S/M

resolution and promises. a start.

I didn’t even shave my legs. That is how sure I was that it was over. I mean, why should I? He wasn’t going to touch me. It wasn’t as if a day’s stubble would matter. It wasn’t as if I would end up on my tummy spread eagled tied to the bed. I didn’t anticipate any of that. Like I said…I didn’t even shave my legs.

He told me later that I walked into the room with a goodbye in my pocket. I couldn’t deny it. I had never been surer it was over or less sure of myself. I realized that somewhere over the past month my submission started to feel bad.

I explained to Richard that he used my submission against me. Deliberately? Perhaps…I’m not sure. When I say he used it against me I meant that he allowed himself to neglect me and my needs in the name of my submission, my sometimes very real and immediate needs could be overlooked. All he had to do was tell me to be strong- to not give up or fall down. That was what his dominance required of me. It soured my submission and made me resent my ability to eroticize it all. I did feel neglected, manipulated.

I didn’t say goodbye to Richard last night. I kept it in my pocket and we explored another way out of the darkness that he helped create around me. It was all right there between us. All the reasons why I needed it to be over. I explained face to face why the kissing issue hurt me. He understood that. He never wanted to take that away. He hasn’t taken it away. What he has done is taken away L’s right to question him about what he does with and to me when we are alone. She will no longer be allowed to define his dominance of me. I told him that I needed him to be my Dominant all of the time. That doesn’t mean I need 24/7 contact with him. It means my submission can not be expected to rise and fall based on the current state of L’s mind. That made me feel ashamed of what I needed from him. As if the disclosure of my role in R’s life somehow took away a lot of the good stuff. He understood. He would fix it- make the changes I needed to stay in this relationship. 

R is no longer off limits to me on the weekends and the evenings. If I need him I should feel free to call or reach out to him. He trusts me to not take advantage of that. His trust will not be misused. I respect L’s right and need to have uninterrupted time with her husband. She needs that….Richard needs that. I know I am not the primary relationship in his life. But then again…maybe she isn’t either.  I have different needs than she does, different roles. No less important…no more. Richard promised me he will work on being a better Owner to me. He promises to be a better Dominant to me. I don’t need much. All I need is written above. His words and his eyes and his expressions when he is touching me are enough for me to know it is real. It shouldn’t end a moment before it has to. It doesn’t have to. Not now. Not when a word from last night turned it all around.

I told him that we wasted too much time in the drama of this whole thing. I want to keep the drama out of what he and I share. My role with him is simple. It should be. Coming away from last night I am clear headed and confident in my relationship with him. I asked him not to hurt me anymore. To remember that yes I am strong…but that I am vulnerable to being hurt too. Especially by the one I have given everything to. Everything.

When all the words were resting quietly between us and the looks and voices had softened he kissed me. He told me he loved me. He told me needed me….that I most likely would never know what I meant to him or just how he needed me. He told me today that this past year with him as been the happiest he can remember. I believe him. That stuck with me for a long long time…he said he had never been happier in his entire life. Wow.

With a shift of his eye he told me to go and put my cuffs on. I shook as I walked to the cabinet and retrieved them. He assisted me strapping them tightly to my ankles and my wrists. I remember very clearly standing in front of him. “Put your arms around me.” he said in an amazingly sensual voice. “That is what I need from you right now.” And then he kissed me. In spite of L…in spite of my own feelings about him not being honest with her he kissed me.

I happily complied resting into him allowing all the issues and drama to sink down onto the floor beneath my bare feet. It felt good, I felt good. I thought I felt him tremble. His touches are intense…his gaze melting and I can’t help but to give. He pushed me down onto the bed.

“On your stomach.” he told me. “It has been too long since I have taken what I need from you.” I wish I could remember is every word. He gently touched me….rubbing my body up and down softly. He kissed my back and my shoulders his fingers creeping between my legs as if he needed to gather up my dampness and keep it forever. He circled me there….in that softest of places…the secret place that he can find. He draws my release out of me as if my body just knows and obeys him. My mind shuts off and only my body is fully engaged in the moment when I cum for him. His hands spanked my bottom hard and then harder and harder. I was squirming and loving it. Needing it. Loving that he was taking pleasure from me.

He began to cane me with a thin whippy little cane. “Oh…” he said. “You don’t like that, do you?” He brought down on me a couple more times relishing my moans and squirms and I wanted him to put it away. Put it away put it away I screamed silently. Something harder I thought….something thuddier. He caned me again with a thicker cane. Not thick enough to thud but thick enough to be more tolerable. His hand was on the back of my head and he held my squirming body down. Every once in awhile pulling my head up by my hair telling me something or asking me something…I was wet and hot and I needed so much more. At one point his cock slid into my mouth and he held it there thrusting it in and out telling me to take it deeper like he knew I could do for him. “Good girl” he whispered.

The cane sliced across my back a few times and he paused to give me another orgasm. I wasn’t breathing and I didn’t expect the next stroke….so hard so evenly and perfectly placed across my slim back that my cry echoed in the room. He collapsed against my body and gathered me close to him… “Good girl…oh God….thank you.”

And I knew he was thanking me for taking what he needed to give me. He was thanking me for  my role in his life to the fullest and that I was there freely and that his pleasure was my own. He was thanking me for loving him and being loved by him. There was so much in that breathless whisper. So much, it told me that I would truly be part of him forever. He told me that long after we say goodbye he could guarantee a day wouldn’t pass where thoughts of me wouldn’t cross his mind.

And I didn’t even shave my legs.

14 thoughts on “resolution and promises. a start.

  1. Pixie, you wrote with such honesty and grace. Thank you for letting us in your life. Your experiences show how strong you are.

  2. Some will be happy for you two I suppose. Your readers are fickle. They will forget the sadness and despair in your words and in your voice and forget that your Owner repeatedly pushed you away and ignored you when you cried. They will get wet and ger erections from what is nothing short of psychological and possibly physical abuse. Their comments will eg him on and you will continue to lose yourself in the selfishness of his touch.

  3. Ron,

    I agree the readers of fickle..they will forget the pain.. The pain of pixie, the pain of L and the pain of Richard.. But that doesn’t matter as long as pixie, R and L remember it and learn from it and try very hard not to repeat it..I’m sure there still be ups and downs…as long as they can move past them all will be well… One wonders if each of the ladies can get past their own self importance to what the think they are to Richard and just focus on how much each of them have of him….

    Pixie
    I this is a lovely post and I hope it continues…but I think saying L and Richard isn’t the primary relationship is asking for trouble down the road..Please Please don’t think that I think you what give Richard isn’t important for some ways it’s more important … I do hope this works out for all of you.. But my heart continues to go out to L once more you have taken once another piece of her husband from her…Yes yes I know everyone will say Richard gave it to you.. And he too took a piece of her away L..

    You once said losing Richard would break you.. But did you stop to realize you’re breaking L ?? Yes Yes I know she doesn’t have to stay with Richard.. Yes Yes I know.. She said she okay with it.. But then again she has no choice does she other than to accept if she wishes to keep her husband..
    Yes we know that we don’t have the whole picture about Richards marriage to L..
    I have seen this before.. the wife is force until she can’t take anymore..and explodes all over the place.. I pray this doesn’t happen … that’s one thing you don’t need pixie is to be in the middle of that….Not with your health problems and for the most part your gentle nature…
    I know what I have said won’t be popular but someone should be playing devils advocate just to give you a different view on things..and because I do, don’t think I’m not on your side I am…

    Best wishs
    His fawn

  4. Hi his fawn,

    insightful comments as usual. i don’t think L requires an advocate though.
    i have to disagree with a point you made and yes i know it is unusual for me to jump in and defend Richard or even myself and you may think this is what i am doing.
    i do not think i took another piece of L’s husband from her. the first rule Richard made and gave to us both was to not focus on what the other was getting. when i am alone with Richard in the provacy of our little haven him kissing me or otherwise demonstrating his love for me whether it be through hurting me or nurturing me takes nothing away from her. he merely is forbidding her from asking. that is for her own protection….see, i figured that out way earlier and i never ask. i don’t want to know what goes on between them. i don’t ask, i don’t want to know and i don’t want to control it. L was. she wanted to control what R did to me when he was with me.
    i can’t submit like that. it is why i have told Richard that i won’t go to NY with them and why i am asking for a large gap of time to elapse before the three of us interact.
    give L a little more credit. she is not some sniveling weak woman who is taking all of this to please and keep her man. it isnt that way at all. she has made the best choice for herself. it isn’t easy but it isn’t always hard either.
    and yes of course i know that my very existence in R’s life hurts L. My absence however would not solve their problems. She can’t give to him what I do…she wants him to have it. He has said I complete in him what has always been incomplete. This time before drawing the line and saying no more questions…he told her when she asked that yes he did kiss me. yes he kissed me, yes he loves me.
    if I went away..his need would not. his need for me would eventually pass but his need to dominate, his need to act out his sadistic tendencies would not go away. and they shouldn’t have to.

    🙂 thanks again for commenting.

    Oh…Ron you are such an ass.

  5. Pixie..

    wiping my eyes from laughing so hard. are you saying..L is the devil….I know you must have known when I said devil’s advocated…I just meant an opposite of view..lol..I’m sorry I know you didn’t mean L’s the devil..it just made me laugh..

    I can see your point about asking but I wasn’t speaking of that I was speaking of the kiss itself..No you can’t do without it..At the same time yes the kiss does take away from L.. but no matter how I try to explain your not going to see it…so I will be quiet on that subject..

    I’m going to take Master’s advice it, he said something very old and wise..You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

    Always Best Wishes

    His fawn

  6. I’m still watching and feeling the ups and downs. And please. Someone must defend Ron. He is simply calling it as he sees it, and he should have the right to. I feel it’s important that we hear every opinion even the ones we don’t want to hear. Even if we don’t want opinions. Even if ungracious, it helps us be more gracious. Don’t you think?

    Stay strong pixie. You’re the most important one to all of us in this. Well, to me anyway. You’re an inspiration and a lovely lady.

    xxxx
    milla

  7. lol…i think pixie must know what devils advocate means. i imagine her point was L does not require you or anyone else defending her or pointing out how she must be feeling. they realize how she feels…hence the continued emotional dillemma all around.

    as many others have said…different opinions..different perceptions. to say you can lead a horse to water…etc implies your opinion is more accurate than pixies. that is hard to say considering you are not walking in her shoes and you only see what she writes. i think your opinions are overbearing and somewhat bullyish. you imply you have it all right. why don’t you lay off.

    Richard gave wise advice of his own when he refused to answer L or pixies questions about what happens when he is having private time with each of them. The problems came after trying to blend the two. L shouldnt know what he does to pixie…kissing her or pissing on her it should all be private. 🙂 His next wise move was to correct what he said/did to pixie by giving it back to her. ‘Don’t ask- don’t tell.’ Your perception hfawn is that pixies relationship as Richard’s beloved submissve does not hold as much value to him as his wife. Richard’s actions are showing us it does.

    keep your chin up pixie and smile at this new development. Owners/doms are allowed to fail. it is what they do with it and how they fix it that counts. He gave you just what you needed to restore your faith in him. I think it will take time.

    good luck.

  8. desire x

    if you have read any other of my comments to pixie you would I have seen I have never said I was right and don’t claim to be…and please don’t confuse me with other commentors, if you think I’m overbearing perhaps it hit a sore spot .. I can’t bully pixie and I wouldn’t try..if pixies wishes me not to comment all pixie need do is ask.. I never said pixie isn’t as important to Richard or is it my view .. you should re- read my first comment on thatI …Don’t put words in my mouth.. Just as I wouldn’t do it to you…Just for the record as I have said many times I’m on pixie’s side.
    PS.. I was joking about the devils advocate and L..lighten up…

    His fawn..

  9. Oh one more thing.. many comments back I called too called pixie , richards beloved submissive….and still think she is..

    His fawn

  10. I want to add only one thing this a.m. and that is to elaborate on the goodbye pixie had in her pocket. I knew it before I got there. She was clear that she wanted to see me yesterday “face-to-face”.And I was ready (ok resigned) to get it. And as we talked I did not try to talk her out of it. I told her later that I had so expected it that I even pointed out how certain things will never be right for her, that I can’t give her all she needs or deserves, and reminded her again that she does deserve it. She said later that she thought I was going to be the one to end it. She said “you led me right up to the door.”. And yes, I did, and I waited for her to open it and say goodbye. She didn’t. And I am happy again.

    And yes, Ron is entitled to his opinion and should express it here, But am I the only one who wonders why he is so angry? Angry at me, who he has never met, ostensibly on behalf of pixie, who he has also never met, and who is hurt not helped by his unkind tone. As I have said, even negative comments are helpful, but vitriol is not.

  11. i’m going to throw something out there…by “declaring” that L can’t ask what he does with pixie…isn’t R “Dominating” or taking control of L? While he might be able to keep her from asking…he can’t keep her from thinking. The fact that she has already stated the kissing bothers her may point to her having a deep distrust and maybe even insecurity about pixie’s place in their lives. By cutting off the questions it’s feels, to me, like he is trying to roll back time to when she didn’t know about pixie…put the genie back in the bottle so to speak. i am curious to see how this all turns out…thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us all pixie…

    fown

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