I understand sadness. It is an emotion that I am not afraid of, I think some people fear sadness. Of course they do- it only makes sense to fear something that hurts. Sadness hurts. Sadness is a lot like many other emotions. It is generic for so many other things. You can be sad because you lost something or even someone. You can be sad because you are lonely, because you are lost or just because looking around you are too jaded to see all the good life gives you. Sadness can come because your favorite team lost or you didn’t get a promotion. There is hope in sadness. Sadness often comes before a new beginning. A loved one dies….yet you know their suffering has ended. He leaves you…yet you know it is a new day. Some people arrange their life around being sad. Sadness is generic though for a lot of things. A constant concerning sadness is that it always goes away. It can be fleeting or it can linger for a time. Sadness doesn’t scare me. I’ve been sad. I’ve been deeply sad lately. I don’t think I am sad anymore.
I understand despair less. I haven’t spent as much time with despair. Where sadness always ends I think despair stays with you for always. Despair is not a generic feeling. Despair is haunting and dark and walks closely by a person’s side. It is a pain that stems from confusion and bewilderment, agony and a new uninvited perspective. It is a pain that lives beneath your skin and on your face and in your eyes. You breathe it and you bathe with it. It never goes away. It often sneaks up on you and roughly opens your eyes to everything that you had allowed yourself to not see. Blindness, denial, innocence and hope- all are enemies of despair. For despair to set in all other emotions have to surrender. Tonight I have a better understanding of despair.
I refuse to deceive myself a moment longer. I sit here tonight so opened up with despair and anger and a spinning confusion that is startling to me with its intensity. I saw him today. I asked to see him and he happily complied. I don’t even know how to explain how our meeting made me feel or what it made me feel. It’s as if I showed up with painted glasses on and walked away with a basket full of broken truths.
The goal in his mind is to find a place where he is getting what he needs from me and not giving so much back that it further damages his marriage. The goal in his mind is to be able to step backwards and see what he can take from me that doesn’t require him giving back more than she finds acceptable. He is looking for the place where I can give but not need, where he can own but not hold a leash. She has reminded him that before me he settled for much, much less; that his relationship before me had sometimes month long gaps between interactions. And it didn’t include daily conversations or nightly sweet goodnight messages….it was something he really didn’t need to put anything into. He survived it- it was enough for him for a long, long time.
He tells me he is a different person now, that with me he discovered a compelling aspect of his dominance. As a sadist he never thought he could love the one he was hurting. He wonders what he can live without now that he has tasted what we have created between us. Today when we talked I recognized honesty in his words that cut at me. He recognized that he could easily dominate me back…and he was right. He could have. There is not a whole lot of shame in that admission, it paints a foolish picture of me now especially given the new perspective I am yet I do not hesitate to pour out my sorrow or embarrassment here. I asked him what he wanted…what he would want if he didn’t have to think about my needs. I asked him what would be enough. There was a lot a uncharacteristic vagueness in his response that I found initially upsetting and then comforting as I sought anything soft to carry away and cover myself with after I drove away from him. Somehow and not at all unintentionally he said in her perfect world, in the one outside him not needing this dynamic at all he would once a month pick up the phone and call me and tell me he needed me. We’d meet for a few hours and he would get what he needed. To her I could be therapy for him in a way. “But that would never work for you and I would never ask you to do that.”
I stopped breathing. He was saying to me that would be enough for him. That seeing me once a month could easily replace what we have now, that the pay off- the rewards of making her happy would justify turning what we have into- I am at a loss here. I don’t know what that would make me to him. What do you call that? It shows me so much, tells me so much. My sobs were easily hidden inside a balloon of humiliation that spontaneously expanded in the space between where we sat.
If that is enough….if that is all he needs then why did he let me give so much for so long? Why did he turn my submission into something I now only see as his? The days and days were we were inseparable, when we did not even want to leave each other and go home to our own beds…what was that all about? Why did I give my soul if he only needed my skin….surely there were submissives out there that would have not been like me. A submissive not so fragile, or needy or narcissistic. A submissive that wouldn’t have developed a love and devotion so intense and real that it required attention. My confusion is a road that leads to only more confusion. Surely he knew he was taking more than he needed, more than he wanted even.
All along he didn’t even need what I was giving. If he only needed water why did he demand chocolate? Why now after showing me all that could be can he say it was never truly necessary after all? Was it all an experiment? Yes we always knew it would end yet how can he suggest that we could take everything we’ve shared and all we give to each other and change it into something that can be taken in a few hours every thirty days. Is that all I have become to him? How is that enough for him? He asks…wouldn’t that be better than nothing?
Inside I am screaming and confused and I want to just ask him….but how can you let that be everything? If you are willing to take that much away from me for the sake of someone else, for anyone else then I am nothing to you after all. To say that would be enough for you…that would be acceptable to you changes the way I see you-changes the way I see us and what we shared for always. How can you teach me to love you and serve you….and submit to you in ways I never knew possible and then say you would settle for once a month with me? That you don’t need me and would be ok not talking to me in the life filled moments in between the few hours of submission. Do you know what that says to me…it says that is my worth to you after all. That all of the seconds in between matter less than the minutes where I give myself to you. Could you do that? You wouldn’t think of me…you wouldn’t miss me? I am so confused…so hurt and bewildered. You don’t need me…you need a submissive without a heart, without a soul. Or just an submissive, a warm masochistic passive body…any submissive. It wouldnt even have to be the same one month to month…would it? You would ask that of me….? Why did you give me so much…or teach me so much only to show me it can all be compacted into a monthly session. Maybe that is me now, maybe that is what I’ve become. You need a contract submissive that will invoice you monthly. To take the developed gift of my submission, to take the raw surrender I came to you with- that you grew and transformed into something you once said was perfect for you and demean it by carving it into something not only unsuited to me but contradictory of all you have ever made me believe about you and us and your needs.. I thought you needed me too…only you don’t need ME in your life…once a month isnt part of your life. And to think….you would let us become that breaks my heart.
My despair is clouding my ability to think because my mind is so off balanced this second. I am full of despair and hoplessness and enough pain for twenty seven people. I am not thinking, only feeling right now, only developing an understanding so startling and painful I can no longer contain it. I need to run away from it and tonight I would do anything, anything to block this throbbing feeling. I just need it to stop. How can I stop this pain and make it go away. Why did I think it was all real…and why do I feel so betrayed and at the same time feel like I am betraying him for seeing what has always been there. Is my agony just not knowing if I wouldnt do it? Is it that part of me deep inside myself that I am learning to hate again that tells me I’d do anything he asked. How can I even go there knowing what that would make me….This is what he meant when he said there was nothing he couldn’t live without…how do I live with this? I’ve never felt so unsure of my need to even try. What am I doing?
I want to be wrong. I want to be wrong and I want him to have words to fix this. I want to know he would never abuse my love and submission by asking me to do that. It’s enough that I know it would be enough for him. Just typing that breaks something again inside of me. If that is enough why…why did he let me give so much…why did he give me so much only to take it back…to not need or want it anymore.
And why is my pain tonight alright with him? And why am I so vulnerable that I took what he gave me and what I gave him and convinced myself it was love…that it was worthy of holding onto just like anything else claimed to be of value. I’ve never felt so disillusioned or bewildered. I don’t trust any of my feelings. I just want to leave.
Why did he get me this far….give me so much and teach me so many lessons about myself only to in one afternoon show me I am so much less…that I am not worthy of more. Him asking that of me and my response to him would take away all the good that his dominance and ownership of me has provided.
Why take a girl like me and work so hard to make her see herself as something more only to have her prove to you and to herself that she isn’t?