel when the other one is the center of Richard’s attention. I was a little surprised at how much reassurance she still seems to need even from me regarding what my role is in Richard’s life. Of course as we all know there are days when I need lots of reassurance too. I feel as if I am at a disadvantage. I hold a lot in as far as how I am feeling. It is important to me that Richard see me as strong so I find myself using the tools that he has given me and really trying to hold things together without relying too much on him for support. I know that L needs him right now…..that my presence in her life requires that Richard give her extra attention….I think it is easy to pretend I don’t need more attention from him.
We talked for a long time before Richard joined us. It was a special night with them. We are truly evolving and growing and finding our places. Part of me though underneath is aware of what I am lacking…and what they have together that I am missing. I think…and I wonder how this will all play out. I need more of Richard….or more something. I am not sure what I need.