pixie has asked me to say something about all this. As she has said, I am out of the country for another week. We have talked several times. We exchange email. We are both sad and confused. I was trying to give her the freedom to find the person who CAN give her all she deserves. We both know I can’t, as hard as I try and as much as I want to. So I tried to make room for that person. As I said to her, I suck up all of her life and fill it all up so there is no room for anyone else. And so I tried to make space.
It is obvious that even when I am not there, I am there….
It is perhaps less obvious that I am not doing this because I think it is good for me. I have told her again and again that if I want to be selfish, I would keep her and to hell with anyone else.
So we talk, and we worry around it, and we wonder where we are going. It seems possible to me that I can never really release pixie, any more than she can walk away from me. It may be that one of us will have to die to come unglued from the other. It may be that separation is something that will have to happen to us, rather than be decided by us. For whatever decisions I have made, we are still stuck together. All my words have not changed much, just made us both sad. And this post is sad. There was no joy in this post.
pixie and I need to talk face to face, which is another week away. In the meantime, please know I have not “abandoned” her and have no intention of just walking out of her life. What role I will play in the future is something we will have to talk about. I know she needs me – I know I will be there for her. But none of that answers the question of whether my owning her is good for her in the long run, or bad for her. That is a harder question. I keep thinking it is not good for her in the long run. I read this post and speak to her and can see that maybe she disagrees with me on what is in her best interest.
I am the one who has to deal with the “snapshots” of pixie telling me that the bad outweighs the good, that we both know that I can’t give her what she needs, that the pain of seeing me for a few hours a week, and then having me leave town for three weeks, is more than she can deal with. That is the reality of it, and that is what I have responsibility for. And guilt for, just by the way – knowing that my presence in her life, for all the good it may bring, prevents her from ever finding the person who CAN give it all to her. So I’m just trying to find what is best for her.
I miss her terribly. If all I thought of was what I wanted and needed, I would not release her, and would take her back this instant. We have agreed, I think, (I think??? haven’t we pixie?) to think about this until I am back and we can speak, at length, face to face, and decide what to do next. I know I am totally conflicted – that what I want and need may be completely inconsistent with her best interests. In the long run. And in the short run, I am here to help her through all this.
So I am rambling – tired, confused, too far away – and doesn’t that tell you something??? I am too far away. I know it. And not owning her is just crushing my spirit. I’ll try to be more coherent the next time. Not being with her is killing me.
love you, pixie. you know I do.