How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said. ~Victor Hugo
We’ve all managed to keep our sense of humor. I don’t know how…maybe because we are all well aware of not only the shortness of life but how precious it truly is. Richard jokingly warned my readers that the worse part of the weekend had yet to be revealed. I was surprised he mentioned it at all since a lot of what I’ve written reflects poorly on him. He told me last night that he never promised me that he was perfect. He even reminded me that every time I would tell him he was in fact perfect he would remind me of the reasons why he was not.
He said he never asked to be placed on a pedestal. I disagreed. I told him he did that to himself every time he touched me, every time he made me kneel and look up at him, every time he made me beg…every time he held an orgasm just out of my reach until they could only ever be his. He only shook his head as if he didn’t quite know what to say. He held me a little closer and told me he loved me…he said he loved me from the first day he saw me. “I know.” I said even though I knew that wasn’t true. Truth was he tried very hard and for a long time not to love me.
L told me he had once told her that loving me and allowing me to love him was a mistake. She also told me that Richard had agreed to make a brave attempt at removing the emotional side of our relationship….to focus more on the D/s and less on the two way affection that flows between us. I knew even as she was speaking that wouldn’t happen. It hit me how much he had to hold back to pacify her…it made me wonder why he told her the truth at all?
This was after she cornered me at the beach. After I was put in the position of lying to her and acknowledging Richard was still lying to her about me. In my mind and I tried to explain this to them both that lying about what we share goes against what we are trying to build. And like one reader said if Richard lies so easily to L what makes me think he wouldn’t lie to me as well? I felt nauseous. I felt as if a lot of the pain was in vain when there were still secrets especially when the secrets were about me and what he gives me.
Until our beach trip unless I had the black and white indisputable evidence in front of me I would never think Richard capable of lying to me. One reason I need someone like Richard in my life is because he gives me an example of what to strive for…he is good and brave and kind and everything in between, And yes he is fallible but even the most fallible of men are driven to be honest by some goodness inside of them. Right? What is a Dominant if they don’t bring out the best in you…expect the best from you and show you their best. To me and correct me if I am way off that is a primary role of a Dominant.
Richard lied to me at the beach. Maybe he did it so I wouldn’t be hurt or maybe he did it so he wouldn’t have to justify breaking one of his rules..or maybe he thought if I knew the truth I would think him weak. It was decided before we went to the beach that we wouldn’t have any sex. None of us. Richard sincerely promised to leave his pants on. And while we all laughed at the time he said it we all knew we weren’t any where close to being ready for that. L may never be…I may never be.
So let me set the stage. It is the morning after Richard’s disappearance. I am feeling abandoned and sad. I was left outside on the balcony for close to an hour hearing little moaning noises compliments of L through the door. I was in a horrible state of mind. Early that morning Richard asked me if I wouldn’t mind giving him some time alone with L that morning. Apparently she was also in a horrible state of mind. And me being the submissive, the dispensable one, the strong one as R put it should understand that she needed some time with him. “Sure” I said. I was already numb so what did it matter? We ended up at the beach and I took my chair and towel and moved down the beach from them. I read and listened to my ipod…and people watched for almost an hour. I then took the longest walk on the beach EVER before coming back to my chair and sunbathing for another undetermined length of time. I avoided looking at them. I didn’t know what they were doing and by now I didn’t care. I think this is where I finally started to see the inevitability of me having to be the strong one and walking out of this relationship. Never before (or so I thought) had my feelings, had my mental health, my emotions been so disregarded. I felt …well, there are really no good words to explain how I felt. Lost and alone and forgotten are all a start. I started to resign myself. Prepare myself even subconsciously for what I knew I would have to do just to survive this relationship.
Richard walked to me and knelt by my chair. He said they were going to walk on the beach. I asked him if he was really leaving? I said I had left them alone…why were they now leaving? He said again they were going walking and he asked me where I would be. I said I guessed I would be here at the beach. I rolled over and watched the ocean and paralleled it to my feelings for Richard. I imagined myself as the coastline and Richard the water…I watched as it covered and flooded the coastline but always, always pulled away but also always taking a little of the coast out to sea. I thought of us like that. I realized how insignificant my feelings were to him compared to keeping L pacified and content. I felt like an outsider…and I suppose I was. I am.
The beach grew cold. The wind picked up and all I had was my suit…a damp towel and three empty beach chairs. I walked up to our rooms and my key wouldn’t work. My first thought was frustration because we were in this huge resort and it would have taken me a day to walk across to get my key fixed. So I resigned myself to going back to the beach to wait for L and Richard to come back. I tried my key one more time before turning to leave. A housekeeper asked me if I needed help. I told her my key wasn’t working.
“Oh honey.” she said “Your parents went inside awhile ago. They must have the latch on that is why your key won’t work.”
I don’t think I answered her. I just turned around and walked away. I realized what was going on behind the door. I realized what that meant. And what it took from me. I don’t remember ever in my life feeling the way I did at that moment. I can’t even describe it here. I can’t because I am not talented enough to find the words to express how I felt. I was lied to by RICHARD. I was left alone again. Everything in my mind changed. It won’t ever go back to how it was. This was more than the vacation from hell it was an eye opener for me.
The plan all along was this trip being an affirmation of my place in Richard’s life. I thought after L had her first meltdown all of that changed. I had no idea the weekend would truly be an affirmation of my place in Richard’s life. So I go on and try to find the place in my head that is not lying to me. I am looking for clarity and I am looking for the courage to let go. I thought I had found it. I thought I was strong enough to release him…to ask to be released. I told him the bad outweighs the good now. Maybe it did before this trip. I don’t know for sure.
I know that he hurt me in a way I would have never expected from Richard. And it is not so much as seeing him as fallible as it is me realizing that I was so wrong.
He told me later he didn’t want to be locked up in the room with her. He felt manipulated and he felt angry. I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter now. I’m not sure what matters. I know that all around me I feel myself gathering the courage to do what I know I need to do.
I told him and he quoted me in his post that… “this past weekend showed me a lot of things…. but one thing stands out in my mind… and that is when i need – i need you. and when i want – i want you…. and when i love… it’s you that i love. and until you tell me that is bad or wrong and or you don’t want it anymore that is what i will give you.”
And that is just what he is doing. He is telling me through his words, actions and inactions that this IS bad and it IS wrong and that he doesn’t want or need it or me anymore. He told me that when he sent me outside so he could be with L, he told me that when he left me alone on the windy beach, he told me that when he made me deal with the outcome of this trip alone. He told me it was wrong and bad when he refused to be my lifeline the night I wrote my ‘deck’ post and so many other nights where I cease to exist after 5 pm.
I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t know how to feel or how to make the numbness go away. There is good here somewhere. Where is it? Where has it gone? I’ve never felt further away from my him, He held me afterwards and told me that he feels me slipping away.Please don’t slip away he whispered.
What? I’m not slipping away. I’m right here. I’m here. You are throwing me away, giving pieces of me (of us) away as if they mean nothing at all. You are allowing L to define what it is I need and what it is you give me…you are not who I thought you were. Are you? How can you change the rules after a year? My submission is what you’ve made it. You demand it ALL…you take it all and expect nothing short of complete submission beneath your hands. You have made me yours…as much through your kisses as through your cane. My silly love…how do you expect me to continue to submit to you without both on my skin?
‘Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul’