I was kneeling. It felt right. I had that feeling where everything in my mind feels as if it has a warm hand folded over it. There was a softness in Richard’s voice and in his eyes when he touched me and I am sure he could read how much I had missed him in my own. It was as if we had both spent a little bit of time on the other side of each other and didn’t really like it and had somehow found a way back where we belonged. The hands that were touching me mirrored the wonder in his face as we realized how amazing it felt to be together again.
We had visited the night before; he was back tonight. We had talked then and I remember it feeling a little awkward. I was not strong I had told him the night before. I told him while he was away I worked really hard at not needing him. I even spent some time wistfully wondering where I would be right now if I had obeyed him that very first night I met him. The night he leaned into my car and touched my face and half jokingly warned me not to fall in love with him. I still remember driving away thinking how arrogant he was, saying aloud to myself that I should be warning him of the same thing.
I told him I had done a good job of placing myself in a good place in his absence. Too good he said with a wistful smile though I knew part of him was happy for me; happy that I had been able to be so strong while he was away. The moment he walked in and sat down I knew the awkwardness of the night before was gone. I also knew that everything I had firmed up in my head regarding the two of us would serve a purpose. I was not quite sure what that purpose would be but I knew the angst that I carried with me while he was gone only made me both cherish what we have and realize that although I choose not to I can live without it.
I walked downstairs as he was walking into my home. He hugged me tight and I felt comforted just having him in the same room. I always feel stronger, safer somehow when he is near me. I asked him to sit down and when he did I naturally knelt between his knees and leaned into him. He wrapped his arms around me and cuddled me there for a few minutes.
“I love you pixie.” He told me and I knew it was true. I stopped doubting that a long time ago. I also believe that if we were to spread it all out and stand back it would be clear that we truly do bring more good to the other than bad. As I knelt there in front of him all the good drifted around us both and it kept us in that warm all together place that is right and good and rare.
I was wearing a short white babydoll nightgown. It was modest and quite innocent looking, I knew he would like it. His hands were on my shoulders and all over my skin. He had missed me as much as I had missed him. We sat that way for quite awhile and talked. It is natural for me to be with him like that. Kneeling I mean. It feels right to both of us. As we talked his hands were never still. There was not really anything deep we needed to discuss. The night before had been the heavy conversation where we decided what we needed from the other.
I learned somethings while he was gone about myself. I saw for the first time that I was not doing a very good job of following through with Richard’s initial expectations of both L and I. One of the first guidelines he provided to me when we were all trying to figure out how to build this three legged stool is that we only need to focus on what we need and not what the other is getting. I had lost that somehow and found myself too distracted by the time I was not getting of Richard’s. The time that really should be given to his wife, time that even if he was available to me I couldn’t of offered him. I realized that it wasn’t so much that I wasn’t getting what I needed from him as much as it was just I was not getting what I needed from my life in general, even outside of him that was giving me that unfulfilled feeling.
I honestly do not want to cause trouble between them.
This is jumping a bit forward but the three of us spent the past weekend together. One of the things we did together was see a movie that talked about a couple in a relationship that was always missing something. It was a deep and loving and intense relationship but it was missing an ingredient. Later that night as we all sort of just relaxed and talked L mentioned that scene of the movie. She told me that is what I was to her, that is how she was able to see me have a part in her marriage. I added ‘salt’…a flavor that was lacking….and I added ‘tint’ a slight change of color that changed the entire scene. She understood that and had found a way to appreciate it.
I think I am seeing around some corners now that I wasn’t able to before. I feel good, and strong and deeply attached to Richard right now and what he gives me. I feel less needy and more secure with him. I know there are bumps…there are some yet to come but I think for the first time nobody is hanging off the edge getting ready to jump.