S/M

my protector

I can’t believe I forgot to remember to write about this. It was one of the several truly wonderful memories of our time at the beach together. We were getting ready for dinner. It was the evening that I had been left alone on the beach for the hour or so when Richard and Judy returned to the room. I was not in a good state of mind. I felt resentful and for the lack of a better word pouty. Not a good combination when you are in the company of a grumpy sleep deprived dominant. When he returned from the room he found me asleep under the umbrella on the beach trying to get out of the blaring sun and sand storm that had temporarily found its way to our paradise. He shook me gently and sweetly asked me if I was alright. I didn’t answer him. I just closed my eyes as my last attempt to keep him from seeing the hurt inside of them. He uncovered me and said we were going back to the room. It was lunch time and I think we were going shopping. He looked down at me and covered my shoulders with the towel.

“For the rest of the day you are NOT to leave my sight.” He said sternly. “I do not want you farther away from me than three feet for the rest of the day. Do you understand?” My first thought was shock. He acted as if I wandered away and had gotten lost. Then something inside me smiled a little because I knew what he was doing. It was his way of acknowledging that I felt alone and abandoned. I think it was also a message to L (and to me) that I did have a place with him and I did have a place with them that weekend. This was also the evening that I had suggested L and Richard go have dinner alone so I was thinking of that. Not too long after he told me that he meant ALL day and that I would not be left alone again. I wondered how that was going to go over?

Anyway so later that day we were on a patio with the ocean behind us and the pool to our right. L dozed on a lounge chair while Richard and I chatted. I was still feeling not quite right. I was just hurt. I knew Richard had lied to me and I was cold to him. He followed the three foot rule for most of the afternoon. We walked to the bar together a few times to retrieve Malibu and cokes for all of us. I think we were all pretty relaxed albeit pissed off (me). I was hot. I was bored after a while and asked to go back down to the beach. Maybe later he told me. I was so bored I ended up chatting with a really sweet Indian lady near the pool. L seemed content just to lump by the pool. I wanted to be in the surf, or on a boat or flying behind someone’s boat. Sometimes she is incredibly boring and Richard seems more sedate when she is around.

Richard was asleep. L was asleep and I was bored. I was hot. So I left him  there on his chair and walked down to the beach by myself. I swam in the cool blue water for about half an hour. It felt so amazing…I felt refreshed and just swam and swam and swam. I walked back up to the deck and they were still asleep. I just got more angry because I imagined if I had sex all morning I would need a nap too. But I hadn’t. So I flopped down beside him a little louder than I needed to. It jolted him awake and when he gave me that sweet sleepy smile I ALMOST felt guilty. But I didn’t.

“You alright?” He asked.

“I am just great…I went swimming.”

“In the pool?”

“No…I went to the beach. I swam in the ocean.” I tried to keep the sing song I did it even when you said I couldn’t little girl voice to a minimum. I realized that was the mood I was in. I was angry and resentful and so I acted out. I see it pretty clearly now..maybe I did even then.

He looked at me and said nothing for a few minutes.

“You went to the beach after I told you not to.”

“Oh…you meant that?” I said ” …are we going to start doing what we say from now on” (Oh..pixie well played.)

 

Again..he said nothing. A few minutes later L woke up and we all chatted for a few minutes. She asked me if I was having a good time and I told her that I was having a wonderful time, that I just got out of the sea. She said that was nice and asked me how the water was. I got pleasure in bragging to her that I had disobeyed Richard even though she didn’t know he had told me not to. I cut my eyes towards him and he gave me a smoldering glance and then suggested we all go get ready for dinner.

So we abandoned our chairs and walked together upstairs. Me..still pouty ( and this is where I contributed to the failure of the weekend. We dressed and showered and I was cold to Richard the entire time. A lot is said here about L being forced to deal with this situation. Well…no one forced her to join me in shower and that told me something.

Anyway…after the shower I was getting dressed and Richard was already ready. It takes L forever to get ready so after awhile it was just Richard and I together on the balcony overlooking the ocean. He was angry with me. I could see it on his face. I had blatantly disobeyed him and then rubbed his face in it. I felt it was justified because he had blatantly lied to me and then allowed me to feel humiliated because of it. I forgot that isn’t how Ownership worked…see like I said before I wasn’t feeling too good about my submission and my trust in my Owner had been badly bruised. So when I walked past him and he reached for me I couldn’t help but turn away. He pulled me into the bedroom and practically flung me to the bed. He yelled at me to clean my clothes up off the bed. Yes…he raised his voice to me. The first time. He didn’t wait for me to obey him or not. He was just angry and frustrated and he needed me to know it. I was angry too and confused as to why he was angry with me. I had been the one hurt that day. Left alone and ignored…and why..in the name of submission or selfishness? That is how I saw it. So when he pushed me back against the bed and told me to lift my skirt I straightened up and looked him right in the eye and said no.

At this point L walked into the room took one look at her husband and walked away. I crossed my arms and glared at him. “Now.” he said. His voice calm now but laced with a warning that I had never heard from him before. I was too angry, too indignant to realize how sexy he was at that very second…lol. But don’t tell him I said that.

I said no again. He stepped away.

“Is this how you see us? When you take away my ability to Dominate you, when you take away my expectation that you will obey me you are telling me you don’t need me, that you don’t want this.”

I remained quiet. My mind was screaming….yes and when you lie to me. When you ignore me and pretend my feeling mean nothing to you…when you make me feel horrible about what I am to you are telling me you don’t need me.

L walked back into the room. “Do you need me to leave you two alone for a minute?”

His eyes never left me. “Yes.”

“We have reservations at nine.” she said. His eyes never left me. “Uh..ok then..I will see you outside.”

She told me later she was afraid to leave me alone with him..lol, that she was afraid he was going to spank me and hurt me. Funny thing was…that is just what I wanted him to do. I wish that he had. When he told me to pull up my skirt and I said no…I wish he had smacked my face. I wish he had pushed me over and pulled my skirt up. To me that is what my old Dominant would have done…in my mind this Dominant was allowing L to define what it was he did and said to me. He let me down.

What I don’t think he realized right away was the effect his words had on me. He lectured me pretty severely and warned me to get and keep my head on straight. That he was counting on me to not make trouble. He pulled me against him and hugged me before we followed L outside. I had big tears in my eyes that I never let fall. I was quiet and subdued but mostly I was floaty and subbie and completely on the edges of subspace. I am not sure why..maybe his voice scared me, maybe his restrained anger reminded me of what he has done and he was capable of doing to me.

By the time we were at the restaurant I was barely able to think. L asked me if I was alright about three times. I heard R tell her I was fine. It was then I think he realized I wasn’t quite myself. The menu was in front of me and I had no idea what was on it. There was no way I could make a choice. They discussed wine and champagne and I just nodded. The bottle was ordered and my glass was filled and I hardly noticed. He ordered for me. It was a little funny I think looking back because in my head I was thinking just please nobody ask me to do anything or answer a question. I focused on Richard reassuring and understanding gaze across the table from me. I felt better. I realized he knew right where my mind was.

The food was delicious. The wine was amazing. They both know just what to order and it was perfect. What wasn’t perfect was the table behind us. And this is the part I can’t believe I forgot to write about. There was a table behind us of about 5 or 6. One man was incredibly obnoxious. We were in a slightly upscale restaurant and you don’t expect to see or hear some of what was coming out of this guys mouth. Their desert was served and he made the comment to the other guy that he needed to eat it because he could guarantee he had not had an orgasm like that since before he was married.

I though….OMG this guy is like five years old. I said as much to Richard and L and then turned around and glared at him. I am typically pretty tolerable of stupidity but today I was not in the mood. I was feeling like I needed a quiet space and he was being an ass. The table saw me glare at him and one of them must have told him to quiet down.

The words came to our table quite clearly He said. “She just needs fucked. Too bad she is out with her parents.”

We could not believe he said that. I was embarrassed. I almost said something but remembered my own manners. L and I chatted for a few minutes about what he had said. I noticed that my Owner was strangely quiet. He had a look on his face that I could almost recognize. It smoldered and drew me into him only it wasn’t for me. He was tense and his eyes never left the table behind me. A moment later when Mr. Loudmouth…let’s call him Mickey got up and walked to the restroom L and I were startled when Richard calmly laid his napkin aside and followed him.

It gets better. The two other men at the other table looked at each other and followed Richard.

L and I just looked at each other. I asked what he was doing and she said she didn’t know. We waited to hear the police siren or the ambulance. A few minutes later my Owner calmly walked back to our table. He reached over and patted my hand and told me not to look so worried. He laughed at my expression and told L he was fine. “What did you do?” L and I asked him at the same time. “Nothing…I just told him he owed pixie an apology for how he was acting and what he said about her.”

I didn’t know what to say. Did men really do that? Had he really just defended me?

I was still a little floaty and I think that always brings out R’s protective streak. He knew that I was vulnerable and that the man behind us was out of line. I was amazed when the loud man stopped at our table on the way back to his own. I had never felt more his. Richard told me later he spent the entire dinner just wanting to hold me.

“Excuse me. I wanted to apologize to you if my words or actions impeded on your evening at all. When the gentleman told me what I had said I didn’t remember. I didn’t think I had been so rude; my friends confirmed that I had in fact been insulting. I apologize.” He touched my hand and then reached over and shook Richard’s thanking him. Richard thanked him back and the man turned and sheepishly returned to his table. The restaurant was silent. Every mouth at his table was wide open.

L was amazed. I was proud…so proud that my Owner did the right thing. Chivalry is not dead.

I realized once again how important I am to him. What he thinks of me and how he needs me. That night I did cuddle against him. I knew he had forgiven me for my behavior. I whispered it to him as we were falling asleep. I told him I was sorry I had lost my place…that I loved him and needed his forgiveness. He said there was nothing to forgive. He said it was over, forgotten and I wouldn’t be punished for it. He said my hurt feelings punished him more than he was ever capable of punishing me. He told me later that he felt manipulated…pressured into spending time with L alone in the bedroom. 

I woke up to have his arm around me and feeling at peace for the moment in where we were knowing we had some holes to climb out of and not all together sure they wouldn’t backfill on us.

Tonight I am remembering that evening with a big grin. Amazed that I could go from feeling so un-owned to so entirely wrapped up in him and what we each give the other. I truly believe that with enough patience, respect and acknowledgment of the other’s needs (not to mention confidence in your own role) that this will work.

I am also still looking forward. This weekend I am taking a trip with my friend from GA.  He is flying me to Rehoboth Beach…Delaware I think. He is looking at a golf course there and asked me to go along. So we leave Friday and return Sunday.

I am just keeping busy and distracting myself. Yes, I like him. No, it isn’t love. I haven’t been intimate with him. It may never progress into anything like that. I know R feels conflicted about my dating. I know we both wonder if I am ready. I think I have to. I think I have to add people to my life who I can see anytime I want.

It will be good for me, good for all three of us.

4 thoughts on “my protector

  1. Okay I’m I will bite..What did it L mean when she got in the shower? Laughing at myself.. okay pixie so I’m slow forgive me..I mean you two have nude been together before..

    His fawn

  2. Richard really was a hero that evening, how lovely for you all.

    It’s a wonderful idea to add more to our lives! Always adding more until we reach the top of where we want to be. The more complications and new directions we create, the wiser we will become, possibly…

    Peace to Pixie and all she loves.

    Mali x

  3. Well…just got caught up. Gone a few days and everything changes for you two. *smiles* It sounds like you are doing good things for yourselves and for each other.

    I’m glad you were able to work things out again and to get beyond the hurt feelings.

    I hope you will enjoy your time with Jackson. Having some fun that isn’t so full of all this emotional charge will be very good for you, I’m sure. You are very wise.

    I am thinking of Richard and hoping that he and L are doing well with the changes. I hope that L finds she feels safer if she’s left to focus only on her friendship with you pixie and on the Us she has with Richard. I think he made a good decision about that. He must feel like some land mines are taken out of his path with this decision too.

    I hope you are feeling well and that things for the two of you are feeling more drama free…and gee. This is such a good memory of Richard. From what you describe of L’s response to Richard, she’s getting a real eye opening viewpoint of her husband. *grins* It is amazing how you can live with someone for many years and not really recognize some really interesting facets of their personality. I think its vital to a marriage that people realize that their partner evolves and to continue to try to understand the puzzle that they are…Really that’s true of any relationship.

    Blessings!

  4. Good luck to you all.

    I hope that Richard is able to put your emotional health before his needs because if he can’t it might destroy you (and not in a good way) but if he can, then I think things can work out well for you regardless of whether the triad thing works or not.

    You have to know when to hold on and when to let go–and I mean that to Richard, not pixie.

    Just someone who has been there.

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