I’ve never known anyone like Richard. I am just now seeing him as a fallible human being. Surprisingly enough it does little to change how I feel about him. It is hard to stay up on a pedestal for very long. I am learning that with any relationship you have to take the good with the bad…it is not any different in my relationship with Richard.
He is fallible. He is human. I love him for that.
I mentioned before that Richard disappointed me more than once on our mini-vacation. More than anything I think for me was the realization- the abrupt realization of just where I stand on the priority list in this relationship. OK…maybe it isn’t THAT abrupt, I mean I am well aware of the limitations that come with what I have with Richard. And I am also well aware of the fact they are joined together in ‘holy matrimony’ and what that means. So it isn’t that I am confused about our roles. I am really not confused about too much right now. I am seeing everything clearly, more clearly than I think I ever have. So that is something good that has come lately.
Our vacation was to be (to me) an affirmation of my submission to Richard; a way to show L how we interact. Partly to set her mind at ease that what he and I share is not romance and candlelight….not that we can deny how we feel about each other. Yet there are fundamental differences in how he feels for me and how he feels for L. I know that he is unwilling to say that one relationship is more important to him than the other…in fact he has said that he would not give either of us up for the other one. I find that interesting and have maintained all along that if/when push comes to shove he would walk away from me if he had to. And that is how it should be. I know that. He maintains that if he ever lets me go it will be because he knows it is best for me but not having me in his life will never ever never be best for him. I think our weekend together did more to prove that to me than anything else. That was also something good about the weekend.
The plan was to settle into our rooms. Richard then wanted to define our roles to each other…meaning he wanted a clear line between who was his submissive and who was his spouse. A way he cleverly (ahem…) thought he could do this is put and then keep me in a submissive head space for the entire weekend. He said that upon arrival he was going to ask me one question….that question being where did I want marked…and that would be the last decision I made for the entire weekend. It happened just as he said…at least the first part. When we got there and were semi-relaxed his first instruction to me was to remove my pants. I think he wanted to humiliate me a little in front of L and show her my role…show her that I would obey him. A few minutes went past and he asked me where I wanted my mark. He was going to deliver a single hard cane mark any where I wanted on my body. He wanted it to last through the weekend to remind me that I was owned. I decided on my arm. He pulled me down on the bed and asked L if she wanted to hold me down…if she would hold my hand. She asked which was it? Was she holding my hand or was she holding me down? I think she was confused about which role she would rather have. Mr. Hand -Eye coordination didn’t do a very good first stroke…the cane caught the mattress and he decided to do a repeat. The first one was just fine to me but my Owner is somewhat of a perfectionist so he decided to do it again. It was right around then that L left the room. Richard was touching my hair and my face and using that murmuring voice he uses when he wants to draw me in…the one that reassures even as it warns me that he is going to hurt me.
I love that voice. Anyway…the second stroke was lined perfectly with the first one and it was hard, bruising and severe. He called L over to look at it and she did. She reached down to touch it and asked if I was alright. It hurt. I was alright. She walked back towards the other room and he leaned down and kissed me. Right on the mouth…a gentle soft comforting kiss. “You are mine.” He said touching my face and tilting it up towards his. “Yes..” I whispered unable to deny that or him. He winked at me. He had told me before we left that he couldn’t possibly tell me he loved me as often as he thought ablaut loving me in front of L. He said he would wink at me every time it crossed his mind. By the time we left I think most people thought he had developed a nervous tick.
L stood in the doorway watching our exchange and immediately suggested we get ready to go down to the beach. Her expression was stiff and Richard and I both knew this was not settling well with her. As we changed our clothes Richard commented several times on how nice her suit was etc…she likes compliments and she didn’t respond to them that well. I sensed something getting ready to break. Yet I was still unprepared when she stopped us at the doorway and said she had a question for me before we walked down to the ocean.
Uh-oh….was my first thought. I felt cornered and wanted Richard to step in right away and remind her that she was to direct questions or concerns regarding our relationship to HIM not me. He didn’t. L told me later that she could hear his heartbeat….as if he knew what she was going to ask.
“When you and Richard are together…what is it like? Does he kiss you? Does he kiss you on the mouth, the way lovers kiss? The way a husband kisses his wife?”
My first thought was that passionate kisses are not reserved for marriage…but given the mood of the moment and the look on Richard’s face I decided to swallow my comment. I looked to him and then looked back at her.
“You know I kiss her.” he said.
“Yes, but how do you kiss her? I want to hear from her. Don’t look at him look at me and answer my question?”
“It’s like he says…he kisses me. But there is a difference between how he kisses me and how a man kisses his lover.” I lied…partly. Truth is Richard kisses are more meaningful to me than any lover I have ever had because they draw so much out of me and pour so much back in. It is simply another way we connect and I hated that she was making it into something bad. Again…I didn’t think that would be the right thing to say.
“I think you are both lying.”
“I don’t want to do this.” I said cowardly not liking that my Owner had delivered me into a place where it looked like he expected me to lie for him. I know out of respect for her feelings he had not shared with her intimate details of our interactions. So truthfully I didn’t know what she knew. I walked out of the room. Not looking at Richard. I was disappointed in him. That was something bad about the weekend.
In my mind when he made the disclosure to L about what he was. About me and about our relationship it should have all came out. Details shouldn’t trickle out after the fact as if they are little secrets. I was put in the position to be dishonest to someone that R wants me to respect…by the one I trust and respect with all my heart.
I was bewildered and confused. I felt as if I had just discovered the tooth fairy was fake. I felt a little betrayed. Later on the beach L and I walked alone. I told her that I was ashamed that I had been put in that position. She asked me if I would describe my interactions with Richard as passionate. I said yes, of course. She asked if he told me that he loved me. I said yes. She asked if he had ever told me he loved me when he climaxed. I asked her if she really wanted me to answer that. In my mind I was trying to recall…if those words ever came out of his mouth at the moment of release. Considering some of the things he has said to me when I make him come ‘I love you’ seemed pretty innocuous.Yes he said he loved me when he came..he told me I was everything. he cherished me…he thanked God for me- and he isn’t even religious.
I told her that I respected Richard more than I ever respected any boyfriend or male figure (other than my dad who is the most amazing wonderful person that I don’t know how I would survive without him). She asked me if I loved him like a woman loves her lover. I told her that I loved him intensely. It was the nature of our relationship I said. She asked me again if he kissed me on the mouth…if he kissed me deeply and passionately. I told her that yes he does. She asked if it was often. I told her it just happens when we are together. I don’t keep track of it…only that it is a natural part of our relationship. It always had been and we were still able to maintain perspective. “But you haven’t really….have you? You can’t maintain a relationship other than the one you have with Richard. Nothing meaningful anyway. You two are in love with each other. It isn’t difficult to see that. He is in love with you. My husband is in love with you.” But he loves you too I said. It’s different. Why are they mutually exclusive?
“We love each other…it would be impossible to do what we do and not given the type of people we both are.”
Richard caught up with us and pretty much all hell broke loose for a while. She was angry and hurt and thought that all along she had been lied to by Richard. Again. She thought all was out on the table, she thought she knew it all.
I walked away to let them talk. This was where the weekend started to go wrong. This was something bad about the weekend.
It changed the focus of the relationship. It was certainly no longer going to be about my submission and increasing L’s understanding of it. The weekend would be about Richard consoling L and playing Mr. Attentive husband. He can’t turn that up without turning me down. I was in an awkward place. That was something bad about the weekend. I wanted to go home. I wanted to leave them alone so they could smooth this over. I didn’t want L hurt. I didn’t want her to feel lied to. I wanted to make her feel better but didn’t know how.
Yet there was good too. Somehow even that evening was salvaged. I am thankful we had multiple bottles of champagne…lol and a large choice of amazing restaurants with divine deserts to distract us. That was something good about the weekend.
I learned more about Richard. I certainly learned more about his dynamic with L. More than I wanted to know. Yet that is good….I think. I think we are all in a more honest relationship. That is good. I think. I hope.