D/s

back to stories…

I just feel like imagining….like writing, like remembering….

His words were soft and as close to my heart as they were to my ear. His breath was moist and warm and I tilted my head towards his lips hoping more than hope that they would brush the curl of my ear. My eyes were closed and I willed my body to quiet, begged my heart to be silent so I didnʼt miss a word that flowed from his mouth. His fingers were on my shoulders and I could feel the warmth of his open palms against my collar bone. The size of his hands made me feel small…delicate. He was behind me, his naked chest against the damp skin of my back. He felt solid. My arms were above my head my hands pressed against the old satiny paper on the wall. The room was glowing with morning sunshine and it warmed the air giving everything around us an old fashioned feeling. It made me imagine that we were in an old foreign film and the people who watched us saw our skin in a grainy black and white. Only we were anything but. The colors of his touch exploded around us in sharp breaths and deep moans and we were both vibrant and so much alive.
The back of his hand slid down my back and I trembled as it paused there in the indented place right above the curve of my bottom. His touch was sure and his mouth was against the back of my neck… his other hand resting now on my stomach dipping lower to urge my legs apart.
“Spread your legs for me.” I wiggled my feet apart slightly arching my back pressing my naked bottom closer to him. I silently begged him to take me, knowing he wouldnʼt a second before he wanted to. He was slow with me. He was deliberate and I could tell he was enjoying my nakedness, my position and the way I couldnt help trembling. I needed his hands on me and I opened my mouth to say it to him but couldn’t get anything out. He touched my hair. “Your Master loves you. You don’t have to say anything.”
I was slick for him, hot and opened and my clit was swollen and it ached like a small heart. It pulsed as if it was sending a coded signal to his knowing fingers. I pressed my bottom out just a bit further leaning my chest inward more so my breasts were flattened against the cool wall. “Good girl.” he whispered before his teeth bit into my neck and then again on my shoulder. I knew he marked me and the heat of his mouth was like a brand. His fingers were opening the slick naked lips of my cunt. “God you are so wet…so hot down here for me.” He bit me again this time bending slightly so his brand marked me in the center of my back. I cried out hardly recognizing the almost panicked sound of my own voice. My need was already great and it was building. I felt fevered and was headed to that place where pain was all I needed from him; pain and the unquenchable desire to please him wrapped around me and threatened everything or any limit ever silently established between us.
I didnʼt know what he was going to do to me, I didnʼt care. I only knew I wanted it and I would take it. His hand gripped my arm and pulled me backward turning me so I was facing him and my bottom was now against the wall. My eyes met his chest and I could see his heart pounding. The rhythm matched the ache in my cunt and the dampness was thick on the top of my thighs. He knelt down and roughly pulled my cunt lips apart his mouth sucking the hood of my clit into its heat and nipped at the swollen tender nerve that was hidden within.
Without being told my arms were above my head…. my legs open, always open for him. I was lost in the sensation of having his beautiful mouth tugging at my clit. He paused and I felt a different texture there….I felt a pinch and then a deep pain that turned hot and then warm and I realized he was applying metal clamps to my lips. At one time they had rubbery black tops hiding the sharpened metal teeth but in the height of his sadism he had pulled them off. The metal teeth were like small animals tearing into my bare lips; first two on each side and then two more so the weight of the clips and the linked thin chain that held them together held me open for his inspection. They were like a heavy hands twisting and pulling and when he pulled on the chains I almost dropped to my knees. Whether it was pain or pure masochistic desire…it didnʼt matter to me I was already gone. He fumbled with the metal as if weighing the heaviness of it in his hand before dropping it and letting it hit my legs. Every time he did it the teeth tightened against my skin and the chains felt heavier. “I could hurt you like this all night. Just play with you like this, fill this room with your moans for the rest of the day.”
He reached up and pinched my nipples pulling on them until they stretched far away from my body. I pulled back needing more…wanting more and I felt his fingers slip away leaving my nipples aching. He stood up and showed me that he held more clamps in his hand. Again…my nipples were pinched and pulled away but this time he clamped the metal onto the tender pink skin. I was sure he was piercing me they were so tight. They were pieces of agony dangling from my nipples and when he pulled them I felt the tears explode from my eyes and drip down my heated cheeks. My moan was deep and even my own ears I could tell it was a moan of need….it spoke to him and it whispered…please…please…I am almost there. It was a language he knew and we only spoke it together. “I know..I know…” he murmured. “Iʼm not finished with you yet.”
The chain hanging from my nipples was now a lead and he tugged it hard pulling me forward causing the metal to pinch harder into my skin. He pulled and I followed…and he wasnʼt gentle when he pushed me towards the bed so I was bent over it. The thick whiteness of the comforter was like torture against my nipples…he pressed a hand into my back knowing he forced the metal teeth that were chewing on my cunt lips and my nipples to bite harder.
His hand was on the back of my neck and his other hand had started to spank me hard. The slaps were fast, hard and stinging and I fought the urge to dodge them, to move away. He spoke to me and his voice blended with the cadence of his hand and I was lost in the feeling. I was struggling to catch my breath when he stopped only to replace his hand for the cane. No warm up for me…he rested the cane against my skin for a second before pulling back. It landed across my bottom again and again and I was breathing hard to not cry out…to not step away. And then it happened…that flash that comes across my body. It is right after I realize I am sweating….right after I realize the pain feels warm…and good and then there is this switch. It is when every time the cane makes contact my body just pulses….and flashes and the endorphins are sparking and bright all inside me. There is no pain and it feels like magic all over me. Knowing I am his…and I take this for him adds an element of pleasure and I arch towards his cane and with my body I beg him to not stop…to cane me harder…to cane my back….the backs of my legs…all of me is like a nerve and I feel on the verge of orgasm.
I realize his hand is not holding me down…I am not fighting him or the pleasure of the cane. I am just still beneath it….submitting to him willingly, with all of myself the way he taught me to. He stops caning me and I feel the brush of it against my cheek as he tosses it down beside me. I fight the urge to press my lips to it….in that moment I feel so deeply connected to that extension of him. I feel his hands against my bottom and he is separating my cheeks…I feel him press against me. He whispered for me to relax…to not fight him. He told me to press back against him and I felt his fingers grip my hips tightly. When I did he inched inside me slowly and I felt myself stretch to take him in. I pressed a little more and he gripped me harder and all at once slammed inside me lifting my feet from the floor. He filled me and I felt as if i could explode with the pleasure of his violation. His hand found my clit and rubbed it hard and he knew I was going to cum. The rythm of him deep inside of me and the stretching feeling of having him deep in my ass was overwhelming. The pleasure was almost too intense and when I came I came hard against him throwing myself back to make his deepest thrust even deeper. His fingers had to have been bruising my hips they were holding me so tight. He pressed hard into my back so I was flat against the bed and he continued to take me….it was a pounding rhythm that pulled me in and blocked out everything else. It was a raw primitive feeling of just being taken and used by him…I was blended with him and all the pleasure he was giving me and all the pleasure he was taking from my body.
he told me to reach around and spread my cheeks for him as wide as I could…I obeyed him and he pounded even harder into me…deeper than I thought possible. I felt the sweetest release building way up inside of me and I knew I would cum again…if only he would keep doing it just like that. He didnt stop…and I didnt either and when I came he came and I felt the hot flooding sensation of having him mark me on the inside…like the cane he cut into me and flooded me with pleasure and pain all together. Without leaving my body he moved me so I was nestled against him…so that he was tight against me…almost like I was inside of him too. He moved us to the center of the bed and covered us with the white blanket that was torturing me moments before….I slept.

D/s

thursday

Dear Richard,
I publish your letter because it reads to me as if you intended it to find its way on my blog. I do write for myself….but you know it is more than that. I do pour my feelings out here and you know that it helps me. I do not write or speak for that matter without regard for how my words affect others. I am a strong believer in perception being reality. What you said to me Wednesday and my reaction to it was just my perception…even a snapshot of the reality that perception provided.
I am struggling with your need to respond to my pain by criticizing me and admonishing me for feeling it…even if misunderstood what you were saying criticizing me for it doesnt seem helpful. You’ve somehow turned my pain around and attempted to make me feel guilty for feeling it. When I wrote ‘Wednesday’ it was never with the intent to hurt you. I simply seek understanding. I was crushed by my perception of what you were saying to me for the very reasons you speak of below. I didn’t think you could make me feel the way you did sitting with me Wednesday knowing what I know about you and being secure in how you feel about me. Yet I drove away deeply feeling all of what I poured into Wednesdays post.

pixie,
I know that you can feel a certain way, and push out a 1000-word snapshot of it within minutes. You do it, I think, to get the thoughts out of your head. That is why your writing is so free, so compelling, so beautiful, so captivating. I wouldn’t change it for all the world. But it takes me a little longer. So think of this as Wednesday (according to Richard), or even Thursday.
When I write I have a different purpose. I am usually trying to clarify, teach, explain, enlighten, persuade, bring understanding. Sometimes my words hurt. When they do it is either because I intend them to hurt (we have seen that a few times in your blog when I have lashed out at people), or because I have inadvertently hurt someone, or because my words contain some truth that is painful. I have NEVER hurt you intentionally with my words. I have never lashed back at you when you have said unimaginably hurtful words to me on purpose. And so it has been particularly painful for me to hear you accuse me of hurting you, of saying things that would “rub it in your face.” That you can even imagine that of me is crushing. That you could say it to me is just very difficult to accept.

OK…let’s explore this. I did accuse you of rubbing it in my face. That is exactly what you did, it may have been inadvertent, it may have just been insensitive but it was not my imagination. You emailed me after you and I had ended what has been the most meaningful relationship of my life…I am struggling and sad. Frightened and resigned to making this stick…that I could be strong because I truly felt it best for you. Then your email- it tells me you are going away for Valentines Day weekend…then the following weekend you are traveling south with friends and after that you and L will be exploring charming southern towns for the home you will be purchasing this spring. Oh and btw….you won’t be around much the next couple weeks. So please do not say my impression you were rubbing something in my face crushed you…do not try and make me feel guilty for having feelings. It was unnecessary and it was cruel. It was ten times as hurtful because it was so out of character…it was so insensitive given what was going on at that moment between us.

You can hurl your words out into the world just to get them out of your head. I don’t believe that you intend them to hurt. But sometimes they do. You send them off for your own purpose, you write for yourself, so you can write with disregard for what others think of them. I understand that. And you are justified in saying that no one is forced to read your words. But I do, and sometimes they hurt. They are like icicles hanging from the roof – when they drop they can be deadly; or like snow piled deep on a steep roof. When the sun begins to warm it up, it can come off in a mini-avalanche, and bury anyone standing in the way. I used to have to teach my children about this when I lived up north. You are burying me in your words this week.

Well you know Richard……you are buried right beside me because your words haven’t been particularly warm and fuzzy this week either. And all this is unfortunate….we are so much more than this.

We have disagreed on what I said Wednesday or at least on what it meant. You say that I told you that seeing you once a month would be enough for me. What I actually said was, hypothetically speaking, if I had to choose between seeing you once a month or never again, I would choose once a month, even as I knew that that choice would not work for you. You have explicitly said that you would choose nothing over once a month. I understand why that is – I would not ask it of you. But please don’t tell me that the words I said mean that once a month would be “enough” or that it would be what I would choose, or worst of all, that it somehow means I love you less for wanting to hold on to any piece of our relationship rather than give it up entirely. You have twisted my words into an indictment of how I feel about you, how I have treated you, what I have taken from you. You must know that is unfair. To me it is a reaffirmation of how I feel – that I would take seeing you once a month over nothing. I’ll go further – if I never see you again, I would still want to talk with you, and count you as a friend. You and I are a part of each other forever – regardless of how little time we spend together. Do you remember when I told you that in my entire life I only fall in love a little bit. You laughed at the time but I meant it. I love L. I love you in a way I have never loved another. Yes- including her.  I couldn’t ever just give you up. 

Yes you did Richard…maybe not with the exact words but you did say it would be enough. The very fact that you would allow that option to ever be viable….to even be negotiable says it is enough for you- or else you wouldn’t do it. To allow an ultimatum or to allow yourself to be made to decide between seeing me once a month with NO other contact –vs- nothing and not insisting on ANY other option astounds me. I have not twisted your words….I am hearing you clearly. If I looked at you Wednesday and said … “OK….let’s do this ya’lls way. I’m fine with it. Call me around the 11th of March and give me a room number….I’ll meet you there around five-ish. You can beat me and fuck me all you want- within the three hours you would be allowed to spend with me- and I won’t bother you again until April 11th.”

What would you have said?

You told me that you could go home to L and say to her you were going to see me once a month and not talk to me at all between meetings and she would be alright with it….yet if you went home to her and said… “Ok….dear- from now on I am only seeing pixie every other week…and you see…I’m sorry about this sweetie but she has this little thing in her chest that makes her HUMAN….she happens to have a heart, and feelings…and over the past two years I have allowed her to become quite attached and dependent on me…So (sigh) I’m going to have to give her a call every day or so…keep her warm so to speak then when I see her I don’t have to do any of that emotional stuff like TALKING or HOLDING her…I can just beat her and be home by ten.” If you said that to her it wouldn’t be enough….that still wouldn’t work for her.

Yes, it is true that I “need” less than you do from our relationship. I have another in my life helping me fill it. I have another place to pour love into. But I have not taken anything from you that I did not need or want, or that did not help make me whole where I was once just a part of the man I am. And I gave as much as I took. I know that you needed much from a Dominant, and I gave it as best I could. I know that you are worth it all. I know that you are worth GIVING to. You know that in my dominance, I so enjoyed YOUR pleasure, and giving it to you, pulling it out of you. Is it wrong of me to work hard at providing that to you, whether or not I “needed” it? I have always been mindful of your needs, and the need to make the relationship work not just for me but for you. Maybe that makes me a strange Dom indeed. Guilty as charged. And now I am accused of taking more than I needed? I do not understand these words. Should I be sorry that I taught you much, I gave you much, I taught you that you were worthy of love, and that loving always involved risk but it should never be avoided because of that? I should feel as if I did you a disservice?

Not a disservice Richard…not like that. What you say is true…you did teach me SO much….and you love me. I know that you do…and my feelings were hurt and my heart was broken when I wrote what I wrote. Old doubts showed up and guided my fingers…its easier to be angry when you can feel manipulated. You didn’t take anything from me that I didn’t want to give. You reveled in my pleasure and allowed it to linger between us for longer than I’ve ever thought possible. But don’t you see….all of this fuels my pain and my angst and confusion over where we are. We ARE all THAT to each other. You’ve also taught me loving one doesn’t take from the other…yet this is a case of do as I say not as I do. Because you spent so much time and energy making what is between us into the truest form of power exchange most have ever seen…..the fact you would allow it to be crumpled up and packaged into a every thirty day therapy session bewilders me. I didn’t get here by myself….all of those times when you took me to the edge of what was sane and gently brought me back…and all of the times your words pulled submission and pain and surrender from my body with ease until it flowed from me to you….we did that together. We created this thing between us that can’t be chiseled down into anything less than what it already is. So yes…I know you well enough…God I’ve experienced your Ownership and sadism and Dominance enough to know once a month could NEVER be enough for you. Never. Yet….you would sacrifice your need after all of this to only have a monthly scene….that’s what I meant. You wouldn’t need me for that. You could have any number of submissives who would meet you once a month and experience what you offer.
Submitting to you…..is perfection to me. I am in my element beneath your hand. You have shown me how far I can be taken….what I can take and the pleasure to be found from the whip…the flogger…the cane. You have perfected my submission….you have trained me well. Would an owner of a fine horse spend 2 years training a prized mare….honing in on her strengths and weaknesses, her vulnerabilities and fears until she moved to his rhythm perfectly….to where she only allowed him in her saddle only to stable her and ride her once a month? How tame is a neglected horse….the owner will not be able to hand feed her….or ride her as he had become accustomed.

And how did we get here? You have watched me struggle in recent weeks. You have seen pain on my face and heard it in my voice. You know that things with L have not been smooth. You thought it sudden, but I have told you it is not sudden. She has struggled since last summer with the fact that there is another woman in her marriage; another woman living in our house, in my life, in her life; someone who is always present just inside my head, just behind my eyes. Someone who lights up my face when she walks into sight or calls on the phone. Someone who loves me as much as any wife loves her husband. One who needs and wants as much of me as you do. It is hard for her to accept this as part of a marriage. And that is without even mentioning how hard it is for her to accept how *I* feel about you. And so, she fights for my time, my attention. And on those occasions when you and I have gotten off the tracks, last summer and again in the fall, and I asked her advice on whether or not I was still good for you, or whether my being in your life had become a negative thing. And each time she said, no this is not a good time to leave her life; she needs you. She struggled with her own feelings, and had compassion for your needs. And now she is again struggling with all of it, and yes, putting pressure on me to end it with you. And you see the pain this has caused me. And what did you do and say? You said you could not stand to be the cause of that pain, and you couldn’t do this anymore. And for the first time in our relationship, I did not have the strength to try to talk you out of it. You are too eloquent for me. You told me you would rather walk away on your own terms than have L force the issue with me, leaving all of us damaged. And I struggled with your choice, and whether or not to Dom you back, and whether or not there were other options – even your Monday post talked of searching for other options. And I let you be for a few days, and you asked for my help, and we met and we talked about us and the future and what could we do….. And here we are now. After all those promises about no anger, no regrets, just the pain and the love – here we are, and you are hurt and angry, and I am regretting so many words that can’t be undone, and hurting that I cannot control the world, like every Dom wants to. That I am caught between two women I love and hurting them both. And agreeing with your assessment that “happily ever after” was never in the cards for us. Here we are…..

yes Sir….here we are. I am not going to comment on L’s compassion knowing what I know and having seen what I saw. She has had her own agenda for allowing this to continue and her own reasons now for insisting it end. And I am not angry. I guess I never was. I stand by everything I said. About not being at the root of your pain; I meant that. Your pain is a million times harder to deal with than my own…..it is a darkness that I can’t move away from. And I am sorry for turning back to you in my pain….in my despair hoping you were coming to me Wednesday with a solution. With some miracle plan to make it possible to not have to walk away from the man who can pick up a knife and cut me as I sit still and let him…..or make it so I don’t have to only dream about the cross and the smell of the doeskin on my back. And that didn’t happen…not like I had hoped. Instead you spoke of monthly meetings and you being satisfied with that…with that being better than nothing- not enough but better than nothing. And in my pain….I heard it would be enough….you would make it be enough- you would not fight for us to have space and time to continue a viable relationship regardless of all we’ve shared if I could make it be enough. And I heard….we can get together once a month and L will be okay with that because she wouldn’t want to send you off to Dom just anyone. It would take away her worry that the possibility of your next submissive being just as perfectly created to meet your needs as I am and yet be a real threat to her….closer to your age etc. In my pain I thought….oh gee…not only do I lose my Owner…my Dom…my great friend but in the process I can safely provide the outlet for this little bit of ugliness she finds in you. You used the word therapy…..you said it was on the table but you knew I could never do it. You said you could- that is was better than nothing. Yes to you….and even to her I suppose it would be.

And your words hurt.

I’m sorry. Your words hurt me too.

You have said that I am ahead of you on the path to accepting an end to our relationship. Yes, I admit it.  I broke down and cried in front of my wife over the expectation that I was losing you. Can you imagine that? I have been part way down that road. YOU have seen a world where I do not exist; I have seen a world where I DO exist and it is without you.  Your words hurt me, dear pixie. Your thoughts hurt me worse.

Do you not see why I struggle with this point of view? Do you not understand why when you said this to me Wednesday I was unable to look at you? The thought of losing me Richard should have made me more precious to you….your pain at the thought of a world without me should have made the blessing that my struggle in the short term is easier a reason to hold me close to your side. It shouldn’t have made me expendable to you.….it should not have made my absence somehow less painful or easier to deal with. Its like losing a child in the mall. The horrible thoughts that race through your mind and all the horrific things that could have befallen her while she wandered away…..a person doesn’t say oh crap that sucked but I got a handle on that feeling here baby go play in the street.
And you chastise me for my words never thinking your words are seen as cruel and unthinking and insensitive. You are saying you spent time in your head in the world without me and it wasn’t so bad so it sure is easier letting me go now when it’s hard to keep me.

I have fought to keep you in my life more than you will ever know. You will never know how many times I wanted to walk away from L- walk away not only for a happy ever after with you but to flee the contempt and irritation that has festered for so long. I love you.  And it is I who keeps trying to find a way to keep some of you, any of you, without totally destroying my marriage, without doing damage to it that no one can repair. And perhaps you are right in saying enough is enough – you don’t want to be the cause of that pain. Perhaps. Again, I think it is my decision, but it is not the first time you have tried to make it for me. So… perhaps you are right. But whether or not you are right, you cannot believe the things you have written about me, not if you have ever had any respect for me.

That’s not fair…and respect is not a good word here. Not when I feel the lack of it so deeply…not when you have not one time said to me- OK pixie what would make this work for you- what are you willing to compromise- what are you willing to sacrifice to keep me in your life. NOT ONCE. You sit there with L and negotiate my life as much as you negotiate yours together. You bring me ‘on the table’ options and do not ask for my input. It feels like….when you know what I am doing tell me. You come at this refusing to acknowledge my right to feel or to react to all of the changes. You come at this on the defense when you know it isn’t that simple. I can’t believe what I wrote about you….that is why it hurt me so badly. That is the root of my despair….the cause of me feeling fooled or wronged.

Maybe this is your way of making it stick. You have tried that before too. But your tears seemed too real for me to believe that. Instead I am left to believe you really think me capable of the hurt you have described, intentionally, disrespectfully, certainly not loving. I just do not understand how you can have these thoughts about me, knowing me as you do, knowing what has transpired between us, knowing what perfect connection we have made. I just don’t understand it.

And I can’t believe knowing me as you do, knowing what has transpired between us, knowing the perfect connection we have…..that you would just let me walk away. That there is no other option….that allowing me to walk away…to release myself to end your pain is not worth a better option than once a month.
My tears are real. They were real Wednesday…they are real at this very moment. My pain is real too….my perception is there and can’t be changed by a scolding.
I apologize for writing words that hurt you. You know what hurting you does to me inside. When you said you would respond to my post this isn’t what I expected. Its like we didn’t witness the same conversation Wednesday….I can’t imagine how you would think my reactions could be anything more or less than what they were given my perception of all you were saying.

So I try. I continue to reach out. You continue to ignore me. You will win that battle – the submissive always does. But I don’t give up easily, and I haven’t given up yet. But if you really believe all that you have written about me, about how I feel about you, about your worth to me, about how much you matter to me, then there is no point. I hope it isn’t so. If I never see you again or hear from you after today just know that you will always hold a piece of my heart that I could never give to another. 

No Richard…I don’t doubt any of that. I do doubt this is something you want to continue to struggle for. I do doubt that you will continue to reach out to me….or that you can come to me with a workable solution. I doubt we will ever interact again….and I doubt you will be happy and I doubt me staying away from you will fix your marriage. And I doubt you can or even want to fix us…..you won’t offer or find a working solution when one of us are determined that there is NO working solution as long as I am a player. You will never be able to find a compromise when you place more value on one person’s happiness over another’s. That is as it is….and as it should be I suppose. But you ‘came out’ so to speak so you would not have to hide this relationship…this part of you that you give to me but that is still a part of YOU and your marriage. You changed everything for all of us….and now it’s like you want to undo that. Can you hide your sadism away…..pretend again you aren’t who you are…..that you don’t want to hurt me? You said you wondered how long you could go without needing to have what we had. You wondered aloud to me if the level of submission and dominance we created between us could be something you could live without now that you know it exists? How long you wondered before you got that itch….? And you followed all of that with the hypothetical once a month scenario. Yes, I reacted badly. I did. My pain got the best of me and I was cruel to you in my post but it was written with honest pain and perception that lingers still. It is only the level of trust I have in you that makes this apology sincere.
This response and mine back to you solves nothing. I maintain and even reaffirm my desire to let you go. Not in anger. Or regret….just pain and with that a hope that you will be happy. Is there a fix? I don’t think so….would I listen if you had options and wanted my input….yes. Of course I would. Do I want you to give up trying….only if it hurts too much. All I want is for you to see where my pain came from….and not see it as insulting to you or to what we shared. Is that so off the wall…my reactions and impressions of this entire thing…? Surely it makes sense to you.
I’m not ignoring you. Unless you have a possible ‘fix’ we shouldn’t spend a lot of time…if any talking. It’s too easy right now to be misunderstood….my pain has left me vulnerable to misunderstanding. Every word passed between us gives me hope that we can have something….that I could still be a part of your life without ruining the rest….and without ruining myself. I said to let me be strong or to let me be weak….strong is a long ways off and I am better at being weak so unless you can be the Dominant who taught me both were ok…and both were possible there is nothing left. A little contact reminds me of how little it is….of how much I love you and all of the places you’ve taken me through your ownership.
You know where I am and you know how I feel and you know I will ache for a long, long time if you are missing forever from my life. I love you. And I am sorry I hurt you.
pixie

Love, R

D/s

wednesday

I understand sadness. It is an emotion that I am not afraid of, I think some people fear sadness. Of course they do- it only makes sense to fear something that hurts. Sadness hurts. Sadness is a lot like many other emotions. It is generic for so many other things. You can be sad because you lost something or even someone. You can be sad because you are lonely, because you are lost or just because looking around you are too jaded to see all the good life gives you. Sadness can come because your favorite team lost or you didn’t get a promotion. There is hope in sadness. Sadness often comes before a new beginning. A loved one dies….yet you know their suffering has ended. He leaves you…yet you know it is a new day. Some people arrange their life around being sad. Sadness is generic though for a lot of things. A constant concerning sadness is that it always goes away. It can be fleeting or it can linger for a time. Sadness doesn’t scare me. I’ve been sad. I’ve been deeply sad lately. I don’t think I am sad anymore.

I understand despair less. I haven’t spent as much time with despair. Where sadness always ends I think despair stays with you for always. Despair is not a generic feeling. Despair is haunting and dark and walks closely by a person’s side. It is a pain that stems from confusion and bewilderment, agony and a new uninvited perspective. It is a pain that lives beneath your skin and on your face and in your eyes. You breathe it and you bathe with it. It never goes away. It often sneaks up on you and roughly opens your eyes to everything that you had allowed yourself to not see. Blindness, denial, innocence and hope- all are enemies of despair. For despair to set in all other emotions have to surrender. Tonight I have a better understanding of despair.

I refuse to deceive myself a moment longer. I sit here tonight so opened up with despair and anger and a spinning confusion that is startling to me with its intensity. I saw him today. I asked to see him and he happily complied. I don’t even know how to explain how our meeting made me feel or what it made me feel. It’s as if I showed up with painted glasses on and walked away with a basket full of broken truths.

The goal in his mind is to find a place where he is getting what he needs from me and not giving so much back that it further damages his marriage. The goal in his mind is to be able to step backwards and see what he can take from me that doesn’t require him giving back more than she finds acceptable. He is looking for the place where I can give but not need, where he can own but not hold a leash. She has reminded him that before me he settled for much, much less; that his relationship before me had sometimes month long gaps between interactions. And it didn’t include daily conversations or nightly sweet goodnight messages….it was something he really didn’t need to put anything into. He survived it- it was enough for him for a long, long time.

He tells me he is a different person now, that with me he discovered a compelling aspect of his dominance. As a sadist he never thought he could love the one he was hurting. He wonders what he can live without now that he has tasted what we have created between us. Today when we talked I recognized honesty in his words that cut at me. He recognized that he could easily dominate me back…and he was right. He could have. There is not a whole lot of shame in that admission, it paints a foolish picture of me now especially given the new perspective I am yet I do not hesitate to pour out my sorrow or embarrassment here. I asked him what he wanted…what he would want if he didn’t have to think about my needs. I asked him what would be enough. There was a lot a uncharacteristic vagueness in his response that I found initially upsetting and then comforting as I sought anything soft to carry away and cover myself with after I drove away from him. Somehow and not at all unintentionally he said in her perfect world, in the one outside him not needing this dynamic at all he would once a month pick up the phone and call me and tell me he needed me. We’d meet for a few hours and he would get what he needed. To her I could be therapy for him in a way. “But that would never work for you and I would never ask you to do that.”

I stopped breathing. He was saying to me that would be enough for him. That seeing me once a month could easily replace what we have now, that the pay off- the rewards of making her happy would justify turning what we have into- I am at a loss here. I don’t know what that would make me to him. What do you call that? It shows me so much, tells me so much. My sobs were easily hidden inside a balloon of humiliation that spontaneously expanded in the space between where we sat.

If that is enough….if that is all he needs then why did he let me give so much for so long? Why did he turn my submission into something I now only see as his? The days and days were we were inseparable, when we did not even want to leave each other and go home to our own beds…what was that all about? Why did I give my soul if he only needed my skin….surely there were submissives out there that would have not been like me. A submissive not so fragile, or needy or narcissistic. A submissive that wouldn’t have developed a love and devotion so intense and real that it required attention. My confusion is a road that leads to only more confusion. Surely he knew he was taking more than he needed, more than he wanted even.

All along he didn’t even need what I was giving. If he only needed water why did he demand chocolate? Why now after showing me all that could be can he say it was never truly necessary after all? Was it all an experiment? Yes we always knew it would end yet how can he suggest that we could take everything we’ve shared and all we give to each other and change it into something that can be taken in a few hours every thirty days. Is that all I have become to him? How is that enough for him? He asks…wouldn’t that be better than nothing?

Inside I am screaming and confused and I want to just ask him….but how can you let that be everything? If you are willing to take that much away from me for the sake of someone else, for anyone else then I am nothing to you after all. To say that would be enough for you…that would be acceptable to you changes the way I see you-changes the way I see us and what we shared for always. How can you teach me to love you and serve you….and submit to you in ways I never knew possible and then say you would settle for once a month with me? That you don’t need me and would be ok not talking to me in the life filled moments in between the few hours of submission. Do you know what that says to me…it says that is my worth to you after all. That all of the seconds in between matter less than the minutes where I give myself to you. Could you do that? You wouldn’t think of me…you wouldn’t miss me? I am so confused…so hurt and bewildered. You don’t need me…you need a submissive without a heart, without a soul. Or just an submissive, a warm masochistic passive body…any submissive. It wouldnt even have to be the same one month to month…would it? You would ask that of me….? Why did you give me so much…or teach me so much only to show me it can all be compacted into a monthly session. Maybe that is me now, maybe that is what I’ve become. You need a contract submissive that will invoice you monthly. To take the developed gift of my submission, to take the raw surrender I came to you with- that you grew and transformed into something you once said was perfect for you and demean it by carving it into something not only unsuited to me but contradictory of all you have ever made me believe about you and us and your needs.. I thought you needed me too…only you don’t need ME in your life…once a month isnt part of your life. And to think….you would let us become that breaks my heart.

My despair is clouding my ability to think because my mind is so off balanced this second. I am full of despair and hoplessness and enough pain for twenty seven people. I am not thinking, only feeling right now, only developing an understanding so startling and painful I can no longer contain it. I need to run away from it and tonight I would do anything, anything to block this throbbing feeling. I just need it to stop. How can I stop this pain and make it go away. Why did I think it was all real…and why do I feel so betrayed and at the same time feel like I am betraying him for seeing what has always been there. Is my agony just not knowing if I wouldnt do it? Is it that part of me deep inside myself that I am learning to hate again that tells me I’d do anything he asked. How can I even go there knowing what that would make me….This is what he meant when he said there was nothing he couldn’t live without…how do I live with this? I’ve never felt so unsure of my need to even try. What am I doing?

I want to be wrong. I want to be wrong and I want him to have words to fix this. I want to know he would never abuse my love and submission by asking me to do that. It’s enough that I know it would be enough for him. Just typing that breaks something again inside of me. If that is enough why…why did he let me give so much…why did he give me so much only to take it back…to not need or want it anymore.

And why is my pain tonight alright with him? And why am I so vulnerable that I took what he gave me and what I gave him and convinced myself it was love…that it was worthy of holding onto just like anything else claimed to be of value. I’ve never felt so disillusioned or bewildered. I don’t trust any of my feelings. I just want to leave.

Why did he get me this far….give me so much and teach me so many lessons about myself only to in one afternoon show me I am so much less…that I am not worthy of more. Him asking that of me and my response to him would take away all the good that his dominance and ownership of me has provided.

Why take a girl like me and work so hard to make her see herself as something more only to have her prove to you and to herself that she isn’t?

D/s

tuesday

you were a little leaf that trembled on my chest. Life’s wind put you there. At first I did not see you: I did not know that you were walking with me until your roots pierced my chest, joined the threads of my blood, spoke through my mouth, flourished with me.~~~ Pablo Neruda

I feel like I am walking around outside of myself. I don’t like feeling this much pain and knowing it is just going to sit here with me. I never understood before how some people can just fall to pieces when they are suffering. I have a clearer view of the world- i would think that I would be able to place this type of pain and suffering into something resembling perspective. I can’t. He said to me that he wished he could take all of this pain on himself. I think that is what I am already doing. I am hurting so he doesn’t have to anymore. Of course it isn’t that simple. I know he is hurting, I know he wants me, needs me, loves me; though the cost to him is too high. If he let me go, if he sent me away from him he would forever feel guilty. If L forced him to let me go he would always resent her for that. If I take a stand here then it makes it better for both of them. How can I not? How can I let him hurt…how can I hurt him like that or continue to place him in the position where he feels he is the cause of hurting two women he loves. Being with me for a happily ever after isn’t an option, it never was. Their life and love together is more important than what little I give him. I’ve realized that. I realized that a long time ago. Today. Tuesday the pain is like a hard rock. Tuesday is the night where we would come together and be able to hide behind that door where we were only existing for each other. I don’t know how I can live without that. Having Richard didn’t cost me my happiness, losing him does. I don’t know if I can give to another the way I gave to him. I think ahead to when I know my own cravings, nature and desire will lead me into a new relationship. That scares me. What will it be like? It terrifies me and I want to hide inside the pocket of his used to be ownership and pretend I am still his. In my mind I am. In my mind part of me always, always will be. I don’t know what is going to happen. I have to hold tight to the belief this is best for him….if I lose that I fall apart, I fail. If I let him go and he isn’t happier then this hot pain is for nothing. Tonight I am weak, and sad. I can look ahead and wonder why life is the way it is. I can wonder why I am here, it’s been so hard. I only wanted to love him, to bring him joy and happiness. I think I took more than I gave and that is the hardest thing for me tonight. I think that is maybe why he hasn’t fought this decision. I think that is why he hasn’t reached out to me. Or maybe he has finally realized he is better off. That he is happier there in his normal life without me on the fringes of it. There could be so many reasons. I can’t sleep. I haven’t eaten and I am really trying. I can’t make myself do anything but feel trapped inside my idea of what is right and wrong. Mostly tonight I miss my friend. I miss the man who had become my very best friend. I told him everything, gave him everything and let him touch every piece of what I held inside of myself. This is a sadness so great I can’t express it. It is a loss I feel to my very core and it teeters between knowing this is the only way…the only way to I must be crazy to not curl up with every last second that could be spent with him. I love him that much. I miss my Owner, my dominant, I miss hearing his heart beat when he held me or his voice when he said something to me that only I was meant to hear. There is so much. That voice, his words….all the things he could make me do with a look, a smile. How do you move past that? Maybe I can’t. Maybe I never will. Oh, I know one day it won’t hurt so much. One day it will just be all soft smiles and memories but until that day comes how do I survive in this pain that is following me around?

How will I make it through this night without him?

D/s

monday

Today there isn’t one part of me that is not sad. I’ve admitted to my readers before that I am an emotional girl. When I am happy, content, satisfied…I feel it deeply, I purr with it. I wrap it around everyone who is near me. Sadness is the same. It is darker, thicker….harder to capture somehow with words. When I am sad the sadness is infinite and heavy and it seems like my entire body, my spirit, my world can pulse with the aching emptiness of it. Today is like that, yesterday…the day before…..the day before- I don’t know when it started….all pulses and then piles randomly in a red heated pain. It is something I can wipe off or push away or step away from.

There is no one I can turn to and bury my head into for comfort or understanding. I am alone with my pain. I’m not sure what to do with all of these feelings. Where can I put them? I’m not strong enough to ignore them. How do you ignore a hurricane? How do you ignore a spinning hot quicksand that wraps heatedly around your ankles? How do you ignore that? There is not a box big enough for me to contain the pain I feel right now.

There is nothing that can stop my tears. I’ve paused and hoped there was a way. That this isn’t true, that there is another option….another idea. This pain is too big for me, it doesn’t fit and it is more than I ever thought possible. More than I have imagined.

It’s a cliff I can’t climb down from, a rip current that has me pulled so far under that even if a hand was reaching for me they couldn’t grasp me in time. Finally I’ve fallen into something I can’t get out of and still be OK. I’m not sure I like admitting that and I’m not sure what it means.

There has always been that part of me way down inside that was simply seeking an outlet, a release, a realness that the real world couldn’t see or understand. When you find that you realize that you have poured your soul into it. You realize too late that it is different from all of the other relationships in your life…it is not something you get over, or get past for it has become part of you. And how do you get over a piece of yourself?

I just want to rip this feeling away from my body and drop it someplace but it won’t come off. How do you get back that part of you? Without it nothing external seems to matter….you don’t feel sleepy, or hungry and the world just seems to be moving past me and here I am just inside myself feeling very quiet. Where do I put this…where can I hide this pain even if its only for a few minutes so I can take a breath?

I am all alone here. I am alone with this pain and it is the scariest feeling. It is too big, too big….and there is no silver lining to tuck pieces of it into.

D/s

steps forward

There was an instant aching arousal that consumed me almost the minute I entered the room. I am driving to meet him and my body feels tight with arousal. My breasts ache in such a way I know that if he touches them I will stop breathing. I wonder as I pull in and slow my car if I am breathing. I sit quietly in my car and take a deep breath my heart beats faster, my excitement and my nervousness grows. Separately I can handle these feelings, together they overwhelm me.

Moments later I am naked with Richard. Richard undressed me. He has this way of undressing me that makes me feel more than naked, almost as if along with my clothing his fingers remove layers of confusion, insecurities and ambiguity. All of what collects and settled on me he can strip away with a touch. I know there will never be a time when a man undresses me and I do not think of Richard. This feeling is not making me sad today. If I lost him tomorrow for whatever reason I know that if I spread it all out in front of me what I’ve gained is so much more than what I’ve lost. His influence and thoughts of him will walk with me for the rest of my life. There are so few people in my life who have made such an impact on me. This is a feeling that can overwhelm me too. I sit here and I write and I think to myself that I wish everyone could know him. That way you could see who he is and how he handles me and why I, the girl who never trusts, can trust him with everything.

Now I am kneeling, soft carpet beneath my knees. He’s allowed me to leave my panties and bra on for the moment. I am by his chair. His legs are open and my head is resting against the inside of his leg. Richard is fully dressed. Today he is in black and it is my favorite color when he has it on. It was as if he knew how the evening would play out and dressed the part of the darkened soul. His hands in my hair quieted me, settled me and I knew I was prepared to do whatever he asked of me. His hand tightened just a bit on the back of my neck but the message to lift my head was obvious. I looked at him. “Did you come to submit to me?” I looked away, I looked down or around. I looked anywhere except at the tender darkness in his face. “Look at me. Did you come to submit to me?”

“Yes Sir.”

The room was dim but not dark and I could see him gazing down at me. His emotions live in his eyes and they warmed my naked skin as much as his fingers grazing my back did. He pressed my head back against his leg and I breathed in the familiar scent of him.

I sometimes forget when I write in my blog that my readers don’t all know the broad spectrum of emotions I balance on when I submit to Richard. I assume sometimes that it is easy to understand what I write about then I realize how incredible the true power exchange he and I share really is. I know that years ago when I first accepted this side of myself a blog like this would have been helpful. It would have been helpful because I really try to keep this real.

When I kneel there in front of him the feelings that consume me are almost something that I wonder if I have a right to feel…there is this peace around me. It is startling. There could be missiles outside the window, 15 inches of snow piling up outside or any other catastrophe threatening the gentleness of the moment and I know if he had me kneel in front of him, if he allowed my head to rest against his leg that everything else would simply melt away. On my knees in front of him feels more natural to me than standing by his side. It is a part of who we are to each other that quiets everything else for me. Maybe for him too….I forget that sometimes; I forget that having me do that may pull him deeper into what we are together and further away from where he was an hour before. I want to be someone he can lose himself in…where we can hide beneath that blanket feeling of being separate from the rest of the world. I also forget that he needs to prepare his own mind for what he is about to do to me. Imagine this all American looking sophisticated man who to the rest of the world looks as normal and gentle yet I see him and look through all of that. I know all of that is as much a part of him as what he gives to me so I value it as much yet I know there is the darker side of him that is intense. That part of him is mine. He gives it to me because I can take it. Because I want it.

On this day after he undressed me, after he had me kneel at his knee after he spoke gently to me… he told me to stand up in front of him. Of course I obeyed him and he glided his hands across my skin in such a way there was no doubt in my mind or his that I was his. He told me to step up on the ottoman and turn towards him. The fabric was soft beneath my feet and he held my hand until I found my balance. I loved how his hands moved along my skin and I loved how he told me to turn around so he could see me from behind. His hands touched me everywhere, they slipped beneath the fabric of my bra to twist nipples, they cupped my bottom and pressed against my cunt. And when he allowed me to step down my panties were already soaked. It is that raw possessiveness that he wraps around me. It steadies me and prepares me to spend the next few hours with a sadist.

Something entered the room with us on this night. I felt something there and it was all around us. As if the core of what we are to each other had some how been compromised…..as if there was acknowledged doubt regarding where we were and where we were headed. Richard and I have it easy right now—moments are easy between us. I am in a great place in my head, I feel fully submissive to him and less distracted than I have been in the past year. Severing ties with L was the best thing I ever did if I look at it in terms of Richard and I in a box. I do not have to see the two of them together, but more importantly I never have to be ANYONE or ANYTHING to Richard than who and what I am. I can just be his submissive, his pet…or his pixie-pet like he called me in a recent text message. Until it was gone I didn’t realize how horrifically distracting maintaining a relationship with her…and that separate relationship with the man he became when he was with both of us was. Now that I no longer have to deal with that I only have my submission to him and his dominance of me to consider. On the other hand outside of our dynamic Richard does not have it easy right now. I think L liked being involved in the dynamic between the two of us, not that she ever joined us on our nights together but when she and I were building a relationship and even more after we had established that odd sort of friendship between the two of us she was able to control it more, even control me more. My interactions with Richard were often based and even planned on whatever mood L was in at that time. Now I don’t ask….I can’t see and he doesn’t tell. I only need to walk into that room with him and obey him- I only need to offer myself as his submissive and not wonder, or care or focus on her or on that three part relationship we had built. All of a sudden I have the luxury of keeping the part of him that he gives me all to myself. It’s enough. It is working for me because I know Richard is committed to making this work, he is committed to both of us. And when I give myself to him I never feel anyone else in the room. Like I said…I have the luxury of focusing on him and not thinking about the two of them. Since I have not spent time with her or with them as a couple he and I have had two nights together and those two nights have been incredible. They have easily surpassed the nights we shared during the time when the three of us were trying to establish a balance.

So right now what I am getting from R is good. In me he is finding obedience, and the perfect submission that he has taught me.

Yet back on the ranch…. L is asking him to end it with me. Some of what she is saying sounds like ultimatums and of course that throws conflicts around in all directions. So things are not good in paradise right now and I won’t say anything else about that right now except that Richard is somehow still able to make me a priority. I think he acknowledges where my head is, that I am secure in my submission to him and I know what that means to him. It makes his world easier, it also gives him a sure outlet. I’m okay with that. I know he doesn’t want to let me go…not now after all we have overcome. I need him and he needs what I give him…so of course I want to make keeping me easier for him. I am doing a good job here in my own little world. I am going to soak up every second I have with him. So on one hand my heart goes out to L because I know how hard this is however I can also say I know more about her than I ever want to know and that tempers my pity. I think my compassion is with Richard because I think he has the hardest job of all.

But enough about all that….

Last week my interaction with him was scary. It was amazing and scary. It had something to do with what entered the room with us that night I am sure. A lot of it is still jumbled up in my head. I know that when he helped me step down from the ottoman he again had me kneel. He pressed my head into his leg and soon his cock filled my mouth. He told me not to suck but to just let it sit in my mouth. I felt a warm humiliation creeping up my back. I was balancing between all of the confusing feelings that I press backwards time and time again and the hot rawness of that wanton side of me that craves him making me do things like that. I am what I am to him…that’s another way of saying it is what it is. When he has me sit with his cock in my mouth when I just need him to kiss me is as confusing to me as when he makes me cum again and again and I just want him to hurt me.

I know this night was such a blend of tenderness and pain. What he gives me and what I need are somehow communicated without words. I don’t know how I ended up on the bed but was soon there on my knees. I remember him telling me to get on my hands and knees and then not being pleased with how I did it. That isn’t how I want you…I remember him saying something like that. I heard him open the cylinder that transports his collection of canes and I heard him dump them on the bed beside me. This sound has the same effect on me as his belt slipping out of his pants does. I tense and then relax and then tense again. I know what is coming. I feel the urgent need to hurt me coming from him and it feeds my desire to give it to him.

He caned me as hard as he ever has. He may have caned me harder than he ever has. There were moments of broken white pain that made me cry…tears I tried to hide. tears he found and kissed off of my face…tears he encouraged me to cry. There were moments when my need to have him hurt me scared me. When I was so lost in him, in his need, in his dominance of me that I forgot he has the ability to really hurt me; that there is risk there every time we interact.

I feel him balancing on that edge of being fully in control of both of us and then barely in control of himself. He told me scary Richard was there…and I said I didn’t want him, that I didn’t want scary Richard. Only it was too late and even said that. The slight possibility that he had somehow lost a little control of himself only made me want him more, only made me want to give him more, take more. I was consumed by a need stronger than common sense to let him hurt me.

The cane just kept coming…and one second I was begging him to stop and the next I was asking for more. He caned my back, my breasts….everywhere it seemed. He was on top of me and inside of me and I felt him everywhere. Again moments of tenderness snuck in…but there was always the pain he created and gave me. It was such a sensory experience. I wanted to feel everything everywhere….he has this long paint stick and he was using it on me. He had me flipped around and had my knees open…the paint stick was slapping my thighs, it was stinging my cunt. God it hurt so bad but I wanted it…..I was arching towards it, needing it, needing him to give it to me. I remember holding my hands out to him…in a moment of reckless need and holding them flat knowing he would know what I needed. He brought the paint stick down again and again on my hands…the noise loud in the room.

I know I could say more, I know I could track the night step by step and I am tempted to do so. It’s hard to not allow myself to go back. It’s hard to not tell you how he made me cum again and again until I was so consumed with pleasure my body would not stop trembling or there was a time when he was so deep inside of me I could feel his every shift throughout my body.

It seems we are getting back on track…we are in that place right now where he does not need to be so careful with me. My remission is strong, I am feeling more like myself and we have learned a lesson. Life is short and it can be taken away in a second. My health can slip away with a breath and we both know it. I have a new appreciation for every moment I am allowed to spend with the ones I love. I focus less on the petty and more on the person. It is a good place to be. I feel like I am growing again.