“I want you undressed. Now. And get on the bed.”

We were all sitting and relaxing together. The champagne was gone. The television was off. Richard was leaning against the back of the bed and I was against his leg, L was beside him. He nudged me with his foot.

“Now pixie.”

I lingered but for another second and my eyes cut over to L to see what she was thinking. Her eyes were half closed. Richards hand was stroking the back of her leg. Up and down. I could hear his hand against her skin.

I stood up and pulled my cami over my head and slipped my panties down around my ankles. He tapped the bed beside him and scooted over so I could get between him and L. He reached over and lifted the heavy bag of clothes pins up and placed it beside him. He told L that she should hold me, that he was going to put clothes pins on me and he told me to lean against her. I lay down and my head was partially across her lap. I am used to being naked in front of her so wasn’t surprised that this time I didn’t feel shy of my nudity.

The room was dim and I closed my eyes when I heard Richard dump out the clothes pins beside me. He picked one up and stroked me with it shoving a pile of them towards L.

“Help me” he said.

“I can’t hurt her, I can’t hurt her. I don’t know how you can.” L said to him. Her hands were on my shoulders and she was stroking up and down my arms. She told me I was “soft, sweet”, she said.

Richard said something and again I just heard L say “I can’t hurt her.”

“Just hand them to me then.” There was no irritation in his voice just determination.

He looked at me and told me to open my eyes.

“Are you ready?” I nodded slightly and turned my head into L’s leg. He started by placing a single line of pins across my breast. He did them tight and close together and they hurt right away. He ran his hand across them causing me to tense and moan and bury my head again a little deeper into L. She made a soothing noise under her breath. He added more making a semi circle across my breast and adding one to my nipple. I buckled a little and L stroked my hair before touching the clothes pins. “That is really pretty. Should you do that all at the same time” she said. So funny because if she had any idea all of what he did to me….

I could feel her warmth beneath me and again I closed my eyes. I heard a strange sound and realized my Owner was kissing his wife above my head. I snuggled a little deeper into the moment and into both of them. I heard her kiss him back. If it could only stay like this I thought. My place clearly defined in my mind…I felt owned and dominated and none of the ambiguity that often surrounded our time together was there. L was happy to play a role in what we were doing; I was content to be here listening to the safe sound of kissing above my head.

Later thinking about it it was easy to figure out. I was in my role. I wasn’t made to feel like an interloper and my submission to my Owner felt valued by them both.

What often happens is Richard feels as if when the three of us are together he needs to do everything and anything to keep L in the right head space. He needs to show her tremendous affection and attention…on the flip side he needs to withdraw from me and not let her see the obvious feelings we share. So it is always a game. It is not good for me and it is why right now we are on the brink of letting it go. It was always when the bad outweighed the good and I am not sure where we are today. It is hard for him to show me covert affection.

It is always him trying to not let her see and feel how he feels about me. Although she knows……there is no reason to rub her face in it. Only where does that leave me? L really wants to box what I have up with Richard and call it D/s. The most painful part for her is the affection that we feel for each other. I understand that. It is really something that she can feel even if we do not demonstrate it.

Though…what makes it hard is when I am with Richard I am submissive to him. I need his attention and I can only take so much of feeling his withdraw. Of realizing that he touches me and pulls away the second she walks into the room. It leaves me with a feeling of shame that I never associated with my submission before. It is hard for me to feel good about a submission that was once so celebrated in his eyes.

The clothes pins continued until they were up and down my body. L was handing them to him as quickly as he put them on me. I was in pain and my body was fighting my mind…I needed to go away. I needed to let myself go but realized that part of me didn’t trust him to take care of me if I let myself go. Part of me went cold when I realized my head was there….I didn’t trust him completely to care for me and that was impossibly hard for me to absorb. It was hard and I struggled needing to do all that he had taught me. To trust him, to let go; only I could not. It was too hard to follow my body and trust him to catch me as I feel into the dark safe place that he had built for me. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t trust him. What a horrible, awful place to be.

I felt his fingers on me. Inside me and touching me and stroking me I slipped away. It got faster and I felt my body convulse and heat up and then I heard him tell L to start taking off the clothespins. I felt small ripping bites across my body as four fingers removed the pinching wood. Again I felt myself cum against Richard’s hand. Once they were all gone I remember turning into L and my bottom facing R. He spanked me. It was hard and the sound was throughout the room. He asked L if she could do it, if she wanted to spank me and she said no. She couldn’t hurt me. But she held me and stroked me and I felt her hand across my bottom. “It is so hot” she whispered touching me more and more. Her hands were caressing me and she told me how soft my skin was. She liked touching me she said against my ear. I wrapped my arms around her and whimpered because the spanking had started again. Her arms tightened around me and she said aloud, ”You really are a sweetheart. I know why he loves you so.”

I was breathless and foggy and felt incredibly tired. The emotions had been high all day, The sun had been hot and bright and I had more wine than I am used to. I felt floaty. I felt like I needed wrapped up in my Owners arms. I felt soft inside and I just needed him to hold me. I needed to reestablish the trust that I lose when he doesn’t act like my Dominant; when he withholds touch and words as he often does when we are with L. I needed to drift and be pulled back into reality, back into safety with him. I knew I had to be patient.

I was beside her watching. He worked with her for several minutes….it seemed like a long time and she was getting more and more frustrated. I realized she couldn’t cum because I was there. I asked her if it would help if I left them alone.

I’m not sure why I said it because the last thing I wanted or needed was to be alone. My mind settled almost instantly after I said it because surely Richard knew me well enough to know what I need after pain. He’s never ever left me alone for more than a few seconds after hurting me. So when he asked me to leave them alone for a few minutes I was shocked….he asked if I would go out on the balcony that was connected to our oceanfront suite. “You are sending me outside?” I asked him unable to keep the shock or the hurt out of my voice. He said yes just for a few minutes. I realized as he said that I couldn’t get far enough away. I felt completely rejected and abandoned. Wrapping the blanket around me I went out on the balcony and closed the door behind me. The roar of the ocean welcomed me and I cradled myself in the chair.

I was there for what felt like the longest time. I actually fell asleep in the chair trying my best to not let my tears fall but failing miserably. He told me later it wasn’t even 10 minutes. he said it takes her forever to orgasm sometimes but he had to do it.

I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I don’t like losing faith or trust in Richard. It is one reason why my instinct tells me to end it now so it closes on a good note before it has all shattered and turned into something bad.

Finally he shook me awake gently and I gave him an angry look. Of course I was angry! Anger is an odd feeling for me with Richard. It goes against everything else I feel for him. He let me down and in my mind it was in a big way. He made me feel lost and pushed away, not needed and in the way. I don’t do well with feelings like that. Yet when he pulled me close to him and his body warmed my own I felt a wave of love and safety. I needed to feel his arms around me. I needed his strength and his comfort to know everything was good in my mind. I was still a little shaky from the pain and slightly drifty from keeping myself from going to my sub space. He pulled me into the room and I turned to go to my own bed. He pulled me back and I turned hard away from him. “No.” I said, “I’m going to bed, I’m cold.”

“Yes, that is why you are going to lay beside me.”

“No…I don’t want to do that, I don’t need you. I DON’T NEED YOU” I thought I don’t need you NOW but that isn’t what I said. He pulled the blanket off of me and grabbed my arm. He literally dragged me towards their bed and tossed me onto it.

L sat up and said “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s time for us all to go to sleep.” She was curious as she often is when Richard shows the slightest displeasure in my actions. I think she is still trying to understand that entire dynamic and just how much control Richard has over me. He climbed over me and covered us all three up. I sat up and he yanked me back down. “Sleep.” he said.

He rolled over and threw an arm over L and I had a cold view of his back. If I cursed my word would have been…WTF! He threw me into their bed and then turned his back on me? What had I done? First I am banished from the room to spend an hour on a cold windy balcony and then he roughly pulls me into the room throws me on the bed and snuggles with L? Again- WTF! My submissive mind left me, I was hurt and angry and didn’t want to be close to him, I didn’t want to be near him or L. I wanted to be alone. When I needed him, after he hurt me he sent me away. And now when I just needed five minutes of him showing me it was ok…that my submission was good and needed and valued he rolled over.

“Wrap your arms around me.” he said. I scooted as far away as I possibly could on the edge of the King size bed. I ignored him. “Wrap your arms around me.” He had turned and reached for me dragging me over against him. I promptly pulled myself away and scooted back over. I had tears on my face. There is a huge difference between being held and holding. At that second I didn’t have it in me to hold him…I needed him. I needed his comfort. There was no comfort me against his back/. No comfort in holding him as he held L. The idea made me feel sick and I again said, “No.”

He abruptly got up and threw the covers off of us all. He stood up and pushed me over against L. “Hold her.” he said angrily.

She sat up but wrapped her arms around me almost protectively. “What is wrong, what is going on?”

“Just hold her, she’s cold. She needs held. She seems to know what she needs more than I know what she needs.”

He gave me an angry look as he dressed and left the room.

It all seemed like a good idea at the time.

14 thoughts on “erosion

  1. Oh dear…

    I’m so sorry pixie.

    It sounds like that dynamic issue that I spoke of when you two first started talking about spending intimate time together before…

    Richard can’t be all to both of you all the time and he needs you both to feel super safe with the situation before you venture into this setting. It seems like you and L aren’t there yet. It seems you made some really encouraging progress before the trip. It seemed to me from your posts that you’d covered alot of ground.

    Not enough yet it seems eh?

    Is this really a deal breaker moment or is it a huge pot hole in the road? It seems that’s your question.

    I’m really sorry this is so painful. Sending you warm thoughts. Hang in there pixie. I hope you are feeling well otherwise. ((hugs))

  2. Oh Pixie how awful for you!!

    But I think your placing the blame on L is wrong when it should be place on R’s shoulders.. L doesn’t truly understand your submissive nature and all it entails.. Richard withholding affection to you because L is in the room is unfair to “Both you and L” as long as Richard edits his actions L will never assimulate and truly accept your and Richard’s relationship as Dom/sub.. How can L if she is never really given the whole picture…For you to be sent of of the room like that I can’t even begin to imagine the pain it caused you..But I don’t see how you can blame L for Richards actions.. No wonder you didn’t want to hold Richard… Somehow I don’t feel this is the whole story… No wonder past hurts have come forefront in your mind..

    *gives you a great big hug*

    His fawn

  3. Pixie,

    I just reread you post something kept jumping out at me ..L’s not being able to climax with you there in the room..perhaps it was not so much you being there but, L embarrassement because you could climax and she was having trouble.. Please bare with me while I explain though it may sound off the wall.. If I’m guessing correctly L is somewhere over 40 if not closer to 50…There was a time not too long ago that I was visiting my mother when I arrived she seemed upset and looked like she had been crying..It took me forever to get her to tell me what was wrong..She told me she was going through Peri Menapause and I like an idot told her “thats not so bad Mom.”Then she broke down crying explaining that She and Dad were having problems in their sex life she went on to explain though Dad turned her on and she was excited that her body kept betraying her making it more and more difficult for her to orgasam no matter how or what She and Dad tried and sometimes it took forever.. I was wondering if this could be happening to L and she may not want you to know and perhaps that why Ricard was gone so long with her?? The good news to this story Mom went on very mild hormones and my parents got their sex life back.. I also thought it could be that L got a sudden case of being shy in front of you I’ve seen that can happen out of the blue for some people whom don’t appear the least bit shy..

    Continue Blessings
    His fawn

  4. You are both so very human. There is no doubt that Richard is an amazing Dom. There is no doubt that he cares about you immensely. It seems that he is so very anxious to make everything fit, to make it all work, that perhaps he is rushing, hoping for that moment when everything fits together as he sees it in his head. That is human. But I think no matter how strong you are, no matter how strong L is. No matter how intelligent, how good of a Dom, etc… Richard is. This was too soon. Too much. Two women who have pretty much had this man (who by all accounts is an amazing man) to themselves. Her brain tells her that he must have this (D/s), her brain tells her that she loves him and she must adapt if she wishes to keep him (perhaps not true but i’m sure she must feel this). This is much for anyone and not much time has passed, certainly there is a level of shock still in play. And you pixie, with instances like this where your needs (hugely important needs) are not met. That really must be met or the whole thing falls to little pieces on the floor. i want y’all to succeed, rooting over here for what has been a beautiful relationship to watch. But i think the only way for it to do so is for everything to be slowed down to a snail’s pace. It will be hard certainly, perhaps you won’t see him as much or it will be in different ways but surely a period of adjustment is necessary. i don’t think it can ever be how it was before.

    A zillion hugs to you.

  5. Hi Pixie, I’ve been a lurker here for a while, not so sure if I’ve ever commented or not…but I wanted to on this post. I really love reading your blog, and will certainly continue to do so.

    I’m sorry to hear about this experience, and I’m sure it must be painful. With L being thrown into the picture, undoubtedly the dynamic is changed, and will obviously take some getting used to as you both must figure out how this will all work out with Richard. I agree pretty much with what everyone else has said so far, and I think it will all come down to time, patience, and communication.

    I certainly wish you the best, I’m hopeful that things will get better, and please continue to blog because we all love it!

  6. Hi Pixie.

    I agree with what the others said. And would you believe, while reading this post I was thinking exactly the same as His fawn regarding why Richard did actually send you out of the room and spend time alone with L. My mum is in the early stages of menopause, so I’m hearing all about what happens (which is a good thing…I’ll know what to expect when it happens to me).

    This post stopped short. What happened next? Where did Richard go? Did you and L go look for Him? If you didn’t, what did you two talk about while He was gone? How long was He gone? When did He come back? What was said? Who said what?

    I know it’s your blog, but you really aren’t explaining everything…(and that’s your choice), but for us to comment honestly, we kinda need more details. Pixie, I’m really sorry if that comes across as demanding or bitchy. That is not my intention. I’m just giving you my thoughts. Take them or leave them, I mean no harm or disrespect.


  7. lol..thats OK Lucy. And yes we did go look for him. Our search resulted on she and I actually sharing a nice walk on the beach. A bonding moment perhaps…but we did split up and it turned out he never left the building. He was wandering around cooling off I think because he is so unused to be blatently disobeying him. L went back to the room to see if he was there (and he was) and I stayed on the beach. She actually then came to find me to let me know R was safe in the room. He was not happy with me.
    He won the battle though and I spent my night by his side. We all woke up smiling though…the sun was bright and we were after all at the beach.
    We have concluded that L and I need small doses of each other…it is hard for R to balance my needs with hers and still maintain a connection with us both.
    I for one am happy to avoid the drama for awhile….

    and as far as the orgasm for L…..he did say to me the next day that it is harder for her…that she isnt as young as me. I understand that. I understood it then. It was just hard for me….

  8. First I just want to say, I am sorry for what you are experiencing but

    You did ask if it would be best if you left, maybe R thought you would be ok since you did suggest it. To me, it all sounds like alot of miscommunications and misunderstandings and blame thrown everywhere.

    Like most have said, too much too soon. L needed him too, and by asking if you should leave, you more less put yourself in the position for him to choose to help L over you. I’m not saying you are wrong, I truly don’t think anyone is wrong. You are two women who both need this man and he is but only one man.

    As far as L not being able to climax, I imagine alot of pressure was put on her at that moment.

    But sabotage? I’m not seeing that from her, she seemed to be very comforting to you more than R. As others have said, I am sure there is more that took place…

  9. Yes, too much, too soon. Now we are all working at soothing the pains. Sigh::::

    And pixie does set a tough standard on easy orgasms, a fact not lost on L.

    I think pixie has even more horrible stuff to write about so I’m going off to hide under a rock for a while.

    Hugs, pixie,

  10. Richard,

    No hiding under rocks..though I can’t speak for others,my commements to you and pixie may seem harsh at times they aren’t meant to do be.I tend to be rather blunt blame my up bringing, this one was raised in an “no beating around the bush, out with it” type of family I have and continue to try to tone it down I don’t mean to hurt you or pixie’s feelings and If I have I’m sorry ..My views are my own and but coming from D/s poly relation though bit a different the three of yours..
    As for the mistakes each of you have made and those you will make later down the road it will be up to each of you .that (Means Pixie , L and You) to have a place in your hearts to forgive” and to learn from each lesson as you do I can promise you things will get easier..

    Now for the know it all in me.. I did try to tell you months ago this was too soon not only for L but all of you as I believe others here tried to tell you as well…Whatever pixie writes about next I’m sure some will be upset with you others upset with L..But what all boils down to is how the three of you move on from here… And although I think pixie your mature for your age which I’m guessing is alot younger then even I think, there are going to be times you won’t be able to understand where L is coming from just due to L’s life experinces and age she has over you at the same time L is going
    get confused by you due to your age and this new world of D/s you have Richard recently shown her..And Richard I don’t have to tell you its up to you to balance it out for both Ladies..For pixie being a good submissive will see most of the problems as L’s fault even when they aren’t.. And L will more than likely blame you both because no matter how much she saids she understands at present she really doesn’t..Many of yours readers think I am in L’s position in my poly relationship ..I’m not I just happen to champion those whom I see as the underdog..or is this cause the person who has the in my humble opinion the largest handycap in this 3 way relationship L has come in at the middle..Its not that don’t feel bad for pixie..but pixie has a huge head start where you concern with this part of your needs, L’s playing catch up.. Thanks you for allowing me to clear things up..

    Best wishes to all !!
    His fawn

  11. Thanks for filling us in Pixie. When I was writing my last post about asking what happened next etc, I couldn’t think of any other way I could have said it. When I re-read what I’d written, I thought “Shit, that sounds so bitchy.” And I just didn’t want anything I said being taken in the wrong way. Hence the last bit.

    Anyway, it must be hard for all of you. But L certainly does have to play catch-up. I wish all three of you the best. It can’t be easy, but life never is.


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