S/M

kisses and truths


How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said. ~Victor Hugo

We’ve all managed to keep our sense of humor. I don’t know how…maybe because we are all well aware of not only the shortness of life but how precious it truly is. Richard jokingly warned my readers that the worse part of the weekend had yet to be revealed. I was surprised he mentioned it at all since a lot of what I’ve written reflects poorly on him. He told me last night that he never promised me that he was perfect. He even reminded me that every time I would tell him he was in fact perfect he would remind me of the reasons why he was not.

He said he never asked to be placed on a pedestal. I disagreed. I told him he did that to himself every time he touched me, every time he made me kneel and look up at him, every time he made me beg…every time he held an orgasm just out of my reach until they could only ever be his. He only shook his head as if he didn’t quite know what to say. He held me a little closer and told me he loved me…he said he loved me from the first day he saw me. “I know.” I said even though I knew that wasn’t true. Truth was he tried very hard and for a long time not to love me.

L told me he had once told her that loving me and allowing me to love him was a mistake. She also told me that Richard had agreed to make a brave attempt at removing the emotional side of our relationship….to focus more on the D/s and less on the two way affection that flows between us. I knew even as she was speaking that wouldn’t happen. It hit me how much he had to hold back to pacify her…it made me wonder why he told her the truth at all? 

This was after she cornered me at the beach. After I was put in the position of lying to her and acknowledging Richard was still lying to her about me. In my mind and I tried to explain this to them both that lying about what we share goes against what we are trying to build. And like one reader said if Richard lies so easily to L what makes me think he wouldn’t lie to me as well? I felt nauseous.  I felt as if a lot of the pain was in vain when there were still secrets especially when the secrets were about me and what he gives me.

Until our beach trip unless I had the black and white indisputable evidence in front of me I would never think Richard capable of lying to me. One reason I need someone like Richard in my life is because he gives me an example of what to strive for…he is good and brave and kind and everything in between, And yes he is fallible but even the most fallible of men are driven to be honest by some goodness inside of them. Right? What is a Dominant if they don’t bring out the best in you…expect the best from you and show you their best. To me and correct me if I am way off that is a primary role of a Dominant.

Richard lied to me at the beach. Maybe he did it so I wouldn’t be hurt or maybe he did it so he wouldn’t have to justify breaking one of his rules..or maybe he thought if I knew the truth I would think him weak. It was decided before we went to the beach that we wouldn’t have any sex. None of us. Richard sincerely promised to leave his pants on. And while we all laughed at the time he said it we all knew we weren’t any where close to being ready for that. L may never be…I may never be.

So let me set the stage. It is the morning after Richard’s disappearance. I am feeling abandoned and sad. I was left outside on the balcony for close to an hour hearing little moaning noises compliments of L through the door. I was in a horrible state of mind. Early that morning Richard asked me if I wouldn’t mind giving him some time alone with L that morning. Apparently she was also in a horrible state of mind. And me being the submissive, the dispensable one, the strong one as R put it should understand that she needed some time with him. “Sure” I said. I was already numb so what did it matter? We ended up at the beach and I took my chair and towel and moved down the beach from them. I read and listened to my ipod…and people watched for almost an hour. I then took the longest walk on the beach EVER before coming back to my chair and sunbathing for another undetermined length of time. I avoided looking at them. I didn’t know what they were doing and by now I didn’t care. I think this is where I finally started to see the inevitability of me having to be the strong one and walking out of this relationship. Never before (or so I thought) had my feelings, had my mental health, my emotions been so disregarded. I felt …well, there are really no good words to explain how I felt. Lost and alone and forgotten are all a start. I started to resign myself. Prepare myself even subconsciously for what I knew I would have to do just to survive this relationship.

Richard walked to me and knelt by my chair. He said they were going to walk on the beach. I asked him if he was really leaving? I said I had left them alone…why were they now leaving? He said again they were going walking and he asked me where I would be. I said I guessed I would be here at the beach. I rolled over and watched the ocean and paralleled it to my feelings for Richard. I imagined myself as the coastline and Richard the water…I watched as it covered and flooded the coastline but always, always pulled away but also always taking a little of the coast out to sea. I thought of us like that. I realized how insignificant my feelings were to him compared to keeping L pacified and content. I felt like an outsider…and I suppose I was. I am.

The beach grew cold. The wind picked up and all I had was my suit…a damp towel and three empty beach chairs. I walked up to our rooms and my key wouldn’t work. My first thought was frustration because we were in this huge resort and it would have taken me a day to walk across to get my key fixed. So I resigned myself to going back to the beach to wait for L and Richard to come back. I tried my key one more time before turning to leave. A housekeeper asked me if I needed help. I told her my key wasn’t working.

“Oh honey.” she said “Your parents went inside awhile ago. They must have the latch on that is why your key won’t work.”

I don’t think I answered her. I just turned around and walked away. I realized what was going on behind the door. I realized what that meant. And what it took from me. I don’t remember ever in my life feeling the way I did at that moment. I can’t even describe it here. I can’t because I am not talented enough to find the words to express how I felt. I was lied to by RICHARD. I was left alone again. Everything in my mind changed. It won’t ever go back to how it was. This was more than the vacation from hell it was an eye opener for me.

The plan all along was this trip being an affirmation of my place in Richard’s life. I thought after L had her first meltdown all of that changed. I had no idea the weekend would truly be an affirmation of my place in Richard’s life. So I go on and try to find the place in my head that is not lying to me. I am looking for clarity and I am looking for the courage to let go. I thought I had found it. I thought I was strong enough to release him…to ask to be released. I told him the bad outweighs the good now. Maybe it did before this trip. I don’t know for sure.

I know that he hurt me in a way I would have never expected from Richard. And it is not so much as seeing him as fallible as it is me realizing that I was so wrong.

He told me later he didn’t want to be locked up in the room with her. He felt manipulated and he felt angry. I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter now. I’m not sure what matters. I know that all around me I feel myself gathering the courage to do what I know I need to do.

I told him and he quoted me in his post that… “this past weekend showed me a lot of things…. but one thing stands out in my mind… and that is when i need – i need you. and when i want – i want you…. and when i love… it’s you that i love. and until you tell me that is bad or wrong and or you don’t want it anymore that is what i will give you.”

And that is just what he is doing. He is telling me through his words, actions and inactions that this IS bad and it IS wrong and that he doesn’t want or need it or me anymore. He told me that when he sent me outside so he could be with L, he told me that when he left me alone on the windy beach, he told me that when he made me deal with the outcome of this trip alone. He told me it was wrong and bad when he refused to be my lifeline the night I wrote my ‘deck’ post and so many other nights where I cease to exist after 5 pm. 

I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t know how to feel or how to make the numbness go away. There is good here somewhere. Where is it? Where has it gone? I’ve never felt further away from my him, He held me afterwards and told me that he feels me slipping away.Please don’t slip away he whispered.

What? I’m not slipping away. I’m right here. I’m here. You are throwing me away, giving pieces of me (of us) away as if they mean nothing at all. You are allowing L to define what it is I need and what it is you give me…you are not who I thought you were. Are you? How can you change the rules after a year? My submission is what you’ve made it. You demand it ALL…you take it all and expect nothing short of complete submission beneath your hands. You have made me yours…as much through your kisses as through your cane. My silly love…how do you expect me to continue to submit to you without both on my skin?

‘Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul’
~Judy Garland

41 thoughts on “kisses and truths

  1. Hi Miss Pixie,
    I’m a long time reader that has decided to come out of lurking. 🙂

    I can’t even imagine how hard this must be.
    I would’ve packed up and gone home at that point! Yikes.
    I think, and this is just a humble opinion coming from an observer, that maybe it is time to let go. For some reason I get the feeling you know this in your heart as well.
    Again, just an observation….I hate to see all of you hurting so. I hope everything turns out for the best.

    *hugs*
    trouble

  2. Pixie,

    I’m so sorry what an awful trip! One does wonder why you hold on so tight to Richard when you’er getting so much pain in return? I’m sure a question you ask yourself over and over again which only you can answer…

    Though I feel its unfair of L not to want Richard to kiss you at this late date I do understand where L coming from even if I don’t know the exact reason for it..That must come from L herself…

    Pixie I do hope it works out for the three of you..but like a reader before me said: how can it work out when it started out with so much duplicity?

    And if Richard didn’t want to be locked up in the room with L he could have gently gotten around it.. I’m sorry that just how I feel on that..

    I will keep you in my prayers tonight pixie hoping no matter what you choose that you will be happy…

    Many Hugs
    His fawn

  3. Sigh. Alas, I once read this blog as confirmation that the improbable was, in fact, possible. You and your relationship stood as evidence against the common assumption that love is jealous. And yet, perhaps the more obvious conclusion is the accurate one. Maybe monogamy isn’t some kind of conservative limitation but a fundamental aspect of the human condition. After all, some animals mate for life, and others seem, well, sluttier (and I say that w/o judgement).

    I feel the love, the pain, the disillusionment keenly. You write well, and you’re a better analyst than perhaps you even imagine. And yet here you are, wounded by the unthinkable.

    My hope is that there hasn’t been too much damage done. My hope is that you will find someone you care about and with whom you can share a life without the complications of other partners. You deserve that. We all do. It was a a reasonable experiment, and you should never fault yourself for trying it. Still, the result stings.

    I wish you all the best. Heal quickly, and don’t be afraid to love again.

  4. I can understand why Richard said he felt angry and manipulated. He was manipulated. He allowed that to happen knowing you would feel pain. Knowing it would hurt you.
    It was a message to you from L, wasn’t it? Just as her demanding and Richard allowing her to dictate how he dominates you.
    This is what you meant by sabotage.
    At least when Richard turns his head and looks back he won’t have to ask himself why you flew away.
    Submission should build you up. Make you stronger. Not weaken and demean you.
    I can’t imagine how you must have felt that day. I can’t imagine how you felt as you dealt with is all later. This is why you came unglued (as R put it) when you left for your business trip. No wonder.
    Poor judgment Richard. All around poor judgement.
    I am sorry pixie. I hope you find a Dom worthy of you and the complete submission you offer. In my mind what you have and what you offer is ‘overkill’ for Richard. Are you even what he needs? Your needs aren’t being met. Duh. His are smaller now. Much smaller.

    Good luck pixie-pie.

  5. *shakes head softly* i read this pixie and could not believe you had been treated so coldly again.
    he isn’t going to kiss you anymore? he actually agreed to that? and told you?
    that would be a devestating blow for someone (esp. a sub) even without the desertion/abandonment issues you have.

    it just about changes everything, doesn’t it?
    and damn girl…you can write. 🙂

  6. And now there are no kisses…..what does L have in store for you next?

    It was Richard who said that you need to trust him as he knows what is good for you. Do you still believe that? As it seems like it is now L who is deciding what is good for you and what is not, not Richard.

    I think that you do know what to do Pixie, whether that means you hang on or whether you let go. Deep down if you want to stay or go.

    I wish you the best Pixie, whatever you decide.

    P.S. I would really love to hear Richard’s side of the story regarding the no kissing thing…is he going to lie to L and still kiss you? or do as L says and not kiss you anymore?

    Either way, he is falling on his sword in my opinion.

  7. Oh my god…this is painful to read pixie, it horrible to hear and i have no idea how awful it must be to live it.

    Honestly, it dosent really sound like your situation can improve, im sure you can all carry on pretending but please cut all that out, dont drag this out for months.
    As a readers ofcourse we dont see the full picture but we do have an outside perspective, and this has been something of train wreak.

    Maybe he cant have his cake and eat it. Can you really imagine never kissing him again?

  8. God..and does he even have the right to ask it of her poppy? If I were pixie ( 🙂 ) it would be bother me most that it is something HE can give up. I’d never want him to kiss me again, it would feel fake and it would feel like he was just doing it for her.

    Isn’t it funny how when we only see a man through pixies eyes it is so jaded.

  9. I don’t know what to say other than to offer hugs to both of you. I think this was the most painful post to read (and I’ve been reading for quite some time).

    Blush

  10. I am so sorry pixie. People let you down but when your Dom lets you down it is doubly hard and three times as heartbreaking. I do think he is doing his best to juggle you both. Just remember you aren’t the one he goes home with and has to live with.

    He is setting a precedent. So are you if you stay past today.
    It’s never going to be easy pixie.

  11. Pixie,

    I have been reading your blog for sometime and have never commented. But this post brought me to tears.

    To refuse to kiss you. Words cannot describe how heartbreaking that must be. I don’t know a man who would do such a thing to a woman he loves so fervently.

    I am thinking of you xxx

  12. Obviously, L asking Richard not to kiss you is so disappointing, just shy of Richard agreeing not to kiss you. How can you even do what you do together without kissing occasionally?

    At the same time, what a miscalculation on L.’s part. To think that she could negate the emotional connection between you and her husband by forbidding this one small act after all of this time is ridiculous.

    You are in my thoughts, pixie dear.

    Kitten

  13. Pixie,

    I am sorry.

    R says L manipulated him, you talk of L sabotaging. WOW L sounds horrible?! Sorry but you both are putting L in the position of fighting for her position. You & R secretly had an affair, it came out to L, she is trying to find her position.

    You understood the weekend to be about your submission to R, and now you say it turned into all about L and comforting her. The weekend should have been about uniting the 3 of you but in the end you two are still competing against one another. You both feel your position is not respected by the other. I agree if R didn’t want to be in that room, he wouldn’t have gone there.

    As far as no more kissing. I think L feels so betrayed, goodness her husband has been carrying on for months behind her back and he still didn’t come clean. You know if R & L had started on this journey together, to find someone to add to their relationship, things might be alot different. You & R fell in love, and then brought L into it. Dynamics aren’t as easy.

    You mentioned before about associating guilt with love. WOW have you got yourself the prime situation for that. Break that cycle, only you can do it.

    Pixie, you really have to ask yourself “Why do I stay?” Sure you love R, many have loved someone and walked away to safe their self, when will it be your time? Do you stay for fear of ending it when deep down you know it’s just going to get worse? How much more will you endure for the sake of loving a man limited hours a week?

  14. im really afraid you wont leave him. even if you did, things would never be the same Between L and Richard, i doubt she’d be happy after all that betrail and Richard has fallen in love with you…Maybe you should all just give each other space to work it out, not try to presure each other into accepting things.

    i duno, im watching from behind my hands to scared to look whats going to come.

  15. it seems to me that the ideal situation for keeping your relationship alive would have been that richard teach you to feel your submission through serving his marriage… that he would train you to feel satisfied by how truly submissive you can be when you are not the first priority. to feel your “place” as a submissive who is there to serve in whatever way your master commands, not just in the ways that you enjoy (the sexuality, the pain and punishment and spankings).

    but it’s impossible to get to that place by yourself… he’s got to train you to trust him and to let go so much that you know you will be considered and cared for even if you are set aside while he enjoys time with his wife. he would have had to train you not to expect to be treated equally.

    pixie, when i read your blog i really feel for L. i know that in many ways she seems like the source of your hurt, but her husband committed his life to her, and suddenly you’re there– younger and firmer, adorable and in possession of her husband’s heart. how would you feel if you found out he was also seeing a 22-year-old? i think it’s amazing that she’s tried to make room for you in her life, and understandable that it’s not coming easily to her.

    like someone else said, i think the key would have been to really establish how your roles are different, so you wouldn’t have to compete. but if richard loves you in the same way that he loves her (with the kind of love that one has for a soulmate and life partner), then it’s impossible to remove the competition. in an ideal world, you would be no threat to L, because he would love her more and she would know it and you would be happy with it… and he would love you in a different way, and he would still get to kiss you and express that love in all of its beautiful ways.

    i can imagine how painful this is. i hope that you feel empowered to make the right choices for you.

  16. *sighs…* I feel so sad about this…not just for you pixie, but for L and Richard too. What a mess this is emotionally for all of you.

    I feel you are right to be disappointed at Richard lying to L. Those lies would surely lead to L setting boundaries that would change the nature of your relationship with him. She’d be left no choice. You are being left no choice.

    He really has few choices also…except his are the pivotal ones really.

    You see, I’m in his position most of the time. Which is really why I’ve got some insight in to what’s necessary to make this work.

    He’s the one who must find the strength to decide how he’ll define these two relationships. He cannot allow L to define his love for you. That’s an unholy vow. He cannot allow you to define his love for L either. And that’s said with the D/s stuff all aside. The D/s is just a further complication….and its not the bottom line here in this…though it seems like it is to you. This is relationship stuff, not D/s stuff. The D/s only makes it more painful for you personally. And that only is not meant to diminish your very real and deep feelings. Not by any means. I can understand personally just how profound it is to be so hurt.

    I have been in your shoes.

    Love cannot be shoved into a box. It always harms the love. Love must be allowed to grow and find its natural flow and its natural state of beauty.

    If Richard wants to love both of you in any healthy way, he must find the strength to make you both understand that. And there needs to be a firm decision about the mixing of your time together for a long time to come. He must always be the one to prevent there being any opportunity for this rivalry. Not because he’s the Dom…but because he’s the pivot in the triad. The Dom stuff is just all beside the point. That’s the inside of the Us that exists between you and Richard and has nothing to do with L and Richard…just as the inside of the Us that exists between he and L is theirs alone. He must keep these separate until both you and L can be safe in the same room together no matter what happens. That’s the reality. And this reality has to be cemented before there can ever really exist an inside of the three of Us.

    This is the bottom line inviolate law of polyamory…and that’s not the only one…

    And he must not let either of you define his relationship with the other…because it will harm the love between him and each of you. I mean that ‘and each of you’ literally. Harming the love he feels is harming him and harming Love. He’s a whole person. He loves. His heart is one entity. It cannot be divided like this, with you each chopping him up like he’s a thing. One love flows into another. Both of you must understand this. It is why he cannot choose between you and why it hurts him so when he feels forced to do so in order to keep either of you.

    Richard needs to make L understand this. There’s not just her need to have some things be hers…there’s also understanding this point…and also to understand how her demands impacts him, her and the three of you. And for this to work that has to matter to her just as much as her own tender feelings matter. If he can see that it just will never happen that she will find it in herself to make the All and important as her own feelings, then he should never again try to make an inside of the three of Us. Its that simple. He must be fearlessly honest about this point and never let himself be rooked into putting the two of you together again in any intimate setting. Ever.

    As for the kissing? Kissing is an intimacy. It is an expression of love. Limiting that expression is the same as saying, ‘you aren’t allowed to tell her you love her’. It just should not be on an ownership list for L. It is the same as saying not to put his cock in you or to spank you. It is a part of the intimacy between you in a long standing, established relationship. Saying her relationship with him has to always take precedence is to ignore the future. It must become way more equal in all your minds if its to be a triad. If you are to always remain his mistress, then that’s another sort of relationship with other kinds of boundaries. And still, she’s no right to dictate him expressing love to you at this late date. Had he never kissed you before, this would be right to ask for now…but he has. To let L take that away from your relationship now is an unholy vow.

    An appropriate ownership of an activity would be to say that he would never take you to a certain place that’s just theirs or to dance to a certain song together that’s theirs or to do a specific sexual position with you that’s a favorite of his and L’s.

    The bottom line is, this is not a protection of her relationship with him to not allow kissing between you…it is simply a gesture of jealousy and hurt. Pandering to that emotion will do harm. Its that simple.

    I know this is a bossy comment to leave you. I’m sorry for that. It seems that you’ve valued my remarks in the past, and it seems that blunt is called for. If its not welcome, I trust you both to use that delete button and I will not be offended.

    I think that this can be salvaged if you all want it to be…but it is mostly up to Richard to create the atmosphere to make it possible. He will have to make amends to you both in this. He will have to earn trust back with you both. It will not be easy. He’s got some ass kissing to do. Dom or not. TPE or not, there are some things that a Dom is responsible for and when he falls off the pedestal, he’s got to find a way to make amends. He’s no different than any other man who screws up with a woman in this moment.

    I think that is where you both are scoring alot of trouble in this. It requires you both to step outside of the D/s and work on the relationship issues at hand. The D/s is not going to feel/be fully safe for you until he gets those ducks lined up.

    Hold him to that work or walk away pixie. Find the strength for that…and Richard, I hope you find the strength to make this right with them both. It will be very hard to do. I do not envy you that work, but it seems that a huge piece of your happiness depends on it, so hopefully you feel motivated to do what it takes here.

    I could say that whatever you do, best to slow things way down with the two of them being together, cause this is a powder keg…just in case you weren’t paying attention…*smiles*

    I know you are though. I can see you both are. ((hugs)) Hang in there, both of you. Sending you warm thoughts…

  17. I also feel bad for L. Does she know about this blog? If not, it feels like another way that she is being lied to. I can only imagine how it would feel to have some of my most personal secrets posted on the internet by my husband’s lover.

  18. no..she does not know about this blog.
    it is my blog. my secrets too…and she will remain unaware. i do not see it as another way she is being lied to.

  19. Pixie, despite the apparent pain in your words, the beauty of you strongly shines through. I can’t help but comment on this bright light that always surrounds you, your words, your blog. It seems you thrive on this challenge such that your search for truth and goodness, and love, makes you stronger. And maybe it is this dazzling brightness that has confused Richard and strained his eyes. Your heart will see you through this, trust your instincts, girl!
    Radha

  20. Pixie,

    I have a question? Does L Richard want to reframed from deep passionate kisses or all kinds of kissing? If I recall correctly somewhere in beginning when L found out about the two of you she asked you and Richard about kissing I believe she asked you in an email? Maybe this should have been a red flag?

    I have often wonder how L would react if she knew that Richard had brought you to their home and had sex in their bed before she knew about you because to me that’s kinda of like the kissing issue. if she doesn’t know now lets hope she never finds out…She may see that as another betrayal …which leads me to wonder if Richard doesn’t down play your importance to him with L just due the so many reactions you have posted of her behavior..And just maybe Richard down plays just how much L means to him with you…maybe its not about keeping L content and pacified..but keeping L and having you? There is a difference…Of course that’s just my view from the outside looking in..

    I find myself agreeing with mostly with the first M and persephone …not that it matters whom I agree with.

    Continue best wishes to all…
    His fawn

  21. pixie, I am glad to lend my experience….

    I wish that I could wave a wand and make it feel better to all three of you…safe feeling…and just full of love.

    Your relationship together has the potential to be amazing and deep…and long lasting. Perhaps its my own wishing that I’d had this chance with M that you are getting with Richard that keeps me so hopeful on your behalf, but it seems to me that the love is there. A willingness is there…or at least it was. It just needs more time and less rushing…and really, I think that Richard needs to take a week off from you both and do some resting, recharging and thinking. He’s running round like a chicken with his head cut off putting out fires between the two of you and not really defining things for himself and therefore guiding you both. Though he’s not the dominant in his marriage, he is still the pivot in the triad and so it does fall to him to guide this. It takes time to figure that stuff out. He seems to need a bit more time than he’s getting, because he’s getting caught in the drama of you both, instead of being decisive and firm with you both…something that’s nearly impossible to do on the run. It would take superman to stay that centered on the run for an indefinite period of time. He was bound to loose control of the situation sooner or later with two such strong women. *smiles*

    Richard has my deep admiration despite the fact that he’s screwed up with both of you. His heart is on the line. His ability to be honest has been called into question here in the comments. Perhaps he can use some spanking on that…but I suspect that he’s likely beating himself up about it a great deal and is in alot of pain about it and really doesn’t need anyone to add to his self flagellation. He’s walking a tightrope trying to keep his happiness together. He needs some down time from that, so that he is centered. I hope you’ll encourage that…

    No matter what happens between you though, my wish for all of you is joy, peace and contentment. Together or apart, that’s what I wish for you.

    Hang in there…

  22. Pixie,

    I can understand the heartbreak..I know ur situation is different but my Husband/Owner left me many years ago cos of his family commitments.I went thru the worst depression of my life but hey I survived it and so will u, whatever is the outcome of this mess.Please dont let this sadness rule ur life.Give urself something productive to do, something else to think about.Dont shut out life as I did..A few days break from Richard will be best.Then may be you will find some clarity in ur mind n heart to decide what to do..

    As far as what Richard should do, you cant make him do anything he doesnt wana do.He will do what he thinks will work out best for him,you and L.He loves both of you thats apparent.Dont fret about his decisions..let him decide n communicate it to u

    hugs n kisses,
    shonali

  23. poor pixiepie. my heart is with you for you are the one truly on your own here. like you said in more than one post you go home to no support from him. she has him to use as a sounding board.

  24. I have read you for a long time and never commented til now. My heart hurts for you and I can’t help feeling angry with the way you were treated.

    Be strong and think clearly….wishing you what you deserve; which is better than what you are going through now.

  25. The reality is he pulls away and allows himself to be locked in the room with L because she is his wife and he has loved her for years and he still loves her. There is no guidebook for this experience. Don’t get me wrong, i’d wish for it only to be pixie and Richard but it isn’t. 😦 Ultimately you, pixie, have to decide if you can wait around to see if it can work out. To see if she can really accept the truth of your relationship with R. If he can tell her the complete truth at all. It’s a decision I don’t envy you. It could work out for all three but it might not, there is no way to know. Thinking about you.

  26. As so many others who have commented on this post I’m a long time reader who couldn’t stop myself this time. I had to write something. (Pardon spelling and others mistakes, english isn’t my first language.)
    This will be a long comment and I hope I’m not to forward. I certainly don’t want to add to the burden.
    Though I’m hundreds of miles and an ocean away your blog always toch me very deeply, this winter partly because I found myself in i situationen similar to yours.
    Many times when I read your blog pixie I get very sad. Sometimes it makes me cry, this post did.
    I won’t say that what the three of you have cannot not work. No one but yourselves can know that. But I think you still have a lot of work to do on top of everything already done. Poly is always extremely diffucult and D/s doesn’t make it easier. (Though sometime I believe it isn’t possible to have several equal relationships and therefore perhaps unequal ones would be the best.)
    The most important thing in any relationship is communication. When you complicate the relationship with for exampel D/s or poly even more so. I would say that the absolut worst limitation that now is on your relationship with Richard is that you can’t talk to him as often and as much as you need. You should be able to call at absolutly any time (without perhaps during meetings, while in an airplane and other times when it’s virtually impossible). And I think you should be able to talk to L whenever you like as well. If you wake up at three in the night and realize something you need to tell Richard you shouldn’t wait ’til morning because by then you might have forgotten the exact feeling or perhaps you gone over it to many times in your head so for one reason or another you don’t want to tell him any more.
    Communication between a sub and her/his owner should be as direct as possible. Both of you need that. If Richard is to make the best decisions he needs all the facts, he needs you to tell him everything. When the communication is as limited as yours is (yes, I now that we don’t see the whole picture here in your blog so I guess that you actually do talk quite a lot and also exchange a lot of emails and tm’s as well) you’re not able to give him all the information he should have. And he doesn’t have the time to give you all the reassurance you need.

    And a few words for Richard. As I said, I’m fully aware that there is a lot going on that never enters this blog. But since I’m no pshycic I base my opinions on what I read.
    To me it seems like you’ve fallen i the classic trap of looking at pixie like a convenience. She is your cute wonderful pet when you want to play or cuddle but when you grow tired you push her out on the lawn to play for herself.
    I don’t say that it isn’t possible for a D/s-relationship to work that way. It might be. But as I’ve gathered it’s not how your relationship have worked before. It seems to me that pixie isn’t that sort of sub. I think she can fully handle not to be your number one priority, but as many dogs can’t handle being left alone outside so can’t pixie handle to be left by herself when she’s not in a happy place.
    You can’t shelve a sub. Owning a sub is a 24/7 responsibilty (unless you have some other agreement). Pixie doesn’t stop being submissive just because you feel it’s inconvenient. And from what I’ve read earlier in this blog you are fully aware of that. You know fully well that you need to be in pixies mind even when she is by herself. That she needs to feel safe and taken care of even when you are not around. She needs to be able to trust you 100% at any time not to do anything that would harm her and thar every decision you make is the best.
    I know that doms aren’t perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. But as a sub, you need to trust that your dom does his/her best. That mistakes are just that, mistakes. Things that happened involuntarily and that the dom will do his/her best never to repeat again.
    To me it seems like you’re repeating mistakes. I understand that is extremely difficult for you to handle this. I would beg you for all your sakes to consider what I wrote about communication. All three of you should talk as much as possible to each other if you want this to work. And although the decisions are yours to make you should talk them through with both pixie and L beforehand. It isn’t fair to neither of them to just be presented with the facts without the opportunity to express their feelings on the matter.

  27. Richard says he is not giving either one of you up for the other. Isn’t that just what he did.

    You must be in so much pain.

  28. i’m curious…i keep hearing people talk about “poly” but i was under the impression that a “poly” relationship involved a couple either falling together for another person and adding them into the relationship or one person introducing a third into a relationship in which that’s already been discussed and accepted. It seems to me, in my humble opinion, that R has done neither. He has chosen a double life and set each independent relationship so their only choice is to either accept sharing him or give him up. i fail to see the poly in that. It sounds to me like pure selfish manipulation…

    fown

  29. Pixie,
    It seems so trite for me to be writing any sort of comment in light of all these whirlwinds in your lives… but i could not withhold any acknowledgement of the heartache and confusion you must be experiencing. We have come to know you, this situation, the complicated inter-laced dynamics through text; but we don’t know the whole story. i found immense wisdom (and listened myself, too) in Greenwoman2007. Wow. Talk about perspective. i feel stunned by the drastic contrasts between the week that i’ve just caught up with the dramatic vacation and all these comments.

    [Special note to Caliban from me: thank you for that comment]

    In the end, you will have to decide if you want to continue accepting this sort of treatment. While i refuse to show any hint of bias, i also don’t know if i could ever imagine myself in a situation like this. It must hurt… every damn day you wake up, L wakes up, R wakes up… to be met with this tug of emotional war. i really don’t know how you do it.

    i cannot lecture, given my situation and similar circumstances, but i will throw my arms around you in a protective hug and hope for you to make the best decision for yourself. While you are owned and controlled by another, it is up to you to control the direction of your life. You just have to figure out where you want to go and adjust from there.

    (on a personal level, i know that at some point, i will blow out my own candle and dismiss the idea of being the one who always makes things better for others while accepting little in return; and one day, i will go in a new direction carrying an eternal fondness and adoration for my first elemental Owner. For now, i’m not ready so i know what you mean)

    I hope for you.
    Kisses anyways–
    toy

  30. I agree alot with what fown said.

    It would seem L is not one of a poly heart, deep down I don’t think pixie is either.

    R & pixie came together under D/s, some training for pixie. She knew he was married, she knew he’d never leave his wife. R decides to tell L, he says he is not giving up pixie. What is L to do? She stays, she tries to learn, understand, did R lead her to believe that D/s was all that pixie and him was about? That his need for her was to just satisfy that dark side of him?

    Greenwoman does give alot of perspective on poly but when you speak of

    “To let L take that away from your relationship now is an unholy vow.”

    Did R not break a holy vow with L to begin with? How is L to respect that vow when pixie never respected the one she had with R? L is still dealing with the betrayal, it would seem what R & pixie share was downplayed to her. It blew up in everyone’s face.

    fown made good points of him living a double life and those worlds collided.

    pixie, have you not posted here in the past about not wanting L involved with you & R? Some resentment? That you have been reluctant to be poly as well? That you do it for your Owner? Do you think that maybe if you can sense some ambiguity from L, that she might be sensing that from you? Thus feeling threatened?

    Honestly, I think poly relationships can be wonderful, but the foundation for it so important. The foundation for this one is not good. It was built on lies, betrayal and untruths.

    After you move on pixie, have you thought of the world that is left behind? L will never trust R. This is a mess you all created. I doubt L & R’s marriage will ever go back to being good, because that foundation (which was cracked by R’s affairs) has a very long repair ahead, if it can be repaired at all.

  31. Greenwoman, your comment was excellent, and i think the wisdom within it was seen by everyone who reads pixie’s journey.

  32. Excuse me, Me – but Richard created the mess, not Pixie, when he decided to tell L. He created the mess when he broke his vows. Don’t blame it all on Pixie. She didn’t sign on for this part of the ride when Richard decided to tell L.

    Have you been there, Me, experienced what they are going through? I have. And trust me, the only decision Pixie gets to make in this situation is whether or not she intends to stick it out for as long as it lasts.

    Pixie, my heart aches for you.

    ~January~

  33. Toy directed me to your blog as she and I are friends. I went through a similar situation. I had an owner who was married. I don’t know how your situation began but with mine, I was undisclosed and he kept me at arms length. Over time, he said he fell in love with me but as his slave. But, there was no way he could disclose me to his wife because he felt she would never accept it and their marriage would end. Yet, he is an extreme sadist. So, what he had done was to express this aspect of himself “on the side” through little experiences here and there. He had one affair before the one he had with me. This affair was about choosing between his wife and the new woman. The affair ended horribly for my former owner.

    Enter me. I had never been in a situation like that before. I thought people who cheated were weak and those who cheated with them were weak too. Now I feel differently. I understand that many situations involve multiple aspects of our nature that are simply not met by one person. Dealing this with truth and honesty is very very difficult in a culture that is geared toward monogamy. We have to first be honest with ourselves. Even poly–truly poly–situations are not easy and totally upfront. One couple might have a rule of no falling in love with new partners. Well, you know what? People fall in love despite rules. Happened to a poly friend of mine.

    My situation was a beautiful lesson in love. I loved T for exactly who he was–a man who liked other women–who wasn’t monogamous–and who like to hurt some women of which that was my place. He also loved his wife and I came to accept that and that I served a role of taking a place she couldn’t take. Therefore, I felt that I served them both–not coming between them but meeting a need he had. So, I trusted him to safeguard my feelings. I knew that I would never live with him but would learn about my submissive side from him. We talked about him finding me another Dom eventually. But he had hard time letting me go and I didn’t want to be let go. Maybe, eventually, he might have found me a Dom had things been different. What happened, as things started heating up between us, was that he found another submissive to build a relationship with, to bring into our dynamic as a torture device for me.

    We had an emotional Sadism/masochism relationship.

    Well, what ended up happening was that the new situation overloaded my former owner. His marriage got impacted and his family. And his job. He dumped the entire situation and won’t talk to me, won’t be my friend as he always promised he would. He turned me into his slave, transformed me and abandoned me. It didn’t happen because of his wife but because of other girls, too much stuff, and a terrible ending that he ran away from. I was always geared up for trouble with his wife and was always ready to give him time for HER, not another girl to console.

    So, when I read your situation, I have a multitude of feelings. I understand how it is when you meet your first Dom and the bond that entails. I understand being the D/s one while the wife is the (rightly) the most important. I understand being left in the cold when meetings go haywire (except in my case, it was because of a second sub that he needed to console while I needed to be “the strong one”). But you are living a dream that I had. She knows about you AND is trying to accept you. There is hope here for you–well, a hope that I had but albeit in your situation ;). I never wanted to intrude on T’s marriage because I loved HIM and what HE needed. I only needed to know that my feelings mattered too.

    In the end, I’m not sure my feelings did. But I’m also not sure they didn’t. I’m still traumatized over how things ended given he won’t talk to me. In many ways I’m worse than I was when things ended. I always held out hope we’d talk through the misunderstandings. He gave me one day and one night to do just that but I didn’t know he was doing that. I didn’t know “this is it.” It wasn’t enough. My head was spinning. I needed time to think and get back to him. I needed a couple/few months. He won’t allow that and he never told me he was going to end our friendship. I got totally abandoned with numerous questions and a feeling of being totally disposable. Perhaps there is hope elsewhere but I don’t know. One therapist implied he could be a sociopath and another mentioned narcissism. I somehow don’t think so. I think things blew up and I am left to sort it out. But I can’t and fear therapy won’t help me.

    But, with you, I do see fertile ground if this situation is something that can be given room to breathe. Maybe, it won’t work out. Maybe, it will. But I do see love between R and you and between L and R and between R and L. I do think L must come first. But, I fully understand that cold back when everyone sleeps together–I got when T slept with me and the new submissive. I cried and decided to leave at 4 am but he made me stay and hugged me. And the cold back happened on other nites too.

    But R is reading and contributing to your blog. So, there is communication. R has to be the adult here. He needs to know that you are looking up to him. He needs to accept that he’s disappointing you and to not walk away even if you look at him in disgust. I hope my situation somehow shows him what NOT to do.

    Do you want a man all to yourself? Or, to you want to be owned and love someone for who they are, even is that includes other women or a wife? Either way, you are young. This will be ok for you, I believe. I think, however this ends, it will end ok. I do!

    And, you know what? Maybe my immediate future will end up ok too.

    Watch “Away from Her” which is a movie about unconditional love. It helped reaffirm the kind of love I value. Might not be your cup of tea but it speaks to this situation a bit I think.

    And THANK YOU for a window into your world! This has really helped me. Thanks toy, for pointing me here. I’ve been staying away from blogs because they hurt so much given I don’t have this and I stopped believing in “love” and “D/s” and “M/s” and all the lies and all the promises. But…I’ve learned so much from two blogs (slut on display too) in just 4 days!

    Big e-hugs to you and R. And L.

    Good luck in NYC if you guys take a trip here cuz it’s hot here (though I think one-on-one time is in order now. I also think R needs a breather)!!!

  34. sorry January, she is also responsible. She knew he was married. She is responsible for her own actions. To blame another is wrong. D/s or not, she knew PERIOD. She has a part in this as well as Richard, as well as L. I do feel for pixie. Yes Richard decided to tell L about pixie, but all along pixie knew what the score was. For that I do not feel sorry for. How can L respect pixie’s position when she didn’t respect that of L’s? Doesn’t matter that L didn’t know of pixie, pixie knew, and Richard chose that path but pixie consented. She didn’t want a mess she could have chose to not become involved then.

    As for me being in that position. Not exactly but similar circumstances, I chose my destiny. I take responsibility for my actions. No one’s fault but my own as the path I chose. To put all the blame on Richard I think to be wrong. She is an adult and knew of his situation. L is the only one brought into this blind-sided.

    I am not against a poly relationship, but to have that you need honesty and a good foundation. None of which is what this is based on.

    just my opinion, no one has to agree with me. I won’t argue with another commentator on pixie’s blog. Anger towards me just says some of my view points have hit home.

    As I said previously in a comment, fantasy sometimes eludes reality.

  35. me,
    (sorry pix but you never defend yourself)

    pixie did not force Rs hand, she did not force him to be unfaithful to L. Remember he had Ms. Anna before pixie! R has a history of this. Not that that bad it just shows you he has a need that was not fulfilled at home.

    pixie i am sorry you are hurting. i am not sure i coule forgive my Owner/Master for allowing anyone even a spouse to limit what he does to me in private.

    Where are your balls R?

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