Just a long rambling update here….. I will try and keep this semi-brief. J
I want to get back to my blog…I’ve missed writing here like I used to. I have been journaling in a small diary lately for some reason reluctant to put too much here. I am not sure why except maybe I have sensed so many changes coming. I’ve thrown a lot of balls in the air and wasn’t sure how they would land. It’s been hard the past several months. I have learned a lot the past few months…
My relationship with Richard has changed too. Now I’d say for the better…a month or so ago I wasn’t too sure. I was lucky enough to see my owner for the human he is, he isn’t a mind reader, he is capable of misreading cues, he is capable of just poor judgment, he is human. I see all of that as good. For me it was a valuable lesson…a person can fall from their pedestal and still remain in my sky. He has disappointed me but my feelings for him are unchanged…possibly stronger because like I said it was proof to me I am capable of having someone let me down and still be able to maintain all the good they gave me and to remain unchanged in who they are and their role in my life.
I would describe the first almost year with Richard as being a fantasy. We had almost unlimited access to each other, we were growing together and he was teaching me so much. Then things changed and yes they got tough but it was always, always good. Then L knew all about me and it was good but complicated. I was placed in positions where I was unable to be who I was. I was asked to spend time with the two of them as a couple. A part of me thrived in this setting. I had developed a relationship with L…and in a way it backfired. I started to care a little too much how she perceived R and I. I started to land outside my true role with Richard.
When the three of us were together she didn’t want to see me as Richard’s submissive, she wanted to see me as ‘their’ friend. To Richard this was something he could ask of me because it meant he was able to spend more time with me. For the most part that was good….but really, it was hard….hard…hard!! On all of us. I didn’t want to be their friend…I wanted to be HIS submissive and revel in that….not pretend it was something I could turn off.
I was faced with a difficult scenario. Not only was I being asked to not interact with Richard as his submissive but I was also asked to observe the two of them interact as husband and wife. I’ll admit that was difficult although Richard I feel like was always sensitive to my feelings. It was easier to see them together than it was to not be able to be myself to Richard. I tried to explain that to L. It wasn’t like seeing them be affectionate to each other hurt me…yes there was that small twinge of jealously because I know how it feels to be the center of his attentions, to be the recipient of what he offers and on that note I was jealous. Though it was never that I begrudged that attention to her….or to him. I respected her role in his life….she isn’t able to understand mine enough to even see it. He had to be cautious of how much attention he gave me…how he looked at me…where he looked at me…etc. I can’t imagine the pressure he would feel when the three of us were together. There is no question the bad outweighed the good. I will never place myself in such a situation again. If there is one thing I could change it would be that in the end L never knew how very much I admired her. Knowing she would be ok and feel better is giving me the strength to see walking away.
The level of affection and attention I get from him when it is just he and I is overflowingly amazing and fulfilling yet when it was the three of us….it felt hidden and secret again. It hurt me…it wasn’t good for me, it wasn’t good for my submission to him or my own feelings regarding my submission. I’ve come so far and I feel like I backslid a little in my trust and even my devotion to him over the past few months. It was like I was stepping outside myself and that was hard. It feels different now. I feel recommitted to him and to my role in his life. I was starting to doubt my ability to please him…to give him what he needed simply because my trust in him was damaged. I took a chance and spelled out to him specifically what I needed from him and from this relationship to maintain it even through one more encounter. He heard me…he took me seriously and he is committed to making this continue too. We truly have something between us so special….circumstances have made it hard in some ways but it has proved to be real and solid. Certainly tonight it feels more real than it has in so long. I face seeing him in a day or so with a renewed energy and desire to please him…to submit to him fully without doubts and without restraints. I know what he needs….that is my true role in his life. And one I never want to slip away from again.
I am not saying I did not find meaning in my relationship with the two of them as a couple. I did. It was great timing in some ways. The two of them together supported me through a lot of hard nights…feelings over the past few months. I am thankful to both of them for that.
Things happen though and the impossible starts to shine through as impossible and you realize you are being asked to maintain something that harms you more than it helps you. I think L and I figured out at almost the same second that our relationship was too difficult to maintain. The closer she and I got and the more we got to know each other the more she realized the true dynamic between Richard and I. It makes sense that she would want to detach all emotions from what he and I share. I admire him so much for his honesty…he has not ever tried to downplay how he feels about me. She knows we love each other. She also knows though that he doesn’t love me the way he loves of his wife of a trillion years. It is different- just different. I don’t see it as more or less….it is a different emotion in many ways. And is deserving of its own scale…plus I don’t see love as a quantity. I don’t see love as something pre-measured and predetermined in an individual….it isn’t as if you only have so much to give and then you are out of it. I don’t believe that. I see love as an emotion like any other emotion. I do not think Richard loves me any less because he has L…and I don’t think his feelings for her diminished the day he realized he loved me. Isn’t love consuming enough to grow and grow and wrap arms around everyone you love. Parents don’t stop loving one child because they have a second…children do not stop loving a sibling if they are given another one. So I reject the notion that people can love only one person….one true love or the one meant for me…all of that I reject. So anyway…L and I determined we were better off not maintaining a friendship. I told her that it was too difficult for me to pretend I was less to Richard than what I was…I think that is harmful and detrimental to not only a relationship but to the person who is asked to step outside who they are. I am not at all ashamed of who I am too Richard. When I am with him…when I am not with him…when he is close and when he is far away- I am his submissive. To ask me to be anything less is not good for me. I refuse to do it a moment longer.
Since then…since L and I stopped communicating I have entered into a peaceful sort of coexistence with the residual angst of that part of our dynamic. The idea that I need not ever see him with another person is comforting to me. It centers my focus back on who I am to him and what my true role is in his life. I will be a better submissive to him simply because I am not being asked to step outside that role. When I think of my role in his life the ONLY role I need to focus on is who I am to HIM…and what he needs from me. The drama is gone…I do not have to feel the constant pressure of watching what I say or how I look at him or if he pays me too much attention when we are together. It was truly getting difficult. I am happier, more centered and more confident in my role with him that I have been since L came home and was told about me. Who I am to R is slowly falling back into place. I am overjoyed. I feel as if my privacy and my ‘ownership’ of my relationship with Richard is slowly being restored. I needed this…there is a new energy right now swirling around in my submission and I can’t wait to allow it to be demonstrated. I have not ever felt more sure of Richard’s feelings for me. I say that because I see what he sacrifices to maintain me in his life…what he sacrifices to be able to even see me.
So life has changed a little in pixie land. For the better. I am more devoted to R than ever…although I am also determined to not let the opportunity to find love pass me by. I am more settled in my role as his submissive yet I have never felt more confident about myself and my ability to be loved by others. I haven’t always felt that way. It’s an up and down process of course. ..but it is a process I am committed to exploring.
I apologize this was all jumbled….like a lot of rambling but it is just an update. Just an update on my life and what’s going on with everything.
Thanks again for all the emails….and IMs. I’m sorry I don’t answer them all…I wish I could. I love your comments…your opinions and your support. J I do feel a renewed energy in my life right now…I hope I can channel some of it here to my writing and to my blog.