update…and up too late :)

Just a long rambling update here….. I will try and keep this semi-brief. J

I want to get back to my blog…I’ve missed writing here like I used to. I have been journaling in a small diary lately for some reason reluctant to put too much here. I am not sure why except maybe I have sensed so many changes coming. I’ve thrown a lot of balls in the air and wasn’t sure how they would land. It’s been hard the past several months. I have learned a lot the past few months…

My relationship with Richard has changed too. Now I’d say for the better…a month or so ago I wasn’t too sure. I was lucky enough to see my owner for the human he is, he isn’t a mind reader, he is capable of misreading cues, he is capable of just poor judgment, he is human. I see all of that as good. For me it was a valuable lesson…a person can fall from their pedestal and still remain in my sky. He has disappointed me but my feelings for him are unchanged…possibly stronger because like I said it was proof to me I am capable of having someone let me down and still be able to maintain all the good they gave me and to remain unchanged in who they are and their role in my life.

I would describe the first almost year with Richard as being a fantasy. We had almost unlimited access to each other, we were growing together and he was teaching me so much. Then things changed and yes they got tough but it was always, always good. Then L knew all about me and it was good but complicated. I was placed in positions where I was unable to be who I was. I was asked to spend time with the two of them as a couple. A part of me thrived in this setting. I had developed a relationship with L…and in a way it backfired. I started to care a little too much how she perceived R and I. I started to land outside my true role with Richard.

When the three of us were together she didn’t want to see me as Richard’s submissive, she wanted to see me as ‘their’ friend. To Richard this was something he could ask of me because it meant he was able to spend more time with me. For the most part that was good….but really, it was hard….hard…hard!! On all of us. I didn’t want to be their friend…I wanted to be HIS submissive and revel in that….not pretend it was something I could turn off.

I was faced with a difficult scenario. Not only was I being asked to not interact with Richard as his submissive but I was also asked to observe the two of them interact as husband and wife. I’ll admit that was difficult although Richard I feel like was always sensitive to my feelings. It was easier to see them together than it was to not be able to be myself to Richard. I tried to explain that to L. It wasn’t like seeing them be affectionate to each other hurt me…yes there was that small twinge of jealously because I know how it feels to be the center of his attentions, to be the recipient of what he offers and on that note I was jealous. Though it was never that I begrudged that attention to her….or to him. I respected her role in his life….she isn’t able to understand mine enough to even see it. He had to be cautious of how much attention he gave me…how he looked at me…where he looked at me…etc. I can’t imagine the pressure he would feel when the three of us were together. There is no question the bad outweighed the good. I will never place myself in such a situation again. If there is one thing I could change it would be that in the end L never knew how very much I admired her. Knowing she would be ok and feel better is giving me the strength to see walking away. 

The level of affection and attention I get from him when it is just he and I is overflowingly amazing and fulfilling yet when it was the three of us….it felt hidden and secret again. It hurt me…it wasn’t good for me, it wasn’t good for my submission to him or my own feelings regarding my submission. I’ve come so far and I feel like I backslid a little in my trust and even my devotion to him over the past few months. It was like I was stepping outside myself and that was hard. It feels different now. I feel recommitted to him and to my role in his life. I was starting to doubt my ability to please him…to give him what he needed simply because my trust in him was damaged. I took a chance and spelled out to him specifically what I needed from him and from this relationship to maintain it even through one more encounter. He heard me…he took me seriously and he is committed to making this continue too. We truly have something between us so special….circumstances have made it hard in some ways but it has proved to be real and solid. Certainly tonight it feels more real than it has in so long. I face seeing him in a day or so with a renewed energy and desire to please him…to submit to him fully without doubts and without restraints. I know what he needs….that is my true role in his life. And one I never want to slip away from again.

I am not saying I did not find meaning in my relationship with the two of them as a couple. I did. It was great timing in some ways. The two of them together supported me through a lot of hard nights…feelings over the past few months. I am thankful to both of them for that.

Things happen though and the impossible starts to shine through as impossible and you realize you are being asked to maintain something that harms you more than it helps you. I think L and I figured out at almost the same second that our relationship was too difficult to maintain. The closer she and I got and the more we got to know each other the more she realized the true dynamic between Richard and I. It makes sense that she would want to detach all emotions from what he and I share. I admire him so much for his honesty…he has not ever tried to downplay how he feels about me. She knows we love each other. She also knows though that he doesn’t love me the way he loves of his wife of a trillion years. It is different- just different. I don’t see it as more or less….it is a different emotion in many ways. And is deserving of its own scale…plus I don’t see love as a quantity. I don’t see love as something pre-measured and predetermined in an individual….it isn’t as if you only have so much to give and then you are out of it. I don’t believe that. I see love as an emotion like any other emotion. I do not think Richard loves me any less because he has L…and I don’t think his feelings for her diminished the day he realized he loved me. Isn’t love consuming enough to grow and grow and wrap arms around everyone you love. Parents don’t stop loving one child because they have a second…children do not stop loving a sibling if they are given another one. So I reject the notion that people can love only one person….one true love or the one meant for me…all of that I reject. So anyway…L and I determined we were better off not maintaining a friendship. I told her that it was too difficult for me to pretend I was less to Richard than what I was…I think that is harmful and detrimental to not only a relationship but to the person who is asked to step outside who they are. I am not at all ashamed of who I am too Richard. When I am with him…when I am not with him…when he is close and when he is far away- I am his submissive. To ask me to be anything less is not good for me. I refuse to do it a moment longer.

Since then…since L and I stopped communicating I have entered into a peaceful sort of coexistence with the residual angst of that part of our dynamic. The idea that I need not ever see him with another person is comforting to me. It centers my focus back on who I am to him and what my true role is in his life. I will be a better submissive to him simply because I am not being asked to step outside that role. When I think of my role in his life the ONLY role I need to focus on is who I am to HIM…and what he needs from me. The drama is gone…I do not have to feel the constant pressure of watching what I say or how I look at him or if he pays me too much attention when we are together. It was truly getting difficult. I am happier, more centered and more confident in my role with him that I have been since L came home and was told about me. Who I am to R is slowly falling back into place. I am overjoyed. I feel as if my privacy and my ‘ownership’ of my relationship with Richard is slowly being restored. I needed this…there is a new energy right now swirling around in my submission and I can’t wait to allow it to be demonstrated. I have not ever felt more sure of Richard’s feelings for me. I say that because I see what he sacrifices to maintain me in his life…what he sacrifices to be able to even see me.

So life has changed a little in pixie land. For the better. I am more devoted to R than ever…although I am also determined to not let the opportunity to find love pass me by. I am more settled in my role as his submissive yet I have never felt more confident about myself and my ability to be loved by others. I haven’t always felt that way. It’s an up and down process of course. ..but it is a process I am committed to exploring.

I apologize this was all jumbled….like a lot of rambling but it is just an update. Just an update on my life and what’s going on with everything.

Thanks again for all the emails….and IMs. I’m sorry I don’t answer them all…I wish I could. I love your comments…your opinions and your support. J I do feel a renewed energy in my life right now…I hope I can channel some of it here to my writing and to my blog.

27 thoughts on “update…and up too late :)

  1. I has done my heart good to read this here today. You are all in my thoughts often. The relationships you have/had with each other have been so delicate for you all to negotiate your way through. There have been times I’ve held my breath for you all.

    This posting feels positive, strong, calm, peaceful. I hope you are feeling all those things. The news about your improved health is so wonderful. I have a feeling if you concentrate on that, and your submission to Richard, you’re going to be just fine.

    very much love to you both, and soft hugs xxx

  2. You must be feeling better! Two post almost back to back. Your update is appreciated. You are strong and blessed. Richard is fortunate to have you as is submissive. Don’t feel bad about the change in status between you and ls relationship. That was almost destined to fail. One reason is how impossible it is for vanilla people to understand what you share with richard and then ls feelings knowing the relationship between you and R even going above that. Not to forget how sensitive (needy?) You are and you not being able to be yourself with him. I hope things get better from here. Just promise to keep writing pixiepie!

  3. So GLAD to hear your doing better Pixie 😀 and SO glad to hear you’ve rearranged your relationship with Richard. You were strong to go down the 3 way street that you did… and you are stronger for leaving it again.

    Well done for thinking of yourself for once!

    Much Love (all the way round the world and back again).


  4. Another lurker here and had to speak up. This move was a powerful message to L. You are strong to take back what you have of him. I admire the effort you put forth but can’t imagine how hard it must have been to be with the the two of them and not feel like you could be natural with Richard. I understand it allowed you to spend more time with him but at what cost? You sound empowered and maybe this will make you be an even better sub to Richard. He may be a better dom to you.

    Best of luck and blessings that your health continues to improve.

  5. Hello pixie.

    So much to say so may take the liberty of emailing you. You are making strong choices for yourself. *I* am proud of you.

  6. Hi Pixie.

    This comment has nothing to do with your post…I am rather blow away this morning due to the fact I was told your “real age” I really believed you were much younger like 19 to 24 so that means richard is alot older too..Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with your ages but for some reason I though you were alot younger than you both are..Laughing at myself for asuming…

    I hope your doing well and the medinces are working..
    wishing you the best
    His fawn

  7. His fawn-
    My real age? That’s just something that’s never been discussed here- like my real name etc. I’m curious of course who leaked my secret lol. Now everyone will be curious :). We’ve always said that I’m of legal age and Richard is not wheelchair bound. For those needing more information I have not had my 30th birthday and he is still in double digits. 🙂
    Age is a funny thing- it matters yet it doesn’t. The age difference between us has added a dynamic to our relationship that is erotic and unlike anything I’ve known. It didn’t however protect either of us from loving each other the way we do and there was a time in the beginning where we thought there was an element of safety to be found in the years between us. Lucky for us- we were wrong.

  8. Oh I wasn’t knocking you or richard’s ages honest..My Master,the man I love is 14 years older than myself so I’m not judging either of you ..But for some reason in my mind I pictured as maybe 21..Is’t funny how the mind assumes things not based on fact..

    His fawn

  9. I think pixie writes with maturity and wit that is beyond her years. I believe an age difference between dom and sub ads to the realness of it. I though pixie was somewhere between 25 and 30 and Richard in his mid to late 50s.

  10. Good news pixiepie and a wise choice to take care of your own feelings. Good for Richard for not pushing you to remain in a relationship with L. Happy to hear a smile in your words.

  11. ha! i have always imagined you to be 27 and richard to be in his fifties. so funny how we all make these assumptions. i’m glad i’m not the only one. anyway i just wanted to saw how great it is to hear the good news about your health and thank you for continuing to write. wishing you well xx

  12. Like many readers I didn’t think this three way deal would float. I wonder though pixie what empowered you to shut it down? How’s it working out for L? You seem to claim this as a victory for yourself so I just wonder if she feels as confident its a good thing? What of Richard? Sending hugs from across the sea.

  13. Richard is in double digits lol! Nothing vague about that! Of course age matters in relationships pixie. As you have said its added to yours with your owner. I wonder if you trust older men more than your peers. Lots of factors.just enjoy life and each other.

  14. It’s good to read your comments to the readers. So many people really get involved with you guys (which is a big part of what makes this blog interesting) so the interaction is nice. People care and it’s nice to know you care back.

  15. Pixie,
    It’s nice to read that things are improving for you. I had to laugh at Richard’s comment of 14 years not qualifying as an age difference, as Daddy is 24yrs older than me. Does that qualify Richard? (smiles)

    Anyway, glad to hear things are improving (both personally and with your health).


  16. Huge gigantic hugs for you! You sound like you are doing wonderful. And you gave me a perspective that I needed right now too on the personal front–not in a D/s way, but with a more general relationship. I think it takes a lot of strength and good-heartedness to realize someone can disappoint but it doesn’t have to make them a disappointment. People are human…and that’s easy to forget.

    Hopefully I can realize that too regarding my current relationship, in pieces as it is.

    Thanks sweets. You’re just awesome!


  17. Rosie-

    Great question- just barely! 🙂
    Truly though age not really an issue for Richard and I. Well, I mean sometimes it comes up. He’s said things to me before like if he was 20 years younger our relationship would be different. And I know that is true- we are truly such a match in so many ways.
    I despair at times because he is older than me- I hate he had to be born so much sooner. Though its added to our relationship in some ways, built walls in others. He is who is though- I couldn’t love him more if he were 36 instead of __. 🙂

  18. So glad to read and catch up and see that you are doing well pixie!!! Sounds like you have all come up with a workable situation. In our case, twas my husbands idea that we find a 3rd, and that he be a sub. What a darn good idea that was, and when it works, as in our case, it’s wonderful. The two men are both very straight, but good friends and work for my well being as a team. As a Owner, I know how much the ever constant focus of our pets means to us. Paladin stands ever ready to be of service to either of us, but I am his particular focus, as Richard is yours..

    I would even venture to say that your devotion to Richard is good for your health.. so keep it up!

    Best wishes to all of you,

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