I wonder if my owner knows how much I sometimes need to rely on the strength of my own submission to make this right in my mind. I am thankful he has given me the tools to help me get through when I feel the strain of being separated from him. Yesterday (Friday) we were able to spend some time together. Because I wasn’t feeling well…and all the other things going on that make us both super busy we were unable to spend our night together this week. Though we were able to see each other twice…it was just during the day. It makes it different somehow. Not a lot of time to shake of the intensity of what he does before real life creeps in.
We have avoided seeing each other on Friday in the past because my contact with him is still so limited over the weekend. We run the risk of me needing him on a Saturday or Sunday and him not being available to me. Sometimes it is hard to separate. This separation anxiety has been a continued source of stress for me and I am not sure how I can make it better. It causes me to act out a little with him- the resentment I think and that leaves me wondering why I feel as if I can feel resentful sometimes. No one is forcing me to be here and share this experience with him.
Our time together is often so intense and then he is just gone…poof! And I am really left to deal with all of those emotions on my own. I wonder how can go from being a sadist with me to going home; making dinner and being totally vanilla. Yes, it is wonderful and I am so lucky to have Richard (and L) in my life but the cost is pretty high. Sometimes I can push that to the side…sometimes it is not so easy to do that. It’s how I feel later, much later when I reflect on the whole thing. That is when I weight the cost to the benefits….that is when I realize this situation is certainly not ideal for me. The ultimate goal for me would be having what I have with Richard but in a relationship where that person is free to love me all he wants…where he comes home to me every night….and I get to share all of what I know R and L share when I am put away. I feel as if beside me on the shelf is a hourglass only it is covered up and no one (even us) can see how much sand remains or how quickly it trickles through.
I feel as if the stronger I become in my relationship with Richard the more I realize I need and deserve more. Though the irony of it is the stronger my relationship and bond is with him the harder it is to pull away. And no- I am not thinking of pulling away right now. But I do know now it will most likely be me that one day draws the curtain on this relationship and that frightens me. For so many reasons that frightens me.
Remember one of the restrictions placed on our relationship involves the weekends remaining off limits. Though often L and Richard have asked to see me over the weekend and I have either been out of town or already busy with family commitments to see them. So I find that I enter into every weekend hoping they will want to see me and wondering if I should in fact make plans at all. Then I remember my ability to make plans for myself is limited…I can’t date right now or even email someone without the permission of my owner. You will remember he denied my last request to spend time with Liam. And for the record I am not complaining I just sort of feel under utilized, ok a lot under utilized. It is as if my submission to him affects me 24/7…the influence of him and the mind set of being owned IS a 24/7 feeling yet he doesn’t need 24/7. And he can’t give me anything close to that. I am left feeling neglected sometimes because my submission to him is so deep and so real….but what do I do with it?
I miss him and having that feeling of abandonment is hard for me. I feel a little lost sometimes, that’s all. I am shocked at how I feel when he does call me over the weekend. When he calls and tells me he is thinking of me or when he calls just to tell me he loves me…I am always shocked that I am on his mind. He has this ability to separate and I figure once I am out of sight I am out of mind. But I KNOW that isn’t true…I hear it in his voice and I feel it when he touches me. I hate that I am weak sometimes and lose track of my faith and trust in him.
I miss both of them when I feel as if I am forgotten. And I know I am not really forgotten but it hurts my feelings that L wants to forget me…oh I don’t know maybe she is past that. I am confused. So all of that is good….the weekends still trip me up.
I wonder how Richard would feel if L was still out of the country and my weekends were off limits to him. And he faced days without contact with me…though that doesn’t make a while lot of sense because he can in fact demand contact from me.
I usually know their plans going into the weekend. If I didn’t know what they were doing I would feel left out….yet knowing their plans kinda sorta makes me feel left out too. And it isn’t as if I feel I need to be or even want to be included in everything they do, I recognize the need for them to carve out time dedicated to just the two of them. But then on the other hand….every other minute during the week outside my one evening (usually about four hours) and my one lunch ‘hour’ with him he is all hers….so I suppose it is just another reminder of who I am to him. Good and bad.
Sometimes I feel as if I am missing out on some grand adventure that everyone else is having. Yet I know…that almost all of me is not ready to get involved with anyone seriously. I told Richard today that I think I might want to consider dating again though. I almost called Liam tonight…I know he and I had something special and the longer I go without seeing him the easier it is for me to forget why I stopped seeing him. The idea of being romanced or being asked out and dressing up for a date…..sharing a bottle of wine and then maybe a goodnight kiss at the end of the night is appealing. Am I wrong to need that…to think of that….to want that? I don’t think I am. The other alternative is this….and I face daily the reality that even when I fool myself that it is enough for me I know it is not. Sadly, my very nature draws me towards needing to fully commit and love and be need one person who can reflect all of that back onto me.
Not that I need a man in my life…but maybe I am the type of girl who really does. I don’t like not having something to do on the weekend or someone special to spend my time with. I am somewhat needy, I require lots of attention and truthfully the built in limitations of my relationship with Richard makes me crave more especially when I see he and L together and it is a stark reminder of what I do not have. I don’t like the part of my submission that places me high on the toy shelf every evening and weekend to secure L’s place in his heart and life. For as much as I understand that it still bothers me. I still get lonely…I still miss him and allow myself to wonder if he needs me or is thinking of me at all.
Then I think of our time together and I know he does….but then I question if I mean so much to him why does he allow so much time and space to settle between our times together. Does he not know how I struggle at times?
Would the world truly end if he picked up the phone on a Saturday afternoon to talk to me? What makes it worse is I know he wants to…what makes it worse is he cautioned us both (me and L) to focus on what we were getting from him…not on what the other one was getting. He said to look and make sure our needs were being met and if we feel sad make sure it isn’t jealously regarding what the other one is getting…when what the other one in getting takes nothing away from what you get for yourself. I think I am the only one doing that….I am the only one with no control or no say regarding when or where or how often I see him. And it is a known fact that my needs aren’t being met….even for all the good this brings into my life. It is limited and I am frustrated.
Then I feel so ungrateful. I think of the time I DO have with him and the way he makes me feel when we are together. And the time I spend with L too and how she has made room in her life for her husbands submissive and I feel even more ungrateful. The two of them alone and combined give me something I have never had in so many ways. It is like nothing else….even with all the limitations. And I realize it will always be this way….that I have made a choice. But it makes me sad sometimes. What I have with him is worth the pain of all I do not have…of what I will never have. Isn’t it? Would it feel less empty if I had someone else in my life to care for me?
I want to find the tools to take my submission….and hold on to the feelings of being needed and owned and cherished by him even when I am put away. I do not know if I am strong enough to do that.
I keep going back to the urge I have to have someone else in my life. I want to eventually fall in love with someone….and have what L has with Richard with someone of my own. I spent enough time with Jackson to know that type of relationship has its benefits. Companionship…someone to laugh with and someone to make you feel special…for more than five hours a week could only be good for me. Then I run the risk of finding Mr. Right or even Mr. Almost Right who doesn’t want me with Richard…or who can’t understand. I lost Liam because of that. In a lot of ways I lost J because of that too.
So this snapshot isn’t about me being unhappy with what I have. I am. I am thrilled and amazed at what this has turned into. It just has built in limitations. Limitations that are sometimes easier to handle than other times.
It is circular like so much lately. I feel as though I am wandering around the perimeter of my life as if it is a fast spinning carnival ride. Only there is no one there to tell me when to step off.