Today there isn’t one part of me that is not sad. I’ve admitted to my readers before that I am an emotional girl. When I am happy, content, satisfied…I feel it deeply, I purr with it. I wrap it around everyone who is near me. Sadness is the same. It is darker, thicker….harder to capture somehow with words. When I am sad the sadness is infinite and heavy and it seems like my entire body, my spirit, my world can pulse with the aching emptiness of it. Today is like that, yesterday…the day before…..the day before- I don’t know when it started….all pulses and then piles randomly in a red heated pain. It is something I can wipe off or push away or step away from.
There is no one I can turn to and bury my head into for comfort or understanding. I am alone with my pain. I’m not sure what to do with all of these feelings. Where can I put them? I’m not strong enough to ignore them. How do you ignore a hurricane? How do you ignore a spinning hot quicksand that wraps heatedly around your ankles? How do you ignore that? There is not a box big enough for me to contain the pain I feel right now.
There is nothing that can stop my tears. I’ve paused and hoped there was a way. That this isn’t true, that there is another option….another idea. This pain is too big for me, it doesn’t fit and it is more than I ever thought possible. More than I have imagined.
It’s a cliff I can’t climb down from, a rip current that has me pulled so far under that even if a hand was reaching for me they couldn’t grasp me in time. Finally I’ve fallen into something I can’t get out of and still be OK. I’m not sure I like admitting that and I’m not sure what it means.
There has always been that part of me way down inside that was simply seeking an outlet, a release, a realness that the real world couldn’t see or understand. When you find that you realize that you have poured your soul into it. You realize too late that it is different from all of the other relationships in your life…it is not something you get over, or get past for it has become part of you. And how do you get over a piece of yourself?
I just want to rip this feeling away from my body and drop it someplace but it won’t come off. How do you get back that part of you? Without it nothing external seems to matter….you don’t feel sleepy, or hungry and the world just seems to be moving past me and here I am just inside myself feeling very quiet. Where do I put this…where can I hide this pain even if its only for a few minutes so I can take a breath?
I am all alone here. I am alone with this pain and it is the scariest feeling. It is too big, too big….and there is no silver lining to tuck pieces of it into.