dinner with L and questions in my own mind

L and I had dinner together last night. We met in the restaurant of the wonderful hotel where we all spent time together a couple months ago. Our meeting was casual but it was planned. L had some pretty specific questions for me. As you know we have a vacation planned and it is coming up in less than two weeks. 


She was already there when I arrived and sat waiting quietly. She never seems to take up too much space. I don’t know what I mean by that except she seems sort of quiet and unassuming until you spend any amount of time with her. Then you soon see she is a woman of great depth and interest. I like her, I like people like her. She has a way of being direct to the point of making people a little uncomfortable and her logic is sometimes one sided but I think that is all part of her charm. I found myself studying her a little more than usual…I was looking at her shoulders (she had a really nice sleeveless black dress on and the cutest shoes that had five or six colors in them that really set off the scarf she wore) and her face; sort of studying this woman that my Richard has been with for so long. I imagine she has done the same to me. I realize I was trying to imagine the two of them together. Richard kissing her or touching her…stuff like that. I am not sure why except things like that ground me and oddly enough for today anyway make me feel more bonded to both of them.


Our conversation was light at first. We exchanged gifts like we often do when we meet. We ordered dinner together and kind of laughed because we had decided on the same thing. It was just incredibly nice. We were outside on the patio overlooking some pretty landscaping and a trickling country creek sipping champagne. I imagine that everyone sitting close to us believed we were mother and daughter.


The questions began.


Her concern is regarding my submission. She is trying her best to figure all this out. She asked me if she had ever been with me when I was not in a submissive state. My mind tumbled her question around and then I realized what she was saying. She has come along way but bless her heart she still has so much to learn. I realized she didn’t fully understand that my submission is a part of me. Like what makes me giggle or what I like to eat or wear….it is part of what makes up who I am. It’s as much a part of me as my blue eyes are. I told her that my submission is always there. She mentioned when she and I were shopping with Richard that I didn’t seem submissive to him then. I clarified and said ‘I AM his submissive, it isn’t anything I have to do and isn’t how I need to act. It flows along with what his expectations are of me at that moment.” I told her that it isn’t as if there is a switch that he can reach over and turn off and on as he needs. It is ALWAYS there. Even if it isn’t blinking and calling attention to itself it is always there. I told her that at any time during our shopping trip he could have made me kneel or touch me or have me touch him and my response would have been immediate and obedient. I am his submissive; it is a state of mind. I hope I helped her see the difference.


Her other worry is of course the dynamic of the three of us being on vacation together. She said that she knows there will be periods were we will all be aroused. She wonders what we will do with all of that energy. She knows Richard is going to allow me to be in my natural role with him this time unlike last time when I felt as if my submission to him was somewhat stifled. He said that when we get to where we are going I do not need to make anymore decisions. He told us both that I will spend a lot of time ties to the bed and when we are in the room it is likely I will remain naked that entire time. I think I should be more nervous than what I am.


She and I like being together, we get along and we both get immense pleasure from the smile that never leaves Richard’s face when the three of us are together. It is fun for me to hang out with them; I am looking to them both as role models as I never really had a lot of positive adults in my life to seek guidance from. They are good for me. So we talked about our trip and we talked about how it made each of us feel when the other one is the center of Richard’s attention. I was a little surprised at how much reassurance she still seems to need even from me regarding what my role is in Richard’s life. Of course as we all know there are days when I need lots of reassurance too. I feel as if I am at a disadvantage. I hold a lot in as far as how I am feeling. It is important to me that Richard see me as strong so I find myself using the tools that he has given me and really trying to hold things together without relying too much on him for support. I know that L needs him right now…..that my presence in her life requires that Richard give her extra attention….I think it is easy to pretend I don’t need more attention from him.


We talked for a long time before Richard joined us. It was a special night with them. We are truly evolving and growing and finding our places. Part of me though underneath is aware of what I am lacking…and what they have together that I am missing. I think…and I wonder how this will all play out. I need more of Richard….or more something. I am not sure what I need.

6 thoughts on “dinner with L and questions in my own mind

  1. Pixie ,

    It’s good that you and L can talk openly with each other and you setting her straight about being Richard’s submissive. I know you were suprised about her not understanding but remember this has only been months for her learning about the lifestyle and what it means.. This one has often found it is difficult enough for people within the lifestyle to understand the difference between slave and submissive and if there is even a difference let alone someone outside trying to learn and understand … Of course she needs him right now it’s only been since first of this year and we are only 5 months into this year.. That is not to down play that you too need Richard’s resurance and time…it seems to me that being paitent with L has been paying off for all concerned..if things keep going a well as they have been, one would think by next time this year it, for the most part it will be smooth sailing for all.

    In the meatime continue take care of yourself, continue to tell Richard and L your feelings and thoughts… As far as L worried about what everyone will do with all that sexual energy… I have a feeling that Richard will guide that where he wants it….Though this one does wonder if L wonders if this trip will change things for the three of you and if all are ready for it…it’s good to see you both trying to understand each other..

    good luck and many blessings

    His fawn

  2. Pixie,

    I’ve been reading for some time but it always feels like an intrusion to comment. What a blessing it is to read your thoughts and your journey. You are a gifted writer and judging from the comments you touch many people.

    Anyway, I think you are doing an amazing job considering how many intricacies are involved in the situation. We can plan and we can worry but ultimately life has it’s own agenda. I think despite what some commentors seem to think and what you yourself sometimes question here, you have a very firm grasp on what you need and what is good for you.

    I wish you very well and again thank you for sharing your life. It’s a beautiful thing.

  3. pixie, ever seen the movie “Cool Runnings”? They have a saying from that movie “Peace be the journey”. To me it just means let it ride, enjoy the experience and go with it. So on your first vacation with you’re “family” i wish you cool runnings…Peace be the journey.


  4. Pixie, you are coming to New York! I’ll have to keep my eyes open for what I imagine the three of you to look like. I wonder how many other NYC (If you are in fact coming to the city) fans you have that will be on the lookout for you.

    Stay well-

  5. *smiles* I think that L’s question of what to do with all that sexual energy is a good question…

    It will be fun to see what you all decide to do about it.

    A week isn’t it? That’s a significant time period to be together with these roles playing out with each other. If I were in your shoes, I’d need to have some alone time planned in so I could sift and sort now and again…I get grouchy and rebellious when I’ve got lots of feelings backed up…but then I’m also a natural loner and I’d need that even if I weren’t going on a trip with a couple I was in a submissive relationship with. *grins*

    I’ll bet your trip will be a life changing mix of wonderful and scary and loving and beautiful…and lots of learning. I’m looking forward to whatever you choose to share of the experience here.

  6. i have already requested that i be allowed some time to myself. i think i will become overstimulated if i don’t. plus R should spend some time alone with L….give the two of them the chance at least to do something about their sedxual energy.

    *hugs* to all…

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