for the record…i just tell my story. i just say how i feel. i am not and i have not ever asked any one to feel sorry for me. i appreciate all of the support but do not see that as pity…so please the argument that i knew what i was getting into and should not be pitied is moot. whoever really knows what they are getting into?
i dont even feel sorry for myself. yes, i knew R was married. i maintain that i served him better before disclosure. i trusted him more and he needed me more.
now..well i’m not so sure. there is a lot of sadness where i was once happy and a lot of negativity on top of my submission that i never felt before.
i do feel responsible for Ls pain. i also feel as if she has made a choice though to work through this and salvage her marriage. someone said Rs marriage will never be as strong as what it was before. i disagree. if he hadnt of told her it would have ended as relationships often do when one person is unhappy and not being true to himself. i feel as if it is their responsibility to keep that on track…not mine.
i dont know where i am going. i dont even know about tomorrow. i know i have written the letter to R asking to be released four times with as many versions and it sits now in my draft email.
i dont know. i know i dont feel as if my submission is good anymore. i dont think i can be what R needs anymore. something has broken there and i have been put in the position of repairing it alone. i cant do that and it seems as if everytime there is the slightest crack i fix it alone or deal with it alone because he is unavailable to me.
i need my submission to feel good again and not as if it is a burden to both myself and to R and L.
i am ready to give up for surely the hours of pain and sadness are not erased by the few hours of face to face time i get from R. and now that time is not our own….she has started to define it. and he has allowed it. i think that moment was the moment of truth for me so to speak…it pushed aside all of my emotions and showed me the raw underbelly of where he was…what i ultimatly meant to him. like i said…i trust him less…he needs me less. i can’t give all of myself to him like demanded and have him now a year later hand me small pieces back. i can’t do it…not for L, not for him, and not for jealously and hurt and a weak sort of compliance that i can’t understand.
i do thank everyone for all of the comments. please be patient with me as i figure this out. i am trying to put myself forward. and do what is best for me even if it causes me sorrow now…what is sorrow compared to losing all of your pride and self respect. even love can’t ask you for that. especially when the love is being narrowed.