I publish your letter because it reads to me as if you intended it to find its way on my blog. I do write for myself….but you know it is more than that. I do pour my feelings out here and you know that it helps me. I do not write or speak for that matter without regard for how my words affect others. I am a strong believer in perception being reality. What you said to me Wednesday and my reaction to it was just my perception…even a snapshot of the reality that perception provided.
I am struggling with your need to respond to my pain by criticizing me and admonishing me for feeling it…even if misunderstood what you were saying criticizing me for it doesnt seem helpful. You’ve somehow turned my pain around and attempted to make me feel guilty for feeling it. When I wrote ‘Wednesday’ it was never with the intent to hurt you. I simply seek understanding. I was crushed by my perception of what you were saying to me for the very reasons you speak of below. I didn’t think you could make me feel the way you did sitting with me Wednesday knowing what I know about you and being secure in how you feel about me. Yet I drove away deeply feeling all of what I poured into Wednesdays post.
I know that you can feel a certain way, and push out a 1000-word snapshot of it within minutes. You do it, I think, to get the thoughts out of your head. That is why your writing is so free, so compelling, so beautiful, so captivating. I wouldn’t change it for all the world. But it takes me a little longer. So think of this as Wednesday (according to Richard), or even Thursday.
When I write I have a different purpose. I am usually trying to clarify, teach, explain, enlighten, persuade, bring understanding. Sometimes my words hurt. When they do it is either because I intend them to hurt (we have seen that a few times in your blog when I have lashed out at people), or because I have inadvertently hurt someone, or because my words contain some truth that is painful. I have NEVER hurt you intentionally with my words. I have never lashed back at you when you have said unimaginably hurtful words to me on purpose. And so it has been particularly painful for me to hear you accuse me of hurting you, of saying things that would “rub it in your face.” That you can even imagine that of me is crushing. That you could say it to me is just very difficult to accept.
OK…let’s explore this. I did accuse you of rubbing it in my face. That is exactly what you did, it may have been inadvertent, it may have just been insensitive but it was not my imagination. You emailed me after you and I had ended what has been the most meaningful relationship of my life…I am struggling and sad. Frightened and resigned to making this stick…that I could be strong because I truly felt it best for you. Then your email- it tells me you are going away for Valentines Day weekend…then the following weekend you are traveling south with friends and after that you and L will be exploring charming southern towns for the home you will be purchasing this spring. Oh and btw….you won’t be around much the next couple weeks. So please do not say my impression you were rubbing something in my face crushed you…do not try and make me feel guilty for having feelings. It was unnecessary and it was cruel. It was ten times as hurtful because it was so out of character…it was so insensitive given what was going on at that moment between us.
You can hurl your words out into the world just to get them out of your head. I don’t believe that you intend them to hurt. But sometimes they do. You send them off for your own purpose, you write for yourself, so you can write with disregard for what others think of them. I understand that. And you are justified in saying that no one is forced to read your words. But I do, and sometimes they hurt. They are like icicles hanging from the roof – when they drop they can be deadly; or like snow piled deep on a steep roof. When the sun begins to warm it up, it can come off in a mini-avalanche, and bury anyone standing in the way. I used to have to teach my children about this when I lived up north. You are burying me in your words this week.
Well you know Richard……you are buried right beside me because your words haven’t been particularly warm and fuzzy this week either. And all this is unfortunate….we are so much more than this.
We have disagreed on what I said Wednesday or at least on what it meant. You say that I told you that seeing you once a month would be enough for me. What I actually said was, hypothetically speaking, if I had to choose between seeing you once a month or never again, I would choose once a month, even as I knew that that choice would not work for you. You have explicitly said that you would choose nothing over once a month. I understand why that is – I would not ask it of you. But please don’t tell me that the words I said mean that once a month would be “enough” or that it would be what I would choose, or worst of all, that it somehow means I love you less for wanting to hold on to any piece of our relationship rather than give it up entirely. You have twisted my words into an indictment of how I feel about you, how I have treated you, what I have taken from you. You must know that is unfair. To me it is a reaffirmation of how I feel – that I would take seeing you once a month over nothing. I’ll go further – if I never see you again, I would still want to talk with you, and count you as a friend. You and I are a part of each other forever – regardless of how little time we spend together. Do you remember when I told you that in my entire life I only fall in love a little bit. You laughed at the time but I meant it. I love L. I love you in a way I have never loved another. Yes- including her. I couldn’t ever just give you up.
Yes you did Richard…maybe not with the exact words but you did say it would be enough. The very fact that you would allow that option to ever be viable….to even be negotiable says it is enough for you- or else you wouldn’t do it. To allow an ultimatum or to allow yourself to be made to decide between seeing me once a month with NO other contact –vs- nothing and not insisting on ANY other option astounds me. I have not twisted your words….I am hearing you clearly. If I looked at you Wednesday and said … “OK….let’s do this ya’lls way. I’m fine with it. Call me around the 11th of March and give me a room number….I’ll meet you there around five-ish. You can beat me and fuck me all you want- within the three hours you would be allowed to spend with me- and I won’t bother you again until April 11th.”
What would you have said?
You told me that you could go home to L and say to her you were going to see me once a month and not talk to me at all between meetings and she would be alright with it….yet if you went home to her and said… “Ok….dear- from now on I am only seeing pixie every other week…and you see…I’m sorry about this sweetie but she has this little thing in her chest that makes her HUMAN….she happens to have a heart, and feelings…and over the past two years I have allowed her to become quite attached and dependent on me…So (sigh) I’m going to have to give her a call every day or so…keep her warm so to speak then when I see her I don’t have to do any of that emotional stuff like TALKING or HOLDING her…I can just beat her and be home by ten.” If you said that to her it wouldn’t be enough….that still wouldn’t work for her.
Yes, it is true that I “need” less than you do from our relationship. I have another in my life helping me fill it. I have another place to pour love into. But I have not taken anything from you that I did not need or want, or that did not help make me whole where I was once just a part of the man I am. And I gave as much as I took. I know that you needed much from a Dominant, and I gave it as best I could. I know that you are worth it all. I know that you are worth GIVING to. You know that in my dominance, I so enjoyed YOUR pleasure, and giving it to you, pulling it out of you. Is it wrong of me to work hard at providing that to you, whether or not I “needed” it? I have always been mindful of your needs, and the need to make the relationship work not just for me but for you. Maybe that makes me a strange Dom indeed. Guilty as charged. And now I am accused of taking more than I needed? I do not understand these words. Should I be sorry that I taught you much, I gave you much, I taught you that you were worthy of love, and that loving always involved risk but it should never be avoided because of that? I should feel as if I did you a disservice?
Not a disservice Richard…not like that. What you say is true…you did teach me SO much….and you love me. I know that you do…and my feelings were hurt and my heart was broken when I wrote what I wrote. Old doubts showed up and guided my fingers…its easier to be angry when you can feel manipulated. You didn’t take anything from me that I didn’t want to give. You reveled in my pleasure and allowed it to linger between us for longer than I’ve ever thought possible. But don’t you see….all of this fuels my pain and my angst and confusion over where we are. We ARE all THAT to each other. You’ve also taught me loving one doesn’t take from the other…yet this is a case of do as I say not as I do. Because you spent so much time and energy making what is between us into the truest form of power exchange most have ever seen…..the fact you would allow it to be crumpled up and packaged into a every thirty day therapy session bewilders me. I didn’t get here by myself….all of those times when you took me to the edge of what was sane and gently brought me back…and all of the times your words pulled submission and pain and surrender from my body with ease until it flowed from me to you….we did that together. We created this thing between us that can’t be chiseled down into anything less than what it already is. So yes…I know you well enough…God I’ve experienced your Ownership and sadism and Dominance enough to know once a month could NEVER be enough for you. Never. Yet….you would sacrifice your need after all of this to only have a monthly scene….that’s what I meant. You wouldn’t need me for that. You could have any number of submissives who would meet you once a month and experience what you offer.
Submitting to you…..is perfection to me. I am in my element beneath your hand. You have shown me how far I can be taken….what I can take and the pleasure to be found from the whip…the flogger…the cane. You have perfected my submission….you have trained me well. Would an owner of a fine horse spend 2 years training a prized mare….honing in on her strengths and weaknesses, her vulnerabilities and fears until she moved to his rhythm perfectly….to where she only allowed him in her saddle only to stable her and ride her once a month? How tame is a neglected horse….the owner will not be able to hand feed her….or ride her as he had become accustomed.
And how did we get here? You have watched me struggle in recent weeks. You have seen pain on my face and heard it in my voice. You know that things with L have not been smooth. You thought it sudden, but I have told you it is not sudden. She has struggled since last summer with the fact that there is another woman in her marriage; another woman living in our house, in my life, in her life; someone who is always present just inside my head, just behind my eyes. Someone who lights up my face when she walks into sight or calls on the phone. Someone who loves me as much as any wife loves her husband. One who needs and wants as much of me as you do. It is hard for her to accept this as part of a marriage. And that is without even mentioning how hard it is for her to accept how *I* feel about you. And so, she fights for my time, my attention. And on those occasions when you and I have gotten off the tracks, last summer and again in the fall, and I asked her advice on whether or not I was still good for you, or whether my being in your life had become a negative thing. And each time she said, no this is not a good time to leave her life; she needs you. She struggled with her own feelings, and had compassion for your needs. And now she is again struggling with all of it, and yes, putting pressure on me to end it with you. And you see the pain this has caused me. And what did you do and say? You said you could not stand to be the cause of that pain, and you couldn’t do this anymore. And for the first time in our relationship, I did not have the strength to try to talk you out of it. You are too eloquent for me. You told me you would rather walk away on your own terms than have L force the issue with me, leaving all of us damaged. And I struggled with your choice, and whether or not to Dom you back, and whether or not there were other options – even your Monday post talked of searching for other options. And I let you be for a few days, and you asked for my help, and we met and we talked about us and the future and what could we do….. And here we are now. After all those promises about no anger, no regrets, just the pain and the love – here we are, and you are hurt and angry, and I am regretting so many words that can’t be undone, and hurting that I cannot control the world, like every Dom wants to. That I am caught between two women I love and hurting them both. And agreeing with your assessment that “happily ever after” was never in the cards for us. Here we are…..
yes Sir….here we are. I am not going to comment on L’s compassion knowing what I know and having seen what I saw. She has had her own agenda for allowing this to continue and her own reasons now for insisting it end. And I am not angry. I guess I never was. I stand by everything I said. About not being at the root of your pain; I meant that. Your pain is a million times harder to deal with than my own…..it is a darkness that I can’t move away from. And I am sorry for turning back to you in my pain….in my despair hoping you were coming to me Wednesday with a solution. With some miracle plan to make it possible to not have to walk away from the man who can pick up a knife and cut me as I sit still and let him…..or make it so I don’t have to only dream about the cross and the smell of the doeskin on my back. And that didn’t happen…not like I had hoped. Instead you spoke of monthly meetings and you being satisfied with that…with that being better than nothing- not enough but better than nothing. And in my pain….I heard it would be enough….you would make it be enough- you would not fight for us to have space and time to continue a viable relationship regardless of all we’ve shared if I could make it be enough. And I heard….we can get together once a month and L will be okay with that because she wouldn’t want to send you off to Dom just anyone. It would take away her worry that the possibility of your next submissive being just as perfectly created to meet your needs as I am and yet be a real threat to her….closer to your age etc. In my pain I thought….oh gee…not only do I lose my Owner…my Dom…my great friend but in the process I can safely provide the outlet for this little bit of ugliness she finds in you. You used the word therapy…..you said it was on the table but you knew I could never do it. You said you could- that is was better than nothing. Yes to you….and even to her I suppose it would be.
And your words hurt.
I’m sorry. Your words hurt me too.
You have said that I am ahead of you on the path to accepting an end to our relationship. Yes, I admit it. I broke down and cried in front of my wife over the expectation that I was losing you. Can you imagine that? I have been part way down that road. YOU have seen a world where I do not exist; I have seen a world where I DO exist and it is without you. Your words hurt me, dear pixie. Your thoughts hurt me worse.
Do you not see why I struggle with this point of view? Do you not understand why when you said this to me Wednesday I was unable to look at you? The thought of losing me Richard should have made me more precious to you….your pain at the thought of a world without me should have made the blessing that my struggle in the short term is easier a reason to hold me close to your side. It shouldn’t have made me expendable to you.….it should not have made my absence somehow less painful or easier to deal with. Its like losing a child in the mall. The horrible thoughts that race through your mind and all the horrific things that could have befallen her while she wandered away…..a person doesn’t say oh crap that sucked but I got a handle on that feeling here baby go play in the street.
And you chastise me for my words never thinking your words are seen as cruel and unthinking and insensitive. You are saying you spent time in your head in the world without me and it wasn’t so bad so it sure is easier letting me go now when it’s hard to keep me.
I have fought to keep you in my life more than you will ever know. You will never know how many times I wanted to walk away from L- walk away not only for a happy ever after with you but to flee the contempt and irritation that has festered for so long. I love you. And it is I who keeps trying to find a way to keep some of you, any of you, without totally destroying my marriage, without doing damage to it that no one can repair. And perhaps you are right in saying enough is enough – you don’t want to be the cause of that pain. Perhaps. Again, I think it is my decision, but it is not the first time you have tried to make it for me. So… perhaps you are right. But whether or not you are right, you cannot believe the things you have written about me, not if you have ever had any respect for me.
That’s not fair…and respect is not a good word here. Not when I feel the lack of it so deeply…not when you have not one time said to me- OK pixie what would make this work for you- what are you willing to compromise- what are you willing to sacrifice to keep me in your life. NOT ONCE. You sit there with L and negotiate my life as much as you negotiate yours together. You bring me ‘on the table’ options and do not ask for my input. It feels like….when you know what I am doing tell me. You come at this refusing to acknowledge my right to feel or to react to all of the changes. You come at this on the defense when you know it isn’t that simple. I can’t believe what I wrote about you….that is why it hurt me so badly. That is the root of my despair….the cause of me feeling fooled or wronged.
Maybe this is your way of making it stick. You have tried that before too. But your tears seemed too real for me to believe that. Instead I am left to believe you really think me capable of the hurt you have described, intentionally, disrespectfully, certainly not loving. I just do not understand how you can have these thoughts about me, knowing me as you do, knowing what has transpired between us, knowing what perfect connection we have made. I just don’t understand it.
And I can’t believe knowing me as you do, knowing what has transpired between us, knowing the perfect connection we have…..that you would just let me walk away. That there is no other option….that allowing me to walk away…to release myself to end your pain is not worth a better option than once a month.
My tears are real. They were real Wednesday…they are real at this very moment. My pain is real too….my perception is there and can’t be changed by a scolding.
I apologize for writing words that hurt you. You know what hurting you does to me inside. When you said you would respond to my post this isn’t what I expected. Its like we didn’t witness the same conversation Wednesday….I can’t imagine how you would think my reactions could be anything more or less than what they were given my perception of all you were saying.
So I try. I continue to reach out. You continue to ignore me. You will win that battle – the submissive always does. But I don’t give up easily, and I haven’t given up yet. But if you really believe all that you have written about me, about how I feel about you, about your worth to me, about how much you matter to me, then there is no point. I hope it isn’t so. If I never see you again or hear from you after today just know that you will always hold a piece of my heart that I could never give to another.
No Richard…I don’t doubt any of that. I do doubt this is something you want to continue to struggle for. I do doubt that you will continue to reach out to me….or that you can come to me with a workable solution. I doubt we will ever interact again….and I doubt you will be happy and I doubt me staying away from you will fix your marriage. And I doubt you can or even want to fix us…..you won’t offer or find a working solution when one of us are determined that there is NO working solution as long as I am a player. You will never be able to find a compromise when you place more value on one person’s happiness over another’s. That is as it is….and as it should be I suppose. But you ‘came out’ so to speak so you would not have to hide this relationship…this part of you that you give to me but that is still a part of YOU and your marriage. You changed everything for all of us….and now it’s like you want to undo that. Can you hide your sadism away…..pretend again you aren’t who you are…..that you don’t want to hurt me? You said you wondered how long you could go without needing to have what we had. You wondered aloud to me if the level of submission and dominance we created between us could be something you could live without now that you know it exists? How long you wondered before you got that itch….? And you followed all of that with the hypothetical once a month scenario. Yes, I reacted badly. I did. My pain got the best of me and I was cruel to you in my post but it was written with honest pain and perception that lingers still. It is only the level of trust I have in you that makes this apology sincere.
This response and mine back to you solves nothing. I maintain and even reaffirm my desire to let you go. Not in anger. Or regret….just pain and with that a hope that you will be happy. Is there a fix? I don’t think so….would I listen if you had options and wanted my input….yes. Of course I would. Do I want you to give up trying….only if it hurts too much. All I want is for you to see where my pain came from….and not see it as insulting to you or to what we shared. Is that so off the wall…my reactions and impressions of this entire thing…? Surely it makes sense to you.
I’m not ignoring you. Unless you have a possible ‘fix’ we shouldn’t spend a lot of time…if any talking. It’s too easy right now to be misunderstood….my pain has left me vulnerable to misunderstanding. Every word passed between us gives me hope that we can have something….that I could still be a part of your life without ruining the rest….and without ruining myself. I said to let me be strong or to let me be weak….strong is a long ways off and I am better at being weak so unless you can be the Dominant who taught me both were ok…and both were possible there is nothing left. A little contact reminds me of how little it is….of how much I love you and all of the places you’ve taken me through your ownership.
You know where I am and you know how I feel and you know I will ache for a long, long time if you are missing forever from my life. I love you. And I am sorry I hurt you.