for the record…

for the record…i just tell my story. i just say how i feel. i am not and i have not ever asked any one to feel sorry for me. i appreciate all of the support but do not see that as pity…so please the argument that i knew what i was getting into and should not be pitied is moot. whoever really knows what they are getting into?

i dont even feel sorry for myself. yes, i knew R was married. i maintain that i served him better before disclosure. i trusted him more and he needed me more.

now..well i’m not so sure. there is a lot of sadness where i was once happy and a lot of negativity on top of my submission that i never felt before.

i do feel responsible for Ls pain. i also feel as if she has made a choice though to work through this and salvage her marriage. someone said Rs marriage will never be as strong as what it was before. i disagree. if he hadnt of told her it would have ended as relationships often do when one person is unhappy and not being true to himself. i feel as if it is their responsibility to keep that on track…not mine.

i dont know where i am going. i dont even know about tomorrow. i know i have written the letter to R asking to be released four times with as many versions and it sits now in my draft email.

i dont know. i know i dont feel as if my submission is good anymore. i dont think i can be what R needs anymore. something has broken there and i have been put in the position of repairing it alone. i cant do that and it seems as if everytime there is the slightest crack i fix it alone or deal with it alone because he is unavailable to me.

i need my submission to feel good again and not as if it is a burden to both myself and to R and L.

i am ready to give up for surely the hours of pain and sadness are not erased by the few hours of face to face time i get from R. and now that time is not our own….she has started to define it. and he has allowed it. i think that moment was the moment of truth for me so to speak…it pushed aside all of my emotions and showed me the raw underbelly of where he was…what i ultimatly meant to him. like i said…i trust him less…he needs me less. i can’t give all of myself to him like demanded and have him now a year later hand me small pieces back. i can’t do it…not for L, not for him, and not for jealously and hurt and a weak sort of compliance that i can’t understand.

i do thank everyone for all of the comments. please be patient with me as i figure this out. i am trying to put myself forward. and do what is best for me even if it causes me sorrow now…what is sorrow compared to losing all of your pride and self respect. even love can’t ask you for that. especially when the love is being narrowed.

11 thoughts on “for the record…

  1. pixie, i realize that you are not responsible for their marital problems you are but a symptom. and yes, ultimately they have to fix it. no disrespect meant, and i didn’t say you were out looking for pity. if you chose to interpret it as such, so be it.

    i never once said you forced his hand to tell L, he made that decision. i just think L took on something more than she was prepared for. the reality of actually seeing the love between you two was too much and the betrayal of it all came back again. you don’t heal quickly from those kind wounds easily, they scab over and become smaller over time and there can be an experience that can rip that scab off and that pain feels fresh and new again. i imagine that could be some of what she felt. L may have tried to accept it and go with it, but ultimately she couldn’t, no fault of hers. she is who she is. L is not completely responsible for all of this either. R has his part too.

    all in all, everyone here has a part in the downfall, not just one. no blame should be placed solely on one person, it is what it is.

    i know my comments are not popular but pixie, i do hope you find your happy corner in the world and it is filled with love and devotion from someone of your very own. mostly i hope you find peace within yourself.

  2. pixie, you are so intuitive, you know deep inside what is right and wrong…FOR YOU and for Richard. Whilst some comments here reinforce one part of your thoughts, other comments also reinforce other aspects of your thought process.

    Readers here only have a small piece of you and a small piece of Richard, whilst people can take one side, or another, or make judgement on small pieces of your life, they cannot EVER give you a comment on the WHOLE picture. Only you and Richard can make that call.

    He loves you, you love Him, there is no doubt at all about that, that is fact. Your thought procesess swing from side to side and go in circles, I know that feeling.

    Sweetness, trust yourself, and all you know to be true and have faith in that and yourself.

    Whatever the outcome, you will know you trusted and made decisions on all that you have been taught and that can only be a good thing.

    With kind, caring thoughts,


  3. Warm hugs to you Pixie. You have to take care of number one, and everything else will fall into place. No one on earth can know what a person needs, but themselves. I learned that one the hard way.

  4. “i am trying to put myself forward. and do what is best for me even if it causes me sorrow now…what is sorrow compared to losing all of your pride and self respect. even love can’t ask you for that. especially when the love is being narrowed.”

    You have an amazing sense of self.

    If I could undo any one thing over the past (now) 9 months it would be to have listened to myself and cut off communication for 2 or 3 months to my former Sir when I moved to NYC. My intuition said he wasn’t running the show and to not let him define ME.

    I had made the mistake of thinking he defined me because he created the slave he saw within. I’m not so sure now. Yes, I submitted to him, but I still had a self within. Yes, I had been emotionally enslaved but I think as a fallout from everything that happened between us, I was not enslaved anymore. Even so, I still don’t think he had defined me but had enslaved me. Big difference.

    I guess I stayed connected in a long-distance way because I trusted in what we had and that he would value me no matter what.

    The pride arguement wouldn’t have held water for me because our relationship was about giving up my pride and dignity. But it is different when it is intended, this loss, or a by product of submitting to someone who isn’t running the show anymore. You are indeed right that it can’t go anywhere positive when he is not in charge. And if you are feeling that, trust it.

    Had I stepped away emotionally, my former Sir and I might be friends now. We would never have been able to go back to being M/s but, friends would have been very good given everything we had been through and meant to each other.

    Peace to you.

  5. Pixie..

    I think what puppy said about taking a break might help you focus more clearly..

    As we your readers all know were are gettting snapshots parts of the whole picture and we comment the best we can in our support of you..I’m pretty sure the most of us don’t know you or Richard or L real time…That lead me to wondering as your thinking and rethinking what you want..
    Who would perhaps have another point of view one that knows you and Richard someone who could perhaps see a larger picture of you both to give you a more balanced view..Ms Anna came to mind I know there was some bad blood there..But you did get a very gracious comment on your blog from Her and Ms Anna’s husband…I know you have had a very deep relationship with Richard..But Ms.Anna did have an on and off relationship for years with Richard..She might have point of view that could help you make a more informed decision …. At this point one would thnk it couldn’t hurt…

    God Bless
    His fawn

  6. Pixie,

    I wish the three of you the best of luck. Life is hard and unfortunately the big decisions are just that…big. How is your health and the treatment coming along? (Don’t know if I should be this personal in asking such a question, but I just hope all is going well.)

    Take care.

  7. Good morning,
    pixie has asked me why I have not defended myself here and for her I will respond here with the same answer I gave her last night.
    First, there is much of what she has said here to which I have no defense. I am not infallible.

    Second, for those statements with which I migjht take issue, including those found in comments, my response would change no one’s mind. It would just generate another round of “but what about…” comments.

    Third, I don’t have the time right now. I am doing my best to manage thru some difficult times with pixie and L and that is where my time is going. Plus, there have been some other events in my persoanl life that are sucking up some energy right now.

    Fourth and last, the emotional work we are all putting in is draining and at the moment I really don’t feel like I owe anyone but pixie and L my time. I am only commenting now because pixie feels bad about the negative comments and my absence here- it is for her I am commenting. However, please know that I read your comments and learn from them, as I always have.

    I leave you with one defense: I love both pixie and L, I continue to try hard to manage these complex feelings and relationships, and regardless of what anyone may think, my intentions are good and I have a good heart. That is what I bring to the party. It doesn’t insure success. We continue to try and I appreciate your suppport of pixie.

  8. pixie, i have been reading your blog since april last year having found it via roper. i haven’t commented on a blog before but your last posts have been so sad. i feel for you all. i thought r was incredibly brave to tell L. that must have been so hard for him to do. i think he is in a difficult place. at the same time i cannot imagine a relationship where kissing is forbidden. that seems so cold, and manipulative on L’s part. i feel for L too. she is trying to save a marriage. you are so brave to put it all out here and i never stop learning from u. i wish you both the very best whatever you decide.

  9. And you know what, you are human toooooooooooo! If you do feel sorry for yourself from time to time, screw anyone who doesn’t like it. Hugs

  10. i think about the three of you a lot, and how difficult this all must be for all of you. There are some things about your situation that are uncomfortably close to my own, and reading your blog always brings those to the surface for me. Sometimes love can’t conquer all, no matter how much we want it to. i am very impressed with your perspective and your process and your recognition of what you need for yourself. i wish you all the best of luck and hope that happiness finds you all again, together or apart.

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