Today is a sad day for me. Yet sadness they say like almost every other emotion is a choice. Sadness for me is a choice. I am an emotional girl and anyone who has spent three seconds reading my blog is well aware of the range of my emotions. When I feel happiness it is in its purest form and I feel it with every part of me. When I feel sadness I wear it; like a heavy lead vest I wear it and carry it around with me until I am buried beneath it. It often stays there until someone; someone stronger than myself lifts it away and allows fresh air and new perspective into my world. I do the same with love. Love though is nothing like sadness. I do not see love as a choice, perhaps there was a time when I did; a time when I foolishly thought myself strong enough to stand stoic in the shade, so that only the shadow of the sunshine touched me and never its warmth. I think I feared love, even more than sadness I feared love. I am not so sure anymore. Of a lot of things I am not so sure. I think there was safety in that fear and I wonder if I was write to stand in the shade after all.
I know that today is the saddest of days. I dread the darkness tonight when in my blindness and pain I will be at my most vulnerable…I will crave his strength and yet I will know it isn’t mine to ask for, or to need. I feel as if I am walking through today blindly and there is nothing warm enough here or soft enough here to make it better or to cushion the pounding pain that has turned physical.
I think of a Neruda poem that I love…and it comforts me.
“And so now ….I have to learn to swim inside my dreams
In case the sea should come visit me in my sleep
And when that happens, all will be well…
And when tomorrow stirs
On the wet stones, the sand
And the great resounding sway of sea
will know who I am…and why I return.”
I am thankful for my life, for what I have; for all that I got to do while I was here. I am thankful for the wonderful people I have known and all the joy they gave me. I am deeply remorseful for any pain I ever made anyone feel. I am sorry that in my life there were times when I hurt people that I loved. I am so blessed to have spent the past year and a half learning about myself, discovering and growing. In many ways it was a great year….
I allowed myself to be touched by the sun this year, it warmed me and brought a flush to my face and it came to me in the form of a man. A wonderful, rare form of man who was able to teach me what I thought I was unable to learn…he was able to accept and show me how to accept what was always before unacceptable. He dried tears that without his light and touch I would have been unable to cry. Loving him was a quiet miracle that I never knew I wanted and didn’t know I could have. Time with him was the greatest of gifts. Time with him was suspended somewhere high above my reach and when it fell to me it fell softly and it landed all around me. It encircled me and protected me, loved me. I love this man with a reverence that startles me. He was a lifeline to me, he gave me some elusive gift that I can never return or repay. Only now I am thinking I was wrong…I saw what I wanted to see and I loved what I wanted to love….
And now it’s over. I write today and realize that my relationship with him has paralleled my life…both have been quietly dying. I am not Richards anymore. I can’t be and like the sadness that has thickly wrapped itself around me this was my choice. There may be ten reasons why and maybe only one makes any sense and maybe even that one can be tapped with a small hammer, shattered and swept away. I don’t know, I have put the hammer away.
I do know that while he was gone a place inside of me opened up. It was a warm place created to protect me and shelter me as I concluded many things. It was the soft wall I threw myself against when I missed him…the safe place where I quietly wept when I knew I had been left for far too long and where I hid yesterday when I felt wounded and hurt. Then he was home, he was back. When he returned hard truths came with him and he thrust them at me, in the cruelest of ways and with the cruelest most damaging, hurtful words he thrusts them into that warm place that was already wounded and needy, already failing and trying to hold to so much. It folded in and it closed over me and it told me to stop, to acknowledge the truth here that I have not paid anttention to…..to all the times when it was so obvious and I decided to let what I had with him make up for all I didn’t. It told me to stop asking for what would make it better….for what would make it right because there was no give. All along it was the good always outweighed the bad. Of course thats not true….and it hasn’t been in almost a year yet the good when I thought it was real always met the bad face to face and put up a pretty good fight. That can’t happen now…there is no cushion. The good was only as strong as what I believed to be true.
There is so much in my life today that I can’t control.
It would be even more selfish of me to not end this now that I know the full range of my own disillusionment. I could justify my own pain and accept it because of what I thought I was giving back…and now that fascade is ripped away. I can’t control that. I can control this. I can walk away from him and know I will eventually get past the pain of his loss. One day it won’t hurt so badly and I won’t imagine his face or his hands or how he made me feel. This I know to be true, it is the natural order of things…he taught me that. I am a foolish girl and created something in my head that should have never been created. He let me but I can’t blame him for that…he even said I knew the kind of person he was all along. I should have known better, been better, stronger and smarter than what I was. I have never felt more disillusioned, disenchanted and just let down in all of my life. It is as if someone walked through the sweetest of dreams throwing knives, poking holes and burying screaming survivors.
Things aren’t always what they seem, either are people. I had no right to lift him so high, to place him on my lofty pedestal and assume he would never jump.
I’m going to be alright. Forgive me for being so vague. There is nothing really to explain….no reason this has ended outside what I wrote already and for all the reasons and for all the truths that were always, always there.
I am going to focus on other things right now. I need to feel worthy of being loved again. I want to feel pride again and I have lost so much of that. I have allowed myself to be desperate for someone else and to love to the point of allowing it to blind me into thinking it was returned. I don’t know if I will have that chance. I don’t have time to have or take chances and so maybe that is what he meant…maybe that was what he was trying to say today.