S/M

my quiet

I have neglected my blog for the past week. Yet I have returned and with a vengeance…lol. I need to focus all of the fluttering words in my mind and get them down in print before they disappear. I am feeling too much, thinking too much and I need to pull it away slam it down on my keyboard and get something posted. I beg for your patience. There is so much to write about. So much to explore here, admit to and divulge. Is this truly a safe place for me to whisper my secrets…to admit my flaws and disappointments?

 

I admit to being a prideful person. I have less now.

 

I have returned from my vacation with Richard and L. My eyes are wider and my heart feels a little smaller. I feel hardened yet more malleable….toughened yet raw all over.

I feel better now than I did. I feel worse in some ways then what I did. Yes, I am confusing myself.

Geez, where do I start? Someone used to tell me pretty often that I kept my head in the clouds, that I was a dreamer…that I was too sensitive…too ‘a lot of things’ and ‘not enough, never enough’ of a lot of things too. Of course there was a lot said to me then that I am working hard to let go of. Funny how the red days of your childhood pop up and wrap themselves around the bluer days of being all grown up; it is like bruising that can’t heal. It yellows and fades away sometimes a little at a time but the slightest bump can bring you to your knees and erupt the bleeding all over again.

 

All of this comes in to play. I realized this week that the world really is what we make it. That people can choose to be happy or miserable. I always thought it was poignant several years ago when our nation was hanging on Dr.Phil’s every word…when he would ask, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” It seems like an easy answer. I understand it isn’t so easy for everyone; especially when the payoff for being miserable gives you more than the payoff for being happy. It saddens me really. I grew up in an environment where people emotionally manipulated me. I was sensitive and had a streak in me of wanting to please people…to feel loved and accepted. From very early on I was made to feel guilty about love and feeling and giving affection. I was afraid of my mother. I want to try to explain this so it makes sense. I always looked to my dad for protection from her yet in many ways when he was around it was much worse. He was affectionate with me and paid me a lot of attention. I remember loving that time with him but knowing that later she would be angry with him for paying attention to me, for holding me or playing with me. She would be mean to him and say horrible things and I wouldn’t look at her because her eyes would be clouded with resentment and meanness and I would feel guilty. I would feel guilty that she was mean to him because of me. Surely I was doing something wrong, surely I was a bad girl for being such a problem for not being worthy of having my mother love me and allow me to love others.  I came to associate guilt with love and love with guilt and wrapped it all up and swallowed it, internalizing my pain so when the anger came from my mother in some ways I felt as if I deserved it. A child never deserves cruelty or anger or pain. I internalized all of that too…surely I was doing something wrong.

 

Some of those almost forgotten feeling surfaced for me this weekend as I interacted with L and Richard. I realized that L has a side of her personality that is biting and sharp and cruel. It is often said you hurt the ones you love the most and I have no doubt she loves her husband. Yet when she speaks to him she is sarcastic and biting and it hurts me so badly to see such disrespect. Not all of the time…she can be loving and kind. When she is happy she can make the entire room happy yet when she is not happy or not the center of attention she can morph quite suddenly into someone pretty scary and confusing to be around. She can pound and pound a point in and not let go into you literally have to shut down or give in…or get angry and flip out to get her to stop. I feel great sympathy for Richard. Then she can be the victim because you are angry at her….you lost your temper. I want to resist the need I have to follow everything negative I say about L with something positive. I just don’t want anyone to have bad feelings about his wife. She is a lovely woman who I feel is worldly and sophisticated yet emotionally she is incredibly immature and childlike. There were times this weekend where I cried for him as I stood in awe of his patience as he dealt with her. I never heard her compliment him or say anything nice….it was all negative. He is such a bright light on this planet. He just glows and I can’t help but to love him….to look at him and spout meanness and disapproval is unfathomable.

 

So I learned a lot this weekend as I usually do when I am with Richard. I had a window seat clear day view of what his life is often like with L. The good and the bad.

 

It would be easy to start with the good and let it trickle down into the bad of the weekend only that is not how it played out. We described our weekend at one point as a Merry Go Round. Just spinning and spinning and we weren’t always in control of it. There was a lot of drama, a lot of laughs and as many tears. I felt for the first time my Owner counting on me to give strength to a situation and realizing I could only do my best. I allowed my heart to break this weekend, Richard slid more than once off of his pedestal and my own tender heart still reels from the realization and the consequences that he is in fact fallible. I let him down too and L….well, without any disrespect to her she had a bipolar weekend. Our Merry Go Round became a sandy sort of resort like prison for the long weekend and we trudged along trying to make the best of it.

 

I think this is a start. I needed to put something here….get some of this off my chest….make it less dark in my mind. Right now…tonight sitting here I need quiet around me. I need quiet in my heart and quiet in mind. I faced so much this weekend, faced so much that I had pretended wasn’t there. Somewhere over the past few months I convinced myself I was ok with my place in Richard and Ls life…in some ways I still am. This weekend showed me I am not close to having this all lined up in my head.

 

Things are changing here. Quickly. I feel as if I am being pressed against the wall…noise and hardness tumbling into me to the point of making me want to lay flat and let it all flood over me. I have never felt this way. I have lost feelings. I have lost some of the sparkles in my submission….it is less fun to me. Less real and meaningful and that scares me. It makes me want to reach out and cling to Richard and beg him to hold me above the water but I know he can’t, that he won’t. He showed me that. I feel right now as if I am testing bits and pieces of him to see if he will give me a little more…let me keep a little more of what it is he has made me need and crave. I don’t think he will pass this test….if only because I am not a good test giver.

 

I love him. Too much. Too much to let this keep rolling along this way. I am saddened and confused….and stumbling along here in the darkness alone. I envy L on nights like this…she has R to talk to and find comfort in tonight and he has her. I have my thoughts and choices and what is left of my pride. I also have some bitter memories to tuck away. I wish right now for a safe clean place to whisper them into the darkness…into the only pair of ears to ever hear them. And isn’t that the problem- I don’t have that.

I do have Richard’s text message from this morning…

“Oh..you do not run away. You will answer me to the last cry. Cling to me as though you were frightened…..”

And I want to write back….I am clinging to you Richard but I am slipping and you can’t catch me this time. You said as much. And where will that leave me? Where will I fall?

21 thoughts on “my quiet

  1. oh pixie. Sometimes I wonder if we are the stronger of the two in the relationship. We submissives/slaves.

    I am holding you up tonight. (((Hugggs)))

  2. I wish I had a magic wand to wave for you…

    I’m sorry it didn’t go better for the three of you pixie. And that you feel so alone with the aftermath.

    Sending you some warm thoughts….

  3. pixie,
    you are brave and strong. cling to your owner like he said. reach out to him tonight and all will be clearer for you.

  4. “I have lost some of the sparkles in my submission”……

    I found that line so very sad and so telling. I hope the light of day brings some clarity to this tumultuous weekend.

  5. I wonder if this is more than a snapshot for you this time pixie? I agree with the reader above. That is my question. There is usually an ‘aftermath’. That is when your readers often see you fall down. Where is Richard when the storms blow through? COuld he not make this part easier for you? Though I imagine there are other storms he is dealing with.

    Keep your chin up pixiepie. This may just as well be a new beginning for you and not the end of something.

  6. So many dynamics of this whole situation. Each individual bringing different thoughts, feelings, wants & desires. The mind speaks, but the heart does not always follow. Sometimes what we want and what we need become two entirely different things.

    Remember what you write here, you & R tell us is only a snapshot, maybe what you experienced of L is only a snapshot. Reality of the whole situation was there before her, truths she knew in her mind but only now is made completely visible in her heart. Fantasy sometimes can elude our reality.

    Instead of describing L as having a bipolar weekend, look at her age, so many things can happen in a woman’s body, it affects every aspect of a woman’s health. I am not excusing her behavior, I was not there. Again, she is having to share her husband with a younger woman. The trip may have brought home some realities that she thought she was prepared for, but the hurt may have been too much to bear.

    How the two of them interact as a married couple has taken place for years, as you were growing up. The foundation of their relationship was not something you shared in. Afterall, he chooses to still be married to her.

  7. dear little pixie…
    Perhaps part of what you have discovered is some of the reasons the Richard does cherish you so much. I expect that your behavior with him is not like L’s. And that you give him a softness and tenderness….and dare I say (gleaned from your own words) respect that she does not. As a Domme.. and in the past, as a sub.. I know that My partner gave Me much of what I truly needed but did not have. But for Me, none so much ever did as My dear Paladin does for Me now. The contrast IS sometimes disconcerting between what we have, and what we wish we had full time. And even though Richard is indeed married to her, that does not mean that perhaps, if he had a choice, things might be different. In those times of the greatest peace, we can see what we have, and what we do not have. But too many of us cannot change the lives we have chosen for a myriad of reasons. We must sacrifice some part of ourselves, and our happiness for the sake of family and promises once made and still kept to.

    You may indeed be the small part of sanity that allows Richards light to shine in spite of some difficult circumstances. Is that enough for you? Hard to tell sometimes. When I lost My past Master because He chose to move on, I was devastated.. Now, only a few years later, I have My beloved Paladin, and know that he is righter for Me then any other I have ever known. When all is peaceful and only joy permeates one’s life from the interaction of another.. to Me..that is the sign that it is right.. and that we are ‘home’ with our soul mate.

    My past Master desires interaction with Me again now… and as much as I once loved him and missed him… I have no desire to go back to him in any way, shape or form. The very thought makes Me shudder with distaste. The contrast of lack of communication and distrust with him compared to the solidity of Paladin show Me that I could never, ever go back. So… all things in life change and evolve.

    When things get overwhelming.. try to remember to breathe, center and ground.

    Wishing you all the best in all ways,
    Mystress

  8. pixie~
    is this a snapshot? where are you with Richard? with L? have you asked him to release you?

    all questions possibly in your own mind too.
    hugs
    s

  9. OK, so we have to say SOMETHING here pixie and not just in Rs defense. When you have nights like this why can’t you call him and like just hang out? Surely he wouldnt expect you to take all this yourself. I mean, he was there like all weekend seeing it all happen and like you said he is there with L.

    Why didn’t you reach out to him and just tell him you were going off the deep end. Is that like a rule or something?

    Hope all is well and we can still one day see a pic of R. We’re thinking Harrison Ford/Sean Connery blend…only hot. 🙂

  10. Pixie,I hope you manage to work through some of these things soon.It sounds like a very difficult weekend. Take care.
    Remember that you desrve the best too! You are in fact Master of your own future.

  11. pixie…

    i may be pointing out an unpopular idea but you mentioned in your post

    “There were times this weekend were I cried for my Owner as I stood in awe of his patience as he dealt with her. I never heard her compliment him or say anything nice….it was all negative. He is such a bright light on this planet. He just glows and I can’t help but to love him….to look at him and spout meanness and disapproval is unfathomable.”

    If i may be so bold as to point out something…R made a promise to L a long time ago. If she feels that he isn’t keeping that promise the patience you might be in awe of is her’s for not simply leaving him outright. I know few women who would call and talk to their husband’s mistress instead of a divorce lawyer.

    It’s a hard thing to live by but the advice i’ve always given people is “Make the choice you can live with…and live with your choice.” i am glad that you are giving me an opportunity to follow your choices.

    fown

  12. yes fown…thanks for your comment. and yes i am still in awe of her acceptance of me.

    yet….she has bought into this and HAS accepted it. To try and sabotage it is wrong at this point….and to punish R for it now is counterproductive.

  13. Pixie

    Have you ever thought that L has accepted you and R in her mind but not in her heart? I must agree with what your commentor “me said..truths she knew in her mind but only now is made completely visible in her heart. Fantasy sometimes can elude our reality.”

    Perhaps this weekend was too soon..again I must comment L found out in Jan..its just the end of May.. that’s really not alot of time to adjust to this .. And she may not be trying to sabotage the three of you or punish R..but be striking out due to the pain .. I’m not saying in time L won’t adjust to it all ,she has come this far in such a short time. And remember you seeing L from your side of things no matter how hard you try to be fair to L..What I have learned in being poly there is no right or wrong side..but how the 3 different people view it and somewhere in between is the truth…. Remember your a much younger woman perhaps you make her long for her lost youth.. Please know I’m not making excuses for her behavior like “me said I was not there.”

    Continue best wishes and hopes this works out for you all..

    His fawn

  14. Pixie,

    Hope you’re finding your way back to solid ground after your weekend with Richard and L.

    My thoughts are with you all,
    Kitten

  15. Where is all this headed pixiepie? I hope your Richard is holding you close through this difficult time. Just because you CAN be strong doesn’t mean you always HAVE to be or even always SHOULD be.

  16. Make the choice you can live with…and live with your choice

    Nice point fown…but is she really living with the choice or making in unbearable for everyone else?

  17. pixie…i wonder what choice L was really given? i have seen, in all of the situations where a man confesses an afair, that the wife often feels like she only has bad choices…and she makes the intellecutal one without really coming to terms with the emotional effect. i do hope that L can come to terms with her emotional turmoil but in reality…while it is “on her” so to speak…it is Richard that introduced this into both your lives..the brunt of the responsibility falls on his shoulders and thus, the brunt of the punishment…from what you have said of your childhood…do you see any connection?

    fown

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