There is a lot swirling around us now. Surely the vacation-from-hell posts have made that clear. And several readers have posted comments noting, as I myself have noted, that pixie’s ups and downs have been quite visible for some time. One post is up, one post is down. And there was the time that pixie asked me to release her after an email from L – if my memory is working, I think the post was something like “Meeting L.” And my God, the angst we caused each other all last year, wondering if it was “time” for me to let her go. And many people have called for my impeachment, as it were. But because our pixie doesn’t tell all (she does have her secrets), I thought I would write a little about this.
The day after we all returned from the vacation disaster, I saw pixie over lunch. Yes, another “Give a Dom an Hour” experience. We met at the apartment. After a weekend of frustration, I quickly ordered pixie out of her clothes. A number of orgasms later, as she was on her back, knees up, I straddled her and teased her mouth with my cock. I finally let her have it and began to fuck her mouth. About 10 seconds later, she convulsed in another spontaneous, “no touching” orgasm. I looked at her in surprise and she said “what just happened?” And we both laughed. As I have said, easy orgasms. But I digress…..
Later she said something about wishing I had had intercourse with her. And later still, she said something about wishing we had been able to go to the beach together again. I said, “you are giving me a Richard ‘bucket list’ and I can’t stand to listen to it.” She laughed and denied it, but it didn’t feel very good. She really was giving me a bucket list
The next day (Wednesday) pixie left on a business trip and quickly started to come unglued. Thursday morning I awoke to find an email from pixie that said in part:
“I am scared of myself tonight. Scared that I am doing the wrong thing, even more scared that I am doing the right thing. In my mind your words are playing in my head…the words were you warned me that if I asked to be released you would not have the strength to deny me, you would not try to talk me out of it. You also said that you didn’t want to let me go, that you didn’t want me to say those words to you…….
I am not asking to be released. I am releasing you. With nothing but love in my heart for you and a treasured box of bittersweet tear dampened and sunshine dried memories…I release you. I wish you love and peace in your heart.”
So many text messages passed between us on Thursday and Friday, a few emails, some phone calls. Of course I tried to dissuade her. I even said in one text message “I do not accept your release of me.” In the end, I sent a response to her which ended:
“You may call me today if you wish. If not, I will call you next week to make sure…. yes, I want to give you every chance I can to change your mind about this before I start trying to dismantle what we have built. Don’t put me through this pain if you are not determined to see it through. There is much resignation in this email, I know – it is because you have tried so hard so many times…. I can’t stand in the way any longer. Just know that I stand by my words – I am not walking away from you. And I never would have, although I was never able to make you believe that.
“Oh the mad coupling of hope and force
in which we merged and despaired.”
with nothing but love and sadness,
Because pixie did not have computer access, I described this email to her and she said “so you are giving me until Monday to change my mind.” We both laughed, through the pain, and I said yes, I wanted to leave the door open. Much to my despair, I did not hear a word from her all weekend.. By Sunday night, I was telling L that there was too much resolve in pixie’s voice, her words, that I wasn’t going to be able to change her mind. L and I spent the weekend with friends, and she knew I was doing a good job of hiding it all, but she knew the melancholy in my eyes.
On Monday, pixie and I talked – it was very tentative, especially at first. I was already trying to pull back emotionally. I am sure my voice sounded flat. There was a lot of resignation in my head. But we talked. And we chatted. And we talked some more. And she said that it wasn’t until the middle of the night on Sunday that she began to change her mind. We met Tuesday for lunch and just sat in her car and talked. There was one chat entry that I saved. It said:
“i think that the very idea of not being loved and owned by you…. because for me i cant separate the two anymore… breaks my heart. i don’t want to replace you. i don’t want anyone else to touch me or love me or even need me. i am yours. i know that. but i also know that it will never be more than what it is… and one day another will love me and touch me and need me. this past weekend showed me a lot of things…. but one thing stands out in my mind… and that is when i need – i need you. and when i want – i want you…. and when i love… it’s you that i love. and until you tell me that is bad or wrong and or you don’t want it anymore that is what i will give you.”
On some days, L can accept sharing her husband. On other days, it is very, very hard. On those days she wishes this would end, sooner rather than later. On some days it occurs to her, as it has to me, that this could last for years. And yet, because of love (and yes, it goes both ways) she can hang on and stay with me. On some days, pixie can accept that she shares me with a wife; she can write those words above and say “I know it will never be more that what it is.” And in spite of that, because of love (and yes, it goes both ways) she can hang on and love me and give me all that she does. Love is a cruel master.
All of this can change overnight. No one has agreed to go on forever, or for a week. Everyone except me is in for a day at a time. I am in for the long haul. I can only say, please don’t leave, I’m not leaving, I’m not giving either of you up; and then hope that both of them hang on tight. Selfish? Quite possible true. Is there pain? Of course there is. Will there be more? I’m afraid so. Should I let pixie go, or should she, having let me go, not have grabbed hold of me again? Who is to say? Each of us has an opinion on that, I am certain. pixie and I have given it more thought than the rest of the world combined. We are where we are – call it what you will.
I have tried to teach pixie some things about love- that it is not security, it is vulnerability; that it always involves some pain; that to avoid love to avoid the pain is to avoid life, the best part of life; that the pain we will know from our parting is a price I am willing to pay for the joy of knowing and loving and owning and using and dominating pixie; that the love you take is equal to the love you make (ok, I didn’t write that, but it is really good, don’t you think?). It is all wound up together, isn’t it? I can not separate the parts either.
After the long weekend that pixie has documented here, and all my foolishness (and not even all of it…) for all the world to see, I said to pixie that the three of us were on a whirling merry-go-round, perfectly balanced, and that if one of us tried to jump off they would (of course) be hurt terribly, but that the remaining spinning merry-go-round, now unbalanced, would spin and wobble and crash. We are connected in a way that cannot easily be undone without hurt to all of us – different ways, surely, but hurt to all of us. We have all begun to see that jumping off, or letting someone else jump off, is a difficult task. We are holding hands and spinning wildly on the beach until one of us lets go of one hand and we all fall down.
This week, neither pixie nor I nor L is letting go.
Thank you all for your really thoughtful comments, helpful even when they hurt. I especially thank those of you who have found a way to deliver insightful comments taking me or us to task but doing so in a way that is kind and decent. Criticism, delivered with good intentions and hope and support , are a gift we cherish. I know pixie agrees.