S/M

snippet…….. Room 212

I knocked softly on the door. My stomach is all over the place as it always is when I go to him. My mind is starting to get quiet as if in preparation for all the places it will go in the next few hours. My heart is racing because I am so excited to see him again. It has been only a few days yet I ache.

We decided to not renew the lease on the apartment so we meet again in a hotel between my town and his. Funny….it is less than a ten minute drive for each of us. It is convenient. We miss the apartment, it was a quiet little haven for us but it didn’t make sense to keep it when we thought we weren’t going to use it as often. Going to a hotel makes it seems different than us having a little place where we could meet anytime. I think we might think again on such an arrangement. Especially as we begin to see that an apartment may actually be more economical than Richard paying for a hotel every week.

Anyway.

He answered the door. And he didn’t pull me inside or reach to hug me. Instead he took my bag and tossed it inside and then stood in the doorway.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him. He just stood there and gave me that look before saying, “Take off your clothes

He wasn’t smiling. He was serious. My face flushed and I felt humiliated beyond belief that he would ask me to do that. There were at least fifteen other doors behind me not to mention an elevator back there somewhere and a lobby full of people a floor down.

There was no hint of amusement in his expression. There was no question that he expected me to obey him. I have always known there is really only one rule between us…..do everything he tells me to do.

I pulled my top over my head and handed it to him. I slipped my shoes off and flipped them past him into the room. I slid my pants down and handed them to him too.

I stood naked in front of him a moment later.

“Take a step back.”

I obeyed him again more concerned with him seeing me now than anyone else. I stepped fearlessly backward into the hallway. My eyes never left his. His eyes never left the skin I had just uncovered; he looks at my body every time as if it were the first time he has seen it.

It was only then he reached for me and pulled me inside.

S/M

opened

 

Samantha: I have to ask you a question. It’s a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Jerry: Never.

-The Mexican

 

 

Tonight I feel opened up.

Torn open somehow…and so much of the contents of myself are spread around. I can see them and touch them but I can’t seem to pick them all up and put them back where they belong. I am sitting here right now playing in them…feeling ashamed of some of them and ignoring others. I am resisting the urge to dwell here for the rest of the night.

Tonight was…wow, well it was really something. My evening with Richard. I’ve quit worrying that he is going to stop taking from me what he needs. I feared he would be afraid to hurt me, to take me, to make me and keep me his for all the reasons we both have. Tonight….we spared nothing. Tonight was different and good.

Intense is not the word. I’m not ready to describe it, I can’t. And I say I can’t because it still feels too intimate, too raw. Like I said, I am opened up right now and can’t quite figure out how to close myself back. I was determined tonight to feel everything..to experience his every touch. All of it. So often when he hurts me I allow myself to sweetly drift away where I feel it all on the surface…to where the pain is rushed off someplace else…sub space it is often called.

I don’t want that anymore. Tonight I rejected it. I realized I needed to stop turning inward and I needed to start reaching out. I trust him enough now, maybe I always have. I realized I don’t want to miss one minute of interaction with him, one second, one word or even a breath. I want it all…I want to be able to recall it vividly. My reactions, his expressions…all that we do and say and give and take.

I did a good job of that tonight. Tonight. I was a good submissive to Richard. I’m not always. I think I believed that allowing myself to go away to sub space allowed him that extra level of sadistic pleasure. I realized tonight that we interact better if I stick around for the entire interaction. 🙂

So I did. I rejected the ‘let me detach myself from all of this’ feeling and I turned to him with my need. For all of my needs….there were moments when I was begging for pain…I needed it so badly. And then there were the moments when I needed to feel his breathing to remind me to breathe…and when I needed a soft touch to remind me I was ok. I learned what I really knew all along…that he would meet my need. He would be there for me and not take me over the edge without helping me back up. I learned that detachment isn’t such a safe place and the true intimate experience comes from giving back…by begging…or breathing or laughing together.

So- no detachment. No sub space….then why tonight when all is quiet in my own little world- you know, the one that has Richard ten minutes away from me yet knowing it might as well be miles and miles….why tonight do I feel so opened up and spilled out. I feel like I wasn’t closed back up the whole way.

He called me after we were both home and we were able to talk for almost an hour. As we were talking L TM’ed him….she was out with a friend and they invited him to come out and have a glass of wine with them. Why did this creep into my soul the way it did and spiral me into this dark place? He has often left me after our time together and met her someplace and when he didn’t go out he would just go home and it isn’t like I didn’t know she was there. So why tonight did I flinch? Was it just jealously …that I became acutely aware of how far away he truly was at that very second….and that I needed him so badly. It isn’t as if I want to deny her the comfort of her husband….I mean after all she had to think all night about Richard being with me. So it wasn’t about that. It was about my own mind….and feelings. My needs…and I don’t always pay a lot of attention to them.

It made me feel like he was able to just turn it all off…and act as if everything was normal, as if we hadn’t just experienced what we did. I told him that I continue to feel him…to feel the collar at my throat or the cane against my body long after we walk away from each other. I can’t imagine leaving him and going to meet Liam…or Jackson…or Boston. It just made me feel…well, it made me wish I had allowed myself the safety of the feeling detached. I am telling myself…the bad with the good. There is still more good. I just need it right after the other I guess…lol.

I need a slower decent into reality.

He told me tonight that after being with me he feels as if there is a shell around him, he feels hardened after leaving me. He struggles to make it home- not wanting to change head spaces so quickly. He said he feels me with him for days after seeing me. For days he can’t stomach L’s touch.  He refuses to speak about what we do when he goes home. I understand his need to close that off before going home. Though in the moments or hours afterwards (depending on our time) that I have him a person could not be more loving or nurturing. I have never felt more loved or more cherished that I have when being held by Richard. I realize it must be hard to close all that off and go home. He tries to act normal but it is hard.

I just feel like I am entirely left out of that equation. I don’t feel normal again. I don’t feel like all of what he opened up in me was closed. How do I do that? How do I enjoy all that we share and not let this dreadful consuming pain ruin it? I’ve been here before….it always goes away. I know that. But how…right now in the midst of it all what can make it feel better? Is it remembering our hours together earlier and all that we did…all that he said..all that we both felt. When we said to each other that noone could ever truly understand how we feel or what we give to each other. Or- is it forgetting? Is it coming home and acting like I am not Owned like he can act as if he isn’t an Owner. Do I make plans to meet another after serving him…? Would that bring me back to good, back to normal? Do I try to detach myself from all of the pleasure just to take away or at least avoid some of this throbbing pain I feel right now. Is this just classic sub drop?

I asked him to let me get off the phone with him tonight early. I was afraid my tears and emotional sort of submissive drop would ruin what we had shared. He knows me too well…he knows my voice and my sadness and tried his best to talk me through it. Eventually though he sent me on to bed and he is calling here to tuck me in pretty soon.

I welcome that. I need to sleep and I hope I can. I hope I can get to the place where I can take and give and take and give….and be the submissive that Richard has taught me to be without letting all the girl emotional stuff get in my way. How can you detach yourself from that?

Is it as simple as needing to see him again soon after so he can make sure I am all closed up. Do I ask to see him tomorrow..should I have to ask? Does he even understand this feeling or what it takes from me to do what I do…? I don’t know. Is it as simple as planning time to allow he and I to be normal together after spending hours with him as the sadist and me as a masochist. I think I need that, I know I need that. I think that I need to require that. Can I make a demand like that…can I say to my Owner….If this is going to work for me….if you want me to feel safe enough to give you what I gave you tonight I need to be left all closed up. Can I ask that….expect that….hope for that? Can I demand that he give me that much time? And if not can I find the courage to not put myself through another downward spiral like tonight? I am Owned by him…his submissive..and I adore him. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him.

Yet…do I the right to say what I need if my need is more of his time….if my need changes the ‘rules’ or makes it harder for him at home? Is that fair? Is it fair not to ask? And isn’t it not asking…not expecting and not getting what I need that always loops us back around to the end of the circle where we face the bad outweighing the good? So do I not owe Richard and myself the truth…and if the truth is being more clear with my needs….isn’t that a good thing?

I’m not blaming him. We said goodbye tonight with a smile and a kiss…neither of us wanting to leave. Both of us reveling in what we had just felt. It was me who had to get home tonight early.

Yet…he was somehow able to close it all up.

I can’t do that all alone.

 

S/M

tint

I was kneeling. It felt right. I had that feeling where everything in my mind feels as if it has a warm hand folded over it. There was a softness in Richard’s voice and in his eyes when he touched me and I am sure he could read how much I had missed him in my own. It was as if we had both spent a little bit of time on the other side of each other and didn’t really like it and had somehow found a way back where we belonged. The hands that were touching me mirrored the wonder in his face as we realized how amazing it felt to be together again.

We had visited the night before; he was back tonight. We had talked then and I remember it feeling a little awkward. I was not strong I had told him the night before. I told him while he was away I worked really hard at not needing him. I even spent some time wistfully wondering where I would be right now if I had obeyed him that very first night I met him. The night he leaned into my car and touched my face and half jokingly warned me not to fall in love with him. I still remember driving away thinking how arrogant he was, saying aloud to myself that I should be warning him of the same thing.

I told him I had done a good job of placing myself in a good place in his absence. Too good he said with a wistful smile though I knew part of him was happy for me; happy that I had been able to be so strong while he was away. The moment he walked in and sat down I knew the awkwardness of the night before was gone. I also knew that everything I had firmed up in my head regarding the two of us would serve a purpose. I was not quite sure what that purpose would be but I knew the angst that I carried with me while he was gone only made me both cherish what we have and realize that although I choose not to I can live without it.

I walked downstairs as he was walking into my home. He hugged me tight and I felt comforted just having him in the same room. I always feel stronger, safer somehow when he is near me. I asked him to sit down and when he did I naturally knelt between his knees and leaned into him. He wrapped his arms around me and cuddled me there for a few minutes.

“I love you pixie.” He told me and I knew it was true. I stopped doubting that a long time ago. I also believe that if we were to spread it all out and stand back it would be clear that we truly do bring more good to the other than bad. As I knelt there in front of him all the good drifted around us both and it kept us in that warm all together place that is right and good and rare.

I was wearing a short white babydoll nightgown. It was modest and quite innocent looking, I knew he would like it. His hands were on my shoulders and all over my skin. He had missed me as much as I had missed him. We sat that way for quite awhile and talked. It is natural for me to be with him like that. Kneeling I mean. It feels right to both of us. As we talked his hands were never still. There was not really anything deep we needed to discuss. The night before had been the heavy conversation where we decided what we needed from the other.

I learned somethings while he was gone about myself. I saw for the first time that I was not doing a very good job of following through with Richard’s initial expectations of both L and I. One of the first guidelines he provided to me when we were all trying to figure out how to build this three legged stool is that we only need to focus on what we need and not what the other is getting. I had lost that somehow and found myself too distracted by the time I was not getting of Richard’s. The time that really should be given to his wife, time that even if he was available to me I couldn’t of offered him. I realized that it wasn’t so much that I wasn’t getting what I needed from him as much as it was just I was not getting what I needed from my life in general, even outside of him that was giving me that unfulfilled feeling.

I honestly do not want to cause trouble between them.

This is jumping a bit forward but the three of us spent the past weekend together. One of the things we did together was see a movie that talked about a couple in a relationship that was always missing something. It was a deep and loving and intense relationship but it was missing an ingredient. Later that night as we all sort of just relaxed and talked L mentioned that scene of the movie. She told me that is what I was to her, that is how she was able to see me have a part in her marriage. I added ‘salt’…a flavor that was lacking….and I added ‘tint’ a slight change of color that changed the entire scene. She understood that and had found a way to appreciate it.

I think I am seeing around some corners now that I wasn’t able to before. I feel good, and strong and deeply attached to Richard right now and what he gives me. I feel less needy and more secure with him. I know there are bumps…there are some yet to come but I think for the first time nobody is hanging off the edge getting ready to jump.

S/M

today

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.”

Pablo Neruda

I often quote from Pablo Neruda. Last Valentines Day I gave Richard a book of his poems and then right after purchased myself the same book. I think he and I have read the book cover to cover more times than either of us can count. I discovered a website that had some additional poems of his on it, some of them are not as published or as popular. I found myself wanting to share them with him and I sent him a few favorites. He wrote me back….

These poems are impossibly beautiful. Sometimes I read them as though from you to me and sometimes from me to you and sometimes both ways.”

I completely understand what he means. I do the same thing. I read them and sometimes it seems as if they are almost a back and forth. I speak and then he responds. There is a rhythm there that matches our own. That must be why I am so drawn to his work. Pablo Neruda…read him.

I left my blog over a week ago full of confusion and uncertainty regarding where Richard and I would land as we both fell back to the ground. Would we come together once again like scattered pieces of mercury or would we have drifted so far apart during the three long weeks that made up his absence that we were able to stay away from each other.

He came to see me the night after he made it back into the country. I was overjoyed to see him yet I felt a detachment there that I tried hard to hide. I realized that I had distanced myself, I had hardened myself to him. Finally as we sat on opposite ends of my couch talking to each other I admitted how I was feeling. I told him I was detached. I told him that I had made some room between us and I thought it was good for him that I be less needy, less dependent and good for me too. He asked me how admitting that made me feel. Empowered I said…empowered and very, very sad. I feel like I lost a part of myself I told him.

He asked me to explain the empowered feeling and I told him I did better talking about the sad feelings because there were more of those. He smiled at me then…that disarming smile that makes me want to not say another word. The one that reminds me of how I feel and how so much of what it is I am trying to take back isn’t mine to truly take back. That is hard to say and hard to understand unless you have truly felt owned inside and out by another person. It is as if I was trying to play with something that was placed high out of my reach and then I finally got it and didn’t know quite what to do with it.

Richard told me that I was not ever going to see anyone else as perfect for me as long as I had him, as long as I kept him high on a pedestal. His very role in my life lifted him there and here I was trying to tug at his sleeve and ask him to step down when everything thing in my body wanted to keep him right where he was. I told him he was wrong….so wrong. I reminded him that my ability and my habit of taking a man and totally tearing him apart and finding a million reasons why he was not right for me began long before he entered my life. I’d like to give him credit for ruining me for all other men but I can’t. I see it more as my ability…or really as my fear of having one person who is everything to me. There is safety in that but so much danger too. I fear giving my heart and having it handed right back to me. I fear being mistreated, abused…hurt. I can’t get over that. I am finally coming to a place in my life where the fear of all that haunts me is less. It is not filling up as much of my cup as it did before. I am better now. The past couple years have made me better. And now…well, I don’t know what I am going to do with all of that. I don’t know if the past few years of growth and self understanding and acceptance have been all for naught. What can I do with all of that now? Yet…it also makes me wonder if everything I have done in the past couple years has been to get me ready for this. To get me ready for this final stage in my life where I am forced to face all of my demons…both large and small and conquer them once and for all. Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps I just think too much.

That first night back at my house as Richard and I talked I felt something in me break just a little and I realized I was fighting a losing battle. There were really two paths before me. There was one without Richard. I could stay detached and force him from my heart and from my life. I have proven I am capable of forcing people from both. I could allow him to stay there on the fringes of my life and somehow block the color he provides that wants to run into everything I do. Remember those art activities you would do when you were a kid…the watercolor and coffee filter one where it just takes a drop to run across the entire filter and leave it soaked in colors? That is how I feel somehow with Richard. Like I am his filter and his color floods over me and there is no stopping it. So I could accept all of that…keep him there and block the color that has truly lightened my life or I could step boldly off the page and wrap my arms around what I do have of him, what I have left of life, what I have left of me and let myself take as much as I can. I can take as much love and understanding from Richard…I can give as much of myself to him and wouldn’t I be the better person for it? I can find a way to sneak past the feelings that make it bad. The ones that hurt because I only get a small part of his day…I think i am realizing that although I get less of his time I get so much of his thoughts. I never placed as much worth in that as I should have. There is good and bad in that. The good is selfish….because I like being in his mind…in his fantasies, in his imagination and in his heart. The bad side is sort of cut in to two pieces again…bad for L because she is intuitive enough to know that I am on Richard’s mind, that he is thinking of me more than he should and that I am also deep in his heart. And for Richard he has to deal with the fall out of a hurt and angry wife who is aware that there is another woman on her husband’s mind.

And yet…as hard as it has been we have all had moments of great connection and grace that make this bearable for us all.

I think that we have held this together for longer than any of us ever really expected. Although there were times when Richard and I discussed being in each others life for years we know that isn’t the likely outcome. I think something as intense as what he and I share needs to close naturally. I don’t think ownership is something that can just be stopped or taken away. I am not ready for it to be taken away. I am not ready to be set free. It is too easy for him to pull me back over to where he wants me to be.

And yes I know the bad really does outweigh the good. Only when I am with him none of the bad really matters…and isn’t that silly? I know that I am a fixture in his life right now….and even in L’s life. When one of us struggle all of us feel it. L and I have allowed our relationship to become somewhat damaged. It’s been hard on both of us and even though we both know we can both end it at anytime we haven’t. We are going to repair that first….I am going today to visit her and then I am going out to lunch with Richard. We are talking about another photo shoot in October. She thinks we should re-do some shots…so there is progress and then acceptance….and then there is backsliding and doubts….but it always comes back to connecting and understanding and love. I think as long as we have those three components nothing needs to change.

So where am I? Am I owned by Richard. No, I don’t think so. I don’t think it needs a name to be what it is. I am free to date whoever I please and move forward. He is giving me guidance, a steady firm hand and the dominance that I need. He is giving me love and hope and strength and a voice that understands me…all of me. He is also giving me time…as much as he can. And its enough right now to make me feel like I am a true fixture and a necessary element in his life. I believe him now when he tells me his life is better with me in it. I trust him when he tells me that he loves me. All of that sort of snuck up on me and it is the result of the guidance, the steady firm hand..the dominance that I require.

All of that is good. I see all of that as good. Today the scale is saying perhaps the good outweighs the bad. That’s today. And if I have learned nothing from the past couple years…more specifically the past few months it is that today is all that we really have and it is all that truly matters.