it all started with a man named Mark.

The other morning I woke up knowing he had visited me sometime during the night. Rarely do I dream but when I do the dreams tend to linger with me and weave through the hours that follow. I just laid there in my bed and tried so hard to hold onto the feeling that I had woke up with, the feeling of being with him again, the feeling of a finally fulfilled longing that had left an ache deep in my chest the past couple weeks. It hit me hard how much I miss him. It made me wonder how he was with this whole thing. If he was happy, if he had regrets.
I hated laying there immersed in that feeling of being ‘his’. I realized quickly I wasn’t going to be able to remember the dream. I felt like I had lost a chance to see him, to hold his hand, to hear his voice. I hated that feeling, and I felt very, very sad. Because I wanted all of that even if only from the safety of my slumber. I find it interesting that your mind and your heart have the ability to hold so strong during the daylight hours but once the darkness is the only noise filling your ears being strong gets harder. It seems that common sense and self preservation weaken at night.
After awhile I got out of bed and tried very hard to shake my ‘M’ feeling. BY the time I was fully awake logic was earnestly attempting to dry my tears and I was able to remind myself of the reasons we had made the decision to not see each other. I didn’t feel better. There is such a gap between knowing and ultimately doing what is best for yourself and for someone else and being happy with your decision. If I live 100 more years I hope I never use the words ‘I wish’ again because that is what I have been saying to myself. I wish I felt better, I wish things were different, I wish he were mine and I were his and I wish more than anything else in the whole wide world that I could say we didn’t do the right thing when we ended things between us. But that would be lying because we both know we did.
It is the deepest kind of pain but I am told it gets better. I just wish it would.