bdsm · bondage · caning · D/s · S/M · spanking

two years…can we celebrate with a de-lurk?

pixiepies secret’s is celebrating its 2nd birthday today….i can hardly believe it. 2 years.

so much has changed in 2 years….so much has happened. thank you my wonderful….wonderful readers for being here for me. for listening and responding…cheering me on…sharing my smiles and my tears. this has been an amazing journey….wow, two years.

this blog has given me so much…it is more than an outlet to pour pieces of myself into…it is comfort and warmth and a soft place to fall into when i need one. thank you to everyone who has contributed to pp secrets these past two years. i often skim back through and read old posts…old comments and i am struck by how real it all is…how much emotion is spread out over two years of love and loss…where i have been and how far i’ve come…the endless snapshots of pain and joy that have confused even the most sensitive reader. there is so much here. so much of me here. thank you again.

It is against all odds….but who thinks i should shoot for another 2 years?

now on with the show…lol

i have lots of new stuff to post..things i have written and have been sitting on…etc. please be patient as i organize my thoughts and get it all posted. oh…and i hate this new format too…give me a day or so to find something new.

**OK…so this format is more reflective of me I think….the green was just horrible and isn’t there something holidayish about this one?


Missing R

“There is no more lively sensation than that of pain; its impressions are certain and dependable, they never deceive as may those of the pleasure women perpetually feign and almost never experience.”
~ Marquis de Sade

Wow……I just realized my stats are over 300,000. Thanks to all my readers!!

My mind is distracting me. My body right now is a little weak yet my mind busy, my spirit strong, my urges irrepressible.

I need to give myself to my Owner.

The urge to serve him is as strong as it ever was. I hate that he is far away. I am lacking an outlet for all of this energy and I find it close to painful. Sometimes I sit and think about all that he and I have done together. All the nights where he took me right to the edge and held me dangling just over. How I love those moments with him where there is just no question that I belong to him. The moments where his hands are free to hurt me, bruise me, make me bleed.

My body feels a little empty right now…he is gone and I need to feel his hands on me. It is true pain. I can’t make it go away. It seems as if emotionally I am dealing with his absence this time far better than I am dealing with it physically. I miss him, I ache with missing him yet I know he will come back and love me. I will still be his and there will be nothing to stop us from being together. I have a handle on that. Yet physically I am struggling with my need to be touched, to be hurt.

I think about him putting me on my stomach and stretching my arms and legs so he can attach them together. I think about watching his fingers on my nipples as he pulls them out far from my body and twists them until I have to cry out…or when he can so easily flip me over and bring his hand down on my bottom over and over until I am burning with the pain of his hand and the ache between my legs is painful. I think about his cane and how it looks so natural in his hand and the look he gets on his face when he is using it on me. I also think about the strong desire that overwhelms me when I so desperately want to please him.

I want him to come home and touch me…I want him to hurt me and use me.

I want him to take me to places where he has only warned me about. I want to go to that dark place he only teases me with sometimes. I want to know that I have offered my full self to him before I go away forever.

I have a few weeks left until he comes back to me. After Thanksgiving. How will I wait that long?


dedicated post.

He stood just more than two feet away from the girl kneeling in front of him. She was looking down, her dark eyes examining some imaginary piece of dirt on the hard wood floor beneath her. She was still dressed. Upon entering the room he immediately instructed her to kneel. She obeyed him and slipped gracefully to the floor where she knelt prettily her unbound arms above her head, her delicate fingers laced together.

He walked around her and stood slightly off to the side as if assessing her from all angles. She shifted just a little to watch him as she was a little unsure of his intent.

“I rarely punish you. You rarely give me cause and I have no desire to play that game with you. Tonight is not a punishing you. You please me, you are pleasing me now. Tonight is about pain. Your pain and I crave it tonight.”

She squirmed a little and he could hear her breathing quicken and he knew his words were both arousing and frightening to her. He had hurt her before, many times in fact and yet there was something different in his mind tonight. He felt a stark callousness towards his submissive tonight that had nothing to do with his true and deep feelings for her. There was a raw almost primitive need inside of him that had been growing. He owned her. She was his to do with as he pleased and he saw no good reason to not take advantage of the gift before him.

“Stand up.” She obeyed him and stood up as gracefully as she had knelt. He noticed the redness on her knees from the hard floor and he noted to himself even that slight discoloration on her skin that he caused thrilled him. He was going to rough with her tonight both in his words and with his hands. She kept her hands laced together above her head and looked at him with eyes that were filled with trust and a little fear.

“It is good to be a little scared of me, isn’t it?” He stood in front of her and ran his hands down over her body possessively, roughly loving the feel of her even above her clothing. The white shirt she was wearing has small buttons on it and one by one he opened her top baring her soft white skin, He slid the cotton down on her shoulders and pulled her bra down so that her small but sweetly firm breasts were displayed. Moments like this he often fought the urge to gently suck and kiss her nipples. No gentleness tonight.

He attached two metal clamps to her small nipples. The steel was sharp and biting and with any encouragement from him or any resistance from her they would break her skin. She moaned and tossed her head back a little trying to stay on top of the sudden pain that jumped around her chest. His hands cupped her breasts and shook them hard back and forth causing the metal to tighten and pull. He slapped each breast hard watching her face, watching her eyes and knowing she was his. Knowing this pain would be slight compared to where his mind was already taking her. He slapped each breast again and again noticing with great pleasure that her nipples were bleeding slightly. He pulled on the clamps and felt her sway as if the pain was almost too much.

“Undress for me.” With shaky hands she pulled off her blouse and bra and he took them from her. Her skirt and panties followed and he tossed everything to the side. Naked now she stood in front of him. Her small breasts were red from his hands and her nipples looked as if they were already raw. By her hair he pulled her down to her knees and kicked her legs apart. He pressed her chest down to the floor so her bottom was in the air. When her breast made contact with the hard floor she almost screamed out in pain. He closed his eyes and tried to absorb the beauty of that sound.

He pressed her harder into the floor knowing the clamps were tearing into her delicate skin. She moaned.

“Sit up you little cunt. Tell me what you are.” he said his hand around her throat.

“A cunt, your cunt Sir.”

“Good girl, good cunt.” he said emphasizing the word. His hand slipped between her legs and encountered her dripping wetness. He loved her responsiveness to him…her eagerness to please him. “What a wet cunt you are…what a bad little cunt you are for getting this wet. Aren’t you?” He slapped her face hard four or five times keeping his other hand stroking her cunt. She was pressing against him and was almost ready to cum when he stopped. Hard hands pushed her and she fell backwards onto the bed. He straddled her and pulled again on the metal clamps watching the sharp teeth pinch into already bloodied skin.

Giving them a quick and final twist he removed them. This time she did scream. His fingers were pinching and twisting her tormented nipples as she thrashed beneath him.

He slapped her face again this time harder and he told her to hold still.

“I am not even close to being finished with you.” He replaced the metal clamps with tight wooden clothes pins. He didn’t stop with her nipples. He covered her breast with clothes pins…he added some down her side and right beneath her arms where he knew the skin was incredibly sensitive.

“Roll over.” She rolled onto her stomach arching up suddenly against the pain from the clothes pins biting into her skin. He lay on top of her pressing his weight into her causing the pins to pull and bite. Her nipples were agony for her and she moaned and begged him to stop.

He pressed her face into the bed and imagined she couldn’t breathe. He pressed it harder down into the soft bedding and felt the resistance as she struggled to find fresh air. He felt a great power from his control and domination of her. He released her and he reveled in the sounds of her gasping for air as she lifted her head.

He had about three more dozen clothes pins and he added them to the skin on her back. He created a straight line directly down her spine and added the rest to the backs of her thighs. He left her bottom bare knowing he had other plans for it.

“I want you to get up and then crawl into the bathroom for me. I have a special treat for my cunt today.”

She gingerly slid off the bed and crawled towards the large bathroom. Her every move sent pain rippling through her body. It was a good pain she realized, it was the kind of pain that fed that dark part of her. She loved it. She loved it when he stopped her mid crawl to spank her bottom hard…that he reached around her and pulled on the pins attached to her nipples. She loved this pain that pulled her submission out. His hand landed harder and harder on her bottom until she felt herself scoot along a little on the hard floor from its force. He spanked her again and again and she lifted her bottom to him and she was thankful for every time his hand made contact with her skin.

“You need to work on your crawling.” He said this as the spanking slowed. He left her for a second and returned with her heavy black collar. He laced it around her neck and then added the lead to it. She was humiliated. He loved it.

“Now you truly are a pet, my pet.” He pulled hard on her leash forcing her head against the floor. Her chest again against the hardness of the wood beneath her..and he spanked her again.

They finally made it to the bathroom and she liked the cool feeling of the tile on her knees. He attached her leash to the hook on the back of the bathroom door and had her bend over the bathtub. “Do you know what I am going to do to you?”


“First I am going to remove some of these clothes pins.” He savagely yanked three from her back and then three more before she had the chance to recover. He was thrilled that she was so well trained that she held her position. Her cry of pain was still in his ears and he knew there would be more of that. It was the only reason he didn’t gag her.

She heard him begin to unbuckle his belt. She knew that sound and she knew what it meant. The next sound she heard was the leather slipping out from the buckles and again she heard the metal buckle chime.

“This is what I am going to do. Now be a good little girl for me and listen. I am going to beat you with my belt. Hard. So hard you will be begging me to stop. Then I am going to turn you over and beat your breasts with my belt. I am going to beat off all the clothes pins except for the ones on your nipples. Get used to them they aren’t going anywhere. After that I am going to do something I have waited a long time to do. I am going to give you an enema. That’s right….I am going to fill your little ass up with warm water and then plug you up real tight. What does my little cunt think of that? Three holes, remember…that is what you are. Say it to me.” He watched her squirm over the high bathtub and he knew the clothes pins were still hurting her. His cock ached and he needed to be inside of her.

“I am your three holes Sir.”

“Tell me again.” And she did. “I can do anything to you, can’t I? My own little slut…my wet dripping pain slut.” He brought the belt down across her back leaving a ladder of redness the entire way to her bottom. He doubled the belt over and beat her bottom with it until it was so red it appeared almost shiny. She whimpered and begged him to stop and he made her beg him for more. He used the belt on the backs of her legs where the clothes pins were still attached. He was relentless in his swing and soon the cushion the clothes pins gave was gone as the pins flew off her red thighs. He continued to punish her loving the sound of leather against skin. He caught her by the hair and pulled her off the side of the tub and down onto the floor. She was on her back and he stood over her. “Cunt.” he whispered before using the single strap of the belt to knock off the clothes pins that hadn’t already came off.

He placed his foot against her throat and pressed down just hard enough to restrict her breathing a little. She kept her hands on the floor and never tried to move his foot. She was struggling for air but he wasn’t ready to release her. Instead he leaned down and pulled up on the clothes pins still on her nipples. She gave a gargled almost silent scream and he lifted his foot long enough to she could draw a ragged breath before once again placing it on her throat. He pulled again on the clothes pins twisting them roughly loving the sounds she was making as he hurt her. He straddled her again right there on the bathroom floor. His hands pulled at her nipples…smacking her breasts over and over. The feel of her squirming and moaning in pain beneath him was incredible. He ripped off the clothes pins just so he could put them back on. He did this two or three times until her nipples were purple and swollen. He put them back on and left.

He lifted her head up slightly and pressed his cock against her lips. He fucked her mouth hard….thrusting in deep until she almost gagged. He thrust in as deep as he could and held his cock in her mouth forcing her to take all of him. “Good cunt” he said pulling out and wiping his cock across her face loving the shame that flashed in her eyes. “Are you ready for your enema?”

She shook her head slightly and said no…that she was embarrassed, scared.

He wanted her that way…this was uncharted territory for her. It wasn’t as if he was into this type of dynamic…but he was into humiliating her and this was certainly a great way to make that happen.

He had her lay across the tub again. He slipped a dry finger into her bottom causing her to cry out a little. He pressed it deeper into her and then made her ask for it. “Where is my finger slut?”

“It is in my ass…”

“Ask me to give you an enema…tell me my little girl needs her daddy to get her all cleaned up. Say it?”

She stumbled a little but she obeyed him…loving the daddy little girl dynamic he threw in.

“Please daddy.” she repeated. “please give your little girl an enema…please Sir.”



make it last

I turned the corner after exiting the elevator and walked the short length of the hallway towards where I knew Richard was waiting for me. He stood in the doorway with his arms crossed and watched me walk towards him. I restrained myself and did not hop or leap towards him in my excitement to see him. It was so amazingly wonderful to see him. It had only been a few days since I had seen him but it always seems like a week or a month. He is going away this weekend and will be out of the country for a little over a month. I am filled with sadness knowing he is going away from me. I am going to miss him with everything inside of me. I am going to miss them both…lots and lots. On the other hand I know why he has to go away and I know that when he returns he will still want me and need me. I also know that when he goes away I go with him. I tease him sometimes that I am in his pocket and that he can just carry me around with him. Oh…I can only imagine how that would really feel lol….all snuggled up to some of my favorite spots. I like that….I like the almost newly found security that he can go away and not forget me. Though I am not silly enough to not worry he will go away with L and decide he does not need me….that I am more of a nuisance than anything else. Of course I get a little bit afraid. I also get scared that I will somehow move past that need…and we will be able to let each other go. Then I get frightened because I don’t know for sure if that would be the worst possible thing for either of us.

I walked up to him and he hugged me tightly. I literally melted into him and moments like that convince me it would be the worst possible thing to not have him in my life. It was so nice to see his face and see happiness in it. He has this way of looking at me…and I am not even sure if he realizes it but it is compelling and addicting. We walked into the room together and he spent another few long minutes just holding me. Again…..there are times when I am amazed at how gentle and loving he is with me. He is so patient and nurturing…all of that aides my submission to him. It creates that safety net beneath me when my submission has me so high….I know that when I am pulled into his cruelty there is still something more.

“Let me hold you…come sit on my lap.” he said sitting in a large overstuffed chair. I sat on his leg and he pulled me close to him and settled my head against his chest. I feel so safe there with him. So strange…I am sitting on the lap of the most sadistic person I have ever known and he is cradling me gently and whispering words that are hard for me to even hear. I tell him I am sleepy and he holds me a little tighter.

“You can sleep a little later.” he tells me. “First of all I want to see the pretty new lingerie you are wearing.” His voice was tender with only a hint of that edge that I wait for…that little edge he gets to his voice when he is looking for a little bit of control. I worry about my Owner right now…that he will hold back. That he won’t take what he needs from me….when in some ways I need it now more than ever. He ads something to my life that I am so thankful to have found…so lucky to be living. I stood up and started to undress for him. He laughs a little when I shyly look away and rewards me again with that indulgent look that I adore.

Beneath my clothes I wore the prettiest red lacey boy short panties and matching demi bra. I am not too sure about my body now in front of him. I have lost a lot of weight. I always wonder what he thinks of me….

His eyes and his voice tell me that he thinks I am beautiful and I lose my shyness right as he pulls me back on his lap. He holds me a little longer and then I ask him for permission to go shower. “Not yet.” he tells me before instructing me to lie across his knees. Right away my stomach flips. I love being over his lap…it is the most intimate of spankings. He has full access to my entire body and he wickedly takes advantage of it. He tells me he can hear my heart beating against his leg. He spanks me hard….a solid spanking that has me squirming after the first couple strokes. I know he delights in watching my skin go from pink to red and the dark impressions of his hand. I think sometimes that I could be spanked all day like that. He pulls me off of his lap and tells me to sit on the ottoman in front of him. I obey him and he starts to play with my body.

I am perched on the ottoman…breathless when he slips his finger inside the side of my panties. He watches my reaction. “Look at me.” he says when I try to look away. He presses my knees apart a little more when I instinctively attempt to close them.

“Hey..uh-uh. you know better than that.” His voice was soft still and my shyness is put away by my desire to please him. He discovers right away that I am wet. This embarrasses me sometimes. I feel like I am too wet….as if I am overly responsive to his ownership of me. I see him and respond. I find myself growing wet as I drive to meet him. I feel trained. Owned. Driven by my true desire to please him and allow him to take from me what he needs. I don’t know what I would do without him. The next few weeks will test my submission…in ways I imagine I have not even discovered yet.

“ Do you want to cum?”

“Yes Sir…please.” I whisper leaning into him hoping my plea will convince him I should be able to cum.

Richard gets that look on his face…he smiles at me. “Tell daddy how good this feels…tell me how you will cum for daddy.”

I am in agony…he knows I love this sort of talk. When he turns on the daddy side of his dominance I am more aroused than almost any other time we interact. I go immediately into little girl mode and there is a place in my mind that is truly his little girl. I am naughty when he tells me I am…just a slutty little girl who likes it when her daddy plays with her. The dynamic is erotic and arousing and I get lost in it.

“What is daddy doing?” he asks me…only it isn’t the grown up me he asks it is the little girl me he asks. And it is the little girl me who clutches his finger and responds…. “Please daddy…” I whisper too shy to answer him all of a sudden. His eyes warn me and I whimper. “Playing with me…..daddy has his finger in my cunt.” He smiles again and tells me what a good girl I am…what a bad girl too. He makes me cum hard right there sitting on the ottoman. He makes me lick his finger clean and I remember that I like how I taste. He hugs me close to him again and asks me if I still want to go shower….instead I slip down to my knees. “Can I please just kneel for a few minutes?”

“Of course pixie.” He sounds amused…happy and settled. His hands are soft in my hair as I kneel in front of him. I rest my head against the warmth of his thigh and just settle my pounding heart. He lets me linger there for several minutes…he is playing with my hair and my neck and my eyes are closed.

His arousal is evident as he tells me to remove his shoes…to take off his belt and to open his pants. I obey him and he strokes his cock in front of my face…I look up at him and I want it…I want him. “Suck daddy’s cock….put daddy’s cock in your mouth like a good girl.”

I moan as I lean into him and take him gently into my mouth. First I lick the shimmery little drop of cum from it’s tip. I take him deeper…still gentle. I know what he likes and he presses my head further down onto his cock. It fills my mouth and I can barely breathe. He holds my head there…almost cutting off my breath before letting go. He indulges me for a few minutes before sending me to the shower.

He goes with me and starts my water…he stands there with the curtain half open and watches me shower. We talk…and he laughs with me. We can be silly….and yet I know in a few minutes he will not be silly. I will not be laughing and he will be hurting me.

He helps me shower before turning off my water. I can dry myself off but he helps and then he tosses a towel across my head and hugs me tight. I catch a glance of his face in the mirror and I sense a sadness about him…a conflict. before I can ask he speaks. “What a conflict you are pixiepie….I am caught between the desire to protect you and the urge to hurt you. We’ve always known that though haven’t we?”

He holds me a few moments longer before pulling away and pulling me with him back into the other room. He pushes me against the wall and places a pillow beneath my chest. Hold this against the wall he tells me….keep your arms above your head and step back. I was leaning into the wall…my bottom pressed out and my arms high. He walks away and returns with a long thin cane. I have seen this one before. It is more like a switch….it is whippy and it can do damage. The room is dark and I can feel him carefully line the cane up on my bottom as he prepared for that first stroke. I heard it coming and then felt it a second after….I almost fell to my knees. There was a slight wrap around and the tip of the cane sliced through the skin on my hip. It instantly opened my skin and blood appeared. “You’ve cut me.” I dared to say because I knew it was not deliberate. I also knew he had no qualms about breaking my skin but for obvious reasons he was being more careful for me. I remember the first time his cane made me bleed.

He instantly rinsed me off….made sure the bleeding stopped. Kissed it better and again pressed me against the wall. his fingers were between my legs and my wetness was dripping on my thighs. He was more careful this time when he caned me…but it was no less intense. It was hard. He walked away and returned with another cane…thicker, less whippy and began to cane me again. Harder this time it seemed and I moaned into the wall…I bit into the pillow but I pressed my bottom out to him. I wanted him to hurt me. I needed it…and even as I struggled through the pain I wanted it. And when he again walked away I knew he was going to get yet another cane….each one different in intensity and sensation. I found myself watching him and his reaction to my pain…to my submission fed my desire to give him more and more. When my arms slipped he made me keep them up…when my legs closed he made me open them. I was his…totally Owned by him and he knew it. He is behind me and I feel his cock press against my cunt…I whimper my need and squirm against him needing to feel him drive into me. I don’t want it gentle…I want him….my Owner fucking me….fucking me hard against the wall where every thrust sends pain through me….where I can feel every stroke of the cane when his hot skin makes contact. He hand is on the back of my neck and he presses me hard into the wall as he fucks me. He is talking and I can hear him….I know I hear him because I am responding.

I feel myself being pulled and then I am against the cool metal of the door. The pillow has fallen away and he has me up on my tippy toes face first against the door…his cock still deep inside of me. His hands are pulling my nipples….my hair…he is hurting me. He tells me to look out the hole in the door. He asks me if anyone is out there….he asks me if there is anyone out there that would like to see me being fucked. I can only moan…I can only press against him. He unlocks the door….I stop breathing because I know what he is thinking…I know what he wants to do. I know he wants to torment me…I can feel his sadistic mind working and he knows how humiliated I will be if he opens the door….if there was someone there…if someone could hear….

I was moaning…full of pleasure and fear…and humiliation. I knew he could do whatever he wanted to me. His arm pressed in to the back of my neck pressing me firmly against the door…and he continued to fuck me hard. I shuddered when he relocked the door and flipped me around. He practically threw me against the other wall and pressed my back against the wall. He slapped my face…more than once. I wanted more. His hands slapped my breasts over and over….and I wanted more of that too. I think he knew I was in that place where I could take anything. I remember something he wrote once here

He said… “She would do anything I asked of her. My job is not to ask too much. She has no way of protecting herself from the sadism that is in my head – there is complete trust – and it is a responsibility I understand and take seriously.”

He is right….I trust him. I don’t need protection from him or his sadism. I still wanted more when he grabbed my breast and used it as a handle to pull me across the room. He tossed me on the bed and pressed me hard onto my stomach. He was inside me in a second and was caught between my scary Richard….and my gentle Owner Richard. He told me later that it was a special experience….it was a time to reconnect with my Owner. It was almost as if we were just lovers….the way he held me and kissed me and made me a part of him. That is why I don’t need protection from him….there is this part of him too. That is the part of him that keeps me safe….

Several long moments later I was again beneath him and his fingers were digging so hard into my nipples I felt as if they were ripping….later I was thrilled the skin had broken a little. I can’t hurt myself like that…even when I masturbate. I told him that it is easier for me to make myself cum when my nipples ache from his abuse.

He spanked me again….I feel at this point spanked all over. And then I am back on my stomach and he is deep in my ass….he fills me. I love it…I love the slight pain that lingers in me for days after he fucks me there. I like thinking that he took me….that he hurt me…when every time I move it is a reminder that he Owns me.

He tells me he is going to fill my ass with his cum…and I feel him begin to tense…I right away have the urge to taste him. I want his cum in my mouth…and I find the courage to make a desperate plea to my Owner…. “please Sir…cum in my mouth…i want to taste you.”

I am a lucky sub…he pulled out of me and pushed me down on the bed so my face was right beneath his cock. “Open your mouth.” It was already opened and I literally was craving the taste of him…he came deep in my mouth and I heard the noises he makes when he cums…I don’t even know if he realizes his sounds. He tells me to swallow…

I take my time loving the taste of him.

We spent the next hour or so lingering over each other…him holding me…my head relaxing on his leg gently cleaning his cock…lots of gentle touches and voices. I dozed a little and he encouraged that knowing I sleep more soundly with him than I ever do alone. Finally after my stomach growled for the sixth time he said we were going to eat. Another shower…he helped me dress….and we went out to a late dinner.

It was a special night…our last night together before he left. This is an annual trip for him that I know he needs…she needs it too. But still I miss him. It is hard having him so far away. Especially now. It is as hard on him to be away from me….I know that. Five weeks seems longer to me this year. Time seems shorter for me…more important I suppose. And I ache with his loss knowing a lot can change in a month. We needed this last night to leave on a good note…to have that special night to carry me through is priceless.