Today moved slowly as if it was a day that was not quite thought out. It felt sort of random and not at all clear in my head. Sometimes I get like that, especially when my mind is scattered across too many fields and the rain is hitting my window a little too loud.
Yesterday I spent a full day walking quietly through my new un-owned status. I thought a lot about what ownership meant and how it changed me and how it made me see myself. I realized I was using Richard’s ownership of me as if it were a warm blanket. When I go to sleep at night I bundle myself up in it so tightly I can barely breath but then later on when the moon is high and the only noises outside are soft chirps of crickets and the grass growing I kick off my blankets. I let my skin feel chilled and pull my knees up to my chin.
See, here without my blanket I feel unprotected, unsafe and the part of me that wants to hide away from this world wakes up and lets the brave, strong part of me sleep. I am restless in this sleep and my dreams are only dreams of black and white as if from an old movie and lacking all the color love and pain and desire creates . When you fall asleep like that it is always hard to wake up. I don’t know why it feels so cold. Maybe because only then I am bare to the elements, naked and vulnerable for all to see and touch and hurt instead of the blanket seeing all, knowing all.
Richard can’t be my blanket anymore. I know that and he knows that. I think I need too much and he has less and less to give. And I don’t blame him for that…in my heart’s heart I know how he feels about me and I know that he is broken by the loss of us. I trust him so much and it took him looking in my eyes with anguish on his face and telling me softly that he was not my Owner anymore because he wasn’t good for me anymore- it took that for me to believe it.
Tonight my world feels a little less full and a little less real to me. It is almost as if I have lost a part of myself that had only just started to grow. I can’t afford for parts of myself to stop growing.
I think there is something inside of me, a place that I have stumbled upon only in passing that holds this all on its own. I don’t need to feel owned to know I am worthy of love and all that creates. What I want to give myself is a gift of knowing that ownership and submission and all the good and bad that comes with both is a gift to myself and not so much a gift I give to someone else. I think it is only then that I will be able to take this huge part of myself, this submissive side, this masochistic side that I allowed to grow and flourish and become strong to feel right to me again.
Because it is me. I am it. How strange that sounds in my ears and as I see these words form on the screen I know that it isn’t something I can hide, it isn’t something that can sit for too long outside the blanket. Whether Richard ever covers me again or not I still need to be covered. This time it will be a blanket sewn by my own two hands and one that is heavy enough so the slightest breeze doesn’t frighten it yet light enough to allow me to roll over and shift and yes, grow.
I can’t fold Richard and place him neatly on the corner of my bed. Nor can I store him and take him out when I get cold. It doesn’t work that way, it never could. I look back to over a year ago when I concluded that I was placing too much energy into a man. It took Richard holding my hand to show me that Mark needed to be out of my life…he helped me be strong. And when I begged Richard to let me call Mark or take his call or answer his email and he said no…I resented that. I thank him now.
Because he taught me how to let someone go. And now I can use that gift he gave me to let him go. And why? Not for myself, I need him. I need him as a touchstone everyday to make it all feel good. Yet what does that do for him? What does that, what do I take away from his life? From his marriage and from a future that never included he and I living happily ever after.
Once this lost feeling lifts I will be OK. I know that, I’ve been here before, and yes I had a soft blanket to fall into and I don’t this time. This time I am going to catch myself. And if I feel like I need to be covered well…life is short and I am fallible. I may turn yet again to Richard. I don’t know…I don’t know anything past tonight and how I feel this second. Don’t ask me for more than that.