Tonight- repost from November 07′

Sometimes I am overcome by the sadness that envelopes me when I think that one day Richard won’t be in my life. It rushes to me, covers me and crushes me even when I push it away. Thoughts are like that sometimes.

I look forward in my mind even when I know that I shouldn’t. I imagine a day when we both know it is our last day together. The last time he touches my face or when his hand releases my own for what we know will be the last time. The last time his lips brush my skin or his hands pull me beneath him. It will be there on his calendar, it isn’t there now but we both know one day it will. Maybe it will be written in red ink…maybe someone will even circle it and eventually boldly mark through it not even realizing what it is they’ve wiped away.

I wonder what it is that I will remember the most. I hope it won’t be the pain of losing him. I hope that our last days together won’t be spent focused on the goodbye. I want every second now and going forward with him to be a reflection of what we mean to each other and how real..how truly surprisingly real this has become between us. I think that sometimes Richard is seen as one sided on my blog. I know he seems harsh and sadistic. He is. There is another side to him. A side that I love and crave as much as I love and crave the darker side of my handsome Owner. The soft side of him is who I needed after Max and Alex.I remember the taxi ride back to my hotel with Max…trying to keep up with the soft conversation he was offering me and losing track…losing focus because I knew that back in my room was my connection to Richard. I think at that moment I would have done anything to have him greet me at the door or for him to be waiting for me in the lobby….and not sitting states away from me wondering how it was going. I think Max knew I was anxious to let Richard know that I was alright. A soft kiss, a whispered goodbye… and he was gone..leaving me to my thoughts for barely a second before I found my Owner online. He told me to turn my cam on that he wanted to see me. “You’ve been crying.” he stated, it wasn’t a question or a judgment. It just was.

I simply said…”I want to come home.”

A pause…and then “I am on your airline page…give me your confirmation number.” Two minutes later a ticket home a day early was in my email in-box. He flew me home a day early and picked me up at the airport.

It wasn’t as if this experience is laced with regrets, it isn’t. It made me reflect on many things. I like Max and Alex so much and so throughly enjoyed my time with them that I could never say I regretted it. It changed me and showed me some things about myself. It also made me appreciate my Owner…the freedom he allows me to explore my fantasies…to lead a ‘normal’ life with my boyfriend all the while offering unwavering support.

I had so many emotions facing him that day. Looking for displeasure or maybe even disgust in his eyes for what I did. I only saw love and concern and a desire to help me process all of what I was feeling. I couldn’t sleep the night before and he wanted me to rest. He laid me down in the middle of his huge bed and covered me up…he made me a snack…he made me laugh. We talked and talked and I shared with him all that I was ready to share…he patiently waited for the rest of it. I think he is still patiently waiting for the rest of it. He laid down beside me and pulled me as close to him as possible…so close I felt his heart through my back and our breathing merged in a lovers rhythm that one only recognizes after many nights wrapped in each other’s arms. I felt restless…thinking too much I guess. His hands on my back..in my hair..tracing the outline of my mouth… my ear.. my chin soothed me, quieted my heart and my unsettled mind so I could drift off to sleep.

His mouth was close to my ear…so close his warm breath tickled my skin. He started to sing to me…..my sadistic Dominant, the man who forces cries from my lips and ignores hot tears on my face began to sing to me…his words broke my heart. I will remember them always.

Well the sun is surely sinking down,
but the moon is slowly rising.
So this old world must still be spinning around,
and I still love you.

It won’t be long before another day.
We’re gonna have a good time.
And no one’s gonna take that time away.
You can stay as long as you like.

His words were soft and quiet. The voice one would use with a fretful child. He told me later there was more to the song. The rest of it I wasn’t ready to hear just yet. One day he said I could listen to the words and smile…that I could hear the song and just remember him ..remember us and none of the sadness would be there. I doubt it. I know that because I asked him for the rest of the song and he sent it to me. Foolish girl…why did you play it?

So close your eyes;
you can close your eyes, it’s all right.
I don’t know no love songs,and I can’t sing the blues any more.
But I can sing this song,
and you can sing this song
when I’m gone.

I never realized someone else’s words could burrow so deeply into my heart and break it from the inside. It was one of the moments that paused even the air around me. It was a moment that I will be able to perfectly recall for the rest of my life….and I hope that one day I will do what he says. That I can remember the words and the soft voice that whispered them in my ear and smile.

5 thoughts on “Tonight- repost from November 07′

  1. My dear pixie,
    you must not go back into the past and find this sadness. It causes you pain, and of course it causes both me and Liam pain as well.

    Even when this was written, we knew it was not forever. And yet we got more months, and then another year, and maybe, with some luck, we can manage to maintain a life-long friendship. So much more than we could have expected at the start.

    Right now you have SO much to be happy about, to be grateful for. Things that are obvious from your blog, and things that are as yet invisible to your readers. You are ALIVE! Don’t go into the past a find sadness.

    I gave you my goodbye song far in advance of needing it. And as only a Dominant could, I give you your song to me for the day when I might need it:

    “I’m young, I know, but even so,
    There’s a thing or two I’ve learned from you,
    I really learned a lot, really learned a lot,
    Love is like a stove, burns you when its hot,
    Love hurts…..

    Yes it does, but we still go back to that stove and cook on it – it is sustenance. We need love, even when it hurts. Something I taught you, yes.

    You will have pain in your love for Liam, and so will he in his love for you. It is unavoidable. Just remember: it only hurts because you care. If you don’t care, it can’t hurt you. So when it hurts, think first about why – and that you care – and then work on getting past that hurt and back to the good.

    Let the sun shine on your face and be happy, so happy with what you have had with me, and what you still have ahead of you in life. Live it, pixie – your life is good.

  2. He’s right pixie…

    Looking back is a power leak and it robs us of the blessings in the present. Keep moving forward and give your mental and emotional energy to the beauty in your now moment.

    I’ve spent alot of time and energy in my life, wallowing in grief. A waste…grieving is natural yes…but looking back is giving the grief your life and that’s not healthy.

    I hope you won’t make that mistake. You’ve worked so hard to live…So live. *smiles*

  3. I’m not sure that I agree with a blanket prohibition against looking back. I think we need to find a balance. Certainly, it’s not good to wallow in grief over what was had and what was lost. But I can see a value in treasuring what was good while learning from what worked and what didn’t.

    And when we look back at different times, we learn new things from the past with the perspective of how we’ve lived and loved and lost and thrived since then.

    The main thing is to be sure that our heart isn’t so filled with loss and grief and regret that there is no room for love and growth that is new.

  4. I wasn’t wallowing when I decided to repost this- I’m not sure how I was feeling. Sorta like Oatmeal Girl said…I was using the past to help me figure out today. That’s what I told Richard right after he saw what I had posted. I told him I was looking for some of my own insight from back then. I didn’t find what I was looking for but my journey into the R archives wasn’t for nothing. It was a reminder of the sweetness of what we had and of how very, very real it was and how much we loved each other- how much we always will love each other. A classic case of letting someone go because of how much they mean to you….we did that for each other.
    I AM happy with my life right now. I’m in a beautiful relationship that is shockingly transparant. Liam has said he won’t prohibit me from seeing R- it was enough I suppose that I said he could. He only asks that I admit everything to him so he knows what he is dealing with. So he can help me if I see Richard or talk to him and it makes me sad. That’s progress for Liam- and when he hasn’t drawn a line in the sand being transparent with him is easier somehow.

  5. This post brought tiny tears to the corners of my eyes.

    There is a sadness, an open heart proving how a sadist can be a gentle lover too.

    We are all many things, I strive to enjoy being all of them…

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