you were a little leaf that trembled on my chest. Life’s wind put you there. At first I did not see you: I did not know that you were walking with me until your roots pierced my chest, joined the threads of my blood, spoke through my mouth, flourished with me.~~~ Pablo Neruda
I feel like I am walking around outside of myself. I don’t like feeling this much pain and knowing it is just going to sit here with me. I never understood before how some people can just fall to pieces when they are suffering. I have a clearer view of the world- i would think that I would be able to place this type of pain and suffering into something resembling perspective. I can’t. He said to me that he wished he could take all of this pain on himself. I think that is what I am already doing. I am hurting so he doesn’t have to anymore. Of course it isn’t that simple. I know he is hurting, I know he wants me, needs me, loves me; though the cost to him is too high. If he let me go, if he sent me away from him he would forever feel guilty. If L forced him to let me go he would always resent her for that. If I take a stand here then it makes it better for both of them. How can I not? How can I let him hurt…how can I hurt him like that or continue to place him in the position where he feels he is the cause of hurting two women he loves. Being with me for a happily ever after isn’t an option, it never was. Their life and love together is more important than what little I give him. I’ve realized that. I realized that a long time ago. Today. Tuesday the pain is like a hard rock. Tuesday is the night where we would come together and be able to hide behind that door where we were only existing for each other. I don’t know how I can live without that. Having Richard didn’t cost me my happiness, losing him does. I don’t know if I can give to another the way I gave to him. I think ahead to when I know my own cravings, nature and desire will lead me into a new relationship. That scares me. What will it be like? It terrifies me and I want to hide inside the pocket of his used to be ownership and pretend I am still his. In my mind I am. In my mind part of me always, always will be. I don’t know what is going to happen. I have to hold tight to the belief this is best for him….if I lose that I fall apart, I fail. If I let him go and he isn’t happier then this hot pain is for nothing. Tonight I am weak, and sad. I can look ahead and wonder why life is the way it is. I can wonder why I am here, it’s been so hard. I only wanted to love him, to bring him joy and happiness. I think I took more than I gave and that is the hardest thing for me tonight. I think that is maybe why he hasn’t fought this decision. I think that is why he hasn’t reached out to me. Or maybe he has finally realized he is better off. That he is happier there in his normal life without me on the fringes of it. There could be so many reasons. I can’t sleep. I haven’t eaten and I am really trying. I can’t make myself do anything but feel trapped inside my idea of what is right and wrong. Mostly tonight I miss my friend. I miss the man who had become my very best friend. I told him everything, gave him everything and let him touch every piece of what I held inside of myself. This is a sadness so great I can’t express it. It is a loss I feel to my very core and it teeters between knowing this is the only way…the only way to I must be crazy to not curl up with every last second that could be spent with him. I love him that much. I miss my Owner, my dominant, I miss hearing his heart beat when he held me or his voice when he said something to me that only I was meant to hear. There is so much. That voice, his words….all the things he could make me do with a look, a smile. How do you move past that? Maybe I can’t. Maybe I never will. Oh, I know one day it won’t hurt so much. One day it will just be all soft smiles and memories but until that day comes how do I survive in this pain that is following me around?
How will I make it through this night without him?