S/M

to pixiepie

pixie has asked me to say something about all this.  As she has said, I am out of the country for another week.  We have talked several times.  We exchange email.  We are both sad and confused.  I was trying to give her the freedom to find the person who CAN give her all she deserves.  We both know I can’t, as hard as I try and as much as I want to.  So I tried to make room for that person.  As I said to her, I suck up all of her life and fill it all up so there is no room for anyone else.  And so I tried to make space.
It is obvious that even when I am not there, I am there….

It is perhaps less obvious that I am not doing this because I think it is good for me.  I have told her again and again that if I want to be selfish, I would keep her and to hell with anyone else.

So we talk, and we worry around it, and we wonder where we are going.  It seems possible to me that I can never really release pixie, any more than she can walk away from me.  It may be that one of us will have to die to come unglued from the other.  It may be that separation is something that will have to happen to us, rather than be decided by us.  For whatever decisions I have made, we are still stuck together.  All my words have not changed much, just made us both sad.  And this post is sad.  There was no joy in this post.

pixie and I need to talk face to face, which is another week away.  In the meantime, please know I have not “abandoned” her and have no intention of just walking out of her life.  What role I will play in the future is something we will have to talk about.  I know she needs me – I know I will be there for her.  But none of that answers the question of whether my owning her is good for her in the long run, or bad for her.  That is a harder question.  I keep thinking it is not good for her in the long run. I read this post and speak to her and can see that maybe she disagrees with me on what is in her best interest.

I am the one who has to deal with the “snapshots” of pixie telling me that the bad outweighs the good, that we both know that I can’t give her what she needs, that the pain of seeing me for a few hours a week, and then having me leave town for three weeks, is more than she can deal with.  That is the reality of it, and that is what I have responsibility for.  And guilt for, just by the way – knowing that my presence in her life, for all the good it may bring, prevents her from ever finding the person who CAN give it all to her.  So I’m just trying to find what is best for her.

I miss her terribly.  If all I thought of was what I wanted and needed, I would not release her, and would take her back this instant.  We have agreed, I think, (I think??? haven’t we pixie?) to think about this until I am back and we can speak, at length, face to face, and decide what to do next.  I know I am totally conflicted – that what I want and need may be completely inconsistent with her best interests.  In the long run.  And in the short run, I am here to help her through all this.

So I am rambling – tired, confused, too far away – and doesn’t that tell you something???  I am too far away.  I know it.  And not owning her is just crushing my spirit.  I’ll try to be more coherent the next time. Not being with her is killing me.

love you, pixie.  you know I do.

R
S/M

day 1

Today moved slowly as if it was a day that was not quite thought out. It felt sort of random and not at all clear in my head. Sometimes I get like that, especially when my mind is scattered across too many fields and the rain is hitting my window a little too loud.

 

 Yesterday I spent a full day walking quietly through my new un-owned status. I thought a lot about what ownership meant and how it changed me and how it made me see myself. I realized I was using Richard’s ownership of me as if it were a warm blanket. When I go to sleep at night I bundle myself up in it so tightly I can barely breath but then later on when the moon is high and the only noises outside are soft chirps of crickets and the grass growing I kick off my blankets. I let my skin feel chilled and pull my knees up to my chin.

 

See, here without my blanket I feel unprotected, unsafe and the part of me that wants to hide away from this world wakes up and lets the brave, strong part of me sleep.  I am restless in this sleep and my dreams are only dreams of black and white as if from an old movie and lacking all the color love and pain and desire creates . When you fall asleep like that it is always hard to wake up. I don’t know why it feels so cold. Maybe because only then I am bare to the elements, naked and vulnerable for all to see and touch and hurt instead of the blanket seeing all, knowing all.

 

Richard can’t be my blanket anymore. I know that and he knows that. I think I need too much and he has less and less to give. And I don’t blame him for that…in my heart’s heart I know how he feels about me and I know that he is broken by the loss of us. I trust him so much and it took him looking in my eyes with anguish on his face and telling me softly that he was not my Owner anymore because he wasn’t good for me anymore- it took that for me to believe it.

 

Tonight my world feels a little less full and a little less real to me. It is almost as if I have lost a part of myself that had only just started to grow. I can’t afford for parts of myself to stop growing.

 

 I think there is something inside of me, a place that I have stumbled upon only in passing that holds this all on its own. I don’t need to feel owned to know I am worthy of love and all that creates. What I want to give myself is a gift of knowing that ownership and submission and all the good and bad that comes with both is a gift to myself and not so much a gift I give to someone else. I think it is only then that I will be able to take this huge part of myself, this submissive side, this masochistic side that I allowed to grow and flourish and become strong to feel right to me again.

 

Because it is me. I am it. How strange that sounds in my ears and as I see these words form on the screen I know that it isn’t something I can hide, it isn’t something that can sit for too long outside the blanket. Whether Richard ever covers me again or not I still need to be covered. This time it will be a blanket sewn by my own two hands and one that is heavy enough so the slightest breeze doesn’t frighten it yet light enough to allow me to roll over and shift and yes, grow.

 

I can’t fold Richard and place him neatly on the corner of my bed. Nor can I store him and take him out when I get cold. It doesn’t work that way, it never could. I look back to over a year ago when I concluded that I was placing too much energy into a man. It took Richard holding my hand to show me that Mark needed to be out of my life…he helped me be strong. And when I begged Richard to let me call Mark or take his call or answer his email and he said no…I resented that. I thank him now.

 

Because he taught me how to let someone go. And now I can use that gift he gave me to let him go. And why? Not for myself, I need him. I need him as a touchstone everyday to make it all feel good. Yet what does that do for him? What does that, what do I take away from his life? From his marriage and from a future that never included he and I living happily ever after.

 

Once this lost feeling lifts I will be OK. I know that, I’ve been here before, and yes I had a soft blanket to fall into and I don’t this time. This time I am going to catch myself. And if I feel like I need to be covered well…life is short and I am fallible. I may turn yet again to Richard. I don’t know…I don’t know anything past tonight and how I feel this second. Don’t ask me for more than that.