S/M

letting pixie go

There is a lot swirling around us now. Surely the vacation-from-hell posts have made that clear. And several readers have posted comments noting, as I myself have noted, that pixie’s ups and downs have been quite visible for some time. One post is up, one post is down. And there was the time that pixie asked me to release her after an email from L – if my memory is working, I think the post was something like “Meeting L.” And my God, the angst we caused each other all last year, wondering if it was “time” for me to let her go. And many people have called for my impeachment, as it were. But because our pixie doesn’t tell all (she does have her secrets), I thought I would write a little about this.

The day after we all returned from the vacation disaster, I saw pixie over lunch. Yes, another “Give a Dom an Hour” experience. We met at the apartment. After a weekend of frustration, I quickly ordered pixie out of her clothes. A number of orgasms later, as she was on her back, knees up, I straddled her and teased her mouth with my cock. I finally let her have it and began to fuck her mouth. About 10 seconds later, she convulsed in another spontaneous, “no touching” orgasm. I looked at her in surprise and she said “what just happened?” And we both laughed. As I have said, easy orgasms. But I digress…..

Later she said something about wishing I had had intercourse with her. And later still, she said something about wishing we had been able to go to the beach together again. I said, “you are giving me a Richard ‘bucket list’ and I can’t stand to listen to it.” She laughed and denied it, but it didn’t feel very good. She really was giving me a bucket list

The next day (Wednesday) pixie left on a business trip and quickly started to come unglued. Thursday morning I awoke to find an email from pixie that said in part:

“I am scared of myself tonight. Scared that I am doing the wrong thing, even more scared that I am doing the right thing. In my mind your words are playing in my head…the words were you warned me that if I asked to be released you would not have the strength to deny me, you would not try to talk me out of it. You also said that you didn’t want to let me go, that you didn’t want me to say those words to you…….

I am not asking to be released. I am releasing you. With nothing but love in my heart for you and a treasured box of bittersweet tear dampened and sunshine dried memories…I release you. I wish you love and peace in your heart.”

So many text messages passed between us on Thursday and Friday, a few emails, some phone calls. Of course I tried to dissuade her. I even said in one text message “I do not accept your release of me.” In the end, I sent a response to her which ended:

“You may call me today if you wish. If not, I will call you next week to make sure…. yes, I want to give you every chance I can to change your mind about this before I start trying to dismantle what we have built. Don’t put me through this pain if you are not determined to see it through. There is much resignation in this email, I know – it is because you have tried so hard so many times…. I can’t stand in the way any longer. Just know that I stand by my words – I am not walking away from you. And I never would have, although I was never able to make you believe that.

“Oh the mad coupling of hope and force

in which we merged and despaired.”

with nothing but love and sadness,

R”

Because pixie did not have computer access, I described this email to her and she said “so you are giving me until Monday to change my mind.” We both laughed, through the pain, and I said yes, I wanted to leave the door open. Much to my despair, I did not hear a word from her all weekend.. By Sunday night, I was telling L that there was too much resolve in pixie’s voice, her words, that I wasn’t going to be able to change her mind. L and I spent the weekend with friends, and she knew I was doing a good job of hiding it all, but she knew the melancholy in my eyes.

On Monday, pixie and I talked – it was very tentative, especially at first. I was already trying to pull back emotionally. I am sure my voice sounded flat. There was a lot of resignation in my head. But we talked. And we chatted. And we talked some more. And she said that it wasn’t until the middle of the night on Sunday that she began to change her mind. We met Tuesday for lunch and just sat in her car and talked. There was one chat entry that I saved. It said:

“i think that the very idea of not being loved and owned by you…. because for me i cant separate the two anymore… breaks my heart. i don’t want to replace you. i don’t want anyone else to touch me or love me or even need me. i am yours. i know that. but i also know that it will never be more than what it is… and one day another will love me and touch me and need me. this past weekend showed me a lot of things…. but one thing stands out in my mind… and that is when i need – i need you. and when i want – i want you…. and when i love… it’s you that i love. and until you tell me that is bad or wrong and or you don’t want it anymore that is what i will give you.”

On some days, L can accept sharing her husband. On other days, it is very, very hard. On those days she wishes this would end, sooner rather than later. On some days it occurs to her, as it has to me, that this could last for years. And yet, because of love (and yes, it goes both ways) she can hang on and stay with me. On some days, pixie can accept that she shares me with a wife; she can write those words above and say “I know it will never be more that what it is.” And in spite of that, because of love (and yes, it goes both ways) she can hang on and love me and give me all that she does. Love is a cruel master.

All of this can change overnight. No one has agreed to go on forever, or for a week. Everyone except me is in for a day at a time. I am in for the long haul. I can only say, please don’t leave, I’m not leaving, I’m not giving either of you up; and then hope that both of them hang on tight. Selfish? Quite possible true. Is there pain? Of course there is. Will there be more? I’m afraid so. Should I let pixie go, or should she, having let me go, not have grabbed hold of me again? Who is to say? Each of us has an opinion on that, I am certain. pixie and I have given it more thought than the rest of the world combined. We are where we are – call it what you will.

I have tried to teach pixie some things about love- that it is not security, it is vulnerability; that it always involves some pain; that to avoid love to avoid the pain is to avoid life, the best part of life; that the pain we will know from our parting is a price I am willing to pay for the joy of knowing and loving and owning and using and dominating pixie; that the love you take is equal to the love you make (ok, I didn’t write that, but it is really good, don’t you think?). It is all wound up together, isn’t it? I can not separate the parts either.

After the long weekend that pixie has documented here, and all my foolishness (and not even all of it…) for all the world to see, I said to pixie that the three of us were on a whirling merry-go-round, perfectly balanced, and that if one of us tried to jump off they would (of course) be hurt terribly, but that the remaining spinning merry-go-round, now unbalanced, would spin and wobble and crash. We are connected in a way that cannot easily be undone without hurt to all of us – different ways, surely, but hurt to all of us. We have all begun to see that jumping off, or letting someone else jump off, is a difficult task. We are holding hands and spinning wildly on the beach until one of us lets go of one hand and we all fall down.

This week, neither pixie nor I nor L is letting go.

Thank you all for your really thoughtful comments, helpful even when they hurt. I especially thank those of you who have found a way to deliver insightful comments taking me or us to task but doing so in a way that is kind and decent. Criticism, delivered with good intentions and hope and support , are a gift we cherish. I know pixie agrees.

14 thoughts on “letting pixie go

  1. Wow! This is so sad. I’ve been reading both of you for so long. I’m not going to try to add any insight (from any perspective). It is what it is and I know there is pain for all involved. I hope something can be worked out to ease the pain.

  2. Polyamory certainly does demand a great deal of vulnerability and the reward is exponentially expanded love. There is such great potential in reaching your mutual comfort zones in all this.

    Yet, if anyone just plain needs to let go…the loving will not evaporate, nor will the strength and lessons gleaned from it. You’ve expanded each other. As you said so eloquently, that’s a gift.

    Though your heart is tender and you’ve had trouble protecting both pixie and L at times, you’ve won my admiration for holding your heart out so bravely to them both and sticking by them both as best you can. Blessings Richard. I’m sure you’ll find your way in this regardless of outcomes. *smiles*

  3. Greenwoman,
    I want to thank you for this comment and your previous one, which really hit the nail on the head for me.
    As pixie and I and L continue to try to hold this together, I hope you keep up the encouraging words.
    There are days when even I want to give up – imagine how much harder for pixie and L. This a.m. L said “you’re here but you’re not here.”. I try but I can’t hide it, when things aren’t right between pixie and me.
    But neither L nor I have thrown in the towel, and I’m hoping pixie hangs on too. You hear me pixie? Sending you a public hug and hoping to hear a smile in your voice. R

  4. When I saw the title of this post pixie I thought perhaps Richard finally wised up. What he is doing to you is cruel. Unthinkable. He should be ashamed of himself. It is arrogant and demeaning for him to offer what he does and call it Dominance. You are a hot commodity in the D/s lifestyle (not taking away your vanilla appeal)- you deserve more.

  5. Thanks you for this lovely post and glimpse into your heart…its good to hear your take on things .. Is happy to see you didn’t hide under a rock..as said before What matters now is how the three of you move on and keep forgiveness your hearts for the mistakes that may lay ahead…

    As Masters said things will be as the should in the end wanted or not..

    With hopes that it works out for all concerned
    His fawn

  6. Sorry thats is *they*should…

    I’m a bad proof reader and darn it there’s no cancel or edit button..

  7. Thank You so much for this post. i have been reading daily and have for quite awhile, and i have learned a lot and have found peace in my own journey through Your shares, all of them. i am owned by a wonderful Master who also has a partner, and i have a husband and for the majority of the days together W/we are happy. There is also pain, miscommunication and agony. Life gets in the way and so do emotions…..but this is only for Y/you all to decide. Be easy on Y/yourselves and give it time. Great love, whether it is D/s or vanilla takes a lot of patience and give and take and i agree things will end the way they are intended to be.

    Hugs to all of Y/you

  8. It’s a bloody good job too! From a readers point of view this blog will take a turn for the worst should you split… I’m sure I’ll still be here, with a tear.

    Of course .. this is actually your lives and from a “Soul Perspective” anyone who can give me mutiple “no touching” orgasms will have my heart forever.

    Men like this are HARD to find.

    xxx

  9. In all relationships, no matter how intense or mundane, there comes a point where reality hits like a Mack Truck with a homicidal mission.

    It happens all the time, and it happened here.

    What you all can look forward to now is clarity, and personally – i think that’s the bee’s knees, no matter what ending.

  10. Jesus God..you people. 🙂
    I am astounded that you are all still on this merry go round. Great analogy. I think all of you are reaching for the elusive gold ring. You won’t find it.
    My intuition tells me this relationship is no more polyamourous than it was before L knew. Is there really shared loved all around or is it a passive and not so passive aggressive manipulation of hearts?
    Oddly enough Richard I don’t see you as selfish. I believe you genuinly love pixie. If you are doing anything wrong it is allowing your love for her to hurt her more than help her.
    You talk of choices here and one of them letting go or hanging on whatever the case may be. To put that decision on pixie is wrong. There comes a time and a day and I am not saying it is today (certainly the aching vulnerability that sneaks into pixies ‘stories’ and memories proves that.) where you need to step up and let her go. You’ll know whenthat day is. She most likely will not. In the interim Richard take care of her because it won’t be you that she will settle her heart of hearts on one day. As she wrote “one day another will love me and touch me and need me.” Be careful how you leave her and what marks you leave on her heart and on her soul. She’ll take them all with her when she goes.

  11. Richard,

    i have been reading pixie for a little while now and through her more recent stories i did loose hope and not a little respect for you and what you were putting both her and L through. This post has renewed some of that hope and respect. To hear you call yourself selfish, something i am sure was not an easy thing for you to self-evaulate, gives me hope. i wonder if there might be chances for L to “date” pixie and possibly come to terms with making a choice for the three of you to be together, more then the choice she was presented with. That’s simply my humble suggestion…

    fown

  12. Does ayone remember promise rings? Well they’ve made a comeback, mostly with the teen generation. They symbolize commitment, especially for couples too young to get married. They can also symbolize an unbreakable friendship bond. A gift of these and a buch of fresh blooms will go a long way in any relationship, even friendship.

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