D/s

wounded

Today is a sad day for me. Yet sadness they say like almost every other emotion is a choice.  Sadness for me is a choice. I am an emotional girl and anyone who has spent three seconds reading my blog is well aware of the range of my emotions. When I feel happiness it is in its purest form and I feel it with every part of me. When I feel sadness I wear it; like a heavy lead vest I wear it and carry it around with me until I am buried beneath it. It often stays there until someone; someone stronger than myself lifts it away and allows fresh air and new perspective into my world. I do the same with love. Love though is nothing like sadness. I do not see love as a choice, perhaps there was a time when I did; a time when I foolishly thought myself strong enough to stand stoic in the shade, so that only the shadow of the sunshine touched me and never its warmth. I think I feared love, even more than sadness I feared love. I am not so sure anymore. Of a lot of things I am not so sure. I think there was safety in that fear and I wonder if I was write to stand in the shade after all.

 

I know that today is the saddest of days. I dread the darkness tonight when in my blindness and pain I will be at my most vulnerable…I will crave his strength and yet I will know it isn’t mine to ask for, or to need. I feel as if I am walking through today blindly and there is nothing warm enough here or soft enough here to make it better or to cushion the pounding pain that has turned physical.  

I think of a Neruda poem that I love…and it comforts me.

 

“And so now ….I have to learn to swim inside my dreams

In case the sea should come visit me in my sleep

And when that happens, all will be well…

And when tomorrow stirs

On the wet stones, the sand

And the great resounding sway of sea

will know who I am…and why I return.”

 

 

I am thankful for my life, for what I have; for all that I got to do while I was here. I am thankful for the wonderful people I have known and all the joy they gave me.  I am deeply remorseful for any pain I ever made anyone feel. I am sorry that in my life there were times when I hurt people that I loved. I am so blessed to have spent the past year and a half learning about myself, discovering and growing. In many ways it was a great year….

 

I allowed myself to be touched by the sun this year, it warmed me and brought a flush to my face and it came to me in the form of a man.  A wonderful, rare form of man who was able to teach me what I thought I was unable to learn…he was able to accept and show me how to accept what was always before unacceptable. He dried tears that without his light  and touch I would have been unable to cry. Loving him was a quiet miracle that I never knew I wanted and didn’t know I could have. Time with him was the greatest of gifts. Time with him was suspended somewhere high above my reach and when it fell to me it fell softly and it landed all around me. It encircled me and protected me, loved me. I love this man with a reverence that startles me. He was a lifeline to me, he gave me some elusive gift that I can never return or repay. Only now I am thinking I was wrong…I saw what I wanted to see and I loved what I wanted to love….

 

And now it’s over. I write today and realize that my relationship with him has paralleled my life…both have been quietly dying. I am not Richards anymore. I can’t be and like the sadness that has thickly wrapped itself around me this was my choice. There may be ten reasons why and maybe only one makes any sense and maybe even that one can be tapped with a small hammer, shattered and swept away. I don’t know, I have put the hammer away.

 

I do know that while he was gone a place inside of me opened up. It was a warm place created to protect me and shelter me as I concluded many things. It was the soft wall I threw myself against when I missed him…the safe place where I quietly wept when I knew I had been left for far too long and where I hid yesterday when I felt wounded and hurt.  Then he was home, he was back. When he returned hard truths came with him and he thrust them at me, in the cruelest of ways and with the cruelest most damaging, hurtful words he thrusts them into that warm place that was already wounded and needy, already failing and trying to hold to so much. It folded in and it closed over me and it told me to stop, to acknowledge the truth here that I have not paid anttention to…..to all the times when it was so obvious and I decided to let what I had with him make up for all I didn’t. It told me to stop asking for what would make it better….for what would make it right because there was no give. All along it was the good always outweighed the bad. Of course thats not true….and it hasn’t been in almost a year yet the good when I thought it was real always met the bad face to face and put up a pretty good fight. That can’t happen now…there is no cushion. The good was only as strong as what I believed to be true.

 

There is so much in my life today that I can’t control. 

It would be even more selfish of me to not end this now that I know the full range of my own disillusionment. I could justify my own pain and accept it because of what I thought I was giving back…and now that fascade is ripped away. I can’t control that. I can control this. I can walk away from him and know I will eventually get past the pain of his loss. One day it won’t hurt so badly and I won’t imagine his face or his hands or how he made me feel. This I know to be true, it is the natural order of things…he taught me that. I am a foolish girl and created something in my head that should have never been created. He let me but I can’t blame him for that…he even said I knew the kind of person he was all along. I should have known better, been better, stronger and smarter than what I was. I have never felt more disillusioned, disenchanted and just let down in all of my life. It is as if someone walked through the sweetest of dreams throwing knives, poking holes and burying screaming survivors.

 

Things aren’t always what they seem, either are people. I had no right to lift him so high, to place him on my lofty pedestal and assume he would never jump.

 

People jump.

 

I’m going to be alright. Forgive me for being so vague. There is nothing really to explain….no reason this has ended outside what I wrote already and for all the reasons and for all the truths that were always, always there.

I am going to focus on other things right now. I need to feel worthy of being loved again. I want to feel pride again and I have lost so much of that. I have allowed myself to be desperate for someone else and to love to the point of allowing it to blind me into thinking it was returned. I don’t know if I will have that chance. I don’t have time to have or take chances and so maybe that is what he meant…maybe that was what he was trying to say today. 

 

15 thoughts on “wounded

  1. Aw Pixie…I’m so sorry you are hurting.

    I am thinking of you wrapped in wings of love, an angel holding you in soft affirmation of how precious you are.

    I pray that perhaps these opportunities you are seeking will give you more time at the very least. ((hugs)) Most of all I pray that you feel at peace with yourself and those you love.

  2. why now pixie? what could have possibly ‘wounded’ you to the point where you would end this now? i am not trying to get details this is just my way of questioning you and being here for you. this does not seem right at all.
    i am sorry pixie. stay strong. let good feeling smother the bad. you do not need ‘bad’ right now.
    thinking of you tonight and hoping that you knowing there are readers thinking of you will allow you to share some of what must be ripping you apart. you are so strong, so brave pixie.
    be good to yourself.

  3. Poor pixiepie. 😦 Feel arms around you tonight as you sleep and know you are loved. Don’t crave what was never yours to crave, he should have never let this happen. You poor girl, I cried when I read this. When the love you feel is as strong as your love is for Richard the pain when it is over is ten times as raw.

    Where is his responsibility to you? Tonight and any other night? Do you think he doesn’t know what this night will hold for you. Will he come to you tonight and be that safe place you are asking for? No pixie, he won’t. Like your sadness that is his choice. Think of that and know you did the right thing.

  4. pixie,

    Today you are wounded. Tonight we are both wounded. I have wounded you with my words. Words which I have apologized for. They were never meant to hurt you. I had no reason to want to hurt you. I expressed many things in an effort to make you see some things from a different perspective. I am terribly sorry that they hurt. If I could take them back I would. But we know that is not possible.

    And the words you said yesterday, that now you feel would mean nothing if you saw me again, if we touched. We both know if that happened you would not end this. You say “you know how much I want to see you.” And I reply, “yes, and you know how much I want to see you, and yet we won’t because you have said some words that you feel will be meaningless if you give in to what we both want. And then you write this post, as quickly as you can, to further tie your own hands with words…..

    All these writings and text messages and emails, all fraught with misunderstandings and missteps and misspoken thoughts. All could be wiped away by a spoken word, a touch.

    You are right – it is the saddest day, and the worst night. Worse than any of the anguished nights we have both spoken of here. You are also right, that love is not a choice. It comes. It happens. It happens in spite of what we know, not because of it. And yet you choose now to believe I don’t love you. That I haven’t loved you. That somehow *I* of all people am able to choose to love or not to love. Or that I haven’t loved you in the same way you loved me.

    You have poured all of yourself into me. You have given me everything. You have loved me in ways and of a magnitude I had no right to expect, or to have. And I have not poured all of myself into you. I have poured a part of myself. I am split between two women, both of whom loved me beyond reason, beyond anything I deserved, beyond my ability to love back. But believe me when I say this: I loved you, and love you, with all I have. Maybe it is a character flaw. Maybe it is that being the Dominant I am I am more adept at taking than at giving. Maybe for that same reason I love myself more than I love anyone else. I don’t know. I do know that L has expressed the same feeling that you have – that she wishes I loved her the same way she loves me. But we all love the way we love, the way we can. I love you to the depths of my ability. I let you in as far as I have let anyone in – inside that protective shell I have around myself. I have loved with every part of me, with all that I can, to the deepest level. It may not be what you have given, but it is, and was, true and real and meaningful and deep, and it was my best.

    I know that if you look back on all that we have shared, and what I have taught you, and what we have experienced together, you must know this to be true.

    You have your reasons, and as you say if only one of them makes sense, that is all that matters to you. I have always acknowledged that I cannot give you enough of me, but that when faced with a choice of not enough or none, that not enough made more sense. It always has to me. But you said that you could heal from “none” but that “not enough” was always going to be not enough. I understand that. I can see that. And yet…..

    If we thought you had a long time, time enough to heal from “none” and time enough to find a love you did not need to share, then perhaps now is the time. But if your time is short, how can either of our lives be better by giving up and never seeing each other again? How can I stand by, not knowing, not being able to hold you, at a time when you will need all the holding you can get? No one can do it all – you cannot do it alone and no one can do it all. You need all the friends and family you can muster, and L and I both want to be part of that support. You know we have been there when there was no one else you could open up to. I hope with all my heart we can find a way to remain close, no matter you conclude you can no longer be mine.

    This sadness is unbearable. As I told you earlier, seeing it in writing was almost worse than hearing the words come out of your mouth. I am lost tonight, and I know you are too. I worry for you. I hope you will reconsider and not just walk out of my life.

    And yes, I do love you. Nothing you say or believe or do can change that. We are what we are and we both know that.
    R

  5. pixie,
    Tonight I hope you are sleeping. A hopes you are sleeping and we both had tears on our faces when we read this earlier. Your words even in your sadness are eloquent and compelling. I wish, we both wish that we knew you in real life. We are with you in spirit tonight but only because we have to be. Without knowing it all we can’t help but ask after reading Rs comment why he isn’t with you tonight? If he is anguish and pain filled as his words suggest and if he is worrying for you as much as he says he is why has he not moved heaven and earth to hold you and comfort you. You have said in a previous post that he is 10 minutes up the road yet that is where he sits tonight. He acknowledges that you need all the holding you can get right now. pix he will offer you his arms when it does not interfere with his statusquo—not when you need holding. That is a selfish love and his statement that somehow you being sick and not having time to find anything better disgusts me.
    Be strong pixie. You are brave not stupid. I am proud of you.

  6. As readers we only get snippets, we should never judge, we should just to accept what is written, by both parties.

    There is way more to this heartbreak than we will ever come close to understanding.

    They are entwined in their very real and personal turmoil.

    What is undeniable is that they adore and love each other.

    Please let us not ask (nor judge) where one or the other is, in times of what we perceive as one or the other’s “need”.

    They both need and they “need” us to understand such sorrow.

    With love to you both, Richard and pixie

    xxxx

  7. Pixie, Pixie,

    I am so sure many of us women, maybe especially submissives, relate so much with you. We are too emotional, love too much, beyond reason, beyond control, give all we have and we want the same in return. Who knows, maybe part of what we love about our Dominants is what makes them different from us, that they ARE so in control, of us, of themselves. Don’t you just want to shake him because seems to have such control. But would we want less? Would we want the man who would sniffle at our feet and cry like we do? They do love us, just as irrationally, but I think they are naturally more adept at controlling themselves. I try to learn from that because I feel like I have no control in my own life.

    Pixie, Richard loves you. It seems as though you are doing what I’ve done, as a defense-mecanism we find flaws and have to rip them off that pedestal to get over them. Maybe you should, maybe not. For what it’s worth, I’d keep Richard as a source of strength and love. You must want to crawl in a box alone sometimes and I’m sure he understands that. Above all, I and all your friends out here wish you the best.

  8. Pixie,
    The first part of your post sounded like you had given up. I was scared for you. Then you rallied into a place of purpose. Moving on, looking for it all.

    I don’t pretend to know the answers for you but don’t give up. Make sure you keep enough strength to proect your physical body right now.
    -Jess

  9. It is sad when our dreams become our enemies. Something wicked did come.
    Are we the makers of our dreams? Of our pleasures? Or can we say they are made by “someone else”?
    I find this blog so sad now… it is reflective of myself in many ways too. Where would I be if my dreams came true? Maybe the same place as you.
    I cannot offer advice, I can only learn from the most wonderful submissive I have ever known.

    I think you are brave to go for the clinical trails Pixie!

    xxxx love and light Brave one xxxx

  10. Pixie,

    You have always been good and brave and giving, both to Richard and to all of us, by what you give. Only you can decide what it best for you, follow your heart and your hope. Know that we are here for you and though we have not met you, we love you.

    I am praying that you feel the love, the peace and the hope that you deserve. You have touched my heart Pixie, I wish you did not have to feel this pain.

  11. Just stopping by to send warm thoughts again pixie. I’m hoping these additional options you are exploring will be helpful, give you more time with those you love. I’m hoping that you’ll feel full of love and that your life glows with it. Sending you ((hugs)). *smiles

  12. Pixie,

    I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, but have never commented before. After reading this post I just wanted to reach out to tell you that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Please remember that there are many readers here who are wishing you strength and peace during this time. I wish I knew you in real life so that I could be there to offer you support and a shoulder to lean on. Sending you a big hug. Stay strong Pixie.

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