S/M

the good…the bad

I’ve never known anyone like Richard. I am just now seeing him as a fallible human being. Surprisingly enough it does little to change how I feel about him. It is hard to stay up on a pedestal for very long. I am learning that with any relationship you have to take the good with the bad…it is not any different in my relationship with Richard.

He is fallible. He is human. I love him for that. 

I mentioned before that Richard disappointed me more than once on our mini-vacation. More than anything I think for me was the realization- the abrupt realization of just where I stand on the priority list in this relationship. OK…maybe it isn’t THAT abrupt, I mean I am well aware of the limitations that come with what I have with Richard. And I am also well aware of the fact they are joined together in ‘holy matrimony’ and what that means. So it isn’t that I am confused about our roles. I am really not confused about too much right now. I am seeing everything clearly, more clearly than I think I ever have. So that is something good that has come lately.

Our vacation was to be (to me) an affirmation of my submission to Richard; a way to show L how we interact. Partly to set her mind at ease that what he and I share is not romance and candlelight….not that we can deny how we feel about each other. Yet there are fundamental differences in how he feels for me and how he feels for L. I know that he is unwilling to say that one relationship is more important to him than the other…in fact he has said that he would not give either of us up for the other one. I find that interesting and have maintained all along that if/when push comes to shove he would walk away from me if he had to. And that is how it should be. I know that. He maintains that if he ever lets me go it will be because he knows it is best for me but not having me in his life will never ever never be best for him. I think our weekend together did more to prove that to me than anything else. That was also something good about the weekend.

The plan was to settle into our rooms. Richard then wanted to define our roles to each other…meaning he wanted a clear line between who was his submissive and who was his spouse. A way he cleverly (ahem…) thought he could do this is put and then keep me in a submissive head space for the entire weekend. He said that upon arrival he was going to ask me one question….that question being where did I want marked…and that would be the last decision I made for the entire weekend. It happened just as he said…at least the first part. When we got there and were semi-relaxed his first instruction to me was to remove my pants. I think he wanted to humiliate me a little in front of L and show her my role…show her that I would obey him. A few minutes went past and he asked me where I wanted my mark. He was going to deliver a single hard cane mark any where I wanted on my body. He wanted it to last through the weekend to remind me that I was owned. I decided on my arm. He pulled me down on the bed and asked L if she wanted to hold me down…if she would hold my hand. She asked which was it? Was she holding my hand or was she holding me down? I think she was confused about which role she would rather have. Mr. Hand -Eye coordination didn’t do a very good first stroke…the cane caught the mattress and he decided to do a repeat. The first one was just fine to me but my Owner is somewhat of a perfectionist so he decided to do it again. It was right around then that L left the room. Richard was touching my hair and my face and using that murmuring voice he uses when he wants to draw me in…the one that reassures even as it warns me that he is going to hurt me.

I love that voice. Anyway…the second stroke was lined perfectly with the first one and it was hard, bruising and severe. He called L over to look at it and she did. She reached down to touch it and asked if I was alright. It hurt. I was alright. She walked back towards the other room and he leaned down and kissed me. Right on the mouth…a gentle soft comforting kiss. “You are mine.” He said touching my face and tilting it up towards his. “Yes..” I whispered unable to deny that or him. He winked at me. He had told me before we left that he couldn’t possibly tell me he loved me as often as he thought ablaut loving me in front of L. He said he would wink at me every time it crossed his mind. By the time we left I think most people thought he had developed a nervous tick. 

L stood in the doorway watching our exchange and immediately suggested we get ready to go down to the beach. Her expression was stiff and Richard and I both knew this was not settling well with her. As we changed our clothes Richard commented several times on how nice her suit was etc…she likes compliments and she didn’t respond to them that well. I sensed something getting ready to break. Yet I was still unprepared when she stopped us at the doorway and said she had a question for me before we walked down to the ocean.

Uh-oh….was my first thought. I felt cornered and wanted Richard to step in right away and remind her that she was to direct questions or concerns regarding our relationship to HIM not me. He didn’t. L told me later that she could hear his heartbeat….as if he knew what she was going to ask.

“When you and Richard are together…what is it like? Does he kiss you? Does he kiss you on the mouth, the way lovers kiss? The way a husband kisses his wife?”

My first thought was that passionate kisses are not reserved for marriage…but given the mood of the moment and the look on Richard’s face I decided to swallow my comment. I looked to him and then looked back at her.

“You know I kiss her.” he said.

“Yes, but how do you kiss her? I want to hear from her. Don’t look at him look at me and answer my question?”

“It’s like he says…he kisses me. But there is a difference between how he kisses me and how a man kisses his lover.” I lied…partly. Truth is Richard kisses are more meaningful to me than any lover I have ever had because they draw so much out of me and pour so much back in. It is simply another way we connect and I hated that she was making it into something bad. Again…I didn’t think that would be the right thing to say.

“I think you are both lying.”

“I don’t want to do this.” I said cowardly not liking that my Owner had delivered me into a place where it looked like he expected me to lie for him. I know out of respect for her feelings he had not shared with her intimate details of our interactions. So truthfully I didn’t know what she knew. I walked out of the room. Not looking at Richard. I was disappointed in him. That was something bad about the weekend.

In my mind when he made the disclosure to L about what he was. About me and about our relationship it should have all came out. Details shouldn’t trickle out after the fact as if they are little secrets. I was put in the position to be dishonest to someone that R wants me to respect…by the one I trust and respect with all my heart.

I was bewildered and confused. I felt as if I had just discovered the tooth fairy was fake. I felt a little betrayed. Later on the beach L and I walked alone. I told her that I was ashamed that I had been put in that position. She asked me if I would describe my interactions with Richard as passionate. I said yes, of course. She asked if he told me that he loved me. I said yes. She asked if he had ever told me he loved me when he climaxed. I asked her if she really wanted me to answer that. In my mind I was trying to recall…if those words ever came out of his mouth at the moment of release. Considering some of the things he has said to me when I make him come ‘I love you’ seemed pretty innocuous.Yes he said he loved me when he came..he told me I was everything. he cherished me…he thanked God for me- and he isn’t even religious.

I told her that I respected Richard more than I ever respected any boyfriend or male figure (other than my dad who is the most amazing wonderful person that I don’t know how I would survive without him). She asked me if I loved him like a woman loves her lover. I told her that I loved him intensely. It was the nature of our relationship I said. She asked me again if he kissed me on the mouth…if he kissed me deeply and passionately. I told her that yes he does. She asked if it was often. I told her it just happens when we are together. I don’t keep track of it…only that it is a natural part of our relationship. It always had been and we were still able to maintain perspective. “But you haven’t really….have you? You can’t maintain a relationship other than the one you have with Richard. Nothing meaningful anyway. You two are in love with each other. It isn’t difficult to see that. He is in love with you. My husband is in love with you.”   But he loves you too I said. It’s different. Why are they mutually exclusive?

“We love each other…it would be impossible to do what we do and not given the type of people we both are.”

Richard caught up with us and pretty much all hell broke loose for a while. She was angry and hurt and thought that all along she had been lied to by Richard. Again. She thought all was out on the table, she thought she knew it all.

I walked away to let them talk. This was where the weekend started to go wrong. This was something bad about the weekend.

It changed the focus of the relationship. It was certainly no longer going to be about my submission and increasing L’s understanding of it. The weekend would be about Richard consoling L and playing Mr. Attentive husband. He can’t turn that up without turning me down. I was in an awkward place. That was something bad about the weekend. I wanted to go home. I wanted to leave them alone so they could smooth this over.  I didn’t want L hurt. I didn’t want her to feel lied to. I wanted to make her feel better but didn’t know how. 

Yet there was good too. Somehow even that evening was salvaged. I am thankful we had multiple bottles of champagne…lol and a large choice of amazing restaurants with divine deserts to distract us. That was something good about the weekend.

I learned more about Richard. I certainly learned more about his dynamic with L. More than I wanted to know. Yet that is good….I think. I think we are all in a more honest relationship. That is good. I think. I hope.

16 thoughts on “the good…the bad

  1. pixie,

    I think you & L were both put in a awkward position. R was not completely honest with her, and hasn’t been for years, she has a right to be angry for what he has been doing. Before you there was someone as well, I can’t imagine how she must feel her world crumbling down. Not only do you feel your trust in him diminish but imagine how it must be fore her! After how many years to find this out, and he’s still not completely honest. The pain this woman must feel, I don’t know how she does it really.

    She has a right to be angry, how she handles her anger is another thing. This should have been dealt with long before you all decided to go away together. The pain of seeing your husband express love & passion towards someone else, she must be reeling! SO much healing she must do, so much forgiveness she must give R. And yet, she keeps getting new hits.

    Neither of you should have been put in that position. R should have handled it differently and not allowed you to be cornered by L. The questions should have been answered by him. No wonder the vacation was a bust. It was all based on lies to protect himself. Neither L or you had his protection.

  2. pixie,

    I’m confused, I still don’t see where L sabotage this weekend ? Though I don’t agree with L cornering you , my guess is L did it because she knew wasn’t going to get a straight answer from Richard and was looking towards you for the truth, that’s not sabotage…You say you know all about holy matrimony then don’t forget where it saids “forsaking all others”..Richard made the promises to L years ago and hes been breaking them a long time now , not just his affair with you but his on and off again affair with Ms Anna..Though it hasn’t been said if L knows about Ms Anna .. I give Richard credit for telling L about you and his needs but it seems he “forgot to tell the whole thruth when it comes to loving you”. Even though have you said in past posts L knows there is deeper feelings on both you and Richard parts..Knowing about them is one thing..Seeing them displayed is something much different!! After reading your post today its doubtful if L really did know about them…It makes one wonder if Richard can lie to L this much, just how much and how often Richard lies to you..? One can only hope after this trip Richard will be honest from now on…My heart goes out to L she has so much forgiving and healing to do the from wounds and pain that have been afflicted on her, many aren’t strong enough to do it let’s hope she is…I still don’t see where L sabotage this trip..

    Ps..I hoped you read my last comment on your blog..

    Blessing and prayers (yes prayers) to all

    His fawn

  3. It makes me sad to see your trust shattering here pixie. It is nothing short of a gift that you offer your Owner and one that is certainly required to submit to him. You let this man hurt you. Hurt you. Tie you up and hurt you. How can you do that if you can’t trust him.
    If he has lied to L and you know too well how much and for how long he has lied to her why are you shocked he would break your trust. Can you trust him again? Will this impact your ability to submit to him?
    Another question and you can’t answer this because you aren’t L but why does she stay? What is the payoff to her? Most women would not. Does she enjoy the victim role, the role of the martyr?

    I hope you can recover from this pixiepie. Don’t settle for less than what you need to have given and shown to you in this relationship.
    Richard is playing a selfish game. Neither one of you deserve this. She is far luckier than you in one respect. Does she not seek the comfort of his arms daily, his reassuring words and touches? Who comforts you pix?

  4. his fawn,
    thank you again for your insightful comments. also thank you for remembering you dont see the full picture….i share bits and pieces of my thoughts and feelings. i do this for myself not thinking i need to justify my every word or feeling.
    i refuse to do that..that is not the purpose of me sharing myself here.
    thanks again for your reflections and thoughts…know that your words often make me think and also know the questions you ask are the very questions i ask too. they are always welcome.
    pixie

  5. M

    L stays because she loves Richard more than she loves herself, she stays because Richard is her world..L stays because dispite it all said and done, Richard Loves L..No one enjoys being a victim so the only reason one can see L for stay staying is her love of her husband…

    The question is why does pixie stay? When she deserves better? Perhaps because she too loves Richard and he loves her..

    His fawn

  6. Pixie

    I don’t think anyone here expects you to tell us everything..it’s kind enough of you to allow your readers to comment on what you do post and we thank you for allowing us our opinions right or wrong.. Just as most of us know when we read your blog we are only getting your side of the story or a snapshot when there are always other sides and bigger pictures….So I think we your readers try to keep that in mind when we comment giving you our honest opinions the best we can on what information are telling us, your readers…

    Again thanks for sharing parts of yourself with us,

    His fawn

  7. I think you are wrong when you say people can’t enjoy falling into the victim roll. It is about what they get out of being the victim. It is a learned behavior and one that is hard to break when it is reinforced. We don’t know because pixie respectfully refrains from sharing a lot about R and L together about the dynamic between the two of them. So we do not know what the pay off is. What we do see is it is an almost certain way to take the focus off of pixie and Richard and direct it back to L. Perhaps this is what pixie meant by sabotaging?

    We also can’t speculate on why L stays with Richard because we don’t know the kind of person she is. We don’t know her needs. I think what pixie is saying is that she can’t accept Richard and pixie and act as if she is ok with it only to turn into a train wreck everytime it is in her face. That is sabotage even if it isn’t fully intentional.

    I think Richard should have released pixie a long time ago. Her distress level has been up and down and now with her health. I too see this as a selfish kind of love. The essence of a good Dominant is to put the needs and well being of his submissive over his own. Richard stopped doing that with pixie a long time ago. I worry that this is a shock to pixie as she is just now seeing it. Yet pixie…it has never been a secret of the kind of husband Richard is/was why do you think he would afford you any more consideration. Especially when you have stated again and again that when ‘push comes to shove’ L will be priority.

  8. the inevitable fall from grace. 😦
    poor pixie..Richard should have told you long ago he wasn’t perfect.

    heal your wounds. you need a man of your very own….your words pour out that you need more. you need more attention. you need someone you can trust. you need to be someones priority. you will never be his.
    i agree with illiana. Richard let you down when he stopped acknowledging your right to feel pain. Not that he shouldnt focus on L but you have a high emotional stake here too.
    be strong pixie.

  9. I disagree that one enjoys being a victim but I do agree that being a victim it is a learned behavior and that doesn’t mean its enjoyed…and if L is playing the victim is pixie as well?

    Pixie doesn’t alway refrain from showing her view of L and Richards behavior toward each other and I agree and have often said we aren’t getting the whole picture or the whole story.

    This is pixies blog so we are truly only getting her side of the story which well within pixie’s right it’s her blog..Once in a while we get Richards when he comments..

    Yes one can speculate why L stays..it doesn’t mean the speculation is wrong or correct it’s speculation..L actions that pixie has posted leads one to believe L stays because she loves Richard..Of course L said she was okay with it..Richard didn’t tell L the whole truth and perhaps L has said she’s okay with it because she doesn’t want to lose her husband.

    I agree pixie deserves better and love to call all her own.

    His fawn

  10. I am curios why almost everyone seems to think there should be a payoff when it comes to relationships and love.. If you love someone why must there be pay back for loving them?? Granted one would hope the person you love loves you back..but other than that why must there be a payoff??

    thank you
    His fawn

  11. his fawn,

    i imagine it’s b/c without some reciprocity, it’s sad, hurtful and profoundly lonely. energy can only flow one way for a time. i’m not saying that’s the case here, just trying to answer your question about ‘payoff’ expectations.

    i suspect what happened here is R explained PP to L by saying she met a need he had for inflicting pain, and L chose to see that through an unrealistically narrow lens. now that she sees it more for what it really is, she has a whole new paradigm to try to get her head around. perhaps the same can be said for our beloved pixie. i respect them all very much for trying to climb what seems to be an Everest-like endeavor.

  12. Pixiepie,

    Can’t understand exactly what you’re going through since I’ve not gone through that myself. What I can say is that the simple step of opening up on the part of everyone that weekend, being put in an awkward situation and going forward with transparency, is a big and BRAVE step on everyone’s part.

    Huge hugz and kudoz for even attempting something like this…

  13. I have been in a relationship with a man who had another woman behind my back. He and I would talk about things and it would hurt and then I’d be okay, but then something would happen and the exact reality of it would hit me and I’d feel lied to, I’d act lied to and he’d feel guilty about my pain, even if he’d been brutally honest and so act like he’d lied and then we’d get a deeper level of understanding for it all. Sometimes it would indeed be that he’d feared how I would take it if I had a clear picture of some detail of it all and would gloss the details. Other times it would be that he told me, but I didn’t listen well or really get it on a gut level, so I’d freak out. Sometimes it just didn’t matter that I’d been okay with the whole thing before intellectually. When confronted with the reality of it, I was freaked out.

    And that’s just the stuff that has to do with being cheated on by my first husband.

    In this marriage, its polyamorous. In this instance, I learned through trial and error that some things are mine. I just don’t want him doing those things with anyone else. I don’t. And so I’ve claimed that part of him or at least discussed my needs with him even if he doesn’t want to agree to making something an exclusive activity. But I didn’t find that out until I was confronted with the idea of it happening.

    It seems that this may be a topic that L and Richard need to discuss…

    This is an intensely subtle and complicated situation. On this level, I do not envy you…and yet I do. I rather wish I was with M and his wife doing this very work toward a relationship of some sorts that lasts. But that’s really all beside the point…that’s just me blathering aloud.

    Anyhoo…hearing about it and seeing it are two entirely different things. Personally, were I Richard, I think I might have called a halt to the weekend being anything but platonic in that first moment because it is clear that L needed to process and that I couldn’t be two 100% things to two individuals at once…but I’m not Richard and I’ve never been in that situation and sometimes, the fluctuation between great and not okay at all can swing so wildly within interactions between myself and others that its really hard to determine when to stop or if the cumulative effects of it all are causing trouble.

    In that situation, it would have been best for him to talk to both of you privately and sort a bit out before going any further…

    Yup. Complicated and any one looking in from the outside can so easily point and say…there and there is the ‘time out’ place that should have happened…but that doesn’t mean he perceived it that way in the moment.

    I can say that its a painful place to be to see the foibles of a man I submit to. Its painful to see him fall off his pedestal. I feel scared and betrayed and resentful sometimes. I also know that its inevitable. No one is perfect. No one. No matter how wonderful, insightful, sensitive and wise a person is, they will screw up or perceive something else was more important in the moment than I did and I’ll feel hurt.

    *sighs…* Its a fine line in submission to keep an internal self that’s strong and sourcing something bigger than the Dominant…through the dominant, meaning he’s the road to the Source, but isn’t the Source itself really. That’s what I’m trying to engage more emotionally, because its more healthy for us both. I can surrender to him and his guidance, but feel nourished and safe even when he screws up that way… If that makes any sense at all.

    I’m not sure how that’s going to work in actuality, the theory feels sound when I examine it and I’m trying to figure it out.

    Hang in there. You have such a challenging situation on several fronts in your life…I hope you are feeling well despire the disappointment and stress of it all. ((hugs))

  14. pixie…

    i just don’t see how any relationship that is based in so much duplicity can be healthy. R was dishonest with L about his very nature…her world must be falling in on her just as your’s is. i get the sense, from your writing, that you are a very open and honest person. you seem deeply emotional and really want to connect to L and to “owners” in the plural sense if that was to be avaliable to you. It’s just difficult to have believe in a happy ending for the three of you when things started out so difficult.

    fown

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