Samantha: I have to ask you a question. It’s a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Jerry: Never.

-The Mexican



Tonight I feel opened up.

Torn open somehow…and so much of the contents of myself are spread around. I can see them and touch them but I can’t seem to pick them all up and put them back where they belong. I am sitting here right now playing in them…feeling ashamed of some of them and ignoring others. I am resisting the urge to dwell here for the rest of the night.

Tonight was…wow, well it was really something. My evening with Richard. I’ve quit worrying that he is going to stop taking from me what he needs. I feared he would be afraid to hurt me, to take me, to make me and keep me his for all the reasons we both have. Tonight….we spared nothing. Tonight was different and good.

Intense is not the word. I’m not ready to describe it, I can’t. And I say I can’t because it still feels too intimate, too raw. Like I said, I am opened up right now and can’t quite figure out how to close myself back. I was determined tonight to feel everything..to experience his every touch. All of it. So often when he hurts me I allow myself to sweetly drift away where I feel it all on the surface…to where the pain is rushed off someplace else…sub space it is often called.

I don’t want that anymore. Tonight I rejected it. I realized I needed to stop turning inward and I needed to start reaching out. I trust him enough now, maybe I always have. I realized I don’t want to miss one minute of interaction with him, one second, one word or even a breath. I want it all…I want to be able to recall it vividly. My reactions, his expressions…all that we do and say and give and take.

I did a good job of that tonight. Tonight. I was a good submissive to Richard. I’m not always. I think I believed that allowing myself to go away to sub space allowed him that extra level of sadistic pleasure. I realized tonight that we interact better if I stick around for the entire interaction. 🙂

So I did. I rejected the ‘let me detach myself from all of this’ feeling and I turned to him with my need. For all of my needs….there were moments when I was begging for pain…I needed it so badly. And then there were the moments when I needed to feel his breathing to remind me to breathe…and when I needed a soft touch to remind me I was ok. I learned what I really knew all along…that he would meet my need. He would be there for me and not take me over the edge without helping me back up. I learned that detachment isn’t such a safe place and the true intimate experience comes from giving back…by begging…or breathing or laughing together.

So- no detachment. No sub space….then why tonight when all is quiet in my own little world- you know, the one that has Richard ten minutes away from me yet knowing it might as well be miles and miles….why tonight do I feel so opened up and spilled out. I feel like I wasn’t closed back up the whole way.

He called me after we were both home and we were able to talk for almost an hour. As we were talking L TM’ed him….she was out with a friend and they invited him to come out and have a glass of wine with them. Why did this creep into my soul the way it did and spiral me into this dark place? He has often left me after our time together and met her someplace and when he didn’t go out he would just go home and it isn’t like I didn’t know she was there. So why tonight did I flinch? Was it just jealously …that I became acutely aware of how far away he truly was at that very second….and that I needed him so badly. It isn’t as if I want to deny her the comfort of her husband….I mean after all she had to think all night about Richard being with me. So it wasn’t about that. It was about my own mind….and feelings. My needs…and I don’t always pay a lot of attention to them.

It made me feel like he was able to just turn it all off…and act as if everything was normal, as if we hadn’t just experienced what we did. I told him that I continue to feel him…to feel the collar at my throat or the cane against my body long after we walk away from each other. I can’t imagine leaving him and going to meet Liam…or Jackson…or Boston. It just made me feel…well, it made me wish I had allowed myself the safety of the feeling detached. I am telling myself…the bad with the good. There is still more good. I just need it right after the other I guess…lol.

I need a slower decent into reality.

He told me tonight that after being with me he feels as if there is a shell around him, he feels hardened after leaving me. He struggles to make it home- not wanting to change head spaces so quickly. He said he feels me with him for days after seeing me. For days he can’t stomach L’s touch.  He refuses to speak about what we do when he goes home. I understand his need to close that off before going home. Though in the moments or hours afterwards (depending on our time) that I have him a person could not be more loving or nurturing. I have never felt more loved or more cherished that I have when being held by Richard. I realize it must be hard to close all that off and go home. He tries to act normal but it is hard.

I just feel like I am entirely left out of that equation. I don’t feel normal again. I don’t feel like all of what he opened up in me was closed. How do I do that? How do I enjoy all that we share and not let this dreadful consuming pain ruin it? I’ve been here before….it always goes away. I know that. But how…right now in the midst of it all what can make it feel better? Is it remembering our hours together earlier and all that we did…all that he said..all that we both felt. When we said to each other that noone could ever truly understand how we feel or what we give to each other. Or- is it forgetting? Is it coming home and acting like I am not Owned like he can act as if he isn’t an Owner. Do I make plans to meet another after serving him…? Would that bring me back to good, back to normal? Do I try to detach myself from all of the pleasure just to take away or at least avoid some of this throbbing pain I feel right now. Is this just classic sub drop?

I asked him to let me get off the phone with him tonight early. I was afraid my tears and emotional sort of submissive drop would ruin what we had shared. He knows me too well…he knows my voice and my sadness and tried his best to talk me through it. Eventually though he sent me on to bed and he is calling here to tuck me in pretty soon.

I welcome that. I need to sleep and I hope I can. I hope I can get to the place where I can take and give and take and give….and be the submissive that Richard has taught me to be without letting all the girl emotional stuff get in my way. How can you detach yourself from that?

Is it as simple as needing to see him again soon after so he can make sure I am all closed up. Do I ask to see him tomorrow..should I have to ask? Does he even understand this feeling or what it takes from me to do what I do…? I don’t know. Is it as simple as planning time to allow he and I to be normal together after spending hours with him as the sadist and me as a masochist. I think I need that, I know I need that. I think that I need to require that. Can I make a demand like that…can I say to my Owner….If this is going to work for me….if you want me to feel safe enough to give you what I gave you tonight I need to be left all closed up. Can I ask that….expect that….hope for that? Can I demand that he give me that much time? And if not can I find the courage to not put myself through another downward spiral like tonight? I am Owned by him…his submissive..and I adore him. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him.

Yet…do I the right to say what I need if my need is more of his time….if my need changes the ‘rules’ or makes it harder for him at home? Is that fair? Is it fair not to ask? And isn’t it not asking…not expecting and not getting what I need that always loops us back around to the end of the circle where we face the bad outweighing the good? So do I not owe Richard and myself the truth…and if the truth is being more clear with my needs….isn’t that a good thing?

I’m not blaming him. We said goodbye tonight with a smile and a kiss…neither of us wanting to leave. Both of us reveling in what we had just felt. It was me who had to get home tonight early.

Yet…he was somehow able to close it all up.

I can’t do that all alone.


16 thoughts on “opened

  1. Pixie Pie..

    Of course you should tell Richard how you feel and what you need from him does that mean you will get what you want? Who knows if you don’t ask Richard ? Perhaps he will be able to give you more. R has changed the rules to your liking before even though it didn’t please L so maybe he will again.

    I know when my Master gets called away even if I’ve had a full day with Him the jealousy bug can hit me so hard it takes my breath away for no reason at all..Master once said that can be the way of a submissive she gives and gives to her Dom and is so focus on Him, when He must leave her it can take a while for her to refocus that engery she just gave to Him, and when anyone or anything breaks that connection( like when you were on the phone to R) it sometimes causes a downward sprial of jealousy like you had when L text R..it not really a normal sub drop..but its a drop none the less.. When this happens to me I put on music allow myself a good cry and a cup of hotted tea..
    As far a Richard closing up more quckly than you don’t for a mintue think it’s easier for him
    remeber he is a man and though they feel just as deeply as we do they still think differently..

    I wonder if it is possible that your jealousy bug hit because there would 3rd party that wasn’t you even though it was a friend? Could that friend be the reason you got so upset? I mean when R goes home to L ,she has always been alone waiting for his return or meets him alone?

    I hope tomorrow will be a brighter day for you..*hugs*

    His fawn

  2. What an intense posting. i know that i have had those twinges of feelings if my Owner has had to leave to do something away from home. i also try to use that time to focus…focus on my inner calm, and have found that it seems to help a bit.

    Nothing makes it go away…that’s for sure…just hope you know that so many people have those feelings…we’re not immune from that just because we are submissive or slaves.

    Yep…you’re not alone.

    Thank you for sharing this with your readers.


  3. He’s not giving you what you need to be completely happy. That’s it. You need an Owner who can be there for you at all times.. when you need him the most is MOST important. I don’t think being owned means you are a piece of property that can be put on a shelf and ignored till they want to give you attention. I know some subs feel that way. I know some subs are quite happy being just an object… but you are not that kind of person and i see you trying to be that kind of person. One who feels nothing for herself and only for her Owner. One who ignores her own needs and sits in misery justifying everything, but never convinced. Submission comes in many shapes and forms.. there is no “right” or “wrong” way to submit… just your own way. You are not a mindless object.. why would you want to be? Talk to Richard and tell him how you feel. I’m sorry Pixie, but it’s not going to change anything. In the end, Richard can not make you happy the way you deserve to be. He makes you happy and completes you when the two of you are together of interact, but when you are apart.. and that is a BIG “apart” .. well, then you are left alone. I have been in a relationship before…where he was married .. sure our times together were wonderful and thats what made me hold on for so long… but when he had to leave quickly to go back to her, when I had to sit in alone for days, with no word from him at all, when the tears poured down my face as I looked at the phone and said how much I hated him… well.. it just didn’t seem worth it anymore. Eventually, I had to let him go and do what was best for me.. and it hurt like hell… but now I am at a happier place.. much happier and with a wonderful man. Pixie, don’t deny yourself your emotions and feelings. You are not a mindless woman.. you are a WOMAN. You are going to feel for Richard.. you love him. You just have to decide if the pain is worth continuing with him, because, I’m sorry again to say this.. things cannot change. I don’t think there is anything that Richard could do to make this situation any easier or better. Much love to you Pixie. You are always in my thoughts…. *hugs and gentle kisses*

  4. If you feel you need more aftercare,(and pleeease forgive me for using that term, because I really hate the notion of aftercare, but not I don’t seem to be as eloquent as you pixie) and if L feels Richard is closed up for hours after seeing you, it seems to me that you both (women) lose.

    Why doesn’t L let Richard stay with you long enough to help you come down gently… since L doesn’t “have” Richard those first several hours he when comes home to her anyway?

    Just a thought.


  5. an afterthought on this too, is that Richard would benefit as well. He would be able to process things with you and then not have to be so necessarily closed-off when he finally returns to L.

  6. pixie,
    you are brave for being so open about your feelings and needs. Richard knows about this blog and reads everything you say. That alone should tell you that you should feel safe in telling him what you need.
    Considering what you are giving to Richard (and how you feel about each other) it is more than appropriate for you to need the bulk of that one evening you share.
    Wishing you the best and lots of luck and strength pixie.

  7. “I need a slower decent into reality.”

    You know your own heart and mind so well. If Richard wants and needs this to work he can make this better and easier for you. I believe that else the both of you would not have hung around together this long. I do not see you as asking for too much. A closure of an intense scene is necessary. You need to interact doing something afterwards that will give you a sense of normalacy. Dinner, movie, a drink, a walk. I have been there and without that you often never get both feet back on the ground without a lot of pain.

    Tell him what you need. It benefits him too and in the long run it will even benefit L if she is really committed to making this work.

  8. pixie, you have captured the feelings beautifully, if achingly. We have let our plan to do something “normal” after an intense scene slip away – we need to start doing that again. And as you told me later, it was a horrible idea for you to leave the hotel alone before me – we know that our parting is hard, we know how hard it was standing outside the apartment and saying good bye. I never should have let you leave alone, even if I had to go back up to the room to pack up. So two simple things – both of which we already knew about – would have helped you this night. We just need to DO them. And yes, we know the problem – you go home alone – won’t be so easily fixed, but at least we can do some things to minimize the effects of our separation, rather than maximize them. It doesn’t matter which of us has to be somewhere else, we just need to make the time for “closing you up” to use your words.

    And as we have discussed, it is very noticeable to L that I am not “normal” when I return home. I am never fully normal until the next morning at the earliest. The difference, I think, is I seem better able to get there than you, and that is probably because, as the Dom, I do not make myself so vulnerable as you do. I am in charge, taking, using, owning. You are giving it all, and opening yourself up, and putting yourself in a state of complete vulnerability. Surely a harder place to come back from.

    Thank you for being so open and honest with these feelings. You know I am committed to finding a way to make this better. Love you, pie,

  9. This is the most fascinating yet kinkiest twisted love story I have ever encountered.
    R, you also express yourself beautifuly. I look forward to hearing more from you.

  10. See Pixie,

    You asked and Richard listen and is going find a way to make sure you are close up…Yeah Richard.. Smile Pixie !

  11. Dear pixie,
    What makes you think that you are going to get anything above and beyond what Richard gives or gave to any of the other women who have been in his life? This is what always makes me shake my head at your apparent ‘misconceptions’. I use that word because not knowing you on a personal level I don’t know if it should be blamed on innocence or stupidity.
    Nine out of ten people who read your blog see Richard for who he is. Selfish. Self serving. Manipulative.
    You have some how romanticized this pixie. You have given it another name. You call it ownership. He lets you. I don’t know who makes this worse.

    If you were not so manipulative yourself I would feel sorry for you.

  12. I think I’ve mentioned here plenty of times in comments that I dated my M for about a year and each time there would be long weeks between our visits. The depth of our love and connection, the depth of the exchange was usually very profound. It was hard for us both to return to our normal lives…as you say.

    We began to form a ritual together…one of the things we did was make love without the bdsm for awhile before parting…just being two people who love each other sharing pleasure in this normalizing vanilla way. It was connection without profound vulnerability. Intimacy that touched normalcy.

    And just before we left each other, no matter which of us left the room first, we would hold each other and do our tantric breathing. A whole lot of things got accomplished by that, but the most important is it brought me back into my soul power. It changed the connection from an inside of Us connection to something more cosmic, in which I was reminded that M was not the only source which feeds me and loves me…that this Source speaks through my M and I can access it always. It helped me. At the same time, it restored my energy boundaries…because subdrop is all about the fact that you’ve made yourself an open vessel, a hollow bone for Him and now you need to be a contained entity again energetically. The tantric breathing restored the energy container for me. Our rituals didn’t solve all the emotions involved for me, because, as both Mina and Richard said, you are going home alone and this relationship does not meet all your needs…

    It sounds like you and Richard have given some thought to this issue for you before. I hope you find that resuming these efforts will sort you out well. Blessings and hugs to you gentle pixie. *smiles*

  13. Richard,

    Nice try, but in the end .. you still get to go home and be with someone. You still have a committed life partner in your wife. You get to go home and have loving company with you, to help you through your emotions, or maybe distract you from them.. but in the end.. Pixie is alone. She has no one to go home to but her thoughts and emotions, and even if she wanted to have someone to go home to .. well, that’s not going to happen since you always find a way to restrict her dating and ruin her relationships. Yes, I realize that in the end, these men very well could not be right for Pixie.. but shouldn’t she make that choice? How was she ever supposed to try something with someone when you put restrictions on her “dating”. If that’s how you feel about it.. why did you let her date in the first place? She was never able to put her mind and emotions into someone else, because you consumed her. And if thats the way you guys want it.. that is all ok by me.. but if you both seriously want her to date.. Richard you have to let her.

  14. here here!

    Don’t get me wrong. I have a tremendous admiration for Richard. I don’t doubt how much he loves her (dont you love how we talk about you pix like you arent here) but there is A LOT of what is good for R here.
    I do think pixie has been made to be to vulnerable by him (or for him) and everytime she gets close to the edge he pulls her back. Or to give him some credit she falls back into him and he lets her. Thats her nature, isn’t it?
    I think he is being earnest when he says he wants to make it easier for her. But why? How self serving is that? She even says she is telling him what she needs so she doesnt end up back at the place where the bad is bigger than the good.
    On the other hand pixie is not a little girl. She can sometimes feel like one (charming :))She clings to him because he is safe and that can’t be bad.
    I dont think he has made it impossoible for her to date. I think he may push her just far enough to let her get a taste of life with him playing a lesser role and she just isnt ready.
    You cant blame him for holding on. Her too.

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