Samantha: I have to ask you a question. It’s a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Tonight I feel opened up.
Torn open somehow…and so much of the contents of myself are spread around. I can see them and touch them but I can’t seem to pick them all up and put them back where they belong. I am sitting here right now playing in them…feeling ashamed of some of them and ignoring others. I am resisting the urge to dwell here for the rest of the night.
Tonight was…wow, well it was really something. My evening with Richard. I’ve quit worrying that he is going to stop taking from me what he needs. I feared he would be afraid to hurt me, to take me, to make me and keep me his for all the reasons we both have. Tonight….we spared nothing. Tonight was different and good.
Intense is not the word. I’m not ready to describe it, I can’t. And I say I can’t because it still feels too intimate, too raw. Like I said, I am opened up right now and can’t quite figure out how to close myself back. I was determined tonight to feel everything..to experience his every touch. All of it. So often when he hurts me I allow myself to sweetly drift away where I feel it all on the surface…to where the pain is rushed off someplace else…sub space it is often called.
I don’t want that anymore. Tonight I rejected it. I realized I needed to stop turning inward and I needed to start reaching out. I trust him enough now, maybe I always have. I realized I don’t want to miss one minute of interaction with him, one second, one word or even a breath. I want it all…I want to be able to recall it vividly. My reactions, his expressions…all that we do and say and give and take.
I did a good job of that tonight. Tonight. I was a good submissive to Richard. I’m not always. I think I believed that allowing myself to go away to sub space allowed him that extra level of sadistic pleasure. I realized tonight that we interact better if I stick around for the entire interaction. 🙂
So I did. I rejected the ‘let me detach myself from all of this’ feeling and I turned to him with my need. For all of my needs….there were moments when I was begging for pain…I needed it so badly. And then there were the moments when I needed to feel his breathing to remind me to breathe…and when I needed a soft touch to remind me I was ok. I learned what I really knew all along…that he would meet my need. He would be there for me and not take me over the edge without helping me back up. I learned that detachment isn’t such a safe place and the true intimate experience comes from giving back…by begging…or breathing or laughing together.
So- no detachment. No sub space….then why tonight when all is quiet in my own little world- you know, the one that has Richard ten minutes away from me yet knowing it might as well be miles and miles….why tonight do I feel so opened up and spilled out. I feel like I wasn’t closed back up the whole way.
He called me after we were both home and we were able to talk for almost an hour. As we were talking L TM’ed him….she was out with a friend and they invited him to come out and have a glass of wine with them. Why did this creep into my soul the way it did and spiral me into this dark place? He has often left me after our time together and met her someplace and when he didn’t go out he would just go home and it isn’t like I didn’t know she was there. So why tonight did I flinch? Was it just jealously …that I became acutely aware of how far away he truly was at that very second….and that I needed him so badly. It isn’t as if I want to deny her the comfort of her husband….I mean after all she had to think all night about Richard being with me. So it wasn’t about that. It was about my own mind….and feelings. My needs…and I don’t always pay a lot of attention to them.
It made me feel like he was able to just turn it all off…and act as if everything was normal, as if we hadn’t just experienced what we did. I told him that I continue to feel him…to feel the collar at my throat or the cane against my body long after we walk away from each other. I can’t imagine leaving him and going to meet Liam…or Jackson…or Boston. It just made me feel…well, it made me wish I had allowed myself the safety of the feeling detached. I am telling myself…the bad with the good. There is still more good. I just need it right after the other I guess…lol.
I need a slower decent into reality.
He told me tonight that after being with me he feels as if there is a shell around him, he feels hardened after leaving me. He struggles to make it home- not wanting to change head spaces so quickly. He said he feels me with him for days after seeing me. For days he can’t stomach L’s touch. He refuses to speak about what we do when he goes home. I understand his need to close that off before going home. Though in the moments or hours afterwards (depending on our time) that I have him a person could not be more loving or nurturing. I have never felt more loved or more cherished that I have when being held by Richard. I realize it must be hard to close all that off and go home. He tries to act normal but it is hard.
I just feel like I am entirely left out of that equation. I don’t feel normal again. I don’t feel like all of what he opened up in me was closed. How do I do that? How do I enjoy all that we share and not let this dreadful consuming pain ruin it? I’ve been here before….it always goes away. I know that. But how…right now in the midst of it all what can make it feel better? Is it remembering our hours together earlier and all that we did…all that he said..all that we both felt. When we said to each other that noone could ever truly understand how we feel or what we give to each other. Or- is it forgetting? Is it coming home and acting like I am not Owned like he can act as if he isn’t an Owner. Do I make plans to meet another after serving him…? Would that bring me back to good, back to normal? Do I try to detach myself from all of the pleasure just to take away or at least avoid some of this throbbing pain I feel right now. Is this just classic sub drop?
I asked him to let me get off the phone with him tonight early. I was afraid my tears and emotional sort of submissive drop would ruin what we had shared. He knows me too well…he knows my voice and my sadness and tried his best to talk me through it. Eventually though he sent me on to bed and he is calling here to tuck me in pretty soon.
I welcome that. I need to sleep and I hope I can. I hope I can get to the place where I can take and give and take and give….and be the submissive that Richard has taught me to be without letting all the girl emotional stuff get in my way. How can you detach yourself from that?
Is it as simple as needing to see him again soon after so he can make sure I am all closed up. Do I ask to see him tomorrow..should I have to ask? Does he even understand this feeling or what it takes from me to do what I do…? I don’t know. Is it as simple as planning time to allow he and I to be normal together after spending hours with him as the sadist and me as a masochist. I think I need that, I know I need that. I think that I need to require that. Can I make a demand like that…can I say to my Owner….If this is going to work for me….if you want me to feel safe enough to give you what I gave you tonight I need to be left all closed up. Can I ask that….expect that….hope for that? Can I demand that he give me that much time? And if not can I find the courage to not put myself through another downward spiral like tonight? I am Owned by him…his submissive..and I adore him. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him.
Yet…do I the right to say what I need if my need is more of his time….if my need changes the ‘rules’ or makes it harder for him at home? Is that fair? Is it fair not to ask? And isn’t it not asking…not expecting and not getting what I need that always loops us back around to the end of the circle where we face the bad outweighing the good? So do I not owe Richard and myself the truth…and if the truth is being more clear with my needs….isn’t that a good thing?
I’m not blaming him. We said goodbye tonight with a smile and a kiss…neither of us wanting to leave. Both of us reveling in what we had just felt. It was me who had to get home tonight early.
Yet…he was somehow able to close it all up.
I can’t do that all alone.