no as a word

I felt a coolness on his hand I realized he was applying lubricant to my ass… his finger pressing it deep inside me so I could take him this way. I find this so invasive…humiliating…it is something that I have limited experience with. Something that I know provides him far more pleasure than me..yet….that in itself is erotic to me. It is hard for me to submit to this and I felt the fog of my subspace begin to lift as I felt him press against me. He told me to press back..and it hit me too late what he meant. He had instructed me before that the initial entry is made easier if I push out a bit allowing myself to open up naturally for him. When he said this I pressed into him and when I did I think he was inside me before I was ready. I felt myself pull and stretch and I was uncomfortable with the fullness that I felt. Suddenly it seemed I was overcome with feelings I didn’t like. It wasn’t the good kind of pain anymore. I felt rattled, unprepared for what had just happened. I tried to remember something that Richard and I had just discussed. He was telling me that my submission falters when there is less pleasure in it for me…and he is trying very patiently to teach me that it is this other type of submission that is just as important. That being the submission that is purely for his pleasure.
I tried so hard to quiet myself. I pressed my head into the cool sheet and clutched at the edge of the bed. I could hear my own whimpers in my ears and I longed for that warm safe feeling I felt right after the caning. All I felt now was pain….humiliation of having him inside of me like this….fear of failing him. My mind was flooded with sensations as I tried so hard to convert the pain into something else. I had tensed up…I knew he wasn’t hurting me for the sake of hurting me. He told me later he was irritated because what he was asking me to do wasn’t anything too hard…wasn’t anything we had not done before. I wasn’t able to control my reactions, I wasn’t able to make my own feelings secondary. He doesn’t expect a struggle…he doesn’t want to fight me into submission. I know I struggled against him, I know I fought him. I felt his hand reach around and stroke me but my body stubbornly refused to acknowledge the pleasure of his hand. He started talking to me…telling me what he was doing… telling me to ask him to continue what he was doing. I struggled with that, saying those words that he kept insisting I repeat.
“Ask me to fuck you in the ass.”
I said it. “Say it again.”
I said it. It is hard to say something when you really want the opposite..when I really want to beg him to stop. I hated the pathetic little cries I was making as I felt him press deeper and deeper into my body.
“Say it again.”
I couldn’t. It wasn’t even that I wanted the scene to stop. In my head I was trying to go to the place where pain doesn’t matter and his pleasure stands taller than everything else. My body failed me and I was failing him. I shook my head into the bed and moaned…three simple words but I wasn’t strong enough to make myself say them.
“Say it again.”
This time my moan formed the word “No.”

His voice was as close to angry as I had ever heard when he pulled my head back. Now I could barely breath. “Don’t ever say ‘No’ to me. You know that rule.” And I had, so when he pushed my head back into the bed and his hand slapped me hard first on one hip and then the other I wasn’t surprised at his reaction. I was close to tears but fought that release…not quite sure if my tears would be for myself or because I had disappointed him. I hated that feeling and it put me right over the edge into really wanting this scene to be over.
I felt him pull out of me and roll over on his side. He pulled me against him and held me for just a minute before he began to take the ropes off. He was upset with me, disappointed that I had so little self control. I felt awful…he had taught me so much and I truly felt as if I had failed him and myself on this day. The way he removed the ropes was the only evidence of his irritation, when he spoke to me I heard a soft compassion that I absolutely love about him. He asked me what went wrong here? Where was my head? But most importantly he asked if I was alright. He covered me up and held me tightly to his side.
I guess I can’t really explain what happened. It was an emotional day for other reasons..I was tired…not 100 percent and just wasn’t able to give him everything I should have been able to give him.