S/M

day 1

Today moved slowly as if it was a day that was not quite thought out. It felt sort of random and not at all clear in my head. Sometimes I get like that, especially when my mind is scattered across too many fields and the rain is hitting my window a little too loud.

 

 Yesterday I spent a full day walking quietly through my new un-owned status. I thought a lot about what ownership meant and how it changed me and how it made me see myself. I realized I was using Richard’s ownership of me as if it were a warm blanket. When I go to sleep at night I bundle myself up in it so tightly I can barely breath but then later on when the moon is high and the only noises outside are soft chirps of crickets and the grass growing I kick off my blankets. I let my skin feel chilled and pull my knees up to my chin.

 

See, here without my blanket I feel unprotected, unsafe and the part of me that wants to hide away from this world wakes up and lets the brave, strong part of me sleep.  I am restless in this sleep and my dreams are only dreams of black and white as if from an old movie and lacking all the color love and pain and desire creates . When you fall asleep like that it is always hard to wake up. I don’t know why it feels so cold. Maybe because only then I am bare to the elements, naked and vulnerable for all to see and touch and hurt instead of the blanket seeing all, knowing all.

 

Richard can’t be my blanket anymore. I know that and he knows that. I think I need too much and he has less and less to give. And I don’t blame him for that…in my heart’s heart I know how he feels about me and I know that he is broken by the loss of us. I trust him so much and it took him looking in my eyes with anguish on his face and telling me softly that he was not my Owner anymore because he wasn’t good for me anymore- it took that for me to believe it.

 

Tonight my world feels a little less full and a little less real to me. It is almost as if I have lost a part of myself that had only just started to grow. I can’t afford for parts of myself to stop growing.

 

 I think there is something inside of me, a place that I have stumbled upon only in passing that holds this all on its own. I don’t need to feel owned to know I am worthy of love and all that creates. What I want to give myself is a gift of knowing that ownership and submission and all the good and bad that comes with both is a gift to myself and not so much a gift I give to someone else. I think it is only then that I will be able to take this huge part of myself, this submissive side, this masochistic side that I allowed to grow and flourish and become strong to feel right to me again.

 

Because it is me. I am it. How strange that sounds in my ears and as I see these words form on the screen I know that it isn’t something I can hide, it isn’t something that can sit for too long outside the blanket. Whether Richard ever covers me again or not I still need to be covered. This time it will be a blanket sewn by my own two hands and one that is heavy enough so the slightest breeze doesn’t frighten it yet light enough to allow me to roll over and shift and yes, grow.

 

I can’t fold Richard and place him neatly on the corner of my bed. Nor can I store him and take him out when I get cold. It doesn’t work that way, it never could. I look back to over a year ago when I concluded that I was placing too much energy into a man. It took Richard holding my hand to show me that Mark needed to be out of my life…he helped me be strong. And when I begged Richard to let me call Mark or take his call or answer his email and he said no…I resented that. I thank him now.

 

Because he taught me how to let someone go. And now I can use that gift he gave me to let him go. And why? Not for myself, I need him. I need him as a touchstone everyday to make it all feel good. Yet what does that do for him? What does that, what do I take away from his life? From his marriage and from a future that never included he and I living happily ever after.

 

Once this lost feeling lifts I will be OK. I know that, I’ve been here before, and yes I had a soft blanket to fall into and I don’t this time. This time I am going to catch myself. And if I feel like I need to be covered well…life is short and I am fallible. I may turn yet again to Richard. I don’t know…I don’t know anything past tonight and how I feel this second. Don’t ask me for more than that.

14 thoughts on “day 1

  1. Dearest Pixie,

    You are an example of what I know to be true of the submissive woman: beautiful and smart and brave and strong.

    There are many of us who read your words and do not comment. But please know that all of us hold you close to our hearts as a dear friend.

    There may be times when you feel alone. But you aren’t. If you need us, call us. We are all there for you.

    With so much love, admiration & respect for you,
    ~January~

  2. Pixie,

    I am one of your many fans. I have never commented before but I wanted to let you know, as so many have, that you are not alone. That your strength and wisdom and struggle do not go unnoticed.

    We may be invisible, but still we support you; we may not be in the room next to you but when you cry out we can hear your pain.

    Sweet, talented, suffering, loving and lovable Pixie, you are right: You know how to do this. The road you are traveling is a difficult road but you have been here before. It won’t be easy but it will be easier than last time. You have learned so much. You are so smart and so wise.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. Thank you for sharing your submission with us. Thank you for sharing this struggle with us.

    I would gather up the finest down comforter and tuck you into bed myself if I could and hold you in my arms until you no longer shivered.

    With every posting your words touch my heart. I want so much to give you something back. All I can do, though, is confirm another thing you know already:

    You will craft your blanket, and you will be warm again.

    much love,
    An admirerer

  3. ” And why? Not for myself, I need him. I need him as a touchstone everyday to make it all feel good. Yet what does that do for him? What does that, what do I take away from his life? From his marriage and from a future that never included he and I living happily ever after. ”

    Those are the words that I feel so often but you have spoken them loudly and gracefully so that I can now hear them. Thank you.

    You are very brave, and I imagine the blanket you will craft to be a beautiful tapestry, that will be long-lasting and treasured.

    Sending you love and hope and strength from London.

    Olivia
    X

  4. dear sweet pixie,

    it is now day what? Three? Yes I miss you. Yes it seems impossible that we are doing this. Yes I still think it is best for you. But no, it is not best for me. You mistake better for easier when you tell me my life will now be better. I live in my marriage and I know what it takes, what it has taken, to hold it together and to work on this three-way thing we created. It is not easy. But to think my life will be better without you? Well, you forget how good you have made it.

    As for timing, well I have learned that there is no good time. There are many factors influencing my decison to do it now. Again, pixie, you are wrong to think that your illness has anything to do with it. The idea that you could no longer do for me what you have done in the past – honestly it was not a factor. To the extent that your illness played a part in this decision, it cut the other way. I know you need me, or a blanket, more than ever now. And I have told you that I will remain a part of your life if you will let me. I just don’t own you anymore. That is not the same as walking away from you. Please believe that.

    We both know the truth in your words. No matter how I try, or how much time I have to give you, I cannot give you those things you most crave – waking up next to someone you love, having someone who always takes your phone call, having someone who is all yours as you are all his. My loyalties have always been divided. And of course, we were never supposed to fall in love. I know you will remember with a smile that first night we met, when I told you not to fall in love with me. It is one of those memories we will always share, no matter what.

    I am standing by your side, pixie, whether you know it or not. I think you might be able to feel me there when you need some strength, some guidance. I hope that more than teaching you how to let someone go, I helped you realize that you deserve love, are worthy of it, and deserve more than I could ever give you. You are deserving and worthy of love. Hold onto that thought. I have said it many times, you are an amazing creature and I hope you will always have a place for me in your life.

    Love always,
    Richard

  5. I have read for awhile, but never commented. Know that I am sending you love and respect, you are an amazing woman. I have learned so much from you about submission, I only hope that I can be as strong and selfless should that time ever come. You are not alone Pixie, you have scores of people sending you energy and strength. I hope you can take a bit of strength from us.
    Alice

  6. They say you will never find Mr Right if you hang about with Mr Right now… and I believe them.

    If Richard is being honest and will be a part of your life still, then he IS doing the best thing by you… after all your relationship doesn’t seem to have taken you anywhere positive. You may have grown… but into what?

    I am wondering more and more why so many submissive females develop tumors and I wonder if it really is a good idea after all.. of course I can’t escape it even if I tried.

    If my body dies at least I still have my soul!

    xxx

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