I didn’t even shave my legs. That is how sure I was that it was over. I mean, why should I? He wasn’t going to touch me. It wasn’t as if a day’s stubble would matter. It wasn’t as if I would end up on my tummy spread eagled tied to the bed. I didn’t anticipate any of that. Like I said…I didn’t even shave my legs.
He told me later that I walked into the room with a goodbye in my pocket. I couldn’t deny it. I had never been surer it was over or less sure of myself. I realized that somewhere over the past month my submission started to feel bad.
I explained to Richard that he used my submission against me. Deliberately? Perhaps…I’m not sure. When I say he used it against me I meant that he allowed himself to neglect me and my needs in the name of my submission, my sometimes very real and immediate needs could be overlooked. All he had to do was tell me to be strong- to not give up or fall down. That was what his dominance required of me. It soured my submission and made me resent my ability to eroticize it all. I did feel neglected, manipulated.
I didn’t say goodbye to Richard last night. I kept it in my pocket and we explored another way out of the darkness that he helped create around me. It was all right there between us. All the reasons why I needed it to be over. I explained face to face why the kissing issue hurt me. He understood that. He never wanted to take that away. He hasn’t taken it away. What he has done is taken away L’s right to question him about what he does with and to me when we are alone. She will no longer be allowed to define his dominance of me. I told him that I needed him to be my Dominant all of the time. That doesn’t mean I need 24/7 contact with him. It means my submission can not be expected to rise and fall based on the current state of L’s mind. That made me feel ashamed of what I needed from him. As if the disclosure of my role in R’s life somehow took away a lot of the good stuff. He understood. He would fix it- make the changes I needed to stay in this relationship.
R is no longer off limits to me on the weekends and the evenings. If I need him I should feel free to call or reach out to him. He trusts me to not take advantage of that. His trust will not be misused. I respect L’s right and need to have uninterrupted time with her husband. She needs that….Richard needs that. I know I am not the primary relationship in his life. But then again…maybe she isn’t either. I have different needs than she does, different roles. No less important…no more. Richard promised me he will work on being a better Owner to me. He promises to be a better Dominant to me. I don’t need much. All I need is written above. His words and his eyes and his expressions when he is touching me are enough for me to know it is real. It shouldn’t end a moment before it has to. It doesn’t have to. Not now. Not when a word from last night turned it all around.
I told him that we wasted too much time in the drama of this whole thing. I want to keep the drama out of what he and I share. My role with him is simple. It should be. Coming away from last night I am clear headed and confident in my relationship with him. I asked him not to hurt me anymore. To remember that yes I am strong…but that I am vulnerable to being hurt too. Especially by the one I have given everything to. Everything.
When all the words were resting quietly between us and the looks and voices had softened he kissed me. He told me he loved me. He told me needed me….that I most likely would never know what I meant to him or just how he needed me. He told me today that this past year with him as been the happiest he can remember. I believe him. That stuck with me for a long long time…he said he had never been happier in his entire life. Wow.
With a shift of his eye he told me to go and put my cuffs on. I shook as I walked to the cabinet and retrieved them. He assisted me strapping them tightly to my ankles and my wrists. I remember very clearly standing in front of him. “Put your arms around me.” he said in an amazingly sensual voice. “That is what I need from you right now.” And then he kissed me. In spite of L…in spite of my own feelings about him not being honest with her he kissed me.
I happily complied resting into him allowing all the issues and drama to sink down onto the floor beneath my bare feet. It felt good, I felt good. I thought I felt him tremble. His touches are intense…his gaze melting and I can’t help but to give. He pushed me down onto the bed.
“On your stomach.” he told me. “It has been too long since I have taken what I need from you.” I wish I could remember is every word. He gently touched me….rubbing my body up and down softly. He kissed my back and my shoulders his fingers creeping between my legs as if he needed to gather up my dampness and keep it forever. He circled me there….in that softest of places…the secret place that he can find. He draws my release out of me as if my body just knows and obeys him. My mind shuts off and only my body is fully engaged in the moment when I cum for him. His hands spanked my bottom hard and then harder and harder. I was squirming and loving it. Needing it. Loving that he was taking pleasure from me.
He began to cane me with a thin whippy little cane. “Oh…” he said. “You don’t like that, do you?” He brought down on me a couple more times relishing my moans and squirms and I wanted him to put it away. Put it away put it away I screamed silently. Something harder I thought….something thuddier. He caned me again with a thicker cane. Not thick enough to thud but thick enough to be more tolerable. His hand was on the back of my head and he held my squirming body down. Every once in awhile pulling my head up by my hair telling me something or asking me something…I was wet and hot and I needed so much more. At one point his cock slid into my mouth and he held it there thrusting it in and out telling me to take it deeper like he knew I could do for him. “Good girl” he whispered.
The cane sliced across my back a few times and he paused to give me another orgasm. I wasn’t breathing and I didn’t expect the next stroke….so hard so evenly and perfectly placed across my slim back that my cry echoed in the room. He collapsed against my body and gathered me close to him… “Good girl…oh God….thank you.”
And I knew he was thanking me for taking what he needed to give me. He was thanking me for my role in his life to the fullest and that I was there freely and that his pleasure was my own. He was thanking me for loving him and being loved by him. There was so much in that breathless whisper. So much, it told me that I would truly be part of him forever. He told me that long after we say goodbye he could guarantee a day wouldn’t pass where thoughts of me wouldn’t cross his mind.
And I didn’t even shave my legs.