to pixiepie

pixie has asked me to say something about all this.  As she has said, I am out of the country for another week.  We have talked several times.  We exchange email.  We are both sad and confused.  I was trying to give her the freedom to find the person who CAN give her all she deserves.  We both know I can’t, as hard as I try and as much as I want to.  So I tried to make room for that person.  As I said to her, I suck up all of her life and fill it all up so there is no room for anyone else.  And so I tried to make space.
It is obvious that even when I am not there, I am there….

It is perhaps less obvious that I am not doing this because I think it is good for me.  I have told her again and again that if I want to be selfish, I would keep her and to hell with anyone else.

So we talk, and we worry around it, and we wonder where we are going.  It seems possible to me that I can never really release pixie, any more than she can walk away from me.  It may be that one of us will have to die to come unglued from the other.  It may be that separation is something that will have to happen to us, rather than be decided by us.  For whatever decisions I have made, we are still stuck together.  All my words have not changed much, just made us both sad.  And this post is sad.  There was no joy in this post.

pixie and I need to talk face to face, which is another week away.  In the meantime, please know I have not “abandoned” her and have no intention of just walking out of her life.  What role I will play in the future is something we will have to talk about.  I know she needs me – I know I will be there for her.  But none of that answers the question of whether my owning her is good for her in the long run, or bad for her.  That is a harder question.  I keep thinking it is not good for her in the long run. I read this post and speak to her and can see that maybe she disagrees with me on what is in her best interest.

I am the one who has to deal with the “snapshots” of pixie telling me that the bad outweighs the good, that we both know that I can’t give her what she needs, that the pain of seeing me for a few hours a week, and then having me leave town for three weeks, is more than she can deal with.  That is the reality of it, and that is what I have responsibility for.  And guilt for, just by the way – knowing that my presence in her life, for all the good it may bring, prevents her from ever finding the person who CAN give it all to her.  So I’m just trying to find what is best for her.

I miss her terribly.  If all I thought of was what I wanted and needed, I would not release her, and would take her back this instant.  We have agreed, I think, (I think??? haven’t we pixie?) to think about this until I am back and we can speak, at length, face to face, and decide what to do next.  I know I am totally conflicted – that what I want and need may be completely inconsistent with her best interests.  In the long run.  And in the short run, I am here to help her through all this.

So I am rambling – tired, confused, too far away – and doesn’t that tell you something???  I am too far away.  I know it.  And not owning her is just crushing my spirit.  I’ll try to be more coherent the next time. Not being with her is killing me.

love you, pixie.  you know I do.


7 thoughts on “to pixiepie

  1. Richard …

    Not that it matters,but I left a comment to this post when you left it as a comment in pixie’s last post the salt , the sand.. I hope you will take the time out to read it..

    Anyway I wish you good luck…

  2. I was happy for Pixie when I read her last post; but it seems she will never get beyond her attatchment to you if you can’t commit to be out of her life. You keep sucking her back in and I think it is selfish of you. Once you “released” her, what right so you have to say anything about what she does? You clearly made your choice and should do what is necesssary to allow Pixie to move on with a life that doesn’t include you and thoughts of you interfering with what is now her reality – you are married to L and cannot give her what she needs consistantly.

    I sm sorry if this sounds hurtful, and I know we only read a snapshot of your lives, but her love for you is clearly not recipricated in a way that will allow a relationship. What’s the point of breaking her heart over and over again.

  3. I am a little confused as it seems that everyone is expecting everyone to have just gotten over things and moved on by now. That’s not how great relationships nor great loves work. No matter what kind of relationship you are in. Just because you have “released” Pixie, doesn’t make her heart (nor yours) say, “ok it’s over… so who’s next?” That’s not how feelings work. It will take a LOT of time. It’s amazing how time can truly make things hurt less. So why rush it? Why sit here pushing yourselves to move on at break neck speeds. Let things take their course. Pixie is trying to force herself to move on for Liam.. she shouldn’t do that. Liam can wait, as he has continued to do so all these years. It’s clear he wants Pixie to understand she needs to let Richard go in order to allow him to love her (boy have I heard that speech before) but he needs to let Pixie do it on her own terms and it will take some time. He should have not done what he did, by pushing himself onto her and insisting. She was not ready and obviously was not enjoying all aspects of that encounter. Pixie it is ok to tell Liam you need more time. You are getting out of a long term and serious relationship. You need time to heal and move on.


  4. I’ve never commented on this blog, but for now I wanted to thank both of you for your words. (Sorry my I’m dutch, my english isn’t very well) It sounds very open.
    I feel sorry for both of you and I do hope you both find a way to deal with this difficult situation. Actually nobody can show you the way. Every relationship is unique, so is every situation, every lifepath.
    Your openness will maybe help other people to open up, talk about their situation, share their feelings. Maybe there’s nothing more to do than that. I don’t know. Wish you luck!

  5. I think it is too easy for Richard to let himself be selfish because it is pixies nature to please him. Don’t you think pixie would go back to Richard even knowing he wasn’t good for her and knowing she will never be first to him? Don’t you think that Richard is taking advantage of his ability to hold her?

    pixie, you have to be the strong one here and not give in. A commenter above was right. THIS SHOULDNT BE EASY!!!!!! It is going to be hard and it is going to hurt pixie for a LONG time. That doesnt mean it should happen. That doesnt mean Richard can give you what you need. That doesnt mean that he will give you more time or more of what he gives L over you. LET IT HURT.

    After the pain pixie you will have clarity and strength. After the pain you can look back and be happy that you had Richard for as long as you had him and you can be happy that he loved you. But let it hurt now because it is the right thing to do.

    Richard I have been following this blog longer than you have loved pixie and I have read the ups and downs. I don’t promise to know it all but I read enough and read into enough to see clearly you have to make this stick. Let her go Richard.

    pixie will survive. pixies don’t die from broken hearts.

  6. if he asked you pixie would you be his submissive again?
    would he ask you now that you have let Liam touch you? will he hold that against you?

    if there is going to be a good time to release pixie (maybe there is NO good time) isn’t this just as good time as any?

    on the other hand pixie may draw strength from not only Richard but from the needed dynamic of being owned and feeling strong and secure. could this be the worse possible time to make a big change for pixie?

    what a web. 🙂
    good luck pixie and know my prayers are with you daily.

  7. Love is never easy…I’m not sure its supposed to be, for it tempers us, brings wisdom, strength when we are challenged or loose it…and that makes the joys of love all the more precious and beautiful.

    I wish you both joy, wisdom and strength as you sort this out for yourselves. I pray that you find courage and clarity about the right path into the future and that you each know that the Universe likes balance and it likes joyful hearts.

    Each time I’m confused about the right path through my life, its always taken me to the gentlest, simplest and most rewarding outcomes when I get quiet inside and find the peace…I always settle in there and when I’m really connected to my inner peace I wonder to myself. The peace always responds by pointing the way…so I hope that you’ll follow your peace. Each of you.

    Blessing to you both. I know you’ll find your way.

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