I have neglected my blog for the past week. Yet I have returned and with a vengeance…lol. I need to focus all of the fluttering words in my mind and get them down in print before they disappear. I am feeling too much, thinking too much and I need to pull it away slam it down on my keyboard and get something posted. I beg for your patience. There is so much to write about. So much to explore here, admit to and divulge. Is this truly a safe place for me to whisper my secrets…to admit my flaws and disappointments?
I admit to being a prideful person. I have less now.
I have returned from my vacation with Richard and L. My eyes are wider and my heart feels a little smaller. I feel hardened yet more malleable….toughened yet raw all over.
I feel better now than I did. I feel worse in some ways then what I did. Yes, I am confusing myself.
Geez, where do I start? Someone used to tell me pretty often that I kept my head in the clouds, that I was a dreamer…that I was too sensitive…too ‘a lot of things’ and ‘not enough, never enough’ of a lot of things too. Of course there was a lot said to me then that I am working hard to let go of. Funny how the red days of your childhood pop up and wrap themselves around the bluer days of being all grown up; it is like bruising that can’t heal. It yellows and fades away sometimes a little at a time but the slightest bump can bring you to your knees and erupt the bleeding all over again.
All of this comes in to play. I realized this week that the world really is what we make it. That people can choose to be happy or miserable. I always thought it was poignant several years ago when our nation was hanging on Dr.Phil’s every word…when he would ask, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” It seems like an easy answer. I understand it isn’t so easy for everyone; especially when the payoff for being miserable gives you more than the payoff for being happy. It saddens me really. I grew up in an environment where people emotionally manipulated me. I was sensitive and had a streak in me of wanting to please people…to feel loved and accepted. From very early on I was made to feel guilty about love and feeling and giving affection. I was afraid of my mother. I want to try to explain this so it makes sense. I always looked to my dad for protection from her yet in many ways when he was around it was much worse. He was affectionate with me and paid me a lot of attention. I remember loving that time with him but knowing that later she would be angry with him for paying attention to me, for holding me or playing with me. She would be mean to him and say horrible things and I wouldn’t look at her because her eyes would be clouded with resentment and meanness and I would feel guilty. I would feel guilty that she was mean to him because of me. Surely I was doing something wrong, surely I was a bad girl for being such a problem for not being worthy of having my mother love me and allow me to love others. I came to associate guilt with love and love with guilt and wrapped it all up and swallowed it, internalizing my pain so when the anger came from my mother in some ways I felt as if I deserved it. A child never deserves cruelty or anger or pain. I internalized all of that too…surely I was doing something wrong.
Some of those almost forgotten feeling surfaced for me this weekend as I interacted with L and Richard. I realized that L has a side of her personality that is biting and sharp and cruel. It is often said you hurt the ones you love the most and I have no doubt she loves her husband. Yet when she speaks to him she is sarcastic and biting and it hurts me so badly to see such disrespect. Not all of the time…she can be loving and kind. When she is happy she can make the entire room happy yet when she is not happy or not the center of attention she can morph quite suddenly into someone pretty scary and confusing to be around. She can pound and pound a point in and not let go into you literally have to shut down or give in…or get angry and flip out to get her to stop. I feel great sympathy for Richard. Then she can be the victim because you are angry at her….you lost your temper. I want to resist the need I have to follow everything negative I say about L with something positive. I just don’t want anyone to have bad feelings about his wife. She is a lovely woman who I feel is worldly and sophisticated yet emotionally she is incredibly immature and childlike. There were times this weekend where I cried for him as I stood in awe of his patience as he dealt with her. I never heard her compliment him or say anything nice….it was all negative. He is such a bright light on this planet. He just glows and I can’t help but to love him….to look at him and spout meanness and disapproval is unfathomable.
So I learned a lot this weekend as I usually do when I am with Richard. I had a window seat clear day view of what his life is often like with L. The good and the bad.
It would be easy to start with the good and let it trickle down into the bad of the weekend only that is not how it played out. We described our weekend at one point as a Merry Go Round. Just spinning and spinning and we weren’t always in control of it. There was a lot of drama, a lot of laughs and as many tears. I felt for the first time my Owner counting on me to give strength to a situation and realizing I could only do my best. I allowed my heart to break this weekend, Richard slid more than once off of his pedestal and my own tender heart still reels from the realization and the consequences that he is in fact fallible. I let him down too and L….well, without any disrespect to her she had a bipolar weekend. Our Merry Go Round became a sandy sort of resort like prison for the long weekend and we trudged along trying to make the best of it.
I think this is a start. I needed to put something here….get some of this off my chest….make it less dark in my mind. Right now…tonight sitting here I need quiet around me. I need quiet in my heart and quiet in mind. I faced so much this weekend, faced so much that I had pretended wasn’t there. Somewhere over the past few months I convinced myself I was ok with my place in Richard and Ls life…in some ways I still am. This weekend showed me I am not close to having this all lined up in my head.
Things are changing here. Quickly. I feel as if I am being pressed against the wall…noise and hardness tumbling into me to the point of making me want to lay flat and let it all flood over me. I have never felt this way. I have lost feelings. I have lost some of the sparkles in my submission….it is less fun to me. Less real and meaningful and that scares me. It makes me want to reach out and cling to Richard and beg him to hold me above the water but I know he can’t, that he won’t. He showed me that. I feel right now as if I am testing bits and pieces of him to see if he will give me a little more…let me keep a little more of what it is he has made me need and crave. I don’t think he will pass this test….if only because I am not a good test giver.
I love him. Too much. Too much to let this keep rolling along this way. I am saddened and confused….and stumbling along here in the darkness alone. I envy L on nights like this…she has R to talk to and find comfort in tonight and he has her. I have my thoughts and choices and what is left of my pride. I also have some bitter memories to tuck away. I wish right now for a safe clean place to whisper them into the darkness…into the only pair of ears to ever hear them. And isn’t that the problem- I don’t have that.
I do have Richard’s text message from this morning…
“Oh..you do not run away. You will answer me to the last cry. Cling to me as though you were frightened…..”
And I want to write back….I am clinging to you Richard but I am slipping and you can’t catch me this time. You said as much. And where will that leave me? Where will I fall?